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Original poster

DH being awful when I’m not well?

145 replies

umumum · 18/12/2025 17:47

I’ve been diagnosed with flu. It’s knocked me out. I’ve been in bed for 4 days, throwing up, temp at 39, the worst chesty cough, insomnia, aching, unable to move. I dragged myself to the doctors because I genuinely thought I was dying.

DH had a cough last week and a temp. He’s been able to go to work, gym and eat normally. I did help him last week when he wasn’t well, getting him cough syrup and making his dinners.

This week obviously I’m no good to him. Yesterday he told me I needed to try and eat so he made me toast. I threw it up in a bowl by our bed. He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

Today he’s said I’m a “hypochondriac”, and that I “like” being unwell? He also said I’m weak because he had the same illness and was able to keep on working and with his life.

This morning I’ve been eating dry plain crackers and my stomach is rumbling. I asked him if we had any rice in. He said “why do you need rice? You’ve been eating all day?”. Then he said because I’ve not been doing anything today I shouldn’t need to eat.

He keeps saying my name with exasperation and then saying “you need more energy, you just need to focus on something else apart from being unwell”. I find it hard to do anything, but he’s said I need to read a book, wrap presents or go for a walk.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well, but all of this today made me cry.

now he’s flounced off to the shop and is saying I need to drink a coffee to perk myself up.

aibu to think this is a typical male response to a woman’s illness??? Feel like because I can’t run around after him I’m a burden

OP posts:
GooseberryGreen · 18/12/2025 19:15

One of my criteria for mate selection is how they behave when you are ill. (The other one is how they get on with their mother - they have to like /love their mother and it doesn't matter whether you like her or not. But he must be prepared to put you first.) You don't mention children. I wouldn't have them with him and I'd leave. Mr GooseberryGreen passed the test with flying colours which is one of the reasons why we've been married for over 30 years.

gamerchick · 18/12/2025 19:12

It's not typical. It's common in men who aren't long term though. Men who show their true colours like when their wives are ill are showing them what will happen if they get a serious illness like cancer.

I'd be telling him you'll be having a think about your relationship because it seems he's shown his true colours about being relied on when the chips are down.

Some men just can't stand it when their appliance breaks down.

I'm sorry OP, feel better soon and next time he's ill. Tell him to fuck off and do it quietly.

Scarydinosaurs · 18/12/2025 19:09

This is outrageous. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Dont even try and address it properly now. Ignore him and focus on you and getting better. Once you’re well, confide in someone you trust and address it properly. I don’t think you can stay with someone like this - he will be awful to you if you were ever pregnant or had a life limiting illness.

Topseyt123 · 18/12/2025 19:03

You are married to a totally self-absorbed wanker and should consider whether or not you want to continue with the relationship.

BiddyPopthe2nd · 18/12/2025 18:57

I have a DH who means well but is relatively clueless when it comes to nursing unwell people. He’ll make a weird dinner, but he will bring a cup of tea when I’m asleep…but he will refill hot water bottles and cold drinking water bottles. Will take a sick bowl that’s been used and wash it out (but plonk a soaking wet bowl back on the carpet where you’ll fall over it and where the wet will make a stain). And then leave you alone for hours on end. So means well, just clueless.

Your DH, OP, doesn’t sound to be in the same “means well but clueless” category, more in the “cannot be arsed” category. Sorry.

TreesinthePark · 18/12/2025 18:55

This isn't normal behaviour from a partner, OP. I've had the flu too and seen more of my on/off boyfriend this week than I have in months (don't live together). He's been really kind, listened to my moaning, brought me food etc

I felt a bit better last night so he's back at his enjoying his own space. I'd do the same for him, we're not 100% committed or married but care about each other and make the effort.

2old4thispoo · 18/12/2025 18:55

He's showed you how hes going to treat you,if and when your health deteriorates

grumpygrape · 18/12/2025 18:52

umumum · 18/12/2025 18:22

I’m just so upset that he’s making out I’m exaggerating or liking being unwell. He’s seen me throw up, he’s heard my cough, he’s took my temperature… i can’t fake those things.

I also asked him to get me some medication yesterday in liquid form as I can’t swallow the tablets. He brought back the tablets.

I don’t want much, even if he just left me alone and stopped trying to make me do stuff. He’s said I “must” get a shower tonight

Does your soon to be Ex still have his ‘wedding tackle’ intact ? I’d find just enough energy to remove it for him….

Pearlstillsinging · 18/12/2025 18:50

Well he's really showing you who he is, isn't he?
I hope you make a speedy recovery and realise that you will be better off without this narcissist.

ilovelamp82 · 18/12/2025 18:50

If you can't rely on the person who says that they love you to look after you when you're unwell, or at the very least have sympathy, then what is the actual point of the relationship. He's one of those ones who would leave if you found out you had cancer. This is not a good man.

Tell him straight. You are unwell. The qualified doctor has diagnosed you with the flu, so keep your ridiculous demand to yourself and either help you or leave you alone. Then when you're better, get out of there. Urgh.

I'm sorry you're unwell and hope you feel better soon.

ShearBoredom · 18/12/2025 18:46

He is not even ‘just’ being neglectful. He’s being downright cruel and mean. My husband can’t do enough for me when I’m unwell. This is really shocking behaviour and I’m sending you hugs. It sounds like he’s actually making you worse. Just awful.

TalulahJP · 18/12/2025 18:44

he’s trying to gaslight your illness and bully you back to doing housework.

The poor man what will he do now his fuckmate2000 appliance is broken, his life is so hard, he may have to do shopping, poor him. no wonder he wants you to shower.

prick.

id honestly consider dumping him off the back of this. hes not a nice person. hes a selfish user.

hope you feel better soon op. that bug sounds horrible

GreggWallacesTrousers · 18/12/2025 18:43

My ex did this. He was diagnosed with ASD and a personality disorder recently.

ScupperedbytheSea · 18/12/2025 18:42

umumum · 18/12/2025 18:22

I’m just so upset that he’s making out I’m exaggerating or liking being unwell. He’s seen me throw up, he’s heard my cough, he’s took my temperature… i can’t fake those things.

I also asked him to get me some medication yesterday in liquid form as I can’t swallow the tablets. He brought back the tablets.

I don’t want much, even if he just left me alone and stopped trying to make me do stuff. He’s said I “must” get a shower tonight

He's abusing you when you're vulnerable. He sounds truly awful.

Does he act like this at other times?

AuntieLemonade · 18/12/2025 18:41

umumum · 18/12/2025 18:22

I’m just so upset that he’s making out I’m exaggerating or liking being unwell. He’s seen me throw up, he’s heard my cough, he’s took my temperature… i can’t fake those things.

I also asked him to get me some medication yesterday in liquid form as I can’t swallow the tablets. He brought back the tablets.

I don’t want much, even if he just left me alone and stopped trying to make me do stuff. He’s said I “must” get a shower tonight

The fact that you have just given extra info to “justify” to strangers that you are actually unwell when no one on here questioned it and instead totally took you at your word and trusted you to know yourself well enough to assert this demonstrates that you are in a dynamic with someone who makes you question your own mind, dismisses your knowledge of yourself and convinces you that you need to prove a “truth” and who will still go on to tell you that you are wrong. Classic gaslighting from a narcissistic psychopath. Please take this as your cue to get better and get out of there pronto 💪

MrsLizzieDarcy · 18/12/2025 18:41

He sounds poisonous OP. The moment you're no use to him, he turns on you.
Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Because that doesn't sound like he even likes you, let alone loves you. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

BellissimoGecko · 18/12/2025 18:41

BMW6 · 18/12/2025 18:29

He's a thoroughly poisonous CUNT OP.

Can a family member or friend come and get you away to their house for a few days to be properly looked after?

Please rethink your situation when you are well again.

This.

LillyLeaf · 18/12/2025 18:40

What an absolute horrible, horrible man. That's disgusting behaviour. Sounds like the relationship has come to an end. He clearly doesn't care for you.

chickenfucker · 18/12/2025 18:37

Where do these shit men come from and how do they hide their true colours so that people actually marry them.

Eyeshadow · 18/12/2025 18:37

Lordofthewing · 18/12/2025 18:32

I’m sorry OP, sending love and hoping you recover soon.

The last two days I have been Struggling with stomach cramps, heavy cold/shivering and the other joys that have come with it. Not a single offer of making me or the kids a meal, not that he can cook but a simple butter toast for me /a simple pasta for kids would have been appreciated.
I have managed to make the kids a meal in between being doubled over with cramps and have retreated back to the sofa.
I have diabetes as well and although I am not on medication, some days I feel quite tired with it and there is never any concern shown, just a cheery “you’ll be fine”…. While I try to struggle on. The irony being that his mother is a diabetic and he has all the sympathy in the world for her, lots of understanding reassurances and the like.

Why are you doing this?

Go to bed and tell him to sort his own kids meals out and bring yours up to you.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/12/2025 18:36

His wife appliance is malfunctioning, how dare you op!

This is obviously not normal behaviour from a loved one but unsurprisingly and horribly common amongst arsehole men.
I would second asking if you can go to someone else's house for recovery or a separate room with a lock so he can at least leave you alone.
He knows that you are unwell btw he would just rather gaslight you and make you feel bad than look after you properly.

When you feel better you need to have a good long think about what kind of man you married and if you should put up with him any longer.

vanillalattes · 18/12/2025 18:36

OP, this is not normal - you do realise that, don't you?

Eyeshadow · 18/12/2025 18:35

OP my teen (who is pretty messy, lazy can be and self centred to a point) got the bus to the shop and bought me snacks and drinks and asked a friends mum to buy pain relief as she wasn’t old enough.

She’d leave food, cups of tea, the bin and toilet roll outside my bedroom door and just left me alone apart from a text every now and then.

I spent about 5 days in bed without even seeing her when I had Covid and she did all of these things without asking.

I know she’d do the same if I got flu or anything else.

The fact that your grown adult husband isn’t doing the same is shocking.

NutButterOnToast · 18/12/2025 18:35

He is awful. What an absolute turd of a man he is.

Defrostedmariahcarey · 18/12/2025 18:34

No it’s not a typical response
when I had Covid a few weeks back my dh had my kids bringing me drinks, checking on me every hour and he went out of his way to do extra, washing, cooking so I didn’t have to. I spent 16 hours in bed on the one day.
he sounds AWFUL and you’d be better off alone than with that piece of shit!