To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

So she should use her fathers money to fund her partners (not husband) career as well as taking on the extra work it will leave her with AND jepodising her operation, all things he wouldn't do for her?! And this is all so Mr Big Bollocks can just take a less family friendly job hes suddenly decided he fancies. What a batshit crazy suggestion.

This man is fundamentally selfish and sees himself as the most important person in your family. That's not husband (or father) material.

I'm so much happier. Broke, because Iwe made financial decisions with a modest inheritance inheritance which meant it went quickly while kids were small to avoid huge lifestyle alterations with the joint expectation we would prioritise replacing it once they were both out of nursery, but we split before then so it's gone and I've had to suck it up, which is galling to say the least! But him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But please don't tie your finances to him just yet. If he doesn't respect you enough to have a sensible conversation when you're talking about things like this job he's got no intent of being fair down the line.

The PP who suggested you watch pre/post op behaviour closely without telling him is giving very good advice.

Anything less than him taking minimum 2 weeks leave (annual leave if needed/can't afford unpaid leave) to take care of you and the kids, and arranging full time childcare beyond that until you're back on your feet isn't good enough. I predict he will try and rope your mum in from day 1 to look after the kids, expect you to fend for yourself/ your mum to do that as well and if you dare try and raise it he'll be telling you he needs to work to keep a roof over your heads and he's sorted out the kids and that you're being unreasonable and completely ignores what YOU need from your fiancé.

OP you absolutely cannot marry this man. His laziness will grind you down over time. You earn a good wage, you have little to benefit from getting married. Make him step up, and refocus on your career and your health. Do not facilitate him.

Take note of his he steps up (or not) while you’re recovering. This will be a huge test for him.

Your update changes things, he sounds selfish and a bit shit.
It's give and take, which means him also being prepared to make sacrifices to further your career/ support your job. As this is something he would not do, why should you be expected to just do it for him. I see he's not going to take the job. Perhaps going forward he can stop viewing you as the default parent. You both work.

I've made my point clear and he is finally in agreement it wouldn't work , we wouldn't even break even with a Nanny (as ive said id need one 9-6 2 days a week ) as currently we can claim 30 free hours for Childminders. It's illogical.

This is good news, he can’t leave it all to you

having read all the updates, stand your ground. You already do way more than he does, so definitely do not sacrifice a day’s income per week for him to earn more and do even less than he does now. He does need to pull his weight more.

Honestly watch his behaviour pre and post surgery closely and dont tell him you are watching it. It will tell you a lot.
Good behaviour is easy to fake short term.

Good luck with your surgery - I recently had one in similar circs (private surgeons in nhs theatre). Bring long phone cable, lots of decent snacks (nhs food is dire vs private).... and if you wake in recovery and feel pain no matter how mild.. tell them and they will top you up so you are comfy. (i can see how fentanyl is addictive!).

You dad sounds (bluntly) affluent and kind.
If you didnt marry / did separate and needed finanical help im sure he'd support you with logistics.

If you do push it back dont rebook (it puts a clock on it)

You should also really think about what happens if (& sorry for this) the timeline goes something like you marry, your father passes away within a couple of years, 5/10 years in he cheats / hlupuve had enough / whatever. Do you really think a man who puts himself first THIS much will be happy to let you walk away with millions more than him?

“The Nanny would cover the days he is currently meant to be going to a childminder so it would be the same days every week.”

How does this help you when his work away days are different from nanny/childminder days?

All it does it save the drop off pick up on those days. Presumably nanny would be working from your home so could end up being more work for you with baby under the same roof?
whats the plan for when he’s away and you’ve got a full time job and a baby to look after?

He sounds like a selfish entitled man.
Speaking from experience sometimes when you’re doing it all anyway it’s easier to do it alone.

@NumbersGuy, I'd like to thank you. People are rarely willing to illustrate what they mean by misandry. If I'm reading you right here, it's man-hating to suppose men should take joint and equal responsibility for their families' wellbeing? That care of his home and children falls to the woman, whose role is to facilitate his chosen lifestyle?

In this case, you seem to feel it's right that her father also facilitates the man's choices. Unsure how that squares with an anti-misandry position, but never mind.

Oh OP, you have far bigger issues than the job. I'm currently divorcing one of these. I had similar concerns to you prior to the wedding, I had an op and needed support after and had to move back to my mum's for a week because he 'couldnt' take the time off. I convinced myself it would change.. It didn't.

I did every single sick day for the kids up until we split, every doctor/dentist/school meeting/kids party, got very little support after either birth, he would make plans and just assume I would cover the kids but wouldn't reciprocate. I did all hospital stays and a&e visits for the DC - he would text repeatedly to see how long we would be and complain about the wait. I had to ask him to drop me to minor injuries for stitches once and I had to wait for his lunch break and it was still made clear it was an inconvenience. I got a taxi back.

I eventually put myself first and changed job for my own sanity and happiness, he said he was supportive and would pick up more slack with the kids, but in reality it lasted the whole of 10 weeks before his head was turned by someone at work 15 years his junior and threw our marriage away for a 6 week fling.

We now co-parent, he is having to flex his hours around the kids and run a house, and miraculously, his workplace hasn't burnt to the ground without his 24/7 presence. They can do it, they just don't respect us enough to put themselves out.

I'm only telling you this to highlight that while I know the idea of leaving now is hard, it's easier than living with what's to come. Strongly consider postponing the wedding OP. His reaction to you explaining you have serious concerns and need things to change before you can consider marrying him will tell you all you need to know. Your life would be so much easier with his maintenance payment and the ability to build a routine that suits you.

I would not be facilitating it. Sounds like you have already done lots of compromise and sacrifice. He sounds selfish and not a team player

So OP, why are you with him if things are that horrendous that he doesn't like dealing at all with child care. He doesn't do anything around the house to help since you said you do 90% of it. He's looking to make your life more horrifying if he takes this other job, so why are you still with him? I have seen nothing but negative comments from you that all he's concerned with is his own career. It makes no logical sense to do nothing but ranting about him but you're not sold on being independent from him. BTW, I'll also cherry pick on a few key details you mentioned, since that's what posters love to do besides their .

I think we could make work , but we don't need to make it work . He just fancies a bit more money that we don't really need.

We both earn enough that we don't have to watch money each month, but as i said are getting some debt down right now. While more money would be nice, we live well and it's absolutely not needed . I would rather a good quality of life. And he could earn more money soon anyway. If we needed the money even for more luxuries I'd understand, but we genuinely don't.

As I've said we don't need the money. We are extremely lucky that my Dad pays for multiple family holidays a year, he even gives us money for (both of us) for shopping trips.

So since nearly 98% of the misandrist posters here are complaining that he's not worth anything, don't you think the extra money would be better served he would make to help pay down the debt? All of the "multiple family holidays a year" and "shopping trips" for you both you receive from your father could be put towards a nanny? Mind you of course who would think you're relying on your father for all of these luxuries - that's just neither here nor there. I'm sure you'll be much happier without him, so best of luck and just ignore the plans for March. As well I'm sure you'll find a reasonable insurance to cover your medical needs too - since how he's been treating you all of this time needs to be stopped since he has no redeeming qualities as you continue pointing out on the thread postings.

Don’t marry him op. He has contributed very little to your life and stands to gain an awful lot from you. It’s all take take take from him. Marriage only benefits him. You will not benefit from marrying this man in anyway. Mark my words.

You have a wealthy father who you stand to inherit from and you do not want this man, who is not a loving, equal partner and father to receive a penny of this. He does not deserve and has not earned the right to take anything. You need that money for yours and your children’s future, why reduce the amount you have/will have for a man that has not brought you any relief or support.

Marriage is not about love or fairytales, it is a financial contract and people do not appreciate this enough. Marriage will not change the emotional or practical side of your relationship in anyway, it will not make you or him feel any different, it will not suddenly make him into a responsible and respectful husband and it won’t make a jot of difference to how you operate in the world or how others view you. The only difference it will make is that you will be sacrificing your future and your children’s future for a man who would not and has not done the same.

I’m sorry if this is blunt and harsh but it’s the truth. Even without the financial aspect, I’m sorry to say that 99% of marriages I have observed have not benefited the women and in fact have been detrimental to her physical, emotional and financial wellbeing. I see almost all the men thriving and benefiting from marriage and almost all the women experiencing negative consequences. I am sure there is the odd outliers, but the woman I see thriving and winning at life are single, with or without children. I am married op so not some bitter singleton. Your relationship is already full of red flags and adversity, getting married will not solve this.

You aren't remotely ranting 😕 I hope you haven't internalised some idea that rationally describing a problem is 'ranting'.

I agree with PPs that you seem to have got yourself a 'lord of the castle' type partner, who sees the family revolving around him and feels it only right and fair that he puts in exactly as much as he's prepared to, no more.

I'm sorry to be saying this, as you seem to have been happy with the status quo. His proposed job change has highlighted that the happy situation is maintained by you, keeping all the balls in the air. He doesn't care how you do it - and the demands of your operation will likely bring this to crisis.

You earn well in your own right and you currently have your own money, too. I'd like to think I'm being far too cynical if I ask whether the wedding date was set after you'd inherited or your trust matured, whatever it was? While you give yourself space to evaluate this relationship, I'd advise against converting your finances to shared marital assets.

He is a selfish bastard.
Make sure he knows you know that.
Apart from stroking his ego and absolving himself of EVEN MORE parental and household and partnership support, what else is to be gained from taking this job?
I repeat. He is a selfish bastard.
I would definitely be rethinking the marriage and I would be telling him so.

hes being selfish if he takes this job, you’re not being unreasonable in expecting more support from him at home. Especially with a full time job yourself and such young children.

He is sounding more and more like a selfish pig OP. Make sure you have joint ownership of all the assets as you aren’t married at the moment in case you do decide to split up. You do everything at the moment anyway so why stay with someone with so little kindness and consideration of you?
You never know, it might be the kick up the arse he needs to change and actually do his share.

and if he asks again say is he really telling you the relationship is over? That what you hear, because he’s not listening to you. Why don’t you go visit your mum and tell her we are probably breaking up because you don’t want to be here for your family.

That makes it a no fucking way. The conversation goes ‘you’ve never supported me to travel even occasionally with work, I rely on my mum. your even asking here says to me you think this relationship is about supporting you. I have always supported your career more than you’ve supported mine and this is a step too far. I don’t support this, and I think you should start sharing the time home with sick kids to support my career for a change because I feel like a mug you’re completely taking for granted.’

You'll probably have thought of this, but could any friends and family help when the kids are young? Could you both really think about this? Sometimes the immediate answer isn't the true one (like when friends end up sharing childcare for eth first time, because they'd never needed to think of it before).He might have friends who share childcare, it might be his mum or dad is thinking of retiring soon.
Yes you have to think about the here and now, but if long term this will benfit your family, make sure you both fully explore all options.

You say the money is a nice to have not essential, so I would go for the nanny. Because the job isn’t just about the money, you say it’s a more exciting job and could it lead to better things in the future?