DD hasn’t changed one bit

@Lavender14 while you were typing the OP said her daughter is 12.

Having no experience of abandonment from a father myself, I have no idea if some relationship is better than no relationship

Unfortunately I have considerable experience of abandonment from a father who was violent, abusive and who it took me until my forties not to be frightened of anymore. No relationship at all is better than what he’s offering, I promise you. With the benefit of hindsight I really could have done with some counselling as a child. I grew up making some absolutely horrendous decisions, so I would really recommend that if you can do that for your DD.

He is a prize tosser. Your poor daughter. You can only guide her and hope she will see him for what he is one day.

This is so hard to watch op. I think what I would do is be honest with your dd about why you and your dad broke up - that he treated you badly and did the same things to you which were hurtful and you left because you knew you deserved to be treated better than that. I'd tell her that she is special and important and that she's a wonderful person and that being in her life is a privilege so people in her life should be treating her with respect and that's how she should work who deserves to be there or not. I'd tell her that when someone treats you badly you don't beg forgiveness, you take some time and think about how they've treated you and how they've made you feel. I'd explain that some people in our lives are radiators and they bring warmth and positivity and they make us feel safe and comfortable around them, and some people are vacuums and they drain us, suck away our positivity and make us feel worried or unsafe. And we should always try to surround ourselves with radiators. Then let her make up her mind. Does she go to a youth club or have a youth worker op? Or is she old enough to be at school? If so I'd speak to her youth worker or whoever is head of pastoral care at school and explain what's happening and ask for support around healthy relationships programmes to be delivered to her class and make sure she attends. What she's experiencing is domestic abuse from a parent and actually he's also continuing to abuse you by weaponising her in this way. The more informed your dd is the better able she will be to make safe choices around him and other people in future. Girls who experience this are much more likely unfortunately to go on into abusive relationships in future so its important that you intervene here and get support so it's coming from different sources to help her process it. Lots of womens aid's can offer free youth programmes tailored to age so no reason why a school couldn't have them in if that's available in your area.

The only reason I'm not telling you to tell her to block and delete him (even though he's an abusive bully) is because he also seems the type to accuse you of parental alienation depending on your dds age. Usually young people are deemed able to make their own decisions around contact by about 14 or so. So it's hard to advise that without knowing how old your dd is.

I didn’t.

Well unless someone does something she will probably go on to have the same relationship and continue the cycle, this is the father she is stuck with now for the rest of her life and yes this is harsh

OP you have some more healing to do that you are even asking this question. I really hope you get there.
Tell her to block him. He is not worth her.
Edited to add. Well done for breaking free. You and your DD owe him nothing.

Hugs in solidarity, OP - my ex is much the same and it’s awful 😞 🤗

Wow. No of course she shouldn’t have anything to do with this vile, abusive bully ever again. Please get her to do the freedom programme as others have mentioned. She is following the exact same pattern you did with him.

She does not need this vile piece of crap in her life and you need to give her the courage to realise it is in her own best interests to cut him off for good.

My dh would never, ever speak to either of our dd’s like that. I’m raging on your behalf ❤️

I absolutely agree with everything you've said except the "why are you asking" bit. I think that one of the awful things that abusers do to their victims is leave them genuinely not knowing when it's ok to stand up for themselves because an abuser will always paint that as aggressive or unhinged. So you doubt your own reactions and instincts and then when you're away from them you need an external steer sometimes.

There's no need for her to apologise to a bully. The nerve of him to say, "i dont know who you think you are?". I'd laugh in his face. What an entitled arsehole. Get rid of him.

No - I'm really not, i'm not trying to shame the OP, i'm saying kids first, because if her mum won't stand up for her no-one will and i'm asking the OP to be strong, brave and to put her daughter first.

Get her a therapist who she likes and who she chooses.

Dont let her apologise, what advise would.ahe gice a friend....etc.
I'd be inclined to go round and slash his tires intervene tbh.

Ideally NC and Id be concerned about the type of man she'd date....

I would urge her never to speak to the cunt again. If she accepts this from her father she may go on to end up in relationships with similar men. He doesn't deserve a daughter and she deserves peace and safety.

@ThatCalmFinch I mean seriously there's nothing helpful about shaming other women for asking for advice.

You're just kicking someone who's down and pretending it's feminism.

Or she needs to stop minimising abuse, stop taking the path of least resistance and stand up and protect her daughter.

Don't train her to accept emotional abuse or she's going to end up stuck in the same situation you were one day. She shouldn't apologise, your gut response of HELL NO is the right one.

You've already done so much in breaking the cycle because look how brave she was, expressing her feelings so clearly. Help her keep her courage and understand that she doesn't have to accept this kind of thing from anyone, even her sperm donor.

This. And counselling so that she understands why she shouldn’t accept this behaviour from anyone, regardless of who they are.

Oh I don't know, maybe because she lived with an emotional abuser for years who gaslit and bullied her so needs a bit of reassurance and support from other women when she's trying to help her daughter to cope with the same abuser?

This.

She was quite brave & mature trying to tell him how she feels & his response is not to listen & comfort her or seek to make the relationship better, but to double down on emotionally manipulating her & making her feel bad.

Urgh. She's done nothing wrong. It's his loss for sure, not hers.

Poor kiddo. Any chance she could go& speak to someone neutral about her relationship with her dad & how to navigate this shit (and be told by someone other than you that it's not her fault?)

She should go back to NC. Why did he get back in touch ?

Why are you even asking this? protect your daughter from the abusive arsehole and teach her self worth.