Page 5 | To think it’s inappropriate?

Outnumbered89 · 2025-12-19T14:21:41+00:00

DSD lives with her mum and family a few hours away from us. She turns 17 at the beginning of January and has a boyfriend who is 18, they have been dating for a few months, I’ve not met him but DH has met him once, says he’s a nice lad. We are going to visit DSD over Xmas, DH wants her to come back home with us for a while. We live in a quiet rural location, not in walking distance to any shops and everything closes on public holidays, most cafes etc close between Xmas and NY too. DSD is usually (understandably for teens) bored in this location and doesn’t enjoy staying here preferring us to visit her where there is lots going on. Knowing she doesn’t like it here, DH has told DSD that her boyfriend can come to stay too - no conversation or discussion with me prior to this. We have spoken previously about having DC partners to stay over and we were in agreement that it’s not something we would allow until DC are over 18. We didn’t allow my DD’s boyfriend to stay until she was over 18 and we knew him well. It doesn’t sit comfortably at all with me and this is now complete double standards if DSD’s boyfriend is allowed to stay with her almost 17! I do not know this boy, I am sure he’s a decent person but he is a stranger to me, and I am not comfortable with having a complete stranger sleeping in my house and having to entertain them in a rural location where everything is closed! I am not comfortable with having DSD and boyfriend sharing a bed due to her age. (I am fully aware that she is over the age of consent and they will be having sex regardless of this situation). But, I don’t want it under our roof. I am annoyed that DH has told her she can have the boyfriend over to stay and I feel it’s hypocritical given we didn’t allow the same situation for my DD until she was over 18. I am even more annoyed that he didn’t discuss it with me first and is now huffy and moody as I have told him it is absolutely not happening and he needs to tell DSD. Am I in the wrong not to allow something that makes me feel uncomfortable?

Clarabell77 · 19/12/2025 17:10

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/12/2025 14:48

I think YABU, and he’s doing the right thing encouraging his DD to spend time with him. He doesn’t live with her so it doesn’t really make sense to dictate to her what age she can have a boyfriend sleepover from. He should have ran it by you first but it’s done now and you would be unreasonable to cancel it. I don’t think it’s really worth comparing to your DD, she lived with you, isn’t his child and is older now anyway so I doubt she will care that someone else’s DD has different rules to her due to logistical reasons.

This.

And also, saying you’d rather get to know him first. How much getting to know of an 18 year old boy who doesn’t live anywhere near you do you think you’re going to do? Chances are you’ll barely see either of them anyway.

Alittlefrustrated · 19/12/2025 17:00

I would not have a male, who I hadn't even met, staying overnight in my home, if I had a daughter. You need to safeguard your younger daughter. Absolute no.

viques · 19/12/2025 17:00

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:17

No, I actively encourage relationships with all of us. She is a very much loved and important part of our family and we visit her often, DH also visits alone for 1:1 time with her. we have told all 3 children that the house rules apply to all of them, not some of them.

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Then you agree to the lad staying over ( otherwise you will have a moping teen putting a downer on everything) but he doesn’t sleep in her room. Either she agrees to this or he doesn’t come and the moping starts. Explain to her that this is the same rule for all three of the DC under your roof, what happens under her mums roof is up to her but you have a younger dc to think about and you are not changing your rules.

pikkumyy77 · 19/12/2025 16:55

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 14:39

I understand DH wanting to spend time with DSD, but the boyfriend is a complete stranger. Had we have gotten to know him well and met him multiple times then I might feel better, but I haven’t even seen a picture of him!

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You are mixing apples and oranges here. Having the bf over us not a treat/reward for DSD its a bribe that your dh is offering to get her to spend a lonely, unfun, Christmas in a location she doesn’t want to be in. You are also upset because you feel disrespected by his not adking you. You feel undermined as he is breaking the house rule. And you feel upset that your children are held to one standard and his to another. These are all separate issues.

Original poster

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:54

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:48

I was thinking similarly about phone usage. If DSD uses e.g. snapchat and your DD isn't allowed to - should DSD have to refrain from using the app in your house?

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That would be more about age. If DH and I didn’t feel that Snapchat was appropriate in our house then yes, I would expect DSD to follow our rules. I would expect my older and younger DD to follow our rules.

what we feel comfortable with in our own houses is completely up to us. If DSD’s mum allows something in her house is does not mean that I/we have to allow it in our house - it’s our house, not her mums.

OP posts:

Catwalking · 19/12/2025 16:52

Obviously DSD has to set example to her younger SS in the home ie. DSD isn’t anywhere near (over)18yrs.
Especially as the ‘possible’ couple would have to have the sitting room/corridor to stay overnight.…
guess her DDad hasn’t remembered how old his child is or what the house rules are?

Celestialmoods · 19/12/2025 16:49

You get to decide the final rules for your dc and he gets to decide them with his. It’s understandable that you feel uncomfortable with having someone you don’t know in your home, but it’s other peoples home too. Your dsd should feel completely at home in her father’s home, and that includes being able to bring guests. It’s not her fault that her Dad lives far away in the middle of nowhere, and her relationship with her Dad shouldn’t be limited by his new partner, which it would be if she isn’t allowed to bring her boyfriend.

When you chose to become a step mother and bring your own children up in a home where another parent to different children lives, then you chose to accept consequences like this. You don’t get to control everything just because you live there because the whole point of bringing a blended family is to blend, not expect everything your own way.

IAmKerplunk · 19/12/2025 16:49

A 16yr old has been dating a 19yr old for 10 weeks. That is all. Same 16yr old has already had a relationship with a convicted sex offender. That is enough for me to say that no, a boyfriend of 10 weeks isn’t staying over. They would be welcome to visit for a meal and/or meet up when the op and dad are visiting the sdc.

The rules being the same for all I am less fussed about. Times change, kids are different, our parenting changes so we need to adapt. But based on the other info absolutely not. I agree with the pp who said the person who doesn’t want a stranger in the house trumps the person who does.

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:48

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:46

if we used smoking as an alternative scenario- if DSD smoked at her mums house, would I then have to tell her it’s fine to smoke in our house? (She doesn’t smoke btw).

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I was thinking similarly about phone usage. If DSD uses e.g. snapchat and your DD isn't allowed to - should DSD have to refrain from using the app in your house?

Original poster

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:46

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:44

No. You are your daughter's mother so what you say goes.
You can, of course, say that DSD's mother, had different rules.
She can easily explain it by saying that DSD didn't live with you so your rules didn't apply.

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if we used smoking as an alternative scenario- if DSD smoked at her mums house, would I then have to tell her it’s fine to smoke in our house? (She doesn’t smoke btw).

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Nanny0gg · 19/12/2025 16:44

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 15:41

She wasn’t coming to our house in the first place, we are going down to see her, staying in an air BnB with her in a major city so lots of opportunities for fun meaningful time with her where her boyfriend could join us and then go home at night. This is an addition to us going down to see her, she is more than welcome here anytime, I just don’t feel that having her boyfriend of 2.5months stay here too is needed or necessary

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I'd be having a very strong conversation with my husband

He's screwed up so he needs to fix it

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:44

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:34

I think her mum lets him stay over. That’s her house and her rules though. I also have a younger DD here, so if DSD is allowed her boyfriend staying over at 16/17, then younger DD would expect the same.

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No. You are your daughter's mother so what you say goes.
You can, of course, say that DSD's mother, had different rules.
She can easily explain it by saying that DSD didn't live with you so your rules didn't apply.

Eyeshadow · 19/12/2025 16:42

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:39

Well then you are effectively saying that her friends are not welcome in your house. That isn't right either.......

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Friends are very different to boyfriends who she’ll be having sex with.

She’s known for a few weeks and should be taught that it’s healthy to wait to share a bed with someone.

I wouldn’t want my 16yo having sex with someone after only a few weeks and I definitely wouldn’t be encouraging it.

But the biggest issue here is that there are separate rules and that is going to cause massive issues in the future.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2025 16:42

ILoveLaLaLand · 19/12/2025 16:39

You need to discuss it again with your husband and see if this is worth arguing over just before Xmas.

If he has already said his DD can come then she will know you objected so you need to factor in how that will impact your relationship in the future.
If she is already sleeping with her new boyfriend at her mother's home, it would be hard for her dad to say no when she stays with him.

Personally I think the horse has bolted on this one.
Also, she's 17 in a couple of weeks - not the end of the world.

Edited

It's a year earlier than her daughter was allowed.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2025 16:42

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 15:05

What her mum allows in their house is completely up to them, but what happens in our house is up to us…a joint decision

Your choice of words is inappropriate. What you 'allow'? It isn't up to you to 'allow' or 'disallow'. You are not her parent.

It's her house...

ILoveLaLaLand · 19/12/2025 16:39

You need to discuss it again with your husband and see if this is worth arguing over just before Xmas.

If he has already said his DD can come then she will know you objected so you need to factor in how that will impact your relationship in the future.
If she is already sleeping with her new boyfriend at her mother's home, it would be hard for her dad to say no when she stays with him.

Personally I think the horse has bolted on this one.
Also, she's 17 in a couple of weeks - not the end of the world.

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:39

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:27

DSD can come up without the boyfriend though, there would be absolutely no issues whatsoever with that happening, and has happened for the last 14 years. If he was a serious long term boyfriend then it would be different, but they have dated for 2.5months.

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Well then you are effectively saying that her friends are not welcome in your house. That isn't right either.......

Original poster

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:34

tabbycat897 · 19/12/2025 16:16

Depends what the rules are when she is at home with her own mum? Technically whether she is allowed to share a bed with the boyfriend is down to your DH and his ex? I would understand your reservations if you had younger children in the house and you didn't want to be setting any precedents, or having to answer awkward questions, but your DD is now older so this won't be an option. I don't really see who you are trying to protect, apart from perhaps yourself not wanting her to come and stay at all, or maybe just not wanting another person in the house that you don't know. This is a completely valid reason for you to not want him to stay, but don't use the whole bed sharing thing as an excuse - just say "no - I don't know him and would rather not have a stranger staying for the first time over a family christmas"

I think her mum lets him stay over. That’s her house and her rules though. I also have a younger DD here, so if DSD is allowed her boyfriend staying over at 16/17, then younger DD would expect the same.

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Original poster

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:27

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:21

I understand what you are saying. Personally I think sixteen is too young too.
Times change.
When you were growing up, I expect your parents didn't want you to have a second marriage and/or to be with somebody who had a second marriage.
But it depends on personal circumstandes and we have to adapt with them.

If your 21 year old came home and said she was pregnant, I expect you wouldn't say how disappointed you were (as your parents (and mine) may have said. You would probably feel disappointment but it is likely you would support her?

I guess what I'm saying is you can't really remain steadfast when more complicated relationships are at stake. Your relationship with your DSD is not the same as her father's relationship with her.

I think you owe it to their relationship to try to faciliate her boyfriend staying so father and daughter can spend time together (plenty of people sleep on sofas for a night or two),.

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DSD can come up without the boyfriend though, there would be absolutely no issues whatsoever with that happening, and has happened for the last 14 years. If he was a serious long term boyfriend then it would be different, but they have dated for 2.5months.

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Original poster

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:22

OneNewLeader · 19/12/2025 16:16

why can't DH spend time in a hotel or Airbnb and visit his daughter in a location she would rather be in?

This is what we are doing, and what we or DH (if he visits alone) do. It’s not a case of him not getting to see her if she doesn’t come here, we are visiting her. This is an added extra tagged onto us going down- she would now come back home with us, which came out of the blue to me. I have absolutely no issues whatsoever with her coming up, it’s the additional boyfriend that I’m not in agreement with.

OP posts:

User5306921 · 19/12/2025 16:21

Outnumbered89 · 19/12/2025 16:12

It’s because I personally feel that 16 is too young to have a partner staying over and sharing a bed with you. Especially after 2.5months of dating. I know I am going back a few years now, but I had to be engaged before my partner was allowed to stay with me at my parents house! It’s how I’ve been raised. We all have different rules and opinions on what we find acceptable and that’s fine, I just don’t find it acceptable in our house. DH was of the same opinion until this week…

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I understand what you are saying. Personally I think sixteen is too young too.
Times change.
When you were growing up, I expect your parents didn't want you to have a second marriage and/or to be with somebody who had a second marriage.
But it depends on personal circumstandes and we have to adapt with them.

If your 21 year old came home and said she was pregnant, I expect you wouldn't say how disappointed you were (as your parents (and mine) may have said. You would probably feel disappointment but it is likely you would support her?

I guess what I'm saying is you can't really remain steadfast when more complicated relationships are at stake. Your relationship with your DSD is not the same as her father's relationship with her.

I think you owe it to their relationship to try to faciliate her boyfriend staying so father and daughter can spend time together (plenty of people sleep on sofas for a night or two),.

Eyeshadow · 19/12/2025 16:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I disagree in this instance.

If they’ve always had a set rule about something then this should remain the same, especially as it’s biological DDs vs SDDs.

I think you have to tread lightly.

Its also the fact that they had this rum and then DH took it upon himself to change it without even a conversation.

Freeme31 · 19/12/2025 16:20

Yes he sjould have discussed first but problem would be same he wants daughter yo stay over with boyfriend- If its his daughter but house is 50/50 house as you've pointed out it seems you have more say as your a flat “no” he’s not staying it’s not happening so it’s not really 50/50 - how do you propose this 50/50 works then as your both at stalemate? He just doesn’t get to stay over, your husband does not get to see his daughter (for some extra time) that’s some 50/50. You might need to be more flexible or it’s your fault he will not get to see his daughter more than you “allow/want”. Try being more flexible in your mindset OP or you could end up either way no SD and one resentful husband but youll have “won” a point which is she shes not 18 it’s not the hill to kill two relationships on

anon4net · 19/12/2025 16:16

It would be a no for me too, for several reasons.

tabbycat897 · 19/12/2025 16:16

Depends what the rules are when she is at home with her own mum? Technically whether she is allowed to share a bed with the boyfriend is down to your DH and his ex? I would understand your reservations if you had younger children in the house and you didn't want to be setting any precedents, or having to answer awkward questions, but your DD is now older so this won't be an option. I don't really see who you are trying to protect, apart from perhaps yourself not wanting her to come and stay at all, or maybe just not wanting another person in the house that you don't know. This is a completely valid reason for you to not want him to stay, but don't use the whole bed sharing thing as an excuse - just say "no - I don't know him and would rather not have a stranger staying for the first time over a family christmas"