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AIBU?

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Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
grindergirl · 18/12/2025 21:44

In spite of some of the drip feed, I am still siding with the DH. When you get together with someone and have children, that becomes your primary family. Nothing wrong with wanting Xmas Day to be just for you and yours. I'm sure the OP does love her Dad, but to others he might well be an annoying old f*er. Being unsociable is not a crime in my view. Those who call the DH 'antisocial' are wrong. Pissing in someone's beer is an antisocial act, and the OP has not indicated he indulges in such behaviour.

RickertyRocker · 18/12/2025 21:36

I cannot abide grumpiness and silent treatment.

Going against the grain I think always wanting your own Christmas is unreasonable. We decide together.

My family is massive, I don't always get to see them on the day. IL's Christmas is not what I would choose. People start eating and drinks raised before everyone has reached the table. It's not much fun.

I will take turns as long as we do our own thing for New Year.

XiCi · 18/12/2025 21:34

Just tell the tiresome bastard to fuck off OP. It's one day a year that you spend with your family and thats important. If he wants some peace he can take himself upstairs.

oldmoaner · 18/12/2025 21:33

I think it's a bit late to cancel your dad and brother coming to yours, but, you could say to DH we will make it the last one then this year if you hate it so much, then next year arrange to either go out for Christmas Dinner or explain your DH wants a quiet Christmas and may be cook dinner for your dad and brother and deliver it to your dads Christmas eve if dad wouldn't bother cooking himself.
Parents arnt here for ever, is one day a year too much to ask y

JemimaTiggywinkles · 18/12/2025 21:31

I’d also be vary wary of his homophobia. What if one of your children is gay?

edit: I mean, the terrible impact hearing this would have on a gay child. Not that it’s okay to be homophobic if your kids are straight!

JemimaTiggywinkles · 18/12/2025 21:29

I’m confused at all the people suggesting the OP forced Christmas Day to be her way every year. She has clearly stated that she has hosted in laws or gone to theirs on Christmas Day when that’s what her DH wanted. So however he chooses to see (or not see) his family she facilitates. But he throws a strop every time she wants to have her 2 family members over.

Seriously, OP, I’d be having a think about what your DH adds to your life. It isn’t normal to treat someone you love the way he’s treating you.

Dita73 · 18/12/2025 21:28

If he wants a quiet Christmas then I’d tell him to sod off for the day and he can be on his own. You can have family over and have a nice time

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 21:26

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 21:24

Ive actually never complained about having the in laws join us for the festivities and willingly host or be hosted if its what DH wants.

Edited

So if he wants the festivities you want that’s good, but if he doesn’t? Stuff him!

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 21:25

cornflakecrunchie · 18/12/2025 21:07

From @Holidaywoes12 last post, he definitely sounds abusive.
But obviously, Holidaywoes doesn't really want any answers / help..

I am actualky taking all comments in and thinking through them

OP posts:
Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 21:24

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 21:20

It’s really interesting to see how many posters have the view of “you want it, it happens” so next time an op posts of how exhausted she is of having the in-laws round all the time, that the consensus will be to call her a selfish prick and that she has no right to decide who can come to her home and when!

Ive actually never complained about having the in laws join us for the festivities and willingly host or be hosted if its what DH wants.

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 21:20

It’s really interesting to see how many posters have the view of “you want it, it happens” so next time an op posts of how exhausted she is of having the in-laws round all the time, that the consensus will be to call her a selfish prick and that she has no right to decide who can come to her home and when!

pineapplesundae · 18/12/2025 21:15

Sometimes.

Ilikeryebread · 18/12/2025 21:14

bignewprinz · 17/12/2025 21:17

I love mumsnet, but I am consistently staggered and upset by how many awful husbands and partners are out there. This is another one. Tell him to FUCK OFF.

THIS

I wonder what universe some people live in where they even consider this is normal way for an adult male to act.

As many have said, he likes to be alone, leave him alone and tell him you are seeing your family and he can go to therapy or whatever, or just grow the fuck up.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 21:08

Whatsthatsheila · 18/12/2025 21:07

Cos hes a miserable tw@t that doesn’t want her and their kids to spend Christmas with their family?

So why don’t her family host and pay and he gets the quiet Christmas?

ThatOliveHedgehog · 18/12/2025 21:08

Pretty shocked by all the comments. My widowed father in law comes to us every Christmas. There will never be a year he isn’t welcomed by me. My DH is also always welcoming of my family being hosted in our home any time of the year. So I’m team OP here. He sounds like a misery and massively controlling. Let alone the homophobia everyone is casually sweeping under the carpet.

cornflakecrunchie · 18/12/2025 21:07

From @Holidaywoes12 last post, he definitely sounds abusive.
But obviously, Holidaywoes doesn't really want any answers / help..

Whatsthatsheila · 18/12/2025 21:07

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 21:31

But it's every year. Why should here wishes trump his every year?

Cos hes a miserable tw@t that doesn’t want her and their kids to spend Christmas with their family?

Dawnb19 · 18/12/2025 20:58

Tell him no and to stop being controlling and the whole silent treatment is horrible. Christmas is a family holiday that happens for one day a year. And it's only 2 extra people. It's not like you have a house full.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 20:56

choccytime · 18/12/2025 20:55

What an absolute prat , but actually you're as bad cos you won't stand up to him. Why are you pandering to him , the whole situation is very weird

So he should pander to her and host festivities again he doesn’t want in his home?

choccytime · 18/12/2025 20:55

What an absolute prat , but actually you're as bad cos you won't stand up to him. Why are you pandering to him , the whole situation is very weird

OriginalUsername2 · 18/12/2025 20:49

Silent treatment is abusive btw.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 18/12/2025 20:49

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 21:24

You know, if a woman posted that she'd had to have her in laws over every single Christmas Day at her husband's insistence... most people would be saying it's reasonable to not want to do that every year. I'm team DH - compromise is needed here and it sounds like it's all been your way so far.

Same! But it’s mn so a dh not doing exactly what his wife wants is the bad one of course…. Op insisting they host her family is of course in the right 🙄

Holidaywoes12 · 18/12/2025 20:48

Purplewarrior · 18/12/2025 20:37

But your husband wants peace and quiet.

He would hate if his family upped and left him reallly. The hell that would insue afterwards is not worth it.

OP posts:
Yourlifeinyourhands · 18/12/2025 20:47

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

But he’s being the abnormal one! See your family and leave him alone… nice and quiet for him then!

Speckly · 18/12/2025 20:46

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:15

He says its the other way around and asks where his say is in this that he doesnt want anyone around? And hes making me think

Look up ‘gaslighting behaviours’. Basically he’s making it all your fault 🤦🏻‍♀️🚩🚩🚩

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