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Original poster

Explain that working from home is WORKING

441 replies

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:28

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

OP posts:
Swash89 · 19/12/2025 13:03

He sounds very selfish and controlling.

FeedingPidgeons · 19/12/2025 13:01

"Takes small rejections quite personally"

Red flag.

He is needy and he has you walking on eggshells.

Its your fucking house!

Lay down the law and if he doesn't like it, out he goes.

It is really worrying that you are planning to change jobs rather than simply insisting on some basic respect in your own home.

I mean, wtf

ThisJadeBear · 19/12/2025 12:58

This is just my idea of a nightmare.
He is not 4. You are not his mother.
WFH has been going on for long enough now for people to get the concept.
I should imagine your hard work also pays for your lovely home.
To be thinking about finding work in an office is just depressing.
These feelings of rejection he has are red flags flying at full mast.
He is overriding you at every turn and if you keep allowing him to then you will have a full on cocklodger in situ.
He either leaves you alone while you are working or he moves out.
This is a slippery slope and is actually concerning.

Snorlaxo · 19/12/2025 12:58

How would he respond to you literally scheduling him in? For example you might tell him that you’ll take a lunch break at 1pm or a coffee break at 11am and be available to hang out for x mins.

My children understood the concept of their dad WFH before they started primary school. They knew it meant don’t go in his room and pretend he’s not at home until he leaves the room. I think that your partner doesn’t consider you line of work as real work because to him, computers are for growing the Internet and playing games.

Maiyakat · 19/12/2025 12:57

Can you explain it to him in relation to his job, e.g. him interrupting you is like him being called from the roof of a house, having to come down the scaffolding, looking at a silly video for 10 seconds and then having to climb all the way back up again, cos that's what your brain is having to do.

Evaka · 19/12/2025 12:57

idkbroidk · 19/12/2025 12:34

at best, he's really stupid

at worst, he's controlling

either scenario is pretty bad

This is right. What a dense view. How does the think the world functions?

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 12:57

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:54

You'd laugh, but I genuinely thought about switching to a more office-based role in the new year for exactly this reason. And yes, my DP sounds very similar too in that he really needs social interaction and tends to take even small rejections quite personally.

Show quote history

You've let this man move into your home and he's causing such a problem that you're now having to consider switching to a different role?

Catch yourself on.

And don't ever have kids with him if he's not grown up enough to not take 'even small rejections quite personally'.

Behindwithwrapping · 19/12/2025 12:56

I don't think he is being truthful with you. In the trades there are plenty of times where you quietly look at things and, problem solve, think and plan. My DH's biggest bug bear with his apprentice is that he constantly fills the silence and distracts others. He must know you contribute to finances so you're doing 'something'.

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:54

Biscuitburglar · 19/12/2025 12:46

Could you sit him in your chair at the desk and ask for his attention for a full hour and talk him through exactly what you are currently working on, why and how? Show him your calendar, today’s emails and what you need to achieve in detail in the next week and more broadly in the next month? And see if that helps?

I’m in a similar position in that I work from home in a very data heavy role that needs a lot of close attention, whereas my husband thrives on social interaction and if he’s home he takes a lot of calls. If he doesn’t talk to anyone for an hour, he either interrupts me or has long and involved conversations with the dog.

From the New Year, I’ve already decided that I’m going to go in to the office another day per week!

You'd laugh, but I genuinely thought about switching to a more office-based role in the new year for exactly this reason. And yes, my DP sounds very similar too in that he really needs social interaction and tends to take even small rejections quite personally.

OP posts:
SpaceRaccoon · 19/12/2025 12:52

Look he's either stupid or he doesn't give a shit. Neither are good.

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 12:52

Biscuitburglar · 19/12/2025 12:46

Could you sit him in your chair at the desk and ask for his attention for a full hour and talk him through exactly what you are currently working on, why and how? Show him your calendar, today’s emails and what you need to achieve in detail in the next week and more broadly in the next month? And see if that helps?

I’m in a similar position in that I work from home in a very data heavy role that needs a lot of close attention, whereas my husband thrives on social interaction and if he’s home he takes a lot of calls. If he doesn’t talk to anyone for an hour, he either interrupts me or has long and involved conversations with the dog.

From the New Year, I’ve already decided that I’m going to go in to the office another day per week!

Could you sit him in your chair at the desk and ask for his attention for a full hour and talk him through exactly what you are currently working on, why and how? Show him your calendar, today’s emails and what you need to achieve in detail in the next week and more broadly in the next month? And see if that helps?

Kind of like a 'take your child to work day'?

An actual adult shouldn't need this level of help to understand the simple concept of work.

DwarfPalmetto · 19/12/2025 12:51

It's not about understanding. You have told him more than once not to interrupt you and he continues to do it. He just thinks what he wants is more important than what you want or need.

oviraptor21 · 19/12/2025 12:51

Close the door.
Put an engaged or busy sign on it?

Shutuptrevor · 19/12/2025 12:51

We have a similar dynamic here. I had to be fairly firm with my partner but he did respect that. I try to always stop and sit with him for half an hour at lunch, and occasionally a quick coffee, but otherwise I am in my study, door closed and occasionally with earplugs in.

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 12:49

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

Write it on the back of his colouring book in crayon?

Sorry OP but he sounds spectacularly thick and you're either far too understanding, or you're making excuses for it.

SheCharter · 19/12/2025 12:48

My partner has recently moved in. and he'll soon be moving out at this rate.
Get rid. You're not compatible.

beAsensible1 · 19/12/2025 12:48

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:45

I don't think she was working on her phone , as her job was very much in the "real world" (a cashier, I think). I know this (her socials addiction) has been a big issue for him in the past and led to them breaking up, so it's probably a sensitive subject.
He isn't stupid at all, he just hasn't had any previous exposure to this kind of work. From his point of view, he's only asking for a few seconds of my time every time. From mine, it means dropping out of a task entirely and then trying to get back into it again. Maybe it's my brain that is broken here!

Show quote history

close the door to the office and put a dnd sign on the door.

Put in some ear plugs so you can ignore him if he shouts you.

itsthetea · 19/12/2025 12:48

He doesn’t need to understand

he needs to accept

Stade197 · 19/12/2025 12:48

I feel he is just being a bit ignorant here, it can't be that hard to understand your work, I've always done manual work in warehouses but even I can understand that if you need to be in your room working in peace then you are not to be disturbed.

If he can't understand that then tell him if he doesn't stop interrupting you then you may need to put a lock on the door because you need to be undisturbed to complete your work

Catza · 19/12/2025 12:46

Sneesellsseashells · 19/12/2025 12:32

I’m sorry @wfhorwtf what does it mean that he doesn’t understand that work is work? He does understand that, how could he not but what he is saying is that in spite of you working his getting attention is more important to him. That is utterly controlling and I would not be one bit happy with that.

Will have to agree with this. I work from home. I see clients for virtual consultations. My last two partners would constantly expect me to sign for deliveries, let an electrician in or similar. These things would be booked entirely without a discussion with me and just dumped on me in the form of "oh yeah, I have something coming between 12 and 2 today that you need to sign for. What do you mean you can't pause your consultation. Of course you can, it only takes a minute"...
They understood. They just didn't care.

Biscuitburglar · 19/12/2025 12:46

Could you sit him in your chair at the desk and ask for his attention for a full hour and talk him through exactly what you are currently working on, why and how? Show him your calendar, today’s emails and what you need to achieve in detail in the next week and more broadly in the next month? And see if that helps?

I’m in a similar position in that I work from home in a very data heavy role that needs a lot of close attention, whereas my husband thrives on social interaction and if he’s home he takes a lot of calls. If he doesn’t talk to anyone for an hour, he either interrupts me or has long and involved conversations with the dog.

From the New Year, I’ve already decided that I’m going to go in to the office another day per week!

itsthetea · 19/12/2025 12:46

You don’t need to explain - you already have

am working, I need to concentrate and since you won’t shut up then you can leave … edit your choice for good or until 5pm

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/12/2025 12:45

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

Show quote history

But you’ve told him it’s not free time. You’ve been explicit about this. If he’s not accepting that, then he’s being a disrespectful dick.

CurbsideProphet · 19/12/2025 12:45

If he's between jobs he could do with leaving you to do yours, to make sure the bills can be paid.

I'm sorry but I couldn't have that kind of behaviour, especially not in my own home that I pay for.

InterestedDad37 · 19/12/2025 12:45

Well, I get that he has no experience of this type of work, and if it doesn't look like work to him, perhaps he thinks it isn't proper work. But not to be able to understand when someone explains to him, then he's either very thick, or doesn't really care 🤷

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