Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Explain that working from home is WORKING

441 replies

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:28

I work a desk based job where I'm on my laptop most of the day doing fairly intense analytical work. It's mostly quiet, maybe three or four short calls a day with colleagues, and everything else happens over email or teams. The rest of the time I need proper, uninterrupted concentration to write code, analyse data, read documents and produce updates and reports. I work from what used to be the box room, now repurposed as a home office.

My partner has recently moved in. He's worked manual trades all his life and has never really needed a computer, either for work or leisure. To the point where he doesn't even know how to type on a keyboard (non-phone one I mean). The problem is that he's currently between jobs, gets bored, and feels like I'm ignoring him. He'll call out to me several times an hour to ask my opinion on something, show me a funny video, or give me updates about some friends or political news. It’s all well-natured, but even a quick interruption completely breaks my concentration. Watching a 10 sec video can easily cost me 10 min of getting back into the zone. Maybe that's just how my brain works, or age.

This has been worse over the last few days because of Christmas prep on top of the usual household chores. To be clear, I do my share of the festive slog, though if I'm honest he probably does more. I just tend to do it in the evenings, which is also when he'd rather relax or do something fun together.

We had a heated conversation this morning, and it became clear that he genuinely doesn't understand that I'm actually WORKING. Not out of malice, he simply doesn't have a reference point for this kind of work. Compared me to one of his exes who was constantly scrolling social media on her phone and ignored him. From his perspective, I'm "doing nothing" all day and just staring at a screen, while he's busy with visible and tangible tasks. I'm trying to get everything wrapped up before a mandatory two week Christmas furlough at work.

How do I explain that just because my job doesn't look busy from the outside doesn't mean it isn't?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
mamajong · 30/12/2025 08:38

Yanbu i battle this too but with extended family saying 'if you are wfh on x day we will pop in for a coffee' they think wfh is in inverted commas and its not the same intensity as being in the office, but it is for me. Yanbu at all!

WhoamItoday11 · 30/12/2025 06:58

EleanorReally · 22/12/2025 09:53

i take it you didnt read her posts?

Show quote history

I read her posts but I'm not sure you did. He's the problem, not her. It's her house he's moved into and now he's interrupting her work. Why on earth should she go somewhere else to work? He needs to get a job and respect her work.

DressOrSkirt · 22/12/2025 13:20

Biscuitburglar · 19/12/2025 12:46

Could you sit him in your chair at the desk and ask for his attention for a full hour and talk him through exactly what you are currently working on, why and how? Show him your calendar, today’s emails and what you need to achieve in detail in the next week and more broadly in the next month? And see if that helps?

I’m in a similar position in that I work from home in a very data heavy role that needs a lot of close attention, whereas my husband thrives on social interaction and if he’s home he takes a lot of calls. If he doesn’t talk to anyone for an hour, he either interrupts me or has long and involved conversations with the dog.

From the New Year, I’ve already decided that I’m going to go in to the office another day per week!

This sounds like a take your child to work day.

He should not need to be shown OPs work and calendar, and just respect that she's working during these times and not to interrupt her.

daffodilandtulip · 22/12/2025 11:30

BernardButlersBra · 22/12/2025 11:15

🤣🤣🤣 surely they are joking?! I know l couldn’t hack it as a childminder! It’s tough work and a long day

Show quote history

Honestly. Multiple comments like this, some from the actual parents 💀

BernardButlersBra · 22/12/2025 11:15

daffodilandtulip · 22/12/2025 09:58

I'm a childminder. The constant "ah it must be nice just playing everyday" and "do you think you'll ever go back to work" make me absolutely furious.

🤣🤣🤣 surely they are joking?! I know l couldn’t hack it as a childminder! It’s tough work and a long day

daffodilandtulip · 22/12/2025 09:58

I'm a childminder. The constant "ah it must be nice just playing everyday" and "do you think you'll ever go back to work" make me absolutely furious.

EleanorReally · 22/12/2025 09:53

WhoamItoday11 · 22/12/2025 09:35

Why on earth should she? It's her house. If it's a problem for him that she's working from home, then he either needs to get a job or move out.

Show quote history

i take it you didnt read her posts?

WhoamItoday11 · 22/12/2025 09:35

EleanorReally · 21/12/2025 07:53

can you work somewhere not in the actual house op?

Why on earth should she? It's her house. If it's a problem for him that she's working from home, then he either needs to get a job or move out.

Sistedtwister · 21/12/2025 20:32

This used to be me, my DH is a HGV driver, and used to constantly interrupt me couldn't understand why I couldn't chat about his day when I had notes to review and cross reference.
Using a work scenario worked for me. He was complaining about a car that kept slowing down then speeding up in front of him making him late for his next drop and said how frustrating it was, I agreed that it was frustrating when people slowed you down and interrupted your progress then stared at him pointedly. It was like a light bulb went off in his head. He still does it sometimes without thinking but I just ignore him and he goes away.

WellOrganisedWoman · 21/12/2025 17:30

If you have been entertaining him whenever he interrupts your work then how is he supposed to know that it isn’t ok?

The defence he came up with when things got heated is just that, a defence of his actions when you suddenly changed the rules.

Lay out the terms - when I am at my desk I am not available. At all, zero communication. If I want a drink/food/comfort break I will come out.

The13thFairy · 21/12/2025 16:06

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 13:24

He isn't stupid at all. What's probably been eye-opening for me is realising that I can't even explain what I do properly unless the other person already works in a similar field. From the outside, it genuinely does look like pressing a few buttons and staring at colourful graphs. And saying "and then I spend two hours reading papers and thinking about which button to press next" doesn't exactly help make it sound any less idiotic.

Show quote history

But it doesn't matter if he doesn't understand. It doesn't matter. He just has to accept it and do as he's told. Might he, by any chance be one of those people who, if you ask them not to do something, they do it even more? There are many, many such people and sometimes they're cute.

The13thFairy · 21/12/2025 15:46

Lock the door. Then he won't be able to see if you are sitting 'just thinking.' Lock the door.

Pithypal · 21/12/2025 15:25

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:54

You'd laugh, but I genuinely thought about switching to a more office-based role in the new year for exactly this reason. And yes, my DP sounds very similar too in that he really needs social interaction and tends to take even small rejections quite personally.

Show quote history

It sounds as if you have a massive child living in your home now. Is this really what you want?

Tryingatleast · 21/12/2025 13:21

I think people just assume you have a few free minutes- I don’t know how ye will both figure it out but I know it’s a thing I hear about all the time! When I’m home it’s hard not to pop in but I don’t as I’ve had that lecture 😅

Dancingintherain09 · 21/12/2025 10:53

I definitely think having a sign on door( working! do not disturb) , and noise cancelling headphones for when you aren't available.
And a Frank conversation around boundaries.

Fidgety31 · 21/12/2025 10:42

My ex did a manual job and told me that my WFH full time nhs job was not proper work .
he had no respect for my work and often berated WFH.
I think it was a combination of jealousy and him being a bit thick .

Laurmolonlabe · 21/12/2025 10:30

Post working hours on the door/ by your computer and not available for comment during these hours.
To be honest it's a bit of a red flag , his not being able to appreciate other kinds of work- what does he think you get paid for?

Katie0909 · 21/12/2025 10:16

When he's back in work, keep calling him so he has to stop what he's doing all the time. He will soon learn how annoying it is to be interrupted continually!

Sadworld23 · 21/12/2025 09:50

wfhorwtf · 19/12/2025 12:37

No, not at all. He isn't controlling in the slightest, it’s just a difference in how we understand work. We've talked about it before, and on a rational level he does understand that I'm working during my contracted hours. The issue is that, to him, if I'm not on a call or visibly doing something like reading printed notes or writing things down, it feels as though I'm available.

So he'll come in while I'm, say, listening in on a call or thinking something through when reading reports, and from his point of view I'm "not doing anything" because I'm quiet. That's really the gap, as a lot of my work happens in my head, and because it's invisible, it reads as free time to him.

Show quote history

I understand this BC my DH has been the same in recent months since stopping work for health reasons.

It's annoying at best and frustrating BC I need to concentrate in my work and the stress is already making it difficult enough.

I do stop naturally every hour or so for a few minutes and make a drink, turn the wash off etc and try to interact then but it's not enough for him.
He's a professional who used to demand to be left alone when he was in the office..

hifriend · 21/12/2025 08:15

wfhorwtf · 20/12/2025 10:30

Come on. You don't throw away a long-term partner just because, for a while, they're a bit of a financial inconvenience and need some help (mental much more than financial in this case). You wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that.

Show quote history

I just want to say I think you sound like a really lovely partner, OP, and I don't think this is a simple 'set better boundaries' issue like other posters are making out. I think him feeling a bit lost is a big part of this as others have said.

My partner and I both WFH and have a decent understanding of what each other's jobs entail and he still interrupts me quite a bit even though he knows it frustrates me. He's just a lot more social than me and does have a job where sometimes you just click a button and walk away for a bit (software developer) whereas I am more like you in that I work with data. My partner can recognise when I really want him to leave me alone though without me telling him (I struggle to be direct because I feel guilty and I think in the circumstances you're doing well to be honest with yours!) He is also much better now that his role is more demanding and happier for it.

I haven't read the full thread so maybe other's have suggested this, but something I'd like to be able to do is have set points where I step away and have a 10-15 minute coffee break with him where we both get to properly connect without feeling interrupted, would that work? I haven't managed it because I have ADHD so once I'm in flow I find it really hard to stop at a set time and then before I know it, it's the end of the day. Also we do normally try to spend lunch together and coordinate when we could do that and my partner is helpful in that he tends to go out and get it/make it while I walk the dog, could having that arrangement help as then he gets to feel useful?

Runlikesomeoneleftgateopen · 21/12/2025 08:01

More fool you for moving him in, now your his full time entertainer.

Barney16 · 21/12/2025 07:55

I work at home a lot. If the office door is shut it means don't come in, it seems to work for us. If I had to keep explaining what I was doing I would never get through what I was supposed to be doing.

EleanorReally · 21/12/2025 07:53

can you work somewhere not in the actual house op?

queensonia · 21/12/2025 07:45

I have a manual job for him. Get him to put a lock on your office door and don’t give him a key

MinnieMountain · 21/12/2025 07:10

I'm being nosy OP- what exactly do you do?