Page 13 | Explain that working from home is WORKING

wfhorwtf · 2025-12-19T12:28:49+00:00

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office. My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age. This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together. We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work. How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

coffeepower · 19/12/2025 14:05

Even my 5yo could grasp "When Mummy is in her office, I can't come in" 🙄

He needs to pack it in. If needs be, get some noise cancelling headphones and ignore him when you are working until he gets the message.

KittyFinlay · 19/12/2025 14:05

dottiedodah · 19/12/2025 13:43

I think he is being a dick and maybe not compatible .Some men seem to think the little woman is doing some P/T work and it's not important! I think men in manual trades while skilled .struggle with "working from home " like it's a giant hobby or something!

I had a man come to lay a carpet a while back and at the time I was doing some boring, repetitive work and had Netflix on in the background keeping me company whilst I trawled through it. The man asked me derisively what I was doing and I said I was working and he said, "It looks like you're watching Netflix to me."

I could have told him that it looked to me like he was watching me instead of doing his job, but in the interests of being polite I did not. He then had the cheek to try to insist on me paying cash which I refused- if his job is so important and harder than mine he can pay tax. The carpet company went bust a few months later. I'm not surprised if their staff went around being so rude to paying customers.

I wonder if OP's boyfriend is the same person.

TidyCyan · 19/12/2025 14:03

The trouble is, if he isn't thick he is ignoring you!

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 14:02

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2025 13:53

Do you want to carry on living with him Op?

Of course!

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Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 14:02

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 13:51

In your entire relationship you've never said no to sex?

How long have you been together and when did he move in?

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We've been together for th ebest part of a decade, and moved in in early November.

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ScreamingInfidelities · 19/12/2025 14:00

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

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Is he a bit thick?

thepariscrimefiles · 19/12/2025 14:00

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

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Tell him that you aren't ever available unless you have come out of your office.

How can he not understand what you are saying? He sounds like a child. My six year old grandaughter listens at the door and if she can't hear that her dad is on a call, she tries to go into his home office and I have to tell her that daddy is still working.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 19/12/2025 13:59

I’d tweak the analogy of the roofer- having to refuel every 30 miles perhaps or getting stuck behind a tractor- and add in that this is, unfortunately an absolute hard boundary. He must not interrupt you in your room, as it will interfere with you hitting your targets and potentially cause you to lose your job.

Similar analogy, you insisting he join you in a glass of wine at lunch when he’s driving that afternoon.

It’s one thing to find it hard to ‘get’ the issue. It’s another to think that because he doesn’t ‘get’ it, it doesn’t matter. That’s the issue.

It’s massively disrespectful to assume you are just making a fuss.

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:59

LadyLapsang · 19/12/2025 13:45

I think part of it is it is unlikely he will have grown up with a mother doing what was perceived as a serious role and if she did, it would not have been WFH. Also, the gender pay gap is bad in his line of work so attitudes to women can be some way behind. His age won’t help, neither will the fact some people pop out here are there during the working day. I’m not sure I have an answer. DH doesn’t disturb me while I am working. He used to annoy me by asking me if I was going to work, to which my reply was yes, I’m going to work but I’m not going into the office today.

His mum indeed was a SAHM, as was his ex-wife, and in his other long term relationships he was very much always the main breadwinner. That said, he's never had a slightest issue with women working. If anything, he's the opposite, been quite proudly telling his friends that I earn more than he does.

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ShyMaryEllen · 19/12/2025 13:58

I think a lot of people who haven't or don't wfh have strange ideas about it. I worked from home a lot, and my mum, the nanny and various others seemed to think I could 'just' do things for them. The nanny would routinely arrive late on wfh days as I was there, despite being told that I needed to start at my usual time, and preferred to log on earlier as I had no commute so I could finish earlier and spend time with the children. This was in the 90s, so fewer people wfh than do now, though. My mum would ring for a chat, as she knew my husband was at work, so wouldn't disturb him. Disturbing me wasn't a consideration. I was often asked to wait in for deliveries by friends. Occasionally I didn't mind, as I could take my laptop, but I wasn't offering a service.

Also, a lot of people struggle to understand that not everyone thinks as they do, or that brains are wired in different ways. In your shoes I would spell out to him that however his mind works, you need to have uninterrupted time to do what you're doing. If he interrupts, start again, and keep telling him until it sinks in.

Epidote · 19/12/2025 13:58

SpaceRaccoon · 19/12/2025 12:41

Honestly he sounds dim and attention-seeking.

Yes, he is an attention seeker.

Minjou · 19/12/2025 13:58

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

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He sounds like a moron, frankly.

Beachtastic · 19/12/2025 13:58

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:24

He isn't stupid at all. What's probably been eye-opening for me is realising that I can't even explain what I do properly unless the other person already works in a similar field. From the outside, it genuinely does look like pressing a few buttons and staring at colourful graphs. And saying "and then I spend two hours reading papers and thinking about which button to press next" doesn't exactly help make it sound any less idiotic.

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I'm a bit worried for you OP, however "lovely" he is in other ways. He is attention-seeking without showing any respect for something extremely important to you. He doesn't NEED to understand what you're doing. You've told him you are working and don't want to be interrupted because it disturbs your much-needed concentration. That should be enough. More than enough. You shouldn't even have to say it twice, much less deal with him feeling all hurt/rejected. And now you're worried that what you're doing looks/sounds "idiotic"? No, no, this is all very wrong.

Sarah2891 · 19/12/2025 13:57

You shouldn't have to explain anything. Unless he has the IQ of a toddler he should get it.

TheTaupeScroller · 19/12/2025 13:55

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:24

He isn't stupid at all. What's probably been eye-opening for me is realising that I can't even explain what I do properly unless the other person already works in a similar field. From the outside, it genuinely does look like pressing a few buttons and staring at colourful graphs. And saying "and then I spend two hours reading papers and thinking about which button to press next" doesn't exactly help make it sound any less idiotic.

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You sound too kind and too patient.

I don't work in your field AT ALL, but I can grasp that you need to concentrate and stay in your train of thoughts. It's not just your job, many others need to concentrate, and disruption ruins their work.

You had good advice, but I would also ask him to respect you and frankly to trust you: you are not on social media (well.. 😂) but when you tell him you NEED 6 or 8 hours without interruption, you NEED to work, you are genuine. If he cares, he will believe you and respect you. You are not his ex.

If he's bored, he needs to take himself outside or entertain himself, but you are not there. Why is it up to him to make all the effort to explain etc, and not up to him to make the effort to understand and accept it?

shhblackbag · 19/12/2025 13:55

AndrewPreview · 19/12/2025 13:48

So he's recently moved in, he's currently 'between jobs' but will most likely end up retiring, and seems to want to be entertained throughout your working day.

I think he may be hoping you're a 'nurse with a purse'.

You really should consider if you want this to be your life.

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2025 13:54

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:24

He isn't stupid at all. What's probably been eye-opening for me is realising that I can't even explain what I do properly unless the other person already works in a similar field. From the outside, it genuinely does look like pressing a few buttons and staring at colourful graphs. And saying "and then I spend two hours reading papers and thinking about which button to press next" doesn't exactly help make it sound any less idiotic.

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It doesn’t matter! You don’t have to justify it.

honestly, dogs learn faster

LadyDanburysHat · 19/12/2025 13:54

Tell him that when you are at your desk he needs to act like you are not at home. You are at an office and not contactable. You are only free at lunchtime. Shut the office door and tell him not to come in. If he can't listen then I would be getting angry.

pinkyredrose · 19/12/2025 13:53

Do you want to carry on living with him Op?

MannersAreAll · 19/12/2025 13:52

He doesn't have to understand what you do.

I don't get my DH's job. It's baffling to me.

However, when he works from home he needs to be left alone during his work time. That's not a difficult concept - even the 3yo understands it.

The issue isn't your job at all. It's his refusal to accept you telling him that you shouldn't be disturbed when you're working.

Takes small rejections quite personally

that he takes you needing to work, in peace, during your working hours as a rejection is a worrying and controlling manner.

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 13:51

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:48

I never say no to him for sex lol, I'm the one with much much higher libido.

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In your entire relationship you've never said no to sex?

How long have you been together and when did he move in?

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 13:50

EarthSight · 19/12/2025 13:46

From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work

Oh OP. This says so much about him. There disrespect here that I think you're in danger of overlooking or making excuses for.

I know that some of this might be to do with him working in the trades and bad experience with his ex girlfriend.....but don't let those things blind you to the fact that this could simply be plain, old fashioned sexism -

Anything a man does is Very Important Work.
Mr Man did it, so it's valid.

Anything a woman does is trivial, easy or and not really work.

I have to wonder exactly how much his ex had a problem with social media use.

Edited

This is a good point actually.

If he moved into a house share with a male friend who WFH, I wonder if he'd have the same apparent lack of 'understanding' about the man's job?

Squirrelchops1 · 19/12/2025 13:50

My partner is only home one day when I'm WFH. He knows if the office door is shut, that is a do not disturb. Open and I can interact...my job involves changing tasks often so I have mental space to pick up and put down stuff if he has a quick question etc.

Original poster

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:48

KissMyArt · 19/12/2025 13:41

If he takes "even small rejections quite personally."

What's he like when you turn him down for sex?

Does he get upset/angry about that?

I suspect he probably does, but I also suspect you'll probably say he doesn't.

I never say no to him for sex lol, I'm the one with much much higher libido.

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BadgernTheGarden · 19/12/2025 13:48

Get him to look at what you are doing and ask him how he would tackle it? Show him the report you have just written, get him to read it and hopefully see this is not just trivial stuff. If he's always done manual work it can be difficult to comprehend that thinking, coding and writing are actual work. You could try comparing his work to spending enjoyable time at the gym or going for a walk in the park or a bit of gardening to try to explain the difference.