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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you say no?

31 replies

bridgetreilly · 18/12/2025 13:34

In various discussions lately, I’ve seen people saying that even to ask for something is rude or cheeky or CFery. To me, this is baffling, If I ask, I assume that one of the possible answers is no, but if I don’t ask, then I won’t know if it might have been yes. And, similarly, if I am asked for a favour, I do not feel obliged to say yes.

So, Mumsnetters, what say you?

YABU: asking is cheeky and rude and assumes you will do what they ask for.
YANBU: asking is asking and it’s perfectly fine to refuse.

OP posts:
LighthouseLED · 18/12/2025 13:47

I think it’s only rude if you’re not genuinely prepared to accept “no” as an answer.

I’d always prefer someone ask - but then I don’t have a particular issue saying “no” to things.

Original poster
bridgetreilly · 18/12/2025 13:47

Millytante · 18/12/2025 13:44

It’s very rude, inconsiderate, ill-mannered, and what all to ask something of someone where you know very well they'll struggle to say ‘No’, though the request is an imposition; maybe pushing it.
It’s not enough to tell yourself that it’s up to them to deflect you, and tough titty if they cannot.
One ought not put people into positions (with requests) where they've no clear exit.

Okay, but it’s pretty easy to ask a question that gives an easy exit.

”Would you be able to pick up XXX from Brownies today, or does that make things tricky for you?”

”Can I eat the last mince pie or were you saving it?”

”Is it okay if I bring my dog or would you prefer not?”

OP posts:
Millytante · 18/12/2025 13:45

FatCatPyjamas · 18/12/2025 13:42

YANBU. I was conditioned as a child to believe that putting people in the position of having to tell you "no" was very rude as the poor loves would be traumatised. All very British and middle class. I'm cured, now.

Haha! I just posted the reverse of this, so that’s me tellt.

Millytante · 18/12/2025 13:44

It’s very rude, inconsiderate, ill-mannered, and what all to ask something of someone where you know very well they'll struggle to say ‘No’, though the request is an imposition; maybe pushing it.
It’s not enough to tell yourself that it’s up to them to deflect you, and tough titty if they cannot.
One ought not put people into positions (with requests) where they've no clear exit.

FatCatPyjamas · 18/12/2025 13:42

YANBU. I was conditioned as a child to believe that putting people in the position of having to tell you "no" was very rude as the poor loves would be traumatised. All very British and middle class. I'm cured, now.

Catza · 18/12/2025 13:38

I honestly don't know how MNetters get through life. Every human interaction tends to be turned into "was it rude?" or massive overreaction about BoUnDaRiEs.
Maybe it's because I am European but things are very straightforward to me. Ask if you want or need something, say yes or no to a request when asked. Life is really quite simple like that.