To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

I'm sorry but I'd be leaving, he really doesn't sound like he cares about you, he's mugging you off.

It’s a no from me!

Clearly selfish to the hilt and a parent in name only! Cba to raise his kids but will gladly take the title of dad.

You must be exhausted! You are sacrificing so much

@Rockchick01 You’re right, and my own (good) father was in the forces for part of my childhood. I had in mind the stereotypical model of parents living together all the time, working, or local to each other if separated but co parenting.

SAHM is fair enough and has pros and cons. Plenty of fathers who are the sole earner in the household still do at least a bit of weekday parenting.

‘my husband’s job would not have allowed part time’ Strange how fathers almost never say that about their wife’s job and decide to SAH, almost always morhers.

I was just about to say this. There’s no way my husband would consider a a new job we didn’t need the money for if it would potentially jeopardise a major surgery I was planning with his medical insurance. It sounds insane.

Sorry OP but do you even like your husband at the moment? From your updates of him it doesn’t sound like he’s stepping up to being a parent or a husband. Kids are hard especially the younger years and sacrifices have to be made - you can’t have it all, all the time unfortunately. Unless he has a completely different idea of what your life looks like you’re making all the sacrifices - as youce stated career / financially / mental load/ housework currently and he wants to be away even more for a job that he’d like but wouldn’t materially add any more to your life once you had to increase Nanny’s hours. He’d also miss seeing his kids for 2 days a week every week.

Really struggling to see his argument here - YANBU - would be a firm no from me but my DH wouldn’t ask this of me

Postpone making a decision until after your surgery. You know it will be covered by his current medical insurance. Also, decide that you are going to take a couple of weeks off entirely, maybe go to stay with your mother. Your DP can spend some time being completely responsible for childcare and running the home. Your career is being compromised enabling his, why should you be the only one working early and late etc

My opinion is you can’t dictate to someone what job hey can and can’t do however I don’t understand why you had another child with a man who doesn’t help look after his first child and why are you marrying a man who thinks his job and opinion trumps yours?

Ah make sure he checks it out first and gets in writing they will cover. Our new medical insurance wouldn’t cover an acute problem as I knew about it for 2 months before we changed provider

He needs to find out if the new insurance plan is medical history disregard (MHD), which is what most larger employers offer. If it is, your op should be covered but this is something important that HE enquires about and gets answers to before jumping ship.

Another poster had made a really good point that seems to have been missed.
Try finding a nanny that will work only 2 days a week but different days every week, won’t be able to take on other clients or fit in around her own children/other commitments, who would go for that??
Make him find them before he accepts the job.

Its not doable without you picking up a lot of his slack.
Your youngest is still only a baby.
You need to make your case very strongly that it’s not acceptable for him to take this job to the detriment to your family for no financial gain even, it’s a pointless exercise.
If he does take it, that will be communicating very clear to you how he feels about you, your career and your wellbeing.

Surely the medical insurance is reason enough for him not to leave right now?!! Never mind all the other additional work that will fall to you! You’d be better off without him, never mind marrying him!

is your DH new job with same employer? If you have to change private medical providers, they will consider it a pre existing condition and not cover.

Sometimes, even when you break even, it's better for your career progression. That may be how he's looking at it.

He should pay for the nanny or of his pay increase.

From a monetary point of view, would it be worth paying for a nanny in the longterm? However, the main issue is how much this would impact on your quality of life.

It does seem like a wider issue with lack of communication and mutual respect in your relationship OP. That’s not impossible to change but you both have to be willing to put in the work and it seems that your partner has no incentive to do that as everything works in his favour as it is.
Does he even appreciate that an unfair proportion of the family workload already falls on you?

Hear hear.

My DH wouldn’t take a job that made me unhappy, no. We’ve been there, done that with that situation.

We would however accept a job that meant sucking up the extra money in the short/medium term if it meant a better career trajectory. But we’re both quite money orientated.

That’s seems very unfair on some fathers, and some mothers. I was happy to be a SAHM, and my husband’s job would not have allowed part time, nor could we afford it. He is a very good dad. Stop shaming people’s choices.

So you’ve no respect for those fathers who are in the forces?

Plus he needs to do that ready for when you have surgery and he needs to step up

He needs to start doing half the childcare and housework to facilitate you working more, otherwise what happens if you drop your hours to facilitate this job and then he loses it? Happens a lot. Also, frankly, if he doesn’t want to parent then what’s the point? You wouldn’t have the little support you have now, and many nannies / nanny shares require you to know what days you need, as it will vary you may be to pay extra to ensure all potential days are covered. Plus the new job would require him to be in the office, which you say he dislikes. Honestly it sounds like he is just finding reasons not to be a father or partner.

Yes you should. You can’t TELL him what to do.
Discuss and reach a joint decision.