Husband refusing family Xmas day!

if it's a yearly request it's unreasonable for you not to meet him half way and have a smaller Xmas occasionally. He's non contact with his family and obviously not comfortable with yours, I'm not sure what his underlying issue is but it's big enough for him to argue and plead for months and then must be quite a punch in the guts for you to ignore him every year.

I'd love to read the completely different responses this thread would get if it was the other way around

"Every year I beg my husband just this once to have a quiet Christmas just the two of us, and every year he overrules me and invites his whole family over without discussion or compromise (he said his mother coming to us every year is a no brainer). I've recently gone no contact with my own family due to a difficult relationship and in October I have asked once again if we can please have a quiet Christmas because it's difficult for me this year, but he's once again overruled me and told me his brother and mother will certainly be coming. I don't feel like I have any say or agency over who is coming into my home."

I wonder if she'd be being called a controlling dickhead by a majority of posters....

Weve spoken about it since October, ive had on and off moods about it since then

your post didn't show how nasty he sounded. I'm a bit torn because while he sounds insufferable, he also sounds incredibly frustrated at never getting the Christmas he clearly wants and has asked for.

it's too late now to change this years and only you know if he is a horror. But maybe a compromise could be had for next year by saying it will just be you two and the kids.

I’d be leaving him at home and going to stay with your dad.

You pay for it, you do all the work for it. I think you're more than entitled to invite your family if that's what you want to do. I mean, it's not like your joyless, sulky husband who won't even talk to his own mother is going to be an attractive alternative companion is he? There's no way I'd miss out on seeing my father and brother just to have him sat there breathing in and out next to me on the sofa and maybe doing me the honour of not giving me the silent treatment if he feels like it.

That sounds like the most happiness for most people doesn’t it? (Assuming there are no kids to factor in, I don’t think the op has mentioned any).

would your DH actually enjoy a ‘quiet Christmas’ more than any other day of the year?

Either way you sound pretty incompatible to be honest.

@NotAnotherScarfi appreciate that but op father would otherwise be all alone on Xmas day, isn’t that cruel? Charity begins at home, if you can’t look after your own family, what good are you doing? This is the problem with a lot of western mindset, they are very selfish, hold very little respect to the parents that brought them up. I wonder how you’d feel when your adult child leaves you all by yourself on a special day, no where to go, no one to see. Her husband is a selfish man, a good decent man wouldn’t want his wife’s father to be all alone on Xmas day, he could even say allow the brother but we will have your father, he’s one person, hardly going to be chaotic so her dh would still have his quiet Xmas.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him on the realisation of this. it's probably too late to change plans now for next week but discuss the day and come to some agreement then next year do a quite one
I get people say Xmas is a time for family etc. but I am sure people will agree 2025 has been a shite year. for me it's cost a fortune everything has gone up in price I am exhausted this year. I love my family but god hard work and so are my in laws I would love to lock the door and not see anyone over Xmas but my husband feels a bit like you guilty with his widowed mother. we not hosting but have ti drive to his sisters for dinner Xmas day it's no crack at all I will be like your husband gritting my teeth nodding smiling and sipping wine counting down time to go home. he finds its stressful too but does it for his mother. he says when she gone we can go away for Xmas

Why should he leave his own home.

Why can’t they all go to OPs brothers.

Not everyone likes hosting loads of people in their home.

Why does 1 persons dishes trump the others did Xmas day.

If this was a reverse people would be going sick at OP for not compromising.

I actually do hope this is a reverse.

Go to your Dad's, have your brother come over there & enjoy the day without your stroppy house grinch. That's wholly compatible with him having a quiet Christmas.

He calls your dad “that old f#%*#r"?!

Has your dad done anything to warrant this? That sounds awful.

I realise that the immediate family option isn't for everyone, but if you have children, I do believe Xmas Day is a special day for them. With all the excitement of new toys, few want to be herded off to visit relatives, or to be put on show for relatives visiting their house. Thinking back to my own father, he worked a 3-shift system in a factory and Xmas was one of the few days he had off to completely relax. He would have hated to have given up his precious time to make small talk with in-laws. No, he never did any cooking, but he worked the shifts to put the food on the table

The op has only ever fuly funded and done all the work for Christmas. She’s gone to his family for Christmas and hosted them. He’s a miserable grinch who’s made every Christmas her family has come around a challenge , and I’d go to my dads, have my brother come there, and we jointly put together Christmas. Dh is very obviously not invited. He can sit on his own and be happy. Don’t leave him any festive food either.

It seems that you have opposing views of what Christmas should be like OP. My childhood and young adulthood Christmases sound very like yours. We had loads of family round and when the older family members were no longer with us my parents would invite waifs and strays who, for various reasons, would otherwise have been on their own. This ranged from overseas students who were too far from home to elderly couples whose children couldn't be with them. It actually made for very enjoyable Christmases but I do understand that that wouldn't be for everyone.

Could you have Christmas day this year just with your nuclear family and perhaps go to your brother's or father's on boxing day and have a second Christmas? I know that may be difficult for you and I agree that I could never have left my Dad on his own at Christmas.

My own feeling is that Christmas is a time for people not to be alone but I appreciate that others may feel differently. Especially in your husband's case because he is estranged from his family.

So despite him asking in advance (yet again) you have ignored his feelings and gone ahead with what you want.

And people call him controlling

LTB

Or a thread that says my brother never visits unless he gets free booze and food and never has dad for Christmas but is happy for me to do everything

No it's about the birth of Jesus Christ but don't let that stop you

Well he's not had any input about inviting her family. He's repeatedly asked for a quiet Christmas year after year and never had one. For all the op knows he might hate it

And here’s the rub, he’s fallen out with his family (gosh I wonder why!). Now he wants you to fall out with yours. He is isolating you. Do you have any say? Is there ever joint decision making? Do you feel equal? Seriously, who is he to tell you what is happening on Christmas Day…it’s your Christmas too.

He sounds the most miserable, controlling individual around. How long are you going to put up with this? This is your life…fitting around his wants and needs, keeping him happy and all at the cost to your happiness/peace/contentment.

He’s not happy with your plans for Christmas Day, tell him to make himself scarce. No loss with his bad attitude!!

going against the grain here but… you both want different things and every year the ‘compromise’ is doing it your way.
you have a brother, can’t you go to his, or he go to dads, or dad goes to his.

could the compromise be one day is a quiet one just the two of you and another be a family day (meal out boxing day for example) or that they will only come for half the day?

seems like what your DH wants doesn’t seem to matter to anyone…

He sounds quite mean.

Do Christmas/family gatherings trigger something in him?