Husband refusing family Xmas day!

If he is really this agitated, can you not compromise, and have a ‘just you lot’ day on 25th, with nobody’s in laws of any stripe, and then have your dad and brother on Stephen’s Day, for a second festive day?
So on the 25th, your brother and dad do their thing together, and nobody’s alone.
It just seems like your giving way here would be an enormously kind thing, to a man who sounds really terribly low. Maybe he feels a bit invisible, or unheard.

Certainly I’d think always prioritising the Christmas style of your childhood, and your own family members’ preferences over your own husband’s could feel hurtful, even if it’s never intended as a slight.
Could you not let him have his way just this year, in the interests of making someone happy?

(apologies if Im barking up the wrong tree. You've reminded me of a few weird years in my teens when my parents were very disjointed, and Ma treated Pa as though he were worthy of only minor consideration. Still breaks my heart to think of him like that!)

Because it’s not just about the widowed FIL. If it was OP could of suggested ‘it’s too late to change the plans this year and I don’t want dad on his own but how about next year we make a plan to do something just the two of us and I’ll speak to brother about arrangements for dad.’

Shes not interested in giving her DH’s idea of Christmas any thought.

You deserve a break 100 %

Bet he's not rushed off his feet tho like you are. He's probably just really antisocial.

Nope
For me Christmas is a break from hectic daily life. A chance to unwind and relax with my partner.

I think silent treatment is pretty horrible behaviour tbh OP. But if this happens every year then only you know if you actually listen and try to reach a compromise in the months before or if you are just basically avoiding / not discussing / ignoring him every year to get what you want.

My DH is like you and wants family round every Christmas- that includes my parents. I absolutely loathe it and just grit my teeth from Christmas Eve till afterwards as ‘hosting’ is not just the day. I barely see DH for three days as it’s endless shopping and preparing. It’s wasting part of Christmas Eve preparing and Christmas morning ruined by having to get up and ready to meet a schedule followed by more prep and cooking and then a ridiculous big meal with enforced jolliness and boring small talk. Then masses of washing up. Then having to play games or watch TV or whatever ‘on parade’ with other people constantly in ‘social mode’ with added fun of tidy up some more. I dream of a Christmas of just the two of us but it will never happen so I suck it up (probably because I’m female) but I do understand how your DH feels.

Those who only want Christmas with their nuclear family - doesn’t this defeat the purpose of Christmas? Which is all about families coming together?

Change can be hard. But perhaps he might have a point. Why not try his way and have a quiet Christmas, perhaps go out for a walk together or something. Give it a try for this year at least, you never know, you might see things differently.

Sulking, arguments, gas lighting, silent treatment. Ringing any bells for what this behaviour is called op?

That's only because you have decided, based on nothing included in the OPs posts, that her husband never had any say when they hosted/visited his family.

I would invite my family, pre warn them DH is a moody shit and just get on with it, DH will be outnumbered by happy family and will either cheer up & join in or scuttle off and sulk. Who cares you’ll have your family for company in your home. It’s your Christmas too.

"My husband has always had an issue with this and every December would be a big upheavel and upset with him refusing any of my family members over, (my father a widow) before eventually allowing them to come! Every year the same argument."

In your OP, you state that this has been ongoing every year. Since you met? Have you ever had a Christmas without either of your family?

"I have never had a Christmas where he was willing for my family to be there though but I have always been willing to have his family"

Has he always been willing to have his family? Has he pushed that on you? And when you do have his family, is your own family there, too?

From what I can gather, Christmas has either been your family at yours, both families at yours, or you go to his family. I can see why he might be annoyed of for the majority of the years you've been together, he's asked for just you with no visitors and he's always been told no.

Why don't you try starting a thread saying you don't want your elderly widowed FiL coming to you for Xmas day even though DH is paying and doing all the work...simply because you don't fancy having a guest, and see how that pans out?

He's fallen out with his family so consequently he doesn't want you to see yours. Is he 5? What an eejit. Don't you see what he's doing? He's gaslighting you too - nothing to do with wanting a quiet Christmas, that's just manipulation. He's unhappy so he wants you to be unhappy too. Selfish, selfish man. Ask yourself would a loving partner want that for you?

He is being unreasonable. He can have quiet days and weekends at home for the rest of the year, but there is only one Christmas each year. Or is he saying you can have your Dad and brother over any weekend you like, but just not on Christmas? I suspect he is not hospitable the rest of the year either.

I can relate to this a bit.

I find some men want to have a quiet family Christmas, but they don't actually do anything to contribute...like the cooking.

It's exhausting.

Oh for the return of the laugh reaction

surely xmas is different for everyone and if they dont family around thats ok.

I find this really strange that people are sticking up for the husband. Where I’m from everyone is welcome. A friend who lost his only child, will be there, sadly we lost a friend with learning difficulties and no close family, but he’d have been there. Isn’t this what Christmas is about? Your husband can have quiet dinners with you every other day of the year. Perhaps have a quiet Boxing Day instead?

If he wants to uninvite your dad and brother tell him he can call them and explain why..

If you want to compromise then boxing day should be family from now on and leave him with christmas his way.

But it's every year...there has never been a compromise from the op...it's full on family Christmas and not a chance of anything different...it's like going into a shop and seeing someone still sticking price labels on things..."because we've always done it that way".

Kist take the kids round to your dads and leave your DH to his misery

I would definitely be granting that wish. Next year hopefully you’ll have left him. He sounds impossible and grumpy.

Hardly a ‘man-hating’ constituency, given the number of bloody inadequate (and far worse than that) men everyone seems to marry.
They hardly need even to pass as adult and compos mentis in order to become DH@MN!

That was my take on it too. OP may well of hosted his family but it doesn’t come across as though it was at his request. It reads like he wants Christmas without the others and hasn’t ever managed to get it. It probably came at great effort and expense to OP but if he didn’t want it you can’t expect him to be grateful for it.

I do understand not wanting to leave an elderly relative alone but I can’t comprehend being so dismissive of your partners feelings either

I think you can acknowledge he doesn’t want to be the host and still say it is a compromise for both of you. Can you offer if he wants to go out for a walk or not have to put in too much effort, that is ok. It’s family so you need to invite dad etc, but also because it’s family, he doesn’t need to make effort and family can understand he’s the kind of person who wants to chill and be low key.