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Original poster

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
CandidRaven · 18/12/2025 19:37

I'm not fond of having people in my home and I enjoy the quiet so I understand him with that but I do deal with it at Christmas as it's once a year and I wouldn't want to deprive my children of a nice Christmas where they see their family, if I were you I would arrange to have Christmas at someone else's house and he can stay at home, not everyone likes socialising and that's fine but he can't stop you from seeing your family at Christmas.

Kdubs1981 · 18/12/2025 19:32

Honestly? I would divorce him

JJWT · 18/12/2025 19:30

I'm afraid I'm against the grain here. You are forcing him to have people round when he's made it clear he does not want that. I would absolutely hate this, I'd be so stressed. Why are you insisting on getting your way? Every. Single. Christmas. Do you always ride roughshod over what your partner wants? Has it not occurred to you to compromise with alternate years, just the two of you one year, family gathering the next? Why can't you go and have your family gathering in a different house, when it's a family gathering year? Do your really expect him to never ever have a quiet visitor free Christmas, given this is what he's said he wants? I think you're the controlling one, not him. How many Christmasses have been done his way, and how many your way? The answer to that tells you who the controller is.

C152 · 18/12/2025 19:23

Well, your DH has a poor way of dealing with conflict; but you have behaved in a selfish way and I can understand why he's really annoyed. When he tells you very clearly that he wants a quiet Christmas without your father, you try to guilt him into agreeing with you, 'would you rather see him alone'? Your father is an adult; capable of keeping his own company or organising to see friends. He may not be able to travel to see your brother, but what's stopping your brother travelling to your father's house to see him?

MayaPinion · 18/12/2025 19:17

Go to your dad’s for a few days over Christmas and have a wonderful festive time. Don’t tell your husband until the day before your go so you don’t have to spend too long dealing with his moods. If he wants a quiet Christmas then he can have one. I’d never have left my dad to have a Christmas alone x

OneNewLeader · 18/12/2025 19:16

If he really struggles with groups of people in his home, he has a point. There’s a lot of good suggestions about shifting the venue. Do that. Acknowledge his opinion, understand it’s his home too and leave him to it.

I assume he has many other redeeming qualities that you value and your relationship is a true partnership.

Tuesdayschild50 · 18/12/2025 19:10

Why all this before christmas every year.. he is a grown man what he decides with his family is his choice but don't allow him to control what you and your family want to do.
Why stay for this shit.

Laurmolonlabe · 18/12/2025 19:06

It's your home too- it simply isn't his decision to make alone- if he doesn't want to see any family over Christmas, suggests he goes to a hotel while you do Christmas .
On the other hand it's a fair point that may think he is being ignored if this is a thing every year and you host in spite of him- but expecting your widowed father to Christmas alone because he doesn't fancy company isn't reasonable- you need to have proper talk and come to some compromise.

mamaE123456 · 18/12/2025 18:57

bignewprinz · 17/12/2025 21:17

I love mumsnet, but I am consistently staggered and upset by how many awful husbands and partners are out there. This is another one. Tell him to FUCK OFF.

Totally agree with this. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, it’s disgusting

itsgettingweird · 18/12/2025 18:56

randomusernam · 17/12/2025 21:23

So every year he doesn’t want to do a big thing and every year you have your family over. Never saying every other, dad could go to brothers house, you could go out. Please someone tell me what I’m missing? Sounds to me like you don’t listen to him and he gets fed up of being ignored so ignores you back. Relationships are about compromise not just always doing what you want to every year. Don’t surprise me loads of people are agreeing with you on here though. Maybe get off the man hating forum and go and discuss this with your partner.

I agree with you

mamaE123456 · 18/12/2025 18:55

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

Why are you with this man? He sounds awful. He shouldn’t be treating you like this. It’s awful. My advice is go to your family’s house eg your father or brothers house and leave your husband at home. Do you have children? Where are they in this scenario?

YourWildAmberSloth · 18/12/2025 18:54

I guess I'm in the minority here but I understand his point. He wants to spend Christmas Day differently for a change. There are many threads where posters (usually the woman or adult children) feel forced to spend the day with family, when they would much rather not. The response is usually about compromise or not attempting to please everyone else etc. You have had the family Christmas that you want every year - of course he's going to be fed up, regardless of whether he has gone NC with his family or not. If the roles were reversed, would you have been happy with the arrangement? I don't think he sounds controlling, I think he sounds pissed off!

Coalday · 18/12/2025 18:53

Some men cannot bear for their wife to have the support of family.
It is all part of their abuse.
They want their victims quietly distant physically and emotionally from those that would support them.
Friends and family quietly criticised and sulking and manipulation used to cause stress seeing them.
I saw my own father do it to my mother with his moody behaviour.

He was surprised when his own children's spouses did the exact same thing, but for a different reason.
They didn't want to be around him even though he really liked him apparently.

mullers1977 · 18/12/2025 18:52

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

book him a hotel have all your family over, enjoy xmas, then change the locks and pack his bags x. Why does he get to say how you and your children spend CHristmas

harlemshake · 18/12/2025 18:50

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 10:10

He doesnt, i pay for christmas (apart from the turkey) as i do everything else all year long. He doesnt like my brother because he is gay and doesnt want him here. He has no reason to dislike my father but they generslly get along but still calls him “the old f%#^*”
He’s left this morning in a huph without speaking to me apart from yellong that I used his card to pay for DS’s school trip in the bee year because I didnt tell him.

Show quote history

I was gonna stick up for him for a bit but how do you cope with someone not liking your brother because of being gay? that's odd to me,
i put this in the same basket as someone not liking my mum because she is white

harlemshake · 18/12/2025 18:46

cornflakecrunchie · 18/12/2025 18:45

I can't believe that some posters are sticking up for the husband!!
He sounds abusive, as well as being a thoroughly miserable twat.

I've never said this before, but I'd LTB.

how is it abuse to not want people around your home that you do not want?

harlemshake · 18/12/2025 18:46

BestFruitForward · 17/12/2025 21:09

Honestly he sounds a dick. Just don’t care what he says.

Please stop telling other women to do childish things like this,

They are a couple, you do not just "disregard or not care to validate someone's opinion"

OP please dont pay no mind, you just have to fight to have common group that everyone has to be okay with

cornflakecrunchie · 18/12/2025 18:45

I can't believe that some posters are sticking up for the husband!!
He sounds abusive, as well as being a thoroughly miserable twat.

I've never said this before, but I'd LTB.

Missingpop · 18/12/2025 18:39

Hod how do you put up with this man child id tell him to fucking grow up Christmas is for family & the prat needs to get over it invite everyone & all muck in & have a fucking good time leave the stooge upstairs with his glum face I’m sure that hour df & db will get on great with dmil & dsil they sound happy enough people tge only fly in the ointment is the lump of grump your married too

TreacleMoon · 18/12/2025 18:27

He sounds like he finds socialising deeply difficult? Maybe this goes a bit deeper than him just being a knob about Christmas! Does he always avoid gatherings if at all possible, does he find it hard to put himself in your position and understand how you feel in general? Is he depressed do you think?
Ask him if he'd prefer to be on his own?

If none of the above rings true, I'm afraid it's true - he's just being a knob!

But, you go ahead and do things your way, some people just have to learn a hard lesson, that it's not all about them.
Hope you have a great Christmas with or without his input! 🎄

ittakes2 · 18/12/2025 18:25

We have a lot of autism in our family and social overload is something we consider and adapt to. But not allowing family at Christmas? I am sorry I bet your husbands self centredness extends to outside Christmas I think unfortunately he’s not a good partner.

Dramatic · 18/12/2025 18:22

I can't believe he'd actually be happy for your Dad to sit alone for the whole of Christmas Day, I wouldn't even want an acquaintance or random neighbour to be alone let alone my father in law. I wouldn't be listening to him purely for that reason.

noodlebugz · 18/12/2025 18:20

I was a bit confused by the court voting and voted YABU to pander to your husband being horrible and a misery!
Perhaps going out with your family and leaving him to stew it the answer? Perhaps leaving him to stew permanently is a better answer!

HomeTheatreSystem · 18/12/2025 18:18

I'd go to my dad's and cook us a Christmas dinner there, leaving my miserable fucker of a DH to have the Christmas he's always wanted. It's not that his request is in itself unreasonable but that he appears to have ruined the run up to every single Christmas with his immature mithering about your family.

If you do cave, tell him that as you're going to be on your own he can do all the shopping and cooking for Christmas lunch. Plus all the clearing up afterwards as you'd like a break too.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 18/12/2025 18:16

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

He is a man child who wants to ruin everyone else's Christmas because he cant get his own way.
I'd tell him straight that your family are coming over regardless and he can either choose to be here and be happy or he can go elsewhere on Christmas day and sulk. Its not up for discussion now or in the future moving forwards and that your sick of his petulant ways, ruining your festive joy every year. End of conversation and get on and enjoy planning your family get together

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