Page 7 | Explain that working from home is WORKING

wfhorwtf · 2025-12-19T12:28:49+00:00

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office. My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age. This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together. We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work. How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/12/2025 17:21

I think your only hope is to read him the riot act.

I write books. My last two partners could NOT get their heads around the fact that just because I'm sort-of self employed and working with things that are 'out of my head' I can't just down tools every time they want to show me a funny video or ask me what we should have for dinner. I had to start wearing noise cancelling headphones, working in a closed room (because one of them thought having the TV on 'wouldn't disturb you, you don't have to watch it!') and occasionally shout, 'leave me alone!'

The fact that I am now single tells you how successful it was.

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 17:14

Millytante · 19/12/2025 16:42

God almighty OP, this just gets worse.
He shows you off to all his friends on the grounds of your being a rare, independent working woman (who’s subbing his lifestyle now too)?
A mature woman by the sound of it, so is being paraded about as a trophy quite the vibe you were longing for?
He sounds like some six former* who’s bagged a seventh former who has her own car, tbh.

no idea how school years are numbered these days! I mean the two last years at school, A Levels time. Not primary, honestly 🤣

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No, that's not quite what I meant. I don't mean being paraded as some kind of trophy or financial support. I mean that he speaks about me and what I do very openly and with genuine pride, even though I probably don't quite fit the conventional idea of "wife material" within his social circle. A less secure man might well feel intimidated by that kind of social contrast, but he never has.

By "showing off," I mean things like this: a few years ago there was a news story about an exceptionally difficult exams (GCSE? I don't remember) maths problem that supposedly no students and almost no adults could solve. He was in the pub with friends, they tried it (obviously, what else can you do after a few pints) and failed, and he then called me, put me on speaker, and asked me to solve it in real time. He knew it was a totally safe bet, but it impressed his mates enormously, and he was riding that high for days and days.

And I take just as much pride in him and what he does within my own circles of nerds and eggheads.

OP posts:

GreenCandleWax · 19/12/2025 17:13

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

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Stop him coming into the room. Before you go in say - I am working from now until X. Please don't knock, come in or interrupt me. Close the door. When you are with him, spend some actual time talking and being together not on your phone, so he can appreciate a strong contrast between your work and time with him.

chickenfucker · 19/12/2025 17:12

Surely you need to say, if you can't let me work, you need to move back out so you're not in the house while I'm working.

TheSpottedZebra · 19/12/2025 17:08

CAN'T respect you, that should say...

TheSpottedZebra · 19/12/2025 17:07

You've mentioned feeling insecure. That really comes across in the way you repeatedly put yourself down, in all sorts of ways, whilst bigging him up.

You support him financially, you've cared for him, you put up with his moods. You make yourself much smaller, for him. It doesn't have to be this way.

He can, or wont respect you. It IS ok to move him back out, or split up with him altogether. Being single is fine, and it is definitely better than this.

RealChristmasBaby · 19/12/2025 17:07

I think it's not that he doesn't understand you're working, he's clearly bored and needs some sort of interaction. However if you were out all day working in an office, would he be emailing 4 videos an hour and phoning you several times an hour for little chats? I doubt it - so he's not respecting your work from home boundaries.
I have every sympathy for what he's going through (and you by default) but your initial post infers he doesn't understand you're working. Of course he does, he might not know exactly what you do (and maybe I wouldn't either) but he knows well enough you're busy and working so you need to address the other issues.

FollowSpot · 19/12/2025 17:01

OP, alongside your putting a few necessary boundaries in place, is there a way to get some support for him?

Via his GP or employer or insurance (if there is compensation) , some counselling to address the ‘limbo’ and dealing with stasis, boredom, insecurity of being not-work v etc

A life coach? Careers advisor?

EstherGreenwood63 · 19/12/2025 17:01

He sounds insufferably thick. Not gonna work is it?

MoominMai · 19/12/2025 16:57

itsthetea · 19/12/2025 12:48

He doesn’t need to understand

he needs to accept

Exactly.

I wfh and in project management so work is a bit similar to how OP describes hers. I had an ex who worked a manual job and interestingly enough never messaged me while at his job but because I wfh would passively aggressively joke how he’s not ‘allowed to contact me’ when he’s on non shift days but it’s a working day for me 🙄.

This ended up being a sign of who he was - just stroppy and immature if he wasn’t getting continuous attention - I stupidly somehow even got talked into staying up till 10pm on his night shift breaks when I’d already put in an 8-5 day at my desk and at 52 was struggling to stay awake for him. He really persisted in his belief that I must have bags of energy to keep him company given I ‘was home all day’. Thankfully I had enough sense to end it not too long after.

GreyBeeplus3 · 19/12/2025 16:55

I honestly don't think he'll ever 'get it'
To him there's nothing to show say, like a freshly finished physical brick wall
You've to tell him its NO talk/interruptions from X to y times
Your laptop is the tool you use to get work done, and it's preferably done in a quiet office-like atmosphere you've cultivated in your own home
If nothing changes
It shows that its all about him isn't it
And who needs that?

queenMab99 · 19/12/2025 16:50

Could he go to classes, maybe cookery, a foreign language, wood work or jewelry making? Something sociable, which would also occupy his mind.

CurtsyFriends · 19/12/2025 16:48

Not quite the same but if I’m working from
home at my parent’s house (like I will be doing next week), I have to hide from my Mum. She doesn’t seem to get it and all you hear is “can you just help me with this? Can you get the shopping in from the car? Can you let the dog out? Who are you talking to? Do you like DDog? I love him! What time do
you want dinner? What does this (small text) say?”

She isn’t doing it on purpose or trying to annoy or distract me, but she does. She tends to think out loud and then I feel
rude ignoring her.

So I tend to hide in my room so I can get stuff
done without the interruptions.

CurtsyFriends · 19/12/2025 16:48

Not quite the same but if I’m working from
home at my parent’s house (like I will be doing next week), I have to hide from my Mum. She doesn’t seem to get it and all you hear is “can you just help me with this? Can you get the shopping in from the car? Can you let the dog out? Who are you talking to? Do you like DDog? I love him! What time do
you want dinner? What does this (small text) say?”

She isn’t doing it on purpose or trying to annoy or distract me, but she does. She tends to think out loud and then I feel
rude ignoring her.

So I tend to hide in my room so I can get stuff
done without the interruptions.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 19/12/2025 16:45

Is he a wee bit thick 😂

queenMab99 · 19/12/2025 16:44

queenMab99 · 19/12/2025 16:34

My dog is like this, I don't work, I am retired, but he doesn't understand that reading is my way of chilling out after a walk. Or if I'm on the computer, I could be shopping. If I am not standing up doing housework of some sort, he thinks he should have my attention. Sometimes he does naughty stuff to get my attention. I think my dog is a narcissist.

Having read a lot more of this thread, I realise that it was unkind to compare me and my dog to your situation. Your partner is obviously struggling with his situation, and does need more support, but how you can do this and continue with your work is going to be difficult to resolve.

Millytante · 19/12/2025 16:42

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:59

Yes, there is some thoughtlessness there, and that's why I lost my temper today. He's very much a fast-reacting, act-first-think-later type, so if something pops into his head or he needs to check something, he acts on it immediately. Then it's the familiar "oh sorry, I didn't realise you were busy", "it was just a quick question", followed by a whole stream of explanations and excuses.
.
You're probably right that I haven't helped matters by being social at odd moments, grabbing a drink, stepping into the garden to clear my head or pick some produce, which might have blurred the boundaries I insisted on.

He's definitely not threatened by my job. I'm the weird one out among his friends' wives and girlfriends, but he's proud of that. If anything, he shows it off rather than feeling uneasy about it. It is me who feels massively insecure at times.

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God almighty OP, this just gets worse.
He shows you off to all his friends on the grounds of your being a rare, independent working woman (who’s subbing his lifestyle now too)?
A mature woman by the sound of it, so is being paraded about as a trophy quite the vibe you were longing for?
He sounds like some six former* who’s bagged a seventh former who has her own car, tbh.

no idea how school years are numbered these days! I mean the two last years at school, A Levels time. Not primary, honestly 🤣

FollowSpot · 19/12/2025 16:39

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:40

This might actually work. About a quarter of the videos he shows me are HGV drivers pulling off some fairly unbelievable manoeuvres, and I'm famously a terrible driver myself. I'm half-tempted to start saying, very innocently, "Well, it looks like they're not really doing much. How hard can it be? Just a round thingy to turn and, what, fewer than five pedals to push?"

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No, no disingenuous passive aggressive ‘hinting’

The pp has given you a great way to address this directly.

I would say ‘so those drivers don’t look as if they are doing much. Would it be ok to brandish a TokTok video in front of them and expect them to watch? Stop at any old time on the hard shoulder for a flask of tea and to FaceTime their Dp? No. And it isn’t ok to interrupt me. “

If he argues some ‘difference’

”I don’t actually care to argue the finer points of the comparison. I’m telling you that to keep
my job I need to do my job properly. With minute attention to detail. And I cannot do that with distractions. So you stop interrupting me while I am working or we will need to move apart again. However much I love you, I need to keep my job. That’s the bottom line”

You can be clear and direct about your needs without being angry or unkind. Just the facts. Clear.

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 16:37

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2025 16:28

I don't think you should regret it.

"I'm just trying to be a bit kinder and more understanding right now."
Well kindly - that approach is not working. You have explained to him that you need to concentrate and that having your concentration broken - doesn't matter if it's broken for seconds or minutes, broken is broken - slows down you getting your job done. And he has CHOSEN to break your concentration AGAIN. So, kind and understanding is not effective.

A Mumsnet phrase I picked up - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. So, you've tried kind and understanding, and you got more interruption. So you have to do something different, to get a different outcome. Analogy of him being expected to pull over for a 10 second video was one suggestion. Anger would have been my suggestion. I find that if someone is rarely angry, people do tend to listen on those rare occasions when they are. 'What the FUCK are you doing interrupting me again when I have repeatedly asked you NOT to!!' has its place.

"He's probably a bit more attention-seeking at the moment because of the circumstances."
Do you think this is down to boredom, your kindness/understanding encouraging it - or has his impulse control been affected by the BTI? All three are possible.

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On the final point, I very much hope this wasn't a consequence of the injury. He has always been impulsive and inclined to live in the moment, which I genuinely enjoyed. And on two other options - I probably did enable the situation to some extent (being inconsistent with telling him I'm busy), and boredom has certainly been a significant factor too.

OP posts:

queenMab99 · 19/12/2025 16:34

My dog is like this, I don't work, I am retired, but he doesn't understand that reading is my way of chilling out after a walk. Or if I'm on the computer, I could be shopping. If I am not standing up doing housework of some sort, he thinks he should have my attention. Sometimes he does naughty stuff to get my attention. I think my dog is a narcissist.

BlackCat14 · 19/12/2025 16:34

I don’t WFH but my boyfriend does, and my mum doesn’t get it at all. Im currently off on mat leave and my mum comes round a couple of times a week. My boyfriend will pop down when she comes to say hi, and he’ll come down on his lunch break. And she always makes comments like “oh it’s good this working from home lark isn’t it! Do you actually do any work? This is easy isn’t it, I wish when I worked I worked from home!” he once made the fatal error of coming down and saying he’d just been on the phone to our washing machine company, ordering a new one, and mum was flabbergasted that he’d done this during “work time.” He laughs it off, but I get annoyed and remind her he is allowed a lunch break, and if he was in the office he’d get a lunch break. I always constantly tell her that his job is the same whether he’s in the office or at home, the same amount of work gets done. But she just doesn’t get it!

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 16:30

tlofmlwcharlie · 19/12/2025 16:22

You've been together 10 years and have only just started living together. Conveniently timed to coincide with him not being able to work due to an injury.
He won't be going back to work again OP, now he's living in your place and you're working to bring money in for both of you.
All very convenient.

He's completely convinced he'll be able to go back to work and that this is all just a temporary phase

He's talking the talk. That's what he thinks you want to hear.

Brace yourself for this being a permanent situation with him not working until retirement.

You tell him your working hours and tell him he is not to disturb you. Put a lock on the door if necessary and ignore him completely during your working hours. If he doesn't like it, he's free to move out again and find a job to pay for it

I would be perfectly happy if he never worked for money again until retirement. In fact, I probably prefer it, provided he finds something meaningful to occupy his time. I don't need financial support from him. I'm fortunate to be well paid, and it genuinely isn't an issue at all.

OP posts:

Farmhouse1234 · 19/12/2025 16:29

He doesn’t need to understand. Or have experience of your work. He just needs to accept what you are saying. In order to do that he needs to respect you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2025 16:28

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 14:13

That's exactly what happened this morning. I got angry (and tbh I regret now getting that angry).

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I don't think you should regret it.

"I'm just trying to be a bit kinder and more understanding right now."
Well kindly - that approach is not working. You have explained to him that you need to concentrate and that having your concentration broken - doesn't matter if it's broken for seconds or minutes, broken is broken - slows down you getting your job done. And he has CHOSEN to break your concentration AGAIN. So, kind and understanding is not effective.

A Mumsnet phrase I picked up - 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. So, you've tried kind and understanding, and you got more interruption. So you have to do something different, to get a different outcome. Analogy of him being expected to pull over for a 10 second video was one suggestion. Anger would have been my suggestion. I find that if someone is rarely angry, people do tend to listen on those rare occasions when they are. 'What the FUCK are you doing interrupting me again when I have repeatedly asked you NOT to!!' has its place.

"He's probably a bit more attention-seeking at the moment because of the circumstances."
Do you think this is down to boredom, your kindness/understanding encouraging it - or has his impulse control been affected by the BTI? All three are possible.

twilightcafe · 19/12/2025 16:25

You've got to stop being nice to these time bandits.
I had to do the same with DH.
'I AM WORKING. GO AWAY'
He'll have the arse but that's his issue, not yours.