Husband refusing family Xmas day!

I would rather stay on my own, walk my dog and watch TV than spend the day with someone who resented me and called me a miserable old fucker.

Agree. Also, sometimes it's just not possible to be with people on Christmas Day. I have a small family and elderly housebound relatives who live far apart, but we always see them over the Christmas period. However, it doesn't sound as though the DH wants any kind of Christmas with the OP's family.

Or,
Which of you do you think is controlling? A considerate partner who cared about you like an adult would be saying to herself 'By being magnanimous, I can help my husband have a happy Christmas day even though I will be struggling with my family not being there too.'

I would just tell your family that hubby has a bad case of the flu and as you dont want anyone else to become ill you will all be meeting at your dads. Leave your hubby at home and you and your family have a nice time at your dads cooking a christmas dinner.

Can you take the kids to your father's for christmas day? I'd ignore him (he can go sit in the bedroom like a spoilt teenager if he doesnt like it) or leave him on his own.

I have read your post and your responses. It was perfectly clear that you were talking about Christmas traditions before your husband, and it was pretty obvious from the description of your husband's (repeated) behaviour that there was an element of abuse. So I don't really agree that you've drip fed.

The fact that your husband starts in October every year, has the whole histrionic behaviour going on, acting like a brat and a martyr, shows it's control.

My husband used to do it on a smaller scale when I'd ask him to take me to Ikea. In my husband's defense, it was pretty regularly. He'd be all dramatic, we'd argue for ages (felt like it anyway). I'd beg. He'd give in. He'd be a bit stroppy. On the way home, he'd be like, aren't I the hero for taking you to Ikea, you must be grateful. Not literally, but implied.

It was a pattern. It pretty much became like a rehearsal /performance. He was always going to take me but he had to create a drama first. It was exhausting. And when I recognised it - it was only ever Ikea - and brought it up, in fairness, he hadn't really realised (🤷🏼‍♀️) and he did stop.

But it was about control and dominance. And maybe it's become a bit of a tradition for him?

However, it doesn't sound like he's going to stop.

He says you should respect his wishes, yet is comfortable disrepecting your dad, and you, by calling your dad, that old fxxxer??

How does he talk about his own family?

What does he refer to you as behind your back?

This is really concerning. 😬 it sounds like he needs to speak to someone.

Sorry I can’t remember if the OP has answered the question what he is like at other times of year. Birthdays, other personal celebrations, or whatever. Because I don’t think this is about Christmas if similar behaviour happens which crucially put a downer on what the OP would like, was looking forward to, etc. So if all those other times of year are good and with compromises both sides, the H wanting a quiet Christmas every other year would seem ok.

For example, on your birthday, do you get to honestly say what you would like to do? Or does he suggest and you can’t really say what you want as the sulks will appear?

The thing is that if it’s (as I have picked up) it is a much wider issue, I honestly would assume it will not change, and might become worse as years go by. If that’s ok then fine, but because silent treatment and sulking is so awful, avoidance in the form of giving in to what the sulker wants can increase. For me, the main problem with all this is using silent treatment and sulking.

I hope things work out OK.

No one gets left alone on Christmas Day in my family. We even take in waifs and strays like grandson's housemate if they would otherwise be on their own.

She wants her elderly father (who would otherwise be alone) to come for Christmas dinner, it's hardly like she's inviting 20 people round. And from what she's saying I think her husband would be annoyed even if she invited her family round on Boxing Day or at all over the festive period

But unless your dad is also a horrible person, your DH has no reasonable grounds for refusing to let you invite your dad on Christmas Day. I presume that you do all the work and also that you did this willingly for his family before your DH cut them off.

Your dad hasn't done anything wrong to warrant your husband's attitude towards him and calling him 'that fucker'.

You are obviously a much nicer person than him.

This is a good solution. Remember your DH is not the boss. He sounds like Grinch.

Why in the ever lovin' hell do you put up with all this HORSESHIT??? He sounds like a complete dick with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

why can’t he just F off and leave. Then he can have a nice quiet Christmas on his own every year!

either way - He’s still a tw@t.

Well, that is because the hosting, cooking and arranging fall solely on the women. In this instance, he just has to show up. That is the difference I hope that helps.

Yeah I mean it was a massive drip feed tbf.

I just got an off vibe from her comment about her not respecting his wishes. Like super manipulative vibe

His behaviour sounds extremely abusive. Silent treatment, ignoring your wife and a lack of communication and wanting to isolate you is concerning because he doesn’t have contact with his family, no one else should.

Why are you still with this abusive prick?

If any man declared my dad an annoying old fucker and thought they could leave them sat on their own on xmas day they would be booted out. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they treat their family and friends and the love and compassion they show them. Family is everything and the idea that as soon as you get married you form a different family and fuck off your birth family is repellant. And of course the DH is antisocial. Pissing in someones beer is not the definition of antisocial 🤣🤣

Everything the OP has said about her husbands behaviour whenever there's an event, reminds me so much of my dear departed Dad, that I am totally on her side. I loved my Dad, but he seemed to actually enjoy spoiling every event ever planned, whether it be a summer holiday, a special birthday party, or Christmas. I did love him, but to my poor Mum he was a bully. He was raised as the only son in a family of 4 girls, (his Dad died in the war), and had been spoiled by his Mum, hence he was so used to getting his own way, that rather than doing it by discussion and communication, he would do it by bullying, shouting, and if all else failed, violence, followed by days of sulking. The weekends we lived through the 'silent treatment' were miserable, and we kids hated them, but my Mum was from a generation who were raised to be stay at home Mums, and so she had no money of her own, and no escape route.

Times have changed OP, you don't have to put up with this, and your DS shouldn't have to witness it either. It doesn't sound like your husband makes you happy, and as you only have one life, you owe it to yourself to make it as happy as it can be. You also owe it to your child to provide him with a safe, secure and happy childhood. So take the opportunity the next time you are alone, and really think about what you want out of life. If you want to stay put and be bullied and controlled for ever more, then fine, that's your choice, but what about your child, does he have a choice? On the other hand, if you decide that this is not the life you want, then start the New Year by ending this marriage, and working to make a happy life for you and your child.

Wait so he’s a dick for not wanting his in-laws over but OP gets to just overrule him and force her family on him every year? Classic MN double standards as always. Sure he’s being an idiot about it but both sides of this argument need to compromise, it seems OP has had her way for years. Christmas Day in our house is me, DH, DS and DD…far better than being descended on by other family members.

What do you think your day would look like if you did what he wanted? I'm assuming that if your Dad is too old to travel far your children aren't young. Would your husband be pleasant and have a nice relaxing day with immediate family? You would clearly be unhappy and worrying about your Dad. I suspect that your husband would still be miserable if he got his own way, although mildly satisfied. I'm probably not as old as your Dad but I'm mid 70s and widowed. I would rather stay on my own, walk my dog and watch TV than spend the day with someone who resented me and called me a miserable old fucker. Are you near enough to call round to see your Dad and your brother at your Dad's house just for an hour or two. Your husband sounds unkind, he knows he's causing you stress and he's not bothered. Have his own family done something really out of order or is it him sulking with them? Are you happy generally and do you ever have fun and enjoy each others company? Life's too short to let someone make you miserable. I'm curious as to how many children you have and roughly what ages and what their relationship with their Dad is like. I also wondered if your Dad has ever been unpleasant towards your husband in the past which would change my view a bit.

So is “do what I want or I’ll call you abusive”?

Exactly this. Classic sign of domestic abuse.

Having read the drip feed ... Yes you're right. But from the original posts she sounded manipulative, controlling and unwilling to see her husband's point of view....that's because he's a twat which we later discovered.

Your husband sounds horrible, does he bring any joy to your life OP?

😂