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Original poster

Explain that working from home is WORKING

441 replies

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:28

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

OP posts:
shhblackbag · 19/12/2025 13:19

just needed it to be spelt out to me in a clearer way that I couldn’t interrupt his work.

Why wasn't that a given?

Notgonnalieaboutthis · 19/12/2025 13:19

Doesn’t matter how amazing he is in all other respects OP, his stupidity cancels everything else out. Yes including a big gold cock and huge amounts of dough in the bank.

Wishimaywishimight · 19/12/2025 13:18

I would be genuinely be worried about an adult who cannot comprehend that there are different types of 'work' to their own. Is he otherwise reasonably bright?

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 13:18

Hankunamatata · 19/12/2025 13:14

Do you have a seperate room to work in?

First paragraph in OP.

"I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office."

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:18

Maiyakat · 19/12/2025 12:57

Can you explain it to him in relation to his job, e.g. him interrupting you is like him being called from the roof of a house, having to come down the scaffolding, looking at a silly video for 10 seconds and then having to climb all the way back up again, cos that's what your brain is having to do.

This is actually a really good idea. He worked as a lorry driver, so I'm sure I could come up with a similar analogy. Something like asking him to take a one-hour detour on the road just to watch a ten-second video.

OP posts:
Fimofriend · 19/12/2025 13:17

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:10

I tried to explain it in a way that would make sense, without getting into anything confidential. I said something like:

Today I'm working with this large set of data that's very dirty but valuable. I use algorithms to clean it, then I have to look carefully at what comes out, adjust how I'm doing it if the results aren't quite right, and sometimes try a few different approaches. A couple of junior colleagues then check the output manually to catch anything the computer might miss, while I document and version-control everything properly so other people can understand and repeat the work if needed.

Once that's done, I feed the cleaned data into a much larger process, which gives me results to interpret. Depending on what those results look like, I might need to change some settings and run it again. That's why I often can't say exactly how long something will take or when I'll be free. Sometimes it’s fairly quick, sometimes it takes most of the day.

His reaction wasn't meant to be dismissive. From his point of view, it still looked like I was just pressing a few buttons, and what do I even do the rest of the time.

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"just pressing a few buttons"? I am going to agree with the rest. He is either extremely stupid or he doesn't respect you at all.

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 13:16

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:11

Oh I am way past child bearing age. He's amazing in pretty much every other aspect.

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He'd have to have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money for me to consider this man anything remotely like 'pretty amazing'.

Do NOT change your work role because of his 'hurt feelings' and his lack of intelligence when it comes to the simple concept of working in your home office.

Cliffordthebigreddog · 19/12/2025 13:16

I totally get what you mean OP - my DH works from home and I used to drive him crazy with just chatting to him from the kitchen while he was working in the dining room (just moved house so no office set up yet) I would see him sat there at his laptop and just think I could ask him things / chat while he was working - but he couldn’t concentrate and it drove him crazy.

Our solution was that DH made a “do not disturb” sign - when the sign is up (and the door closed) I don’t interrupt. If the sign isn’t up it means he’s doing something that I can interrupt. We both understand it, neither of us are offended or upset by it.

i don’t agree with other posters that say your partner is controlling - I certainly didn’t interrupt my DH for that reason - I just needed it to be spelt out to me in a clearer way that I couldn’t interrupt his work.

Friemik · 19/12/2025 13:16

Put a lock on the door, sign on it “I’m at work” and get some noise cancelling headphones and just ignore him. He’s being selfish wanting your time because he’s bored, even if he doesn’t understand the ins and outs of your job he knows that work, whatever format or location it is, isn’t something partners can just hang around in.

Hankunamatata · 19/12/2025 13:16

Noise cancelling headphones. When your wearing them tell him you cannot be disturbed.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 19/12/2025 13:15

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:11

Oh I am way past child bearing age. He's amazing in pretty much every other aspect.

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god from your description, his cock would need to be made of gold!

come on OP you're clearly very smart! He isn't listening to what you're telling him, not because he doesn't understand, but because he doesn't want too.

HisNibs · 19/12/2025 13:15

In short he needs to grow up and stop expecting you to entertain him.

Hankunamatata · 19/12/2025 13:14

Do you have a seperate room to work in?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 19/12/2025 13:14

Get a lock on the door and tell him you are unavailable when the door is locked.

I have friends who WFH and during the day they don’t see one another unless they are both in the kitchen at lunchtime.

HisNibs · 19/12/2025 13:14

It doesn't matter whether or not he understands your work. He needs to accept that during your working hours, you are not available (except perhaps in a real emergency of course). I would be inclined to tell him that his interruptions are unnecessary and disrespectful and they either stop or he moves back out.

user65342 · 19/12/2025 13:12

Ask him if he would consider it acceptable to call you at the office several times an hour if you went into an office to do your job. If he knows it wouldn’t be he is capable of understanding that you are paid to achieve the same work at home. If he thinks it would be then headphones and a lock on the door is probably enough to get your point across. Even if I wasn’t working the constant need for attention would drive me insane though.

shhblackbag · 19/12/2025 13:12

ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/12/2025 12:45

But you’ve told him it’s not free time. You’ve been explicit about this. If he’s not accepting that, then he’s being a disrespectful dick.

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And dim. Tell him It's paying the bills and to leave you the fuck alone.

You've let this man move into your home and he's causing such a problem that you're now having to consider switching to a different role? Catch yourself on.

Honestly this.

Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:11

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 12:57

You've let this man move into your home and he's causing such a problem that you're now having to consider switching to a different role?

Catch yourself on.

And don't ever have kids with him if he's not grown up enough to not take 'even small rejections quite personally'.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh I am way past child bearing age. He's amazing in pretty much every other aspect.

OP posts:
Original poster
wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:10

Biscuitburglar · 19/12/2025 12:46

Could you sit him in your chair at the desk and ask for his attention for a full hour and talk him through exactly what you are currently working on, why and how? Show him your calendar, today’s emails and what you need to achieve in detail in the next week and more broadly in the next month? And see if that helps?

I’m in a similar position in that I work from home in a very data heavy role that needs a lot of close attention, whereas my husband thrives on social interaction and if he’s home he takes a lot of calls. If he doesn’t talk to anyone for an hour, he either interrupts me or has long and involved conversations with the dog.

From the New Year, I’ve already decided that I’m going to go in to the office another day per week!

I tried to explain it in a way that would make sense, without getting into anything confidential. I said something like:

Today I'm working with this large set of data that's very dirty but valuable. I use algorithms to clean it, then I have to look carefully at what comes out, adjust how I'm doing it if the results aren't quite right, and sometimes try a few different approaches. A couple of junior colleagues then check the output manually to catch anything the computer might miss, while I document and version-control everything properly so other people can understand and repeat the work if needed.

Once that's done, I feed the cleaned data into a much larger process, which gives me results to interpret. Depending on what those results look like, I might need to change some settings and run it again. That's why I often can't say exactly how long something will take or when I'll be free. Sometimes it’s fairly quick, sometimes it takes most of the day.

His reaction wasn't meant to be dismissive. From his point of view, it still looked like I was just pressing a few buttons, and what do I even do the rest of the time.

OP posts:
CitizenofMoronia · 19/12/2025 13:09

sign on the door with office hours, these are the hours I'm PAID to work, regardless of if I am sitting here doing in your opinion nothing, Im being paid to be available for work, if it were me the moment he interupted me while on a work call hed have been packing his bags, he KNOWS what hes doing he doesnt thing your work is important enough - he doesnt respect you.

Notgonnalieaboutthis · 19/12/2025 13:08

You’re obviously quite a smart person so I have to ask why you’re with such a thicko. Does his lack of respect for your professional life not give you the instant ick?

YouMightLikeCats · 19/12/2025 13:07

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet

My children think this - when I'm listening to someone on the phone, because I'm not actually talking, they'll try and whisper something to me!

They are in primary school though so I'm a bit worried that your DP hasn't worked this out yet.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 19/12/2025 13:04

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

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That must be frustrating. If he has only recently moved in - are you actually having doubts about whether this living together situation is actually working? I work at home at times, but also I like my own space/quiet time - and I would find having someone around 24x7, even if they weren't chatting to me - challenging. Hence the question.

sloth75 · 19/12/2025 13:03

Dp made a comment a few months ago that I didn't know what real work was as I sat talking to a screen all day. Didn't matter that I had 25 people in front of me I was lecturing. He apologised about 5 minutes after sending it though (he was lucky he did as I was about to go batshit on him).

Those who didn't sit at a screen all day, genuinely believe we do nothing. They don't see the head work that goes into it. I can often be online at 5am if there is something I want to get done in peace. I've moved house in a day and been less tired than what I am some days staring at a screen all day.

GlasgowGal2014 · 19/12/2025 13:03

I kind of get it because my brother has a manual job and his wife is a teacher and they just don't get how intense working from home can be. My work is full on from the moment I log on until I clock off, regardless of whether I'm in the office or at home. My brother in particular is constantly suggesting meeting up for a coffee or lunch during my working day or asking me if I can help him out with chores, and seems confused when I have to say no. To him working from home means not working. I think you probably have to sit down and explain this to your partner and tell him you're available to chat at certain times (when you stop for lunch or a coffee) but the rest of the time you need peace to concentrate.