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Original poster

Explain that working from home is WORKING

441 replies

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:28

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

OP posts:
LargeJugs · 19/12/2025 15:43

idkbroidk · 19/12/2025 12:34

at best, he's really stupid

at worst, he's controlling

either scenario is pretty bad

Yeah this

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:40

MannersAreAll · 19/12/2025 15:32

HGV driver

Ask him then if it would have been acceptable to ask, while he was driving along an empty straight road (so outwardly - to someone who didn't understand driving - appearing to do very little whilst obviously to those who do understand driving doing a lot), for him to nip over to the hard shoulder for a few seconds to look at a video...

This might actually work. About a quarter of the videos he shows me are HGV drivers pulling off some fairly unbelievable manoeuvres, and I'm famously a terrible driver myself. I'm half-tempted to start saying, very innocently, "Well, it looks like they're not really doing much. How hard can it be? Just a round thingy to turn and, what, fewer than five pedals to push?"

OP posts:
PluckyChancer · 19/12/2025 15:38

C’mon OP. 🤦🏻‍♀️

You’re treating him as if he’s a child that needs attention and to be babied.

He’s a fully grown adult who doesn’t respect you and clearly doesn’t give a fuck about your work priorities otherwise, he’d have listened the first time you explained it to him and left you alone all day until you’d finished working.

I’d give him one final warning about interrupting you then bin him off if he’s still interrupting and trying to get your attention.

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:35

GarlicRound · 19/12/2025 15:28

The weird thing is that a driver's alone at work for hours and hours. How did he satisfy his need for company while working? Was he on his CB all the time, listening to the radio, playing podcasts, or what?

Surely he could do that.

And, yes, it should've been easy enough to draw an analogy with you "just" calling him to make a one-hour detour to "pick something up" for you, or insisting he pulled into a layby to watch cute videos you sent him!

He's mostly done long-haul European routes, usually double-manned, so it was surprisingly social. When he's been solo tramping, it's been podcasts, news, and audiobooks. Because of that, he used to be far far more well-read and on top of current affairs than I am, for the benefit of anyone telling me he's anti intellectual.

OP posts:
DiaryofaProvincialLady · 19/12/2025 15:35

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

Show quote history

As he's a bored, unemployed Tradie - put him to work adding a lock to your office door.

Then he can't just pop in and out and decide if you're busy depending on what your eyes are doing.

If that does not work, get him to work on packing his bags and finding somewhere else to live.

MannersAreAll · 19/12/2025 15:32

HGV driver

Ask him then if it would have been acceptable to ask, while he was driving along an empty straight road (so outwardly - to someone who didn't understand driving - appearing to do very little whilst obviously to those who do understand driving doing a lot), for him to nip over to the hard shoulder for a few seconds to look at a video...

Anyahyacinth · 19/12/2025 15:31

idkbroidk · 19/12/2025 12:34

at best, he's really stupid

at worst, he's controlling

either scenario is pretty bad

This ^

theemmadilemma · 19/12/2025 15:30

I would have asked to take a seat in my chair, pulled up some complex code, and asked him to finish it for me.

When he explained he couldn't I would point out that I also don't know how to do X that he does (ideally work related), but that if he tells me it requires X, Y and Z, I will trust him, because I don't do that. So he needs to trust you in what you are telling him your role requires.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 19/12/2025 15:29

“How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?”

It’s not hard, you just say “please do not disturb me between 9am and 5pm (or whatever times). It may not look to you like I’m busy working but every time you come in, my concentration is broken and I then have to spend time getting back in the zone. Unless it’s an emergency like the house is on fire, do not come in to my work space”

If he can’t understand that he’s either extremely thick or extremely disrespectful of your boundaries.

GarlicRound · 19/12/2025 15:28

The weird thing is that a driver's alone at work for hours and hours. How did he satisfy his need for company while working? Was he on his CB all the time, listening to the radio, playing podcasts, or what?

Surely he could do that.

And, yes, it should've been easy enough to draw an analogy with you "just" calling him to make a one-hour detour to "pick something up" for you, or insisting he pulled into a layby to watch cute videos you sent him!

thestudio · 19/12/2025 15:24

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

Show quote history

But if he wasn't being controlling, as soon as you reminded him he'd say 'oh shit sorry'.

He wouldn't huff or storm off or compare you to his ex who ignored him.

ItsAHare · 19/12/2025 15:21

I do something with a similar need for concentration, and there are times when it might look like I’m doing nothing - I’m not typing, or reading, and I might not even be looking at my screen when I’m figuring something out - and when my DH was between jobs he kept trying to talk to me when I looked like I wasn’t busy. Every tiny interruption broke my focus and it was taking time to get back into the flow, but he thought that as he was “only asking quick questions” it wouldn’t be disruptive. Eventually I explained what I was doing in great detail (knowing that he wouldn’t understand most of it; making my explanation accessible could have diluted the point) and hammered home that ‘staring into the middle distance’ was as much a sign of me working as typing was.

We came to an agreement that he’d only interrupt if it was urgent enough that, if I was a teacher, he’d phone to ask someone to interrupt a lesson and call me to the phone so he could speak to me immediately. Anything else he’d send a message, and I’d either reply when I had chance, or I’d go speak to him when I had a free moment. That seemed to solve the issue!

NoTouch · 19/12/2025 15:18

Just tell him, when the door is shut you are working and he is not in any circumstances (excluding emergencies such as the house is on fire) to interrupt you.

I agree with you he is not "stupid", no one is that stupid, but he does have issues with respecting and valuing your work and/or being self absorbed. He doesn't need to "understand" what a desk job entails it to do that, he doesn't need to understand to respect when you are working you are not available and do as you ask.

If he needs something that really cannot wait until lunchtime/end of your working day he can send you a text which you will read when convenient/having a break.

Respect in a relationship is important.

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:17

GarlicRound · 19/12/2025 15:11

Ha. Is he getting brain rehab? Sounds like he should be.

It might be time to accept that, okay, maybe he isn't "thick" but has cognitive impairments that render him incompatible with your home & work life.

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I think, thankfully, he's fully recovered on the cognitive side. But there were a couple of scary days in the very beginning.

OP posts:
KrimboBell · 19/12/2025 15:16

Sorry OP but he does sound a bit thick. . . . Or totally disrespectful. Either way I’d be wondering how I ended up shacked up with him.It’s not that much to understand!

Maybe ask him how he’d feel if he was in the middle of carrying something heavy or awkward and you stopped him to look at a funny video you’d seen every few hours and explain it’s a similar thing only in your case your brain is doing the heavy lifting.

justasking111 · 19/12/2025 15:16

FollowSpot · 19/12/2025 14:57

And I wouldn't be pandering to him by scheduling regular breaks at guaranteed times (or at all) either - not unless it suited MY working practice to do so.

He's not a kid that needs picking up from nursery. Why should the OP schedule calls, breaks, length of a document to finish reading and making all the notes before it goes out of her head, etc around her idiot partner's whining need for attention?

Agreed if my friend is studying live feed she can't just say time for tea and chat, she has to keep observing and scribble notes. These can be expanded on at another time.

Aligirlbear · 19/12/2025 15:16

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

Show quote history

But he shouldn’t even be coming in to the room you are working in to see what you are doing- it’s your work space and if he doesn’t / won’t get it I’m afraid you need to rethink having him there. That is controlling behaviour if you have had the conversation before, whether either of you realise it or not. he should not be coming into your work space to check on what you are doing at all.

FestiveFruitloop · 19/12/2025 15:16

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 19/12/2025 15:09

Working in an office usually means an open-plan working area. You're not in a room of your own, you're in a cubicle or sat at a desk. Open-plan office environments are perfect for constant distractions and totally counter-intuitive to focus. And considering you're in that one building for 8+ hours a day, it's sensory hell for those who prefer peace and quiet and actually want to work.

You're in the middle of a task, and then someone asks you for a 'quick chat'. You then have to get back to the task you were doing and try to get back in the exact frame of mind you were in to get the task done. Then someone else comes along to ask you stuff. It's an endless cycle of distraction. Then there are the meetings that could have been emails, the corporate nonsense that serves to make people feel important rather than to get anything done.

The madness, the frustration, the stupidity of it all, for a salary that gets taxed and inflated away.

This is what corporate life is, 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, getting excited for the weekend that whizzes by because it's not enough to time to decompress, you get the Sunday night scaries because you're about to do the same nonsense again for another 5 days. Before you know it, the year has gone and you're older and more tired than you were the year before.

You're also doing this for 40+ years, then you'll be too worn down to enjoy retirement, that is, of course, if you can afford to retire. Unless you're sitting on a healthy fortune, you're likely going to be working to your grave. Sure, people are living longer, but dementia can set in as early as 60, which is the age at which most people are still grinding away. It's frightening to think about.

Good God, you make life sound depressing. It doesn't have to be like that.

Negroany · 19/12/2025 15:15

I don't know what you mean by "how do you explain". It's not a complicated concept, and I assume he is a) an adult and b) not a chinchilla?

If so, just tell him. "I'm working, I can't be disturbed, this is how I earn the money that pays the rent. Leave me alone unless the house is on fire. I'll pop down for a cuppa when I get a break".

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:14

BerryTwister · 19/12/2025 15:10

What is his trade OP?

HGV driver

OP posts:
Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:13

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 19/12/2025 15:09

Working in an office usually means an open-plan working area. You're not in a room of your own, you're in a cubicle or sat at a desk. Open-plan office environments are perfect for constant distractions and totally counter-intuitive to focus. And considering you're in that one building for 8+ hours a day, it's sensory hell for those who prefer peace and quiet and actually want to work.

You're in the middle of a task, and then someone asks you for a 'quick chat'. You then have to get back to the task you were doing and try to get back in the exact frame of mind you were in to get the task done. Then someone else comes along to ask you stuff. It's an endless cycle of distraction. Then there are the meetings that could have been emails, the corporate nonsense that serves to make people feel important rather than to get anything done.

The madness, the frustration, the stupidity of it all, for a salary that gets taxed and inflated away.

This is what corporate life is, 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, getting excited for the weekend that whizzes by because it's not enough to time to decompress, you get the Sunday night scaries because you're about to do the same nonsense again for another 5 days. Before you know it, the year has gone and you're older and more tired than you were the year before.

You're also doing this for 40+ years, then you'll be too worn down to enjoy retirement, that is, of course, if you can afford to retire. Unless you're sitting on a healthy fortune, you're likely going to be working to your grave. Sure, people are living longer, but dementia can set in as early as 60, which is the age at which most people are still grinding away. It's frightening to think about.

Thank you, kind mumsnetter 😂

OP posts:
Slimtoddy · 19/12/2025 15:13

I think you are in a difficult position. He doesn't fully understand the work demands you have and he is dealing with what sounds like a really bad injury. I think the only thing that might work is if you really try to explain to him as you have here. Then tell him between these times I am unavailable. If that doesn't work then practical solutions like finding space outside the home where you could work - renting space in those large office type places. Or wearing headphones with focus music (I have to do this in the office) if that works for you. I work with a lot of lawyers (I am not a lawyer) and after COVID they found it very difficult to work in the office. Some use headphones to cope. Not sure what they listen to.

GarlicRound · 19/12/2025 15:12

BerryTwister · 19/12/2025 15:10

What is his trade OP?

She's said. Lorry driver but unlikely to be able to return to it.

GarlicRound · 19/12/2025 15:11

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:07

I get the sarcasm, but yes, TBI as well (not major but substantial).

Show quote history

Ha. Is he getting brain rehab? Sounds like he should be.

It might be time to accept that, okay, maybe he isn't "thick" but has cognitive impairments that render him incompatible with your home & work life.

BerryTwister · 19/12/2025 15:10

What is his trade OP?

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