Page 6 | To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

Hercthro · 2025-12-17T20:39:38+00:00

We have 2 children one is 5 , the other 11 months (due to start childcare in Jan ). My partner has been offered a new job by his old boss more money and more exciting job. The problem is he would have to stay away one night a week (4 hours away ) leaving the house at 5/6am returning back the next day at 10pm. I work in a job I enjoy compressed hours having Thursdays off and doing a few hours on a Friday. I then start early and work once kids are in bed . I go into London 2-4 times a month depending on meetings etc (mainly all external). I'm not seeing how we could make this work without majorly compromising our lifestyle. We both wfh at the moment , Monday - Wed i tend to do a couple of hours work between 6 and 8 then do the school run, I would not be able to juggle this on his days away. The deal was I do school runs 5 days a week, he does the Childminders 2 days again I don't think this would happen . Right now we have a nice balance , compared to most people I know. The only way I can see it working is we have a nanny (which defeats the pay rise object) or i fully drop a day a week which would mean loosing 17k a year . I dont want to do this as I like having enough money so if he leaves for whatever reason me and the kids don't have to move etc etc . Lastly we have medical insurance through his work and I'm waiting for complicated major surgery and our insurance is via his work. AIBU to say I don't want him to take it ?

BlueMum16 · 17/12/2025 22:02

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:30

Sorry I didn't mean to drip feed , but was trying to keep it short . But yes in short my career has taken a hit , while I support his doing the bulk of childcare. He will do childminder pick up 2 days a week (well is meant to be he hasnt started yet). While I do all school runs, condense hours working late nights etc , cover sick days , sort when the kids are off school , all the mental load , 90% of house work (we do have cleaners a couple of house ' but have 2 kids and 2 dogs !).

If im in London my Mum/ brothers will do pick up .

I absolutely don't mind doing the hours fitting round the kids etc. But I do feel like this might stress me out too much. I'm not moaning about my children , I just think the balance will become even less fair . I have said to him not sure we'd make it if he took this job . He can't see why.

Edited

Sounds like you do everything for the family and his career and he takes takes take.

If he wants the job over you and family life you have your answer.

In the meantime make him parents 50:50.

ForeverPombear · 17/12/2025 22:02

Honestly OP I'd reconsider marrying him or at least postponing it. I was with a man like this and it just got worse and worse, we were engaged but I'm so pleased now that we didn't get married.

You need to get this sorted before you marry him. He's not pulling his weight and he needs to.

SodiumNitritePlease · 17/12/2025 21:58

Minjou · 17/12/2025 21:57

You can't tell him he can't take the job, obviously. But you can, and should, tell him that you have already facilitated his career too much already and you will not be making any changes to facilitate this new job.
Let him work out how HE would make this new job work out without your input. Then discuss it.

Good post

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/12/2025 21:57

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:51

I think I see this more now, I'm slightly older and experienced in life.

Which I think is why I absolutely don't think its fair now, and I genuinely don't think I'm unreasonable but I wanted to get other views.

The surgery i need is also going to be a few months recovery time and I'm worried he would still go off 2 days a week when I'm in recovery.

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I actually missed the full extent of his laziness / uselessness....
I agree with dozer. He now expects this and its a baseline.

And you are right to be concerned about your surgery. He wont take a day off for a sick child so I expect he will just bugger off and leave you to "manage".

If my dh wanted a job like this i know he'd be giving me lies in on Saturday/ batch cooking a few kids dinners at the weekend / generally being on my team....

What you describe makes me feel claustrophobic... I just couldnt marry a man like this... it's a hard road you're choosing to walk down...

Minjou · 17/12/2025 21:57

You can't tell him he can't take the job, obviously. But you can, and should, tell him that you have already facilitated his career too much already and you will not be making any changes to facilitate this new job.
Let him work out how HE would make this new job work out without your input. Then discuss it.

Original poster

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:51

Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:47

I don’t respect fathers who don’t do any of the main weekday parenting.

You’re unwise to have facilitated it, possibly to the direct detriment of your work and wellbeing. He’s had 5 years of being facilitated and wants more.

I think I see this more now, I'm slightly older and experienced in life.

Which I think is why I absolutely don't think its fair now, and I genuinely don't think I'm unreasonable but I wanted to get other views.

The surgery i need is also going to be a few months recovery time and I'm worried he would still go off 2 days a week when I'm in recovery.

OP posts:

MeridaBrave · 17/12/2025 21:49

Discuss with him that it’s only doable with a nanny and is it worth the investment??

Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:48

But that’s primarily on him, not you. Selfish.

Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:47

I don’t respect fathers who don’t do any of the main weekday parenting.

You’re unwise to have facilitated it, possibly to the direct detriment of your work and wellbeing. He’s had 5 years of being facilitated and wants more.

Original poster

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:42

Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:42

What share of weekday parenting did he do with your DC1?

None

OP posts:

Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:42

What share of weekday parenting did he do with your DC1?

Original poster

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:40

IceIceSlippyIce · 17/12/2025 21:34

If you dropping one day would cost 17k you earn 85k? And he is the higher earner??
If he wants the job, throw some money at it. You have plenty of it. Being miserable at work is sole destroying.

DH has done various amounts of travel. At its worst - on a job that was supposed to be 5 miles up the road - I was at home with a 6 week old and a 2 year old 4 nights a week. You find a way to make it work.

Hes under 100k , but earns slightly more . But yes we could afford it , but are trying to get rid of quite a lot of debt , had a big house move and mat leave recently etc . We've only both starting earning this over the last few years .

He enjoys his job , he's genuinely not miserable. He also hates going into the office so I think he would end up miserable here...

I think we could make work , but we don't need to make it work . He just fancies a bit more money that we don't really need .

We also live in a city with other easy links to another major city, he hasnt actually looked at for a job he just got offered this. I'm sure he could get a job in either city for the same amount of money

OP posts:

IceIceSlippyIce · 17/12/2025 21:34

If you dropping one day would cost 17k you earn 85k? And he is the higher earner??
If he wants the job, throw some money at it. You have plenty of it. Being miserable at work is sole destroying.

DH has done various amounts of travel. At its worst - on a job that was supposed to be 5 miles up the road - I was at home with a 6 week old and a 2 year old 4 nights a week. You find a way to make it work.

toomuchfaff · 17/12/2025 21:31

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:02

He absolutely would not support me , no. My mum has to come over to help with the kids when I'm in London, maybe I would feel diffrent then . He also only started his current job in March (promotion) and is enjoying it . I also do support him , our baby was in NICU for a good while when born and he didn't want to take any extra leave from work due to trying for this promotion which I 100% supported in. In almost 6 years he's had to take one day off sick with the kids , I do it all . I just feel me doing all schools , compressing hours , sick days and then this . Might impact my career and mental health .

Someone else asked about his days, apparently they change weekly i did suggest the Wednesday and Thursday which it would be some weeks and not others . I'm assuming this depends on meetings etc. But obviously this would have helped.

Edited

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Why are you marrying a man who doesnt support you, who doesnt see your family as 50/50 responsibility? If he can consider taking the job because the house and kids is your responsibility?

Original poster

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:30

Sorry I didn't mean to drip feed , but was trying to keep it short . But yes in short my career has taken a hit , while I support his doing the bulk of childcare. He will do childminder pick up 2 days a week (well is meant to be he hasnt started yet). While I do all school runs, condense hours working late nights etc , cover sick days , sort when the kids are off school , all the mental load , 90% of house work (we do have cleaners a couple of house ' but have 2 kids and 2 dogs !).

If im in London my Mum/ brothers will do pick up .

I absolutely don't mind doing the hours fitting round the kids etc. But I do feel like this might stress me out too much. I'm not moaning about my children , I just think the balance will become even less fair . I have said to him not sure we'd make it if he took this job . He can't see why.

OP posts:

SpinningaCompass · 17/12/2025 21:27

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 20:53

He hasn't said he will take it. And quite frankly I would not be able to take the job he has been offered as the house wouldn't work with me away 2 days a week. So I'm not sure why it should be any diffent for him .

If you have a family it's a family decision. Not just your decision. Noone is telling anyone what to do clearly we are going to discuss it .

That is exactly what you should spell out to him: YOU couldn't take such a job at this stage in your family life because it wouldn't work for the family. He has the same responsibilities to your family that you do, and you are not there solely to pick up his slack at home for his unnecessary job CHOICE. And it is a choice, not a necessity, a choice right now. He has a good job that pays well and works for the family without hanging you out to pick up his fair share.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/12/2025 21:27

beAsensible1 · 17/12/2025 21:08

With this context i understand your concern and it’s seems like bringing even more logistics and work in your part with not even enough financial gain to pay to sort.

I think you can state this to him and let him know that you are at the top of your manageable load and can’t take more.

if the role is worth it he has to take the hit financially and pay for the nanny to cover the time he’s away.

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Yeah i agree with this.

Ideally I'd ask him to decline if he wont and
claims he realllllly wants it the deal would be.... he needs to pay for the level of childcare you deem necessary.... even of that means a pay cut (you wont "do more" to facilitate this) and is he happy with that?

My dh had a similar red flag job offer.
I said no its not right for the family.
i was cleae if he wasn't happy I'd support him leaving the current role and help find / apply/interview for other things but this was not the right role.
It took a lot of convincing as he was unhappy in his job at the time, was flattered by the attention and thought it was some silverbullet .....

Separately are you sure you do want to marry?
Given your families wealth and his lack of engagement in parenting ypu might be better off keeping finances separate

Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:17

OK from your drip feed post it seems clear that he’s already a ‘facilitated’ man and wants to take that even further. To be a parent but work like he isn’t. It’s not reciprocal. He is prioritising himself and his personal career and earnings over you and your DC.

It’s not in your interests to continue like this and facilitate him in his next work option -which is an option not something he ‘needs’ to do.

Stop drafting your mum in on ‘his’ days.

GooseOnMyGrave · 17/12/2025 21:13

Also, what nanny does he think to find that is happy to change her days every week? If the overnight is not set in stone, you won’t be able to find ad-hoc childcare.

SodiumNitritePlease · 17/12/2025 21:11

Bearbookagainandagain · 17/12/2025 21:08

YANBU, and in my opinion you can absolutely tell he cannot take the job.

He decided to have children, therefore he cannot take a job that will not allow him to assume his share of responsibilities as a parent.

Personally, I didn't sign up to be my husband's nanny whilst he's at work.

Edited

I think they need to discuss how it would work and come to the conclusion together if it is untenable for family life rather than one party dictating whether he takes the job or not.

Bearbookagainandagain · 17/12/2025 21:08

YANBU, and in my opinion you can absolutely tell he cannot take the job.

He decided to have children, therefore he cannot take a job that will not allow him to assume his share of responsibilities as a parent.

Personally, I didn't sign up to be my husband's nanny whilst he's at work.

beAsensible1 · 17/12/2025 21:08

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:02

He absolutely would not support me , no. My mum has to come over to help with the kids when I'm in London, maybe I would feel diffrent then . He also only started his current job in March (promotion) and is enjoying it . I also do support him , our baby was in NICU for a good while when born and he didn't want to take any extra leave from work due to trying for this promotion which I 100% supported in. In almost 6 years he's had to take one day off sick with the kids , I do it all . I just feel me doing all schools , compressing hours , sick days and then this . Might impact my career and mental health .

Someone else asked about his days, apparently they change weekly i did suggest the Wednesday and Thursday which it would be some weeks and not others . I'm assuming this depends on meetings etc. But obviously this would have helped.

Edited

Show quote history

With this context i understand your concern and it’s seems like bringing even more logistics and work in your part with not even enough financial gain to pay to sort.

I think you can state this to him and let him know that you are at the top of your manageable load and can’t take more.

if the role is worth it he has to take the hit financially and pay for the nanny to cover the time he’s away.

Dozer · 17/12/2025 21:05

So you’d do everything you do now and nanny for ‘his’ days? Plus cover more sick days (noting that your 1 yo is about to start childcare, which will likely mean lots of bugs)

Few fathers support their wife doing this.

If he is a high earner he has other work choices.

Original poster

Hercthro · 17/12/2025 21:02

Prelim · 17/12/2025 20:58

If I wanted to take a job like that, my husband would be 100% behind me. It’s so important to have a job that excites and challenges you. Taking the hit for a nanny for a bit would be fine for us due to the potential gains. If it doesn’t work for you, then fair enough, but it needs to be properly discussed and not just shut down. Would he really not support you taking a job like that?

He absolutely would not support me , no. My mum has to come over to help with the kids when I'm in London, maybe I would feel diffrent then . He also only started his current job in March (promotion) and is enjoying it . I also do support him , our baby was in NICU for a good while when born and he didn't want to take any extra leave from work due to trying for this promotion which I 100% supported in. In almost 6 years he's had to take one day off sick with the kids , I do it all . I just feel me doing all schools , compressing hours , sick days and then this . Might impact my career and mental health .

Someone else asked about his days, apparently they change weekly i did suggest the Wednesday and Thursday which it would be some weeks and not others . I'm assuming this depends on meetings etc. But obviously this would have helped.

OP posts:

Prelim · 17/12/2025 20:58

If I wanted to take a job like that, my husband would be 100% behind me. It’s so important to have a job that excites and challenges you. Taking the hit for a nanny for a bit would be fine for us due to the potential gains. If it doesn’t work for you, then fair enough, but it needs to be properly discussed and not just shut down. Would he really not support you taking a job like that?