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Husband refusing family Xmas day!

457 replies

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:06

Advice please, both myself and hubby feeling hurt atm.
So I come from a family, although small, have always come together for christmas dinner, it was my favourite part of christmas growing up and anything else feels so wrong. My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument. This year, he has gone no contact with his mother and sister, and has told me seeing that he wont be seeing them for christmas I wont be having fanily over. My brother who I only see at christmas has been looking forward to visit and see our children and my father of course will certainly be coming, but not without a whole load of stress and silent trratment from husband first. He says he does not like a crowd and is upset about not seeing his mother and sister. I have explained to him things dont have to be this way and tbh a good adult conversation between them would probably sort it, but he’s not interested. Should I try husbands way of having no visitors at christmas? Something that would work for us both? He knows that my father comong over is a no brainsr because he lives alone, bit its still an argument every year!

OP posts:
NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:30

Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:28

The OP has posted about how she has had occasions of hosting his family as well as going to his family. My suggestion is that he uses one of those occasions in the future to instead stay home and have his quiet Christmas.

What do you expect the brother to do? It makes far more sense for the OP to host since she has children. Better for them to be in their home Christmas day and nice for them to spend the day with grandad and uncle. Her dad also can't travel to the brother. As long as he brings gifts, wine and helps with the clearing up, I really don't see what more his contribution can be.

Edited

Because he is now nc with his family (we don't know why). But they have never had a Christmas with just two of them and the kids....that must be draining

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 17/12/2025 22:30

Why are you putting up with this rubbish every year? Is your DH a delightful and supportive partner the rest of the year? 🙄

Themagicfarawaytreeismyfav · 17/12/2025 22:30

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:23

Apparently I should be respecting his wishes of wanting a quiet Christmas

So leave him at home all alone for a quiet Christmas, while you cook for your dad and brother and one of their houses! And if he asks to come tell him to fuck off.

9yhkout6 · 17/12/2025 22:29

It seems that the one Christmas you've never had is a quiet one with just the nuclear family and thats what your DH has asked for.

It also seems that you have taken on the assumption that you must look after your dad but not your brother - despite both of you being his kids.

Your brother is allowed to waltz in and out as he pleases but not you, let alone your DH. Why arent you pissed off at your brother for not caring about his own family or whether he is including your dad? Why should your Dh but not him?

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:29

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 17/12/2025 22:27

Okay, maybe descending is the wrong word but why shouldn’t he want a Xmas with just his nuclear family - which is exactly what OP has just said her childhood Xmases were like.

I said we come together as a family, grandmothers frrom both sides cousins etc is what our xmases looked like (sorry should have explained better)

OP posts:
whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 17/12/2025 22:28

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 21:15

He says its the other way around and asks where his say is in this that he doesnt want anyone around? And hes making me think

Ask him to sulk in his room for Christmas, and you have your family around. This is classic projection - he is definitely the controlling one. He can sulk anywhere he likes, you aren't preventing him from doing that. You host your family and have a lovely family Christmas.

Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:28

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:25

She doesn't actually say anything about him wanting to host his family...all she says is he has repeatedly asked for no one to come.

Again wtf isn't the brother doing more?

The OP has posted about how she has had occasions of hosting his family as well as going to his family. My suggestion is that he uses one of those occasions in the future to instead stay home and have his quiet Christmas.

What do you expect the brother to do? It makes far more sense for the OP to host since she has children. Better for them to be in their home Christmas day and nice for them to spend the day with grandad and uncle. Her dad also can't travel to the brother. As long as he brings gifts, wine and helps with the clearing up, I really don't see what more his contribution can be.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 17/12/2025 22:27

Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:23

It seems to be 2 people, her widowed father and her brother. Your description of family descending makes it sound like distant cousins and great aunts showing up. The OP is also the one who does all the work for it so yes it would be different. Why doesn't her husband want the quiet Christmas on the years he gets the OP to host for his family?

Okay, maybe descending is the wrong word but why shouldn’t he want a Xmas with just his nuclear family - which is exactly what OP has just said her childhood Xmases were like.

AngelicKaty · 17/12/2025 22:27

harriethoyle · 17/12/2025 22:10

So every single Christmas Day since you were together, you’ve insisted that your family is with you? And you’ve never ever given your DH an option which doesn’t include that?

If my understanding is correct, you’re being selfish and inflexible and I’m not surprised he’s pissed off. He’s behaving poorly but I suspect that’s from years of frustration.

Try reading all of OP's posts. She's written:

  • "I have hosted Christmas for his family in the past and willingly gone for Christmas meals at the in laws during the festive period without an uproar."
  • "I pay for Christmas, everything and do all the work that goes with it."
  • "...his family have come in the past and I have never complained, and I have always willingly gone to in laws with him over the festive period."
  • "I have never had a Christmas where he was willing for my family to be there though but I have always been willing to have his family."
And you think OP's the one who's being "selfish and inflexible". 🙄
NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:25

Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:23

It seems to be 2 people, her widowed father and her brother. Your description of family descending makes it sound like distant cousins and great aunts showing up. The OP is also the one who does all the work for it so yes it would be different. Why doesn't her husband want the quiet Christmas on the years he gets the OP to host for his family?

She doesn't actually say anything about him wanting to host his family...all she says is he has repeatedly asked for no one to come.

Again wtf isn't the brother doing more?

Aluna · 17/12/2025 22:25

Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:23

It seems to be 2 people, her widowed father and her brother. Your description of family descending makes it sound like distant cousins and great aunts showing up. The OP is also the one who does all the work for it so yes it would be different. Why doesn't her husband want the quiet Christmas on the years he gets the OP to host for his family?

Right, it’s hardly party of the century. This isn’t about quiet it’s about control.

And if he got his own way he’d be grumpy and unhappy regardless so OP may as well crack on.

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Erm, yes I did? I come from a family (before DH) and Favourite part of Christmas growing up (again before DH)

OP posts:
YourZippyHare · 17/12/2025 22:24

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:22

I mean historically as children before meeting DH

That's quite confusing. Of course you, your parents and brother came together for Christmas Dinner when you were a child. You all lived together as a family.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 17/12/2025 22:24

QuietLifeNoDrama · 17/12/2025 22:21

If a woman came on here and said my DH loves a big family Christmas and even though it not my thing I oblige every year. This year I asked for a quiet Christmas with just our family as I’ve had a tough time with my own family and had to go NC. I discussed it with him in Oct but he’s refusing and invited his relatives anyway….. the internet would be in uproar. The double standards on here astound me sometimes.

Totally agree. It’s not like he’s sprung it on her either, he’s been saying for months he’d like a quiet one with just them and her answer has basically been “fuck you”. I would be so pissed off in his shoes.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 17/12/2025 22:23

Many women on MN have started threads saying they don't want their MIL/IL's coming over for Christmas, your DH is just expressing the same views.

Espressosummer · 17/12/2025 22:23

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 17/12/2025 22:17

Also, if this was reversed and it was OP saying she wanted a quiet one without her DH’s family all descending but he was telling her to suck it up the replies would be so different. Good old MN double standard.

It seems to be 2 people, her widowed father and her brother. Your description of family descending makes it sound like distant cousins and great aunts showing up. The OP is also the one who does all the work for it so yes it would be different. Why doesn't her husband want the quiet Christmas on the years he gets the OP to host for his family?

harriethoyle · 17/12/2025 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Redpeach · 17/12/2025 22:22

QuietLifeNoDrama · 17/12/2025 22:21

If a woman came on here and said my DH loves a big family Christmas and even though it not my thing I oblige every year. This year I asked for a quiet Christmas with just our family as I’ve had a tough time with my own family and had to go NC. I discussed it with him in Oct but he’s refusing and invited his relatives anyway….. the internet would be in uproar. The double standards on here astound me sometimes.

Nope makes no difference to me

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:22

harriethoyle · 17/12/2025 22:20

Your OP says your family have “always come together for Christmas dinner” - so
that’s every Christmas Day with your family in some form?

I mean historically as children before meeting DH

OP posts:
MooDengOfThailand · 17/12/2025 22:21

Tell him to fuck off for himself.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 17/12/2025 22:21

If a woman came on here and said my DH loves a big family Christmas and even though it not my thing I oblige every year. This year I asked for a quiet Christmas with just our family as I’ve had a tough time with my own family and had to go NC. I discussed it with him in Oct but he’s refusing and invited his relatives anyway….. the internet would be in uproar. The double standards on here astound me sometimes.

harriethoyle · 17/12/2025 22:20

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:16

No thats not right, like ive said in the past there have been christmases at in-laws, in laws have come to ours, Dad has been coming since mum passed away and brother comes some point during the festive period if not Christmas day

Your OP says your family have “always come together for Christmas dinner” - so
that’s every Christmas Day with your family in some form?

Aluna · 17/12/2025 22:20

Eyeshadow · 17/12/2025 22:17

YABU and I’m shocked at some of these replies (well it’s MN so I’m not).

Why do your feelings trump his?
Why is your Xmas more important than his?

I don’t have extended family round on Xmas day either as I like the calm.

Why don’t you compromise and not have your family Xmas day but have them Boxing Day instead?
Or go to theirs?

I wouldn’t change it this year but from next year I would changes things so your DH gets to enjoy his Xmas too.

If he wants a grumpy isolated Christmas he can have one - on his own in an Airbnb.

NotAnotherScarf · 17/12/2025 22:19

Holidaywoes12 · 17/12/2025 22:16

No thats not right, like ive said in the past there have been christmases at in-laws, in laws have come to ours, Dad has been coming since mum passed away and brother comes some point during the festive period if not Christmas day

So your brother has never hosted, your parents never went there?

Sassylovesbooks · 17/12/2025 22:19

There needs to be some compromise by both of you. The simplest answer is to have your brother and Dad every other year, and in between have a quiet family Christmas or your in-laws (if your husband ever speaks to his Mum and sister again). It's what most families have to do. No, your husband shouldn't be giving you the silent treatment, that doesn't resolve anything. He needs to accept that your Dad and brother will be coming every other year. Going forward, I would suggest your brother goes to your Dad's, either they go out Christmas Day or your brother cooks. Your Dad has two children, the responsibility shouldn't be placed on you, every year. Have you invited your brother and Dad for this year? If so, then your husband may have to accept it's too late to change plans now, but next year you'll have a quiet Christmas.