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Original poster

DH being awful when I’m not well?

145 replies

umumum · 18/12/2025 17:47

I’ve been diagnosed with flu. It’s knocked me out. I’ve been in bed for 4 days, throwing up, temp at 39, the worst chesty cough, insomnia, aching, unable to move. I dragged myself to the doctors because I genuinely thought I was dying.

DH had a cough last week and a temp. He’s been able to go to work, gym and eat normally. I did help him last week when he wasn’t well, getting him cough syrup and making his dinners.

This week obviously I’m no good to him. Yesterday he told me I needed to try and eat so he made me toast. I threw it up in a bowl by our bed. He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

Today he’s said I’m a “hypochondriac”, and that I “like” being unwell? He also said I’m weak because he had the same illness and was able to keep on working and with his life.

This morning I’ve been eating dry plain crackers and my stomach is rumbling. I asked him if we had any rice in. He said “why do you need rice? You’ve been eating all day?”. Then he said because I’ve not been doing anything today I shouldn’t need to eat.

He keeps saying my name with exasperation and then saying “you need more energy, you just need to focus on something else apart from being unwell”. I find it hard to do anything, but he’s said I need to read a book, wrap presents or go for a walk.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well, but all of this today made me cry.

now he’s flounced off to the shop and is saying I need to drink a coffee to perk myself up.

aibu to think this is a typical male response to a woman’s illness??? Feel like because I can’t run around after him I’m a burden

OP posts:
FancyCatSlave · 18/12/2025 20:49

YABU to think this is normal @umumum

I am divorced as of this week but still living with my ex until house sold. We are all ill and have been looking after each other with kindness. We aren’t normally much more than civil but have done each other favours this week eg with food and medicines because we aren’t arseholes.

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 18/12/2025 20:46

I am permanently disabled.

I was well, and then that period of wellness was over. Forever. It can happen in a minute; a bus could hit anyone in this thread tomorrow. And I think the chances are that most people in this thread know, in their hearts, exactly what would happen with their partners - whether they would be angry or understanding or embittered or leave. I thought I would be with my first DH forever and he was originally a very good and moral man, but my illness eventually broke all of that in him. To his credit, he made it a decade before deciding to check out. Unfortunately, I don’t get that option. And the reason I say that everyone on here knows what their DH or DW or partner would do, is because you know from how they treat you already when you’re ill.

My current (second) DH is my carer, and will eventually have to face being widowed before his time. And for the last month and a half, I have been “extra” sick. He’s had to do everything from getting me endless cups of tea (to try, sometimes unsuccessfully, to stay hydrated) to bathing me.

Your DH is showing you who he is. Please listen. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, not “oh, well yes, I suppose I love you, but only if you can run around after me like a good little woman.” Fuck him and the horse he rode in on, misogynistic prick.

So… what happens if you stop being “useful” to him permanently? I recommend not finding out.

Counseling might be an option before jumping to LTB.

Driftingawaynow · 18/12/2025 20:45

You deserve so much better op.

Downplayit · 18/12/2025 20:33

I'm a very stoic hardy soul who (touch wood) doesn't really get ill and if i do, tend to just carry on with life. I probably think a lot of the same things in my head when my partner is ill but I'd never say them. I might not be the most empathetic but I step up and deal with shit and wouldn't ever give him a hard time for it.

HappyMamma2023 · 18/12/2025 20:29

Sorry I may of read it wrong. I voted YABU to say this is typical for men. Your husband is being VERY YABU. Have you got children? He sounds pathetic. Take care OP xx

DeepRubySwan · 18/12/2025 20:25

He's a prick.

GentleSheep · 18/12/2025 20:23

It's not a typical response, no. This treatment of you is quite shocking.

My DP will check every so often and ask if I want to have a drink of anything, at meal times he'll ask what I'd like and he'll do his best to make something light and easy to eat, if I feel like it. He'll check whether I need any medicines. All that around his work from home which is pretty busy. I'm not made to feel I'm a nuisance or just need to 'get over it'.

Someone who purports to love you shouldn't be acting that way. God forbid you get a serious illness.

99bottlesofkombucha · 18/12/2025 20:22

Lordofthewing · 18/12/2025 18:32

I’m sorry OP, sending love and hoping you recover soon.

The last two days I have been Struggling with stomach cramps, heavy cold/shivering and the other joys that have come with it. Not a single offer of making me or the kids a meal, not that he can cook but a simple butter toast for me /a simple pasta for kids would have been appreciated.
I have managed to make the kids a meal in between being doubled over with cramps and have retreated back to the sofa.
I have diabetes as well and although I am not on medication, some days I feel quite tired with it and there is never any concern shown, just a cheery “you’ll be fine”…. While I try to struggle on. The irony being that his mother is a diabetic and he has all the sympathy in the world for her, lots of understanding reassurances and the like.

That’s not irony. He’s a selfish uncaring dud.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 18/12/2025 20:22

He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

I'm amazed you had the energy and if yu did you must have been exhausted.
Last time I had flu it was about 5m from my bed to the toilet and another 5m to the kitchen tap to get water. A round trip to make over an hour as I was so sick and weak I could barely walk at one point i just clung to the kitchen counter (I didnt dare sit on the floor and rest because I knew I prob wouldn't be able to stand again)

You sound like you are Worse than I was then and I was so sick If there had been £500 on the floor id have left it there!!!

Your husband sounds like an absolute gobshite and I'd geniunely be considering divorce because God forbid you get cancer / lose a leg / are in anything other than perfect health this man is going to actively make your life worse to punish you for having the audacity to not be in perfect health 24/7 to do womens work for him. Then after those inital couple of weeks when ypu are at your lowest ebb he'll leave you / cheat on you / divorce you because you arent of use and providing the usual "service".

This is not normal man behaviour.
It's normal arsehole behaviour.

CocksBolingey · 18/12/2025 20:19

What you ‘need’ to do is kick this selfish, bullying asshole out of your life. If he can’t take care of you and be sympathetic when you’re unwell and can berate you without a second thought, you clearly don’t mean much to him at all. Know your worth and get rid.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 18/12/2025 20:17

Next time he pops his head around the door to verbally abuse you ask yourself:

Does this man love me?
Does this man respect me?
Does this man make me happy?

Therealjudgejudy · 18/12/2025 20:15

Your husband is a grade a wanker op.

This is not how decent humans behave...

Joeydoesntsharefood25 · 18/12/2025 20:14

Im going to be blunt sorry. This is the type of man that will leave you if you become seriously unwell and cant serve him anymore. He doesnt love you in the true sense of the word. Love is how you act, he is showing you disdain and resentment, not love and care. I'm sorry, but I would be seriously reconsidering my relationship with a man like this.

DiscoBeat · 18/12/2025 20:10

No that's not all men. My DH is genuinely lovely and helps a lot if I get unwell. I hope he's amazing in other areas!?

Ooodelally · 18/12/2025 20:08

umumum · 18/12/2025 17:47

I’ve been diagnosed with flu. It’s knocked me out. I’ve been in bed for 4 days, throwing up, temp at 39, the worst chesty cough, insomnia, aching, unable to move. I dragged myself to the doctors because I genuinely thought I was dying.

DH had a cough last week and a temp. He’s been able to go to work, gym and eat normally. I did help him last week when he wasn’t well, getting him cough syrup and making his dinners.

This week obviously I’m no good to him. Yesterday he told me I needed to try and eat so he made me toast. I threw it up in a bowl by our bed. He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

Today he’s said I’m a “hypochondriac”, and that I “like” being unwell? He also said I’m weak because he had the same illness and was able to keep on working and with his life.

This morning I’ve been eating dry plain crackers and my stomach is rumbling. I asked him if we had any rice in. He said “why do you need rice? You’ve been eating all day?”. Then he said because I’ve not been doing anything today I shouldn’t need to eat.

He keeps saying my name with exasperation and then saying “you need more energy, you just need to focus on something else apart from being unwell”. I find it hard to do anything, but he’s said I need to read a book, wrap presents or go for a walk.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well, but all of this today made me cry.

now he’s flounced off to the shop and is saying I need to drink a coffee to perk myself up.

aibu to think this is a typical male response to a woman’s illness??? Feel like because I can’t run around after him I’m a burden

no, it’s a typical cunt response. Please stop tolerating this level of unkindness and disrespect towards yourself!

sloth75 · 18/12/2025 20:07

No this is not normal. The last time I was unwell was after an op. Dp picked me up from the hospital, took me to his home, and looked after me for 5 days.

Chasbots · 18/12/2025 20:05

Think on, flu is temporary. Imagine if it was a chronic illness or worse.

He's not a keeper.

awrbc81 · 18/12/2025 20:05

No it’s not normal, my DH would never act like that. You really can’t do anything if you have flu

jannier · 18/12/2025 20:04

umumum · 18/12/2025 17:47

I’ve been diagnosed with flu. It’s knocked me out. I’ve been in bed for 4 days, throwing up, temp at 39, the worst chesty cough, insomnia, aching, unable to move. I dragged myself to the doctors because I genuinely thought I was dying.

DH had a cough last week and a temp. He’s been able to go to work, gym and eat normally. I did help him last week when he wasn’t well, getting him cough syrup and making his dinners.

This week obviously I’m no good to him. Yesterday he told me I needed to try and eat so he made me toast. I threw it up in a bowl by our bed. He was angry at this and told me to take the bowl out and wash it.

Today he’s said I’m a “hypochondriac”, and that I “like” being unwell? He also said I’m weak because he had the same illness and was able to keep on working and with his life.

This morning I’ve been eating dry plain crackers and my stomach is rumbling. I asked him if we had any rice in. He said “why do you need rice? You’ve been eating all day?”. Then he said because I’ve not been doing anything today I shouldn’t need to eat.

He keeps saying my name with exasperation and then saying “you need more energy, you just need to focus on something else apart from being unwell”. I find it hard to do anything, but he’s said I need to read a book, wrap presents or go for a walk.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m not well, but all of this today made me cry.

now he’s flounced off to the shop and is saying I need to drink a coffee to perk myself up.

aibu to think this is a typical male response to a woman’s illness??? Feel like because I can’t run around after him I’m a burden

Its not a typical male redponse its an arse hole of a male response....how much weight does he normally pull?

NotTheMrMenAgain · 18/12/2025 20:01

Oh my goodness! What an absolute copper-bottomed-bell end your DH is! The ‘D’ in ‘DH’ here obviously stands for ‘dickhead’. I had a somewhat similar experience with ex-husband, who would be unsympathetic and grumpy if I was unwell. He’d begrudgingly bring me a cup of tea and stomp about feeling hard done by, having to make his own lunch or look after a single, easy going DC. Wanker. But even he wasn’t actively malevolent, gaslighting and bullying like your husband, who sounds to be in a different league entirely!

On reflection, I can see that ex didn’t give two hoots
about me and was just irritated by the inconvenience of his WifeBot 2008 (insert year of marriage here) malfunctioning. I wasn’t a person or a life partner with wants and needs, in his eyes I was a domestic appliance that he kept for his convenience. It was a symptom of the contempt that he treated me with, which made sense as soon as I discovered his multiple mistresses. (It’s such a common technique from the cheaters handbook that it’s predictable - blame spouse for your infidelities so you don’t have to feel guilty, it’s all their fault so they’re obviously rubbish and so now you treat them with contempt, as they are so far beneath you).

Contempt is real killer of relationships. There doesn’t have to be cheating or lying etc - if one person believes they are superior to the other then it will show through eventually in their attitude and treatment. Perhaps, once you’ve recovered from this horrible flu - and take your time, your health is the most important priority at the moment - you might want to take a bit of time to consider the dynamics of your marriage. If you think about it coolly, as if from an outside perspective, what can you see? Are there any patterns to his shitty behaviour, is he commonly selfish and belittling towards you?
Look to the future and consider if this is the partner you want to grow old with - because the challenges of getting older and ill health can be brutal and you need to be able to pull together.

I’m not saying LTB. But please do have a think about things, once you’re feeling better. I don’t live with my boyfriend of 5 years, but when I am ill he will bring round my favourite home cooked meals, do shopping, drive my teen anywhere they need a lift to and come over to take my dog for a walk (door step hand over of hound if I am contagious). That’s what love should look like and I do similar for him if the roles are reversed.

I hope you feel better soon.

ErrolTheDragon · 18/12/2025 20:01

You’re not unreasonable to feel as you do but no, as others have said, no, this isn’t what good decent men do.
I’m sorry he’s being so vile and unhelpful when you’re ill.Flowers

YouOKHun · 18/12/2025 19:41

Totally out of order. It’s all about him not being inconvenienced isn’t it? I’d find it very difficult to get past such shitty behaviour. It’s not typical of all men but it puts me in mind of a study of 500-600 terminally ill married patients monitored over time that found that there was a 6 fold increase in the risk of terminally ill spouse abandonment after diagnosis if it was the woman who was the patient.

Scarlettpixie · 18/12/2025 19:33

No it’s not typical of men, just the ones who are arseholes.

My ex husband spent weeks being mad at me for falling over on ice and twisting my knee inconveniencing him. I had fractured my kneecap. Soon after it came out he’d been having an affair. He’d been checking out of the relationship.

People who love you don’t behave like this OP. You deserve better.

Changename12 · 18/12/2025 19:24

Your husband is not a nice person. You are both being unreasonable for going out and about if you have a temperature and virus. You are just spreading germs around and spoiling other people’s Christmases. You don’t usually need to see the doctor for flu during the first week unless you have underlying health conditions. Could you have not got a telephone appointment. I hope you get better soon.