Page 6 | Explain that working from home is WORKING

wfhorwtf · 2025-12-19T12:28:49+00:00

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office. My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age. This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together. We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work. How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

Terrribletwos · 19/12/2025 18:39

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

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So after explaining how you work to him he's actually just thick then?

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 18:37

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/12/2025 18:36

You think direct communication is passive aggressive? What?

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I think the suggestion was to put a sign on my office door.

OP posts:

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 18:36

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 19/12/2025 18:28

I can see why, after 10 years, you don't want to accept what he's telling you about himself. Are you happy to live apart for another few decades until retirement, or is it better to cut your losses now?

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It seems they're happy to live together now that he can't work and may have to medically retire in the near future.

Him having had a marriage in the past and other long-term relationships, and the OP having been mostly single before they met.

I fear this won't be the only spotlight shining on their incompatibility.

But ultimately she'll be able to look after him now, as long as he leaves her alone to earn the money.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/12/2025 18:36

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 18:34

I’m not ignoring it, I think I did thank one poster for the suggestion? I didn’t respond to the rest, though, that's true. The approach feels a bit passive-aggressive to me, I am usually more leaning towards "let's discuss and agree on a joint solution" rather than ultimatums.

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You think direct communication is passive aggressive? What?

Bearbookagainandagain · 19/12/2025 18:35

When WFH, my husband is in the box room and I'm in the living room. If either of us close the door during the hours of 8-5pm, that means we can't be interrupted.

We don't need to understand each others job, just need to respect it.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/12/2025 18:34

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 17:34

I'm surprised my messages sound self-belittling. I've always been comfortable on my own and have been single for most of my life. I'm with him because I want to be, and because my life feels richer with him than without him.

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Are you? You’re genuinely surprised that your multiple comments about your complete unwillingness to assert any boundaries, whilst making excuses for and praising this man (who doesn’t appear to actually have any praiseworthy qualities) make you seem like you’ve very little self esteem?

‘He just genuinely doesn’t understand.’ Really, OP?

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 18:34

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 19/12/2025 18:29

Why you ignoring the posts where people give you the simplest solution - “don’t disturb me at all between 9am and 5pm”?

Edited

I’m not ignoring it, I think I did thank one poster for the suggestion? I didn’t respond to the rest, though, that's true. The approach feels a bit passive-aggressive to me, I am usually more leaning towards "let's discuss and agree on a joint solution" rather than ultimatums.

OP posts:

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/12/2025 18:31

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 19/12/2025 18:29

Why you ignoring the posts where people give you the simplest solution - “don’t disturb me at all between 9am and 5pm”?

Edited

Because she’s completely unwilling to assert any boundaries whatsoever.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 19/12/2025 18:29

Why you ignoring the posts where people give you the simplest solution - “don’t disturb me at all between 9am and 5pm”?

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 19/12/2025 18:28

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 18:23

We do have a set of mutual friends, mostly from our shared hobby, which is how we met and is highly identifying (yes, it is cycling). We've also lived together on and off over the years, though never for very long stretches - not by design, but because life happened in certain ways (parents needing care, work secondment to a kingdom far far away, etc).

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I can see why, after 10 years, you don't want to accept what he's telling you about himself. Are you happy to live apart for another few decades until retirement, or is it better to cut your losses now?

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 18:23

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 18:17

Sounds like you see him as your 'bit of rough' and that's why you have separate friends and (ecosystems??)

A workable relationship when you've lived apart for 10 years.

But now he's moved into your home, I've a feeling you're both about to find out how very different you are.

We do have a set of mutual friends, mostly from our shared hobby, which is how we met and is highly identifying (yes, it is cycling). We've also lived together on and off over the years, though never for very long stretches - not by design, but because life happened in certain ways (parents needing care, work secondment to a kingdom far far away, etc).

OP posts:

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 18:17

Sounds like you see him as your 'bit of rough' and that's why you have separate friends and (ecosystems??)

A workable relationship when you've lived apart for 10 years.

But now he's moved into your home, I've a feeling you're both about to find out how very different you are.

outerspacepotato · 19/12/2025 18:13

You've got a whole lot of bullshit excuses for his rude behaviour.

Did he move in to recover from the accident? It really looks like the two of you are incompatible when it comes to living together. He lets his need to be entertained take over and he interrupts your work. He knows you're working. Stop selling yourself bullshit. He doesn't really respect what you do or he would leave you to do it without getting upset that you won't look at his videos or whatever stuff he wants you to do instead of make the money to pay for the roof over your heads.

Showing you off like a smart toy for his friends, the fuck?

It sounds like his moving in was a big mistake. He's childish and pissy when you don't put his need for attention for superfluous bullshit over your job.

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 18:10

Millytante · 19/12/2025 17:36

Fair enough, though I’m not particularly reassured for you!
It still strikes me as a very puerile view (his, I mean) of your relationship.

However, an important point in your post there is that he talks about your profession and its high responsibilities non-stop and with pride, among his circle.
He hardly tells his mates that you spend hours every day scrolling through Reddit, or doing your nails in between coffee breaks.
He certainly has some grasp of what WFH entails for you (and definitely for him)! Let him remember this next time he’s asking you to come out to play.

(Could your two acquaintance groups ever mesh, do you think? You speak of two very separate spheres.)

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No, I don't think they would ever mesh, and that's actually a good thing. We each have our own private ecosystems, and then there's the shared territory between us, which feels like a third place altogether. We're not planning to get married, for many reasons, though we did have some fun imagining what a wedding might look like, with both sets of guests bravely attempting to mingle, heavily assisted by alcohol.

He talks about my work with real pride. When there's a tangible outcome I'm allowed to mention (some of it is confidential / sensitive), it often sounds very sexy like “we improved the discrimination performance of algorithm A by 1.16%.” In practice, in the future that could mean thousands of earlier and cheaper cancer diagnoses, fewer pedestrians flattened by self-driving cars, or many other things. Claiming that directly would feel like a massive reach, though, so the easiest shorthand tends to be the one everyone understands... the financial reward attached to the work.

OP posts:

BauhausOfEliott · 19/12/2025 18:07

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:24

He isn't stupid at all. What's probably been eye-opening for me is realising that I can't even explain what I do properly unless the other person already works in a similar field. From the outside, it genuinely does look like pressing a few buttons and staring at colourful graphs. And saying "and then I spend two hours reading papers and thinking about which button to press next" doesn't exactly help make it sound any less idiotic.

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He doesn't NEED to understand what you actually do.

All he needs to understand is that your job requires a lot of focus and concentration and that you're often reading and analysing information that needs your full attention. That isn't actually difficult to understand at all. He doesn't need to know about algorithms and data sets. He just needs to fucking BELIEVE YOU when you say that you can't be interrupted, that's all. And he needs to stop being such a needy, over-sensitive baby.

I spent some time working from my mum's house recently after my dad died. My mum (who is the most sociable and chatty person ever) doesn't have the first clue what I do, and I do a lot of tasks that would be hard to explain to her, but when I said 'I'm going to have my head down concentrating on a big work task all afternoon so I won't be able to chat I'm afraid, sorry' she completely understood that interrupting me would break my concentration. She's never worked in an office in her life and she's 82 years old, so if she can manage it, your partner should be able to manage it too.

I bet his ex wasn't really 'addicted to social media' at all. My guess is that she just wanted some peace and quiet while he kept begging for attention and acting all butt-hurt when she wanted to left alone.

TheSpottedZebra · 19/12/2025 18:04

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 17:34

I'm surprised my messages sound self-belittling. I've always been comfortable on my own and have been single for most of my life. I'm with him because I want to be, and because my life feels richer with him than without him.

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Honestly, it comes across like you think you're very lucky to have him/ anyone and so you'll put up with anything, and continue to make yourself smaller 5o keep him.

Poodleville · 19/12/2025 18:00

His behaviour sounds incredibly annoying and I'm not surprised you lost your patience!
I think you need to really nip this in the bud, you can be kind and consistent and boundaried as well.
Maybe pre arrange to share a break with him IF it suits you, but otherwise you'll need to repeatedly say "sorry no the middle of something." He'll get it eventually, if there are a few sulks along the way, rather him annoyed than you!

Petitchat · 19/12/2025 17:51

I'm studying a language and DH thought it was perfectly fine to keep interrupting whilst I was in the middle of the lessons.
As if I were doing nothing at all.

I persuaded him to take the lessons too and then I kept interrupting him.

Tit for tat I know, but he soon got the message 👍

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 19/12/2025 17:46

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:59

Yes, there is some thoughtlessness there, and that's why I lost my temper today. He's very much a fast-reacting, act-first-think-later type, so if something pops into his head or he needs to check something, he acts on it immediately. Then it's the familiar "oh sorry, I didn't realise you were busy", "it was just a quick question", followed by a whole stream of explanations and excuses.
.
You're probably right that I haven't helped matters by being social at odd moments, grabbing a drink, stepping into the garden to clear my head or pick some produce, which might have blurred the boundaries I insisted on.

He's definitely not threatened by my job. I'm the weird one out among his friends' wives and girlfriends, but he's proud of that. If anything, he shows it off rather than feeling uneasy about it. It is me who feels massively insecure at times.

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“He's very much a fast-reacting, act-first-think-later type, so if something pops into his head or he needs to check something, he acts on it immediately. Then it's the familiar "oh sorry, I didn't realise you were busy", "it was just a quick question", followed by a whole stream of explanations and excuses”

So this is why you need a very firm and clear boundary such as “don’t come into my work space between 9-5 for any reason other than the house is burning down”. Plenty of us have mentioned this but you seem to have ignored those posts.
Remind him just before you start work every day “I’m starting work now, please don’t disturb me and I’ll see you at lunch time”. Close the door and even put an A4 “do not disturb” notice on. There’s really no excuse for not making it crystal clear.

Millytante · 19/12/2025 17:36

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 17:14

No, that's not quite what I meant. I don't mean being paraded as some kind of trophy or financial support. I mean that he speaks about me and what I do very openly and with genuine pride, even though I probably don't quite fit the conventional idea of "wife material" within his social circle. A less secure man might well feel intimidated by that kind of social contrast, but he never has.

By "showing off," I mean things like this: a few years ago there was a news story about an exceptionally difficult exams (GCSE? I don't remember) maths problem that supposedly no students and almost no adults could solve. He was in the pub with friends, they tried it (obviously, what else can you do after a few pints) and failed, and he then called me, put me on speaker, and asked me to solve it in real time. He knew it was a totally safe bet, but it impressed his mates enormously, and he was riding that high for days and days.

And I take just as much pride in him and what he does within my own circles of nerds and eggheads.

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Fair enough, though I’m not particularly reassured for you!
It still strikes me as a very puerile view (his, I mean) of your relationship.

However, an important point in your post there is that he talks about your profession and its high responsibilities non-stop and with pride, among his circle.
He hardly tells his mates that you spend hours every day scrolling through Reddit, or doing your nails in between coffee breaks.
He certainly has some grasp of what WFH entails for you (and definitely for him)! Let him remember this next time he’s asking you to come out to play.

(Could your two acquaintance groups ever mesh, do you think? You speak of two very separate spheres.)

skyeisthelimit · 19/12/2025 17:35

He is an adult and should be able to understand "I am working, I am not free between 9 and 5, please do not disturb me".

If he doesn't listen then tell him to move himself back out again.

He needs to listen to you and respect what you say. His boredom is not your problem.

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 17:34

TheSpottedZebra · 19/12/2025 17:07

You've mentioned feeling insecure. That really comes across in the way you repeatedly put yourself down, in all sorts of ways, whilst bigging him up.

You support him financially, you've cared for him, you put up with his moods. You make yourself much smaller, for him. It doesn't have to be this way.

He can, or wont respect you. It IS ok to move him back out, or split up with him altogether. Being single is fine, and it is definitely better than this.

I'm surprised my messages sound self-belittling. I've always been comfortable on my own and have been single for most of my life. I'm with him because I want to be, and because my life feels richer with him than without him.

OP posts:

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 17:29

FollowSpot · 19/12/2025 17:01

OP, alongside your putting a few necessary boundaries in place, is there a way to get some support for him?

Via his GP or employer or insurance (if there is compensation) , some counselling to address the ‘limbo’ and dealing with stasis, boredom, insecurity of being not-work v etc

A life coach? Careers advisor?

I wish. He's just not the kind of man who would ever voluntarily sit in a room and talk about his feelings with a stranger or admit he has a problem, or his penis might fall off. There's plenty of resources within reach, it is a question of willingness.

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awrbc81 · 19/12/2025 17:26

Oh come on yeah people do different types of work but saying he doesn’t understand that you’re working because you’re sat in front of a computer is ridiculous.
I don’t think you’re compatible tbh

BuckChuckets · 19/12/2025 17:25

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 15:35

He's mostly done long-haul European routes, usually double-manned, so it was surprisingly social. When he's been solo tramping, it's been podcasts, news, and audiobooks. Because of that, he used to be far far more well-read and on top of current affairs than I am, for the benefit of anyone telling me he's anti intellectual.

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Ok so he's not cognitively impaired from the accident, he's not thick...can you see that this means he just doesn't care about or respect your need to work?