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Original poster

When to tell toddler about divorce...

29 replies

17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:00

My ex and I have recently agreed terms in principle i.e. I will be buying her out of the marital home and crucially, we will be splitting custody of our four year old DD 50/50.

They have remained at the home, I was asked to move out at the start of the year. Since then I've been living at my auntie's, but I spend time with DD at the home without my ex present - giving her tea, bathing her, putting her to bed etc. I also stay over occasionally, again whilst my ex stays elsewhere.

My ex is going to tell DD this weekend (20th/21st December) that we're split, and that she'd like me to be involved but ultimately she is going to tell her this weekend with or without my participation.

She's said DD has been asking questions - where's dad, and why are Christmas cards addressed to them and not dad. She feels we're keeping it from her which could be damaging and lead to mistrust. But I feel the time isn't quite right because...

a) we don't yet know for sure where we're going to live - breaking such big news to her only to follow it up with uncertainties is going to leave her with more questions than answers

b) we're so close to Christmas - telling her now could leave an imprint on her mind every Christmas that this is the time of year that mum and dad split up

...the way things are now are broadly how they've been the whole year, so I feel holding back until there's concrete change is appropriate for someone the sort of age DD is.

I've suggested the compromise of telling her after new year and dealing with the unknowns as best we can. But my ex is adamant on telling her this weekend.

Does anyone have any insight/advice?

OP posts:
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Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 15:23

butterdish93 · 18/12/2025 13:44

She’s 4!! Not a toddler of course she will understand.
there’s no easy way at all OP. I would insist that you do it together for the sake of your daughter.

Show quote history

Precisely. She’s 4. She doesn’t know what marriage is or that grown ups fall in and out of love.

The only love 4 year olds (hopefully) know about is the unconditional kind that doesn’t end randomly one Tuesday. She is not going to be able to differentiate between that and the love mummy and daddy have for her and will lead her to believe that ends.

When my ex left, my son was 4 and we presented him with facts that he could digest and understand:

  1. Daddy will be living elsewhere;
  2. You will see him every other weekend;
  3. We both love you the same:
  4. This is not your fault.

Let’s not catch kids up in adult conversations that they can’t comprehend when they will be misunderstood and potentially traumatic.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 15:13

SoLongLuminosity · 18/12/2025 15:03

If you're there half the time now, isn't DD asking you these questions too?

Or are you not there 5050 and mum is sick of fielding the questions and wants to give a straight answer.

It's a little less than 50/50 at the moment simply because I don't live there, but I see DD several times a week.

DD asks "is mama home?" and I respond with saying she's working. I believe my ex does the same when I'm not there.

OP posts:
SoLongLuminosity · 18/12/2025 15:03

If you're there half the time now, isn't DD asking you these questions too?

Or are you not there 5050 and mum is sick of fielding the questions and wants to give a straight answer.

NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2025 13:58

I agree with you OP, I wouldn't tell her about the house move until there is a firm plan in place.

In terms of telling her about the split, I don't think you really need to. She has presumably already noticed that you're living with your Aunt and not at home? I would answer her questions, in a truthful and age appropriate way, as they come up. There is no need to sit her down and make a big announcement.

When you do tell her about the house move, it's all a out tone rather than timing. Sell it to her like it's a great thing and she'll go along with that. Don't do a big, dramatic, we're all sad it didn't work out type chat with a small child.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 13:51

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 18/12/2025 13:49

I do have some sympathy that this isn't a great time of year for the news, but that is countered with thinking it's madness that you've been gone most/all of this year and haven't spoken to her yet - poor child!

On that basis, it seems that you're just not keen to tell her at all, in which case I suppose now is as good a time as any.

There were signs of potential reconciliation for the first six or seven months.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 18/12/2025 13:50

pigmygoatsinjumpers · 18/12/2025 13:20

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I also don't understand why you are referring to your little girl as a "toddler".

Infants become "toddlers" once they start walking - which in some cases may be around ten or eleven months. By the time a child is three and is able to walk reasonable distances but may still be using a buggy sometimes they are no longer toddlers.

Your daughter is four. Some children start reception class when they are four.

I agree with you, but given the OP's situation and question that he's asking here, do you think a lesson in the language used to describe children of different ages is all that appropriate?

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 18/12/2025 13:49

I do have some sympathy that this isn't a great time of year for the news, but that is countered with thinking it's madness that you've been gone most/all of this year and haven't spoken to her yet - poor child!

On that basis, it seems that you're just not keen to tell her at all, in which case I suppose now is as good a time as any.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 13:49

butterdish93 · 18/12/2025 13:44

She’s 4!! Not a toddler of course she will understand.
there’s no easy way at all OP. I would insist that you do it together for the sake of your daughter.

Show quote history

Realise now calling her a toddler is just a reflection of how stressful this year has been tbh.

Agreed doing it together is non-negotiable, what's also become non-negotiable is the timing.

OP posts:
butterdish93 · 18/12/2025 13:44

Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:09

Why do you have to tell her you’re split? She won’t understand what that means because she has no concept or understanding of adult relationships.

All she needs to know is daddy doesn’t live at home anymore but she will see him on x,y,z days without fail and mummy and daddy love her very very much.

She’s 4!! Not a toddler of course she will understand.
there’s no easy way at all OP. I would insist that you do it together for the sake of your daughter.

Sprogonthetyne · 18/12/2025 13:38

Times move quickly for a 4 year old, so she might not even remember when you all lived together a year ago, or see how it is relevant to her life now. The information shes getting is that she and mummy are moving house and she'll be spending more time with daddy in the old house. The fact you have split will have been obvious to her for the last year, so very old news by now.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 13:24

pigmygoatsinjumpers · 18/12/2025 13:20

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I also don't understand why you are referring to your little girl as a "toddler".

Infants become "toddlers" once they start walking - which in some cases may be around ten or eleven months. By the time a child is three and is able to walk reasonable distances but may still be using a buggy sometimes they are no longer toddlers.

Your daughter is four. Some children start reception class when they are four.

The title reflects how stressful the year has been if I'm completely honest.

OP posts:
pigmygoatsinjumpers · 18/12/2025 13:20

I am sorry you are in this situation.

I also don't understand why you are referring to your little girl as a "toddler".

Infants become "toddlers" once they start walking - which in some cases may be around ten or eleven months. By the time a child is three and is able to walk reasonable distances but may still be using a buggy sometimes they are no longer toddlers.

Your daughter is four. Some children start reception class when they are four.

KilliMonjaro · 18/12/2025 13:09

sanityisamyth · 18/12/2025 12:23

This.

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agree

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:55

fairlyfairtoday · 18/12/2025 12:29

Has she wanted to tell your toddler before and you've been putting it off, or is this the first time she's brought the subject up? I can from your message understand your logic of wanting to delay until after christmas- provided that you haven't got form for putting this conversation off.

The sudden urgency and ultimatum does slightly suggest to me she might be at the end of her tether and sick of the limbo.

Since the start of December, not been brought up until then.

OP posts:
Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:51

ChefsKisser · 18/12/2025 12:49

A four year old is not a toddler she will be at school soon. Be open and honest with her it will be less unsettling.

We will, it's the timing we can't agree on.

OP posts:
ChefsKisser · 18/12/2025 12:49

A four year old is not a toddler she will be at school soon. Be open and honest with her it will be less unsettling.

fairlyfairtoday · 18/12/2025 12:29

Has she wanted to tell your toddler before and you've been putting it off, or is this the first time she's brought the subject up? I can from your message understand your logic of wanting to delay until after christmas- provided that you haven't got form for putting this conversation off.

The sudden urgency and ultimatum does slightly suggest to me she might be at the end of her tether and sick of the limbo.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 18/12/2025 12:28

Don't make it a big deal. If the adults in her life can calmly explain a change in living arrangements it would make things much easier.

sanityisamyth · 18/12/2025 12:23

Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:09

Why do you have to tell her you’re split? She won’t understand what that means because she has no concept or understanding of adult relationships.

All she needs to know is daddy doesn’t live at home anymore but she will see him on x,y,z days without fail and mummy and daddy love her very very much.

This.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:22

ShesTheAlbatross · 18/12/2025 12:16

She already knows the most important thing to her - that you don’t live there anymore. I’m not sure that to a four year old, the concept of divorce is going to add anything to her understanding of the situation to be honest.

My ex wants to tell DD that the two of them won't be living in this house (i.e. the marital home), that they will be living somewhere else, and that sometimes DD will live with mum and other times with dad in this house.

She's saying that conversation is definitely going to happen this weekend.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:20

17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:15

Agreed, but ex is ultimately saying the conversation is definitely going to happen this weekend with or without my involvement.

I'm trying to suggest we wait until after Christmas for the reasons I've given, but here we are.

Show quote history

If she won’t listen to reason then there’s obviously not much you can do but I would be there, hear what’s said and reiterate over and over again that it is NOT her fault, she can ask any questions she wants and you will answer them and that you love her unconditionally. Thats what she needs to hear now, nothing else.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:19

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/12/2025 12:14

Why is she adamant that it's done this weekend? She must have a reason? Is it simply because family might mention it over Christmas and she doesn't want your DD to be blind-sided?

She said she's not going through Christmas pretending and that it isn't fair on DD, she's not having DD confused about why we're not all together on Christmas Day and over the next two weeks.

But my point is that's how it's been the whole year. So there's no concrete change.

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 18/12/2025 12:16

She already knows the most important thing to her - that you don’t live there anymore. I’m not sure that to a four year old, the concept of divorce is going to add anything to her understanding of the situation to be honest.

Original poster
17GoingUnder · 18/12/2025 12:15

Lmnop22 · 18/12/2025 12:09

Why do you have to tell her you’re split? She won’t understand what that means because she has no concept or understanding of adult relationships.

All she needs to know is daddy doesn’t live at home anymore but she will see him on x,y,z days without fail and mummy and daddy love her very very much.

Agreed, but ex is ultimately saying the conversation is definitely going to happen this weekend with or without my involvement.

I'm trying to suggest we wait until after Christmas for the reasons I've given, but here we are.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 18/12/2025 12:14

Why is she adamant that it's done this weekend? She must have a reason? Is it simply because family might mention it over Christmas and she doesn't want your DD to be blind-sided?

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