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Original poster

Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
Aluna · 17/12/2025 22:19

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/12/2025 21:48

Actually on second thoughts i'd bundle the kids in the car and go to your Dads and have your DB join you there...buy a load of nice food crank the heating up and have a good time.

leave him to his own devices and let him rattle around in the house alone....Since that's what he wants apparently....

I say this as there's nothing in your posts indicating he wanting quality time with you or the kids... its very much "I want to be left alone" so leave the miserable bastard alone.

I also struggle to believe outside of this one issue your marriage is good /healthy

Edited

This.

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:18

StampOnTheGround · 17/12/2025 22:14

YANBU OP.

Clearly a few posters on here don’t understand what’s it’s like to have a parent who’s a widower - of course it’s a no brainer that your dad will always be there!

My mil is not coming to us this year...my partner has a sibling... just like the op. She won't be alone. Neither will the df here as brother could actually do something for once (can't believe what a free pass that lazy sods getting here...he never visits... never had his parents for Christmas)

Redpeach · 17/12/2025 22:17

Has he had any ghost visitations yet? He's got 364 other days to have peace n quiet ffs

Eyeshadow · 17/12/2025 22:17

YABU and I’m shocked at some of these replies (well it’s MN so I’m not).

Why do your feelings trump his?
Why is your Xmas more important than his?

I don’t have extended family round on Xmas day either as I like the calm.

Why don’t you compromise and not have your family Xmas day but have them Boxing Day instead?
Or go to theirs?

I wouldn’t change it this year but from next year I would changes things so your DH gets to enjoy his Xmas too.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 17/12/2025 22:17

Also, if this was reversed and it was OP saying she wanted a quiet one without her DH’s family all descending but he was telling her to suck it up the replies would be so different. Good old MN double standard.

Original poster
Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:16

harriethoyle · 17/12/2025 22:10

So every single Christmas Day since you were together, you’ve insisted that your family is with you? And you’ve never ever given your DH an option which doesn’t include that?

If my understanding is correct, you’re being selfish and inflexible and I’m not surprised he’s pissed off. He’s behaving poorly but I suspect that’s from years of frustration.

No thats not right, like ive said in the past there have been christmases at in-laws, in laws have come to ours, Dad has been coming since mum passed away and brother comes some point during the festive period if not Christmas day

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 17/12/2025 22:15

I'm the same way that I really value seeing my family at Christmas, but I do generally think that marriage is compromise and it shouldn't all be one persons way. Can you (and kids) and your brother both go to your dad, so that he doesn't have to host and you still see family

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:15

Happyjoe · 17/12/2025 22:12

So basically because he's having a shit time family wise, he wants you to too?
Nice.

No he wants just the nuclear family for the first time ever. That's the first time... Every other year the op has had loads of family around. he's suggested a quiet one
many times and been ignored. He has the right to the Christmas he wants just once surely?

Tadpolesinponds · 17/12/2025 22:15

He sounds like a highly miserable and controlling bastard. He's recently gone no contact with his family = big red flag unless there's a genuine history of child abuse. He makes a big fuss about you seeing anyone at times of the year when everybody else is celebrating with their loved ones = big red flag. He says why should you enjoy spending time with your family when he's cut off contact with his = big red flag. I'd seriously think about leaving him. Then he can have all the peace and quiet he wants.

AngelicKaty · 17/12/2025 22:14

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

You could respect his wish for a quiet Christmas OP and have the family Christmas you want by hosting it at your father's house (brother could visit you all there) leaving the grinch at home on his own - I'm sure he'll love that. 😉

Fiftyandme · 17/12/2025 22:14

He’s a completely unreasonable dick. Who the hell does he think he is demanding you don’t see your family?

StampOnTheGround · 17/12/2025 22:14

YANBU OP.

Clearly a few posters on here don’t understand what’s it’s like to have a parent who’s a widower - of course it’s a no brainer that your dad will always be there!

Dollymylove · 17/12/2025 22:13

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

Let him have that if he wants. You go to your dad's with your brother. Give him his divorce papers when you get back.
Do you have any children?

Happyjoe · 17/12/2025 22:12

So basically because he's having a shit time family wise, he wants you to too?
Nice.

ThePerfectWeekend · 17/12/2025 22:11

My DP are dead but I have several siblings. I wouldn't even think to ask permission for any of them or their families to spend Christmas with us. I have only one DSis coming with BIL and DN. I think I'd actually laugh or tell him to fuck off if he tried to say no.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 17/12/2025 22:10

Why can’t your brother drive to your dad’s for a change and you have the quiet Xmas your DH clearly wants and needs after a year of wider family upheaval? It sounds like Xmas is always on your terms and you don’t listen to or respect his wishes.

Bikergran · 17/12/2025 22:10

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

Let him have a quiet Christmas. On his own. Go to either your dad's or brother's house, having had all supplies delivered there beforehand, and have a great Christmas with the three of you. ❤️

harriethoyle · 17/12/2025 22:10

So every single Christmas Day since you were together, you’ve insisted that your family is with you? And you’ve never ever given your DH an option which doesn’t include that?

If my understanding is correct, you’re being selfish and inflexible and I’m not surprised he’s pissed off. He’s behaving poorly but I suspect that’s from years of frustration.

YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 22:10

Gingernaut · 17/12/2025 22:09

Let him fuck off to a hotel, then

His behaviour is just antisocial and coercive

If my husband wanted his relatives round for Christmas every single year, and told me to fuck off to a hotel if I didn't like it, I would 100% be serving the divorce papers in the new year.

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:10

OogieBoogiO · 17/12/2025 22:07

Theoretically, I’m Team husband as it is reasonable to compromise, but the way he presents his wish makes me feel there is something unreasonable about it. You also seem to lack creativity and be stuck in a “one solution only” mindset, rather than suggest ideas for a compromise.

Some questions to help you get out of the gridlock:

Is the issue seeing people or is the issue hosting in your home? When you mention seeing his family, that’s been elsewhere right?

Is there any chance you could see your family for Christmas but not necessarily HOST every year. Or to occasionally see them on another day (boxing, new years and so on) to let your husband have Christmas with just you? What would actually make a difference. Would compromise help or is he just in a grumpy mood about it all in general. We know what he doesn’t want, but was DOES he want?

The comment about not seeing your family because he’s not seeing his own family is very off putting. Would he really be happy if you went NC with your family, I’d ask him. Bitterness is very damaging to a heart so he better watch out.

But it's not the way he presents...it's the information the op has given us. I sure there will be a subtle difference if the husband had posted. Just consider the fact that in October he said he'd like a quiet Christmas...so not spung it on her.

liamharha · 17/12/2025 22:10

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

He sounds horrible and miserable and lacking in basic consideration,,not surprised he's no contact with his family they are probably thrilled to be rid of his mardy arse, send him to the shed or loft on his own .

Gingernaut · 17/12/2025 22:09

Let him fuck off to a hotel, then

His behaviour is just antisocial and coercive

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:08

Gymnopedie · 17/12/2025 22:06

i have never had a Christmas where he was willing for my family to be there though but I have always been willing to have his family.

So although this year is slightly unusual because he's gone NC with people from his family, did you never tackle this with him in the past? Ask him why he expected you to host or visit his family but you weren't allowed yours? Did you ever ask him why he only wanted 'a quiet Christmas' when you might be entertaining your family but not his?

How does he get on with your family generally? Does he try to isolate you from them at other times of the year?

Clearly not because brother can't be arsed to visit any other time of the year

Stucknstoopit · 17/12/2025 22:07

Just go out and sack him off for Christmas Day. Bloody misery guts

OogieBoogiO · 17/12/2025 22:07

Theoretically, I’m Team husband as it is reasonable to compromise, but the way he presents his wish makes me feel there is something unreasonable about it. You also seem to lack creativity and be stuck in a “one solution only” mindset, rather than suggest ideas for a compromise.

Some questions to help you get out of the gridlock:

Is the issue seeing people or is the issue hosting in your home? When you mention seeing his family, that’s been elsewhere right?

Is there any chance you could see your family for Christmas but not necessarily HOST every year. Or to occasionally see them on another day (boxing, new years and so on) to let your husband have Christmas with just you? What would actually make a difference. Would compromise help or is he just in a grumpy mood about it all in general. We know what he doesn’t want, but was DOES he want?

The comment about not seeing your family because he’s not seeing his own family is very off putting. Would he really be happy if you went NC with your family, I’d ask him. Bitterness is very damaging to a heart so he better watch out.