Page 3 | Explain that working from home is WORKING

catlover123456789 · 20/12/2025 17:51

I work from home and my job also requires a lot of attention, when I am not on the 5-7 calls I seem to have per day. If my partner is at home, even him sitting next to me is a distraction. His job is very different to mine. I think it can be hard for more 'traditional' jobs to appreciate that working from home/analytical based work is 'work'. My MIL definitely doesn't understand.
Honestly, I'd show him what I am working on and how you do it. And encourage him to get back to work!

Khayker · 20/12/2025 17:48

rubyslippers · 19/12/2025 12:36

He can’t be that stupid that he thinks a desk based job isn’t work?
I think you’re fundamentally incompatible - I bet his ex wasn’t scrolling through socials. She was probably working

Yes people can be that stupid. I've been subject to many comments like 'its not proper work is it?' from some family members, mainly men. Glad I'm retired, the ignorance and levels of self importance coming from them was palpable.

BuildbyNumbere · 20/12/2025 14:32

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

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Is it really that hard to understand? Or he just doesn’t want to … or he’s a bit thick?!?

NotAnotherScarf · 20/12/2025 13:55

Two things are clear to me. One he doesn't understand that working from home in your job is different to many other people who work from home, I know many who do and they pop to the shops, have a coffee, do the school run when they like. I expect he has seen loads of people like that and he just can't compute your job isn't that flexible.
Secondly, like a lot of men on the tools, he's not used to sitting around doing little and he is bored, hence the need to interact with you.

You need to sit him down over Christmas, explain and show him what you do and why you can't just take a break when you want.
You also need to encourage him to start to get out and about himself to prepare for for getting back to work.

TheTaupeScroller · 20/12/2025 13:52

JifNtGif · 20/12/2025 13:26

If you are just WFH and not in the office working, taking a few seconds out of you apparent zen like state isn't beneath you.

what are you on about? Care to elaborate because you are not making any sense.

SheCharter · 20/12/2025 13:42

@JifNtGif , did you read the OP?

JifNtGif · 20/12/2025 13:26

If you are just WFH and not in the office working, taking a few seconds out of you apparent zen like state isn't beneath you.

Millytante · 20/12/2025 13:11

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 12:01

During this period, we lived together on and off, several times. Each time life happened and intervened - one of his parents needed care, so he had to move closer. Then I accepted a long secondment abroad that would have been unwise to decline. Later, one of his teenage children needed to live with him during a particularly fragile period (they are now doing extremely well and at university). We lived together for some time in between those episodes, and we also lived separately.

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Oh, he has children! So……what’s become of his previous home, in terms of their access to a base with him? (I’d taken him to be a bachelor for some reason)
Will his uni student children be expecting to stay with him at your place during part of the hols? What will happen re Christmas dinner, for example. Will they come to you two, or will DP even go elsewhere, perhaps? (and here, you've every right to tell me to MMOB)

Oof….rather you than me, that’s for sure. After having your house as your castle for so long, you have invited in the possibility of other people’s chaos!
I realise many see this as the great warp and weft of life’s rich tapestry and all that, but my nerves wouldn’t cope.

Anyway, I’m not adding much, I know.
Just wanted to second that emotion, where a previous post praised (‘scuse alliteration) your serene and peaceable demeanour throughout your thread, despite a fusillade of brickbats and worse. (Nosiness, for example!)

CelestialCandyfloss · 20/12/2025 12:55

Bimmering · 20/12/2025 12:38

I think you need to find your anger more, not less.

It's outrageous that you are considering a different job because that would be easier than getting him to listen to you.

I think you're got too much into the mindset of feeling like you need him to understand your job. He doesn't need to understand it, he needs to understand that his partner has told him something disturbs and upsets her. He doesn't need to understand exactly why to stop doing it. He just needs to stop it.

I agree with you. The OP sounds so reasonable and like she has said ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION that the deep work she is doing can't be disturbed. I WFH 3 days a week and sometimes I listen to podcasts wh when I work- my daughter comes in from school cos she thinks that means I'm not working, but even she gets that I am still working if I tell her, and I will give her my attention at 5pm. I don't really understand why he doesn't understand, unless it's deliberate? It's almost like weaponised incompetence.

hypnovic · 20/12/2025 12:48

Ask him if he would expect to pop into the office at work several times a day and also if he had to down tools to look at tiktoks would that make his day easier. He does understand working he is being a demanding baby

Bimmering · 20/12/2025 12:38

I think you need to find your anger more, not less.

It's outrageous that you are considering a different job because that would be easier than getting him to listen to you.

I think you're got too much into the mindset of feeling like you need him to understand your job. He doesn't need to understand it, he needs to understand that his partner has told him something disturbs and upsets her. He doesn't need to understand exactly why to stop doing it. He just needs to stop it.

alittleprivacy · 20/12/2025 12:31

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 10:30

Come on. You don't throw away a long-term partner just because, for a while, they're a bit of a financial inconvenience and need some help (mental much more than financial in this case). You wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that.

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Throw him away for getting injured and needing some support? No.

But for completely disrespecting you and making it impossible for you to properly do your work? The work you need to do in order to support him? Yes absolutely.

For deliberately making it so that you now feel you need to change how you work and leave your home so he can have it to himself? Absolutely.

He is manipulating you out of your home in the day time so he can have it to himself. That's not an accident.

You don't need to end it now but you should absolutely be making it clear to him that if he continues to make it impossible for you to work comfortably, he'll have to move out. Tell him he is on his final warning and it's non-negotiable. He doesn't need to understand how your mind or your work practice works. But he does have to show respect for you, your work and your home and stop interrupting you. Otherwise, he isn't compatible with your needs in your home.

CelestialCandyfloss · 20/12/2025 12:30

Infuriating. He sounds immature. In fact, my daughter comes home from school and interrupts me and shows me videos...but she's 15 😬

tlofmlwcharlie · 20/12/2025 12:26

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 12:01

During this period, we lived together on and off, several times. Each time life happened and intervened - one of his parents needed care, so he had to move closer. Then I accepted a long secondment abroad that would have been unwise to decline. Later, one of his teenage children needed to live with him during a particularly fragile period (they are now doing extremely well and at university). We lived together for some time in between those episodes, and we also lived separately.

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Ok, well maybe I was wrong and it isn't a cocklodger situation. (Unfortunately I know of a lot of people who have had similar and the man did turn into a cocklodger - some kind of unfortunate life event meant they needed to move in with their girlfriend and it all ended up being very convenient and they ended up never going back to work).

Still, he needs to be doing something constructive with his time and not hanging around seeking attention from you so calm discussion is needed about how to move forward from here and that you're going to be working for x number of years and that means working hours from y to z and so he'll have to find something to occupy himself during those hours because you can't be disturbed.

And if he continues to disturb you and doesn't make moves to find something constructive to do (a new job, volunteering, hobby, classes etc) you'll need to look at the situation again.

BTW I think you sound like a very considerate and kind person because you respond so well to people on the thread you don't agree with rather than turning snippy and nasty which seems to happen on most threads these days.

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 12:01

tlofmlwcharlie · 20/12/2025 11:49

But why did you move him in at that point and not at any point during the last 10 years?
It was asking for trouble really.

You need to be firmer with him with the interruptions and neediness otherwise it's going to be hell for you which is only going to get worse. He's not going to start working again now when he's got a good thing going living with you and getting the help he needs which means this is going to be a permanent situation.

If he refuses to accept that you are working and mustn't be disturbed this is going to lead to constant arguments which is wearing.

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During this period, we lived together on and off, several times. Each time life happened and intervened - one of his parents needed care, so he had to move closer. Then I accepted a long secondment abroad that would have been unwise to decline. Later, one of his teenage children needed to live with him during a particularly fragile period (they are now doing extremely well and at university). We lived together for some time in between those episodes, and we also lived separately.

OP posts:

tlofmlwcharlie · 20/12/2025 11:49

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 10:30

Come on. You don't throw away a long-term partner just because, for a while, they're a bit of a financial inconvenience and need some help (mental much more than financial in this case). You wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that.

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But why did you move him in at that point and not at any point during the last 10 years?
It was asking for trouble really.

You need to be firmer with him with the interruptions and neediness otherwise it's going to be hell for you which is only going to get worse. He's not going to start working again now when he's got a good thing going living with you and getting the help he needs which means this is going to be a permanent situation.

If he refuses to accept that you are working and mustn't be disturbed this is going to lead to constant arguments which is wearing.

CarefullyCuratedFurniture · 20/12/2025 11:27

If he's had a brain injury, it's quite likely that there is some cognitive impairment, even if it isn't glaringly obvious at this stage.

Can he get himself to things like Men's Shed, or Andy's Man Club if there's one near you? It might help him find purpose in a life that's been turned upside down as a result of his accident. It would also get him out of your hair during the day.

Jaybail · 20/12/2025 11:26

Is he your partner or your son? Lots of people saying, explain carefully what you do, how you work, what you need etc. Don't use a laptop, have a proper set up. Have a conversation about what time you break for lunch and you can talk then but not while you are working. NO - just do the job that you are being paid to do and don't respond to interruptions. Don't make allowances for his boredom, don't find him other tasks to occupy him. He's a grown man not a kid. Close your home office door and don't allow him to interrupt you when you are working. If you were a surgeon would he show up in theatre to show you a tik tok? If you were a teacher would he pop into the classroom to ask you something? If you were a firefighter would he switch the hose off to have a conversation? Dude doesn't respect you or your job, stop him from stealing your work time.

Pherian · 20/12/2025 11:23

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:28

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

You don’t need to explain it to him. He needs to get a job and be out of the house, and respect your space.

The only thing he needs to understand is from which hours you aren’t to be disturbed. He is in YOUR home and he isn’t your husband. You set the rules in your own home.

If he can’t get his head around it he needs to go.

dayslikethese1 · 20/12/2025 11:21

Can't you just shut the door and ignore him?

LadyLapsang · 20/12/2025 11:17

I wonder if he is a bit depressed. There is a strong correlation between lots of changes at the same time e.g. a major accident / illness, linked with other changes such as unemployment. Even things which may be positive, such as moving in with you, are still changes. If it looks like it is going to lead to the end of his paid working life, that is a major change too and likely to lead to a thoughts of is that it then? You don’t just retire from something but to something and I guess trying to think of the future in a more positive way will be a challenge, but hopefully he / you as a couple will get there.

Have you looked at the Headway website given he has suffered a head injury.

mixedpeel · 20/12/2025 10:59

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 10:30

Come on. You don't throw away a long-term partner just because, for a while, they're a bit of a financial inconvenience and need some help (mental much more than financial in this case). You wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that.

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I agree with this, and tbh I’m impressed at how you’ve risen above the numerous comments to this effect. I’ve found the thread a problematic read, particularly the stuff about how ‘thick’ he must be and how incompatible the two of you allegedly are…

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 10:30

tlofmlwcharlie · 20/12/2025 08:45

I also think cocklodger. The timing is too convenient. They have been together 10 years and not lived together but now he's had a work injury and can't work and suddenly he's moved in and now he's being disruptive.
Obviously you can't expect him to work if he's still recovering but he should be starting to consider his options and look for something else as it's becoming clear HGV driving might not be possible.
He's nearing retirement and I think he's found a handy solution for the bext few years until he can get his pension. Op can work and pay for most of their needs and look after him into the bargain.

But OP has already answered posts like this and said she doesn't mind!

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Come on. You don't throw away a long-term partner just because, for a while, they're a bit of a financial inconvenience and need some help (mental much more than financial in this case). You wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that.

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Original poster

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 10:24

NewUserName2244 · 20/12/2025 04:22

I’ve read quite a few of the posts with interest.

Im very feminist and I’d be the first to say that constant interruptions would often be a sign of not respecting your work but I’m not sure that’s what’s going on here.

I think over Christmas holidays you need a difficult conversation about the possibly recovery might be delayed and therefore he needs something short term which helps to keep him in work mode, gets him out of the house, gives him a sense of purpose and builds some new connections. I’d avoid speaking about this being long term and instead speak about the next 3 months with the possibility to extend if he was still off work in 6.

Things which could work well could be voluntary work that fits his needs - food banks are always crying out for people in January. Or joining a gym and going every morning to do his physio there. Or a men’s shed, or walking football, or a job on the counter in Tesco etc.

I think if he gets some structure to his week the interruptions will reduce and he’ll feel a bit more able to think about the future.

Yes, thank you for the post. Reading through page after page of this thread, this also become clear to me. You're absolutely right that it probably needs to be framed as a TEMPORARY way to relieve boredom... if it feels too final, it may just be overwhelming to accept.
There was another really wise point someone made upthread that I've since lost track of (and didn't thank them for). That he likely feels a lot of guilt about "doing nothing," and the constant pestering is his way of reassuring himself and showing to me that he IS doing something after all like: following the news, hanging fairy lights, thinking about what to make for dinner, and so on.

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Original poster

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 10:12

Lougle · 19/12/2025 23:46

It won't help your situation, but what qualifications do you need to do your job and how would someone get started in this line of work?

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I'm not sure I actually explained what I do. There aren't any formal qualification requirements as such. I happen to have a doctorate and did some postdoc work in a STEM field (though in a different area), but one of the project leads I worked with before hadn't even finished high school and was still among the top experts in the world at what he did - completely self taught. There isn't really a formal entry route either, or at least there wasn't when I started. I might just be out of the loop now since I work at a very small shop (sorry, "boutique") and we almost never recruit. I more or less fell into it when a former coursemate suggested I give it a go and introduced me to his boss.

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