To say my DP can't take a job offer ?

Might be a loan for a specific thing, like an extension. OP says they are saving £1200 each month as well, so unlikely to be in debt due to living costs.

Don't marry this man without changes.

You earn, you have family wealth and you do all the childcare and housework. Sure, he's bringing more money in, but sounds like you'd manage without that.

It's clear you need him to pull his weight. After all, we all know that working in an enjoyable role is more rewarding than the general trudge of drop offs, appointments, mopping the floor, doing laundry etc.

You should discuss a what an equal split looks like. Otherwise he might as well move out, with a discussion around co-parenting and child support. Because it sounds like that would make your life simpler.

I'm a bit confused about how it wouldn't work. You say he doesn't do any childcare, you do all the school runs? He will just be picking up baby from childminder at 6? You will already have school aged child in your care from around 3/4pm so why couldn't you still use the childminder? Is it that you don't drive and the childminder is in another area?

We are extremely lucky that my Dad pays for multiple family holidays a year, he even gives us money for (both of us) for shopping trips.
We both earn enough that we don't have to watch money each month, but as i said are getting some debt down right now

How on earth are you in debt?

I definitely didn’t mean that. As I also highlighted how sensible it is to keep her focus on her future career. I simply meant was this an opportunity that could create greater opportunities in future. They can both build careers but the difficulty is that can mean the need for paid help.
It has to work for both parties though.

Well here's the issue, you're doing a disproportionate amount of childcare, house stuff etc. That's what needs to be sorted. This job offer seems like the tip of the iceberg. If me or my DH got this offer, we'd make it work but we share everything evenly. And it's bizarre your mum has to help him when you're not there. He's an adult and a parent, get on with it.

This is a very good point. Marriage might not be the best move for you financially Op!

Before marrying, given your family wealth you should think hard about financials and likely scenarios and what is best money wise for you. If your dad will likely leave you a lot and you can maintain your earnings and pension marriage might not be best.

Beware the line of thinking that anything less than his ideal preferences regarding work will be ‘bad for his mental health’, rather than just him not getting what he wants.

Can you explain why she needs to prioritise his career prospects over her own?

Some women are happy to put their partner's/husband's career first, and do everything at home and with the DC to facilitate this.
They are still a team, and there can still be mutual respect, if this is a joint decision to live their married lives this way.
Just because a man doesn't do 50/50 of everything at home, it doesn't mean he is useless, lazy, a terrible father, or not acting as a team. It all depends on what the couple both want and what they agree together.

But some women don't sign up to this. They don't want to do most of the housework and childcare by default. They don't want to sacrifice their career for his. And some men just assume that this is what women should do (often because that is what their mothers did) - it is never properly discussed and agreed. So he just dumps the housework and childcare on his wife, prioritises his career, then is surprised when she is unhappy.

@Hercthro Because of your own family history when you were a child, you are rightly very wary of not having a 'proper' career for yourself and depending on a man to support you. Yet your DP is one who sees no problem with you depending on him. He wants a wife that will prioritise and facilitate his career.

This is a fundamental incompatibility, which will take a LOT of ongoing discussion, which will need to be re-visited again and again over months and years. It need not spell the end of the relationship, but it will require him (and you) to learn and change and grow beyond your childhood conditioning.
Beware - some people are not interested in personal growth.

Add in your family's wealth and likely inheritance, and it does seem that marriage is a very bad idea.
Never forget, marriage is above all a financial contract.

I think you need to consider his longer term career prospects. Would the new company give him greater chance of promotion, expanding his role etc. kids aren’t small forever and longer term would this benefit you all?

Agreed that the juggle sounds stressful. Definitely don’t reduce your hours, see if you can get additional help that works for you too? Your plan to keep focused on your earning potential and future is absolutely sensible. It’s always a tricky balance.

I think you are mad marrying this man. He doesn’t view you as a team / unit already and he’s not going to change

Sounds like he's not doing a great deal as it is, so you might as well get the benefit of more money in to the household.

‘Sometimes people aren’t compatible’ is such a male apologist statement for ‘some men are so entitled they aren’t happy with anything less than being prioritised over their partner and children’ and ‘some women get so bloody fed up with being taken for granted, unsupported in parenting or their career by shit men’

You say he’s agreed that the new job is not feasible but bloody hell, I wouldn’t be sticking around with him. You are making all the sacrifices and ‘grunt’ work right now and he is being selfish and lazy at home. How unattractive.

I suspect the resentment you both feel is going to kill this marriage, he will now feel huge resentment for you, as this is just a stepping stone for him, and you feel huge resentment to him already. You are not a team at all

i howvwe do think you need the money, you’re in debt, not living to your means and having your father step in and pay for extras.

im sorry, but two people who can’t work together, make it work, but compete and resent each other, won’t make it long term. I think you both need fi have a long hard think about the marriage and see if as a positive it will be delayed.

somefimes people just aren’t compatible when the chips are down.

This is the exact set up for our household.

Althoigh it’s only one night away, it feels like more. My partner isn’t home for 48 hours every week, as he leaves at 6am on a Weds and gets home 10pm Thursday. So that’s two days and the kids don’t see him. I’m imagining this would be the same for you?

it also then spills into extra days here and there, or weekend events. These aren’t in his contact per se but he wouldn’t be able to do his job without attending them.

i would read your partners contract and new job description, and work out realistically how many days he will be away per month.

It means I can only have a part time job, as because I am around so much more than him the kids come to me rather than him and I know the house set up / running / all the school stuff much better. So I do absolutely all the childcare, household stuff, take care of the dog, plus work part time. It’s exhausting and our relationship is suffering. I also sort of look forward to him being away as then I’m in control of the ship and can do things how I like. Then he comes home, with his different parenting style, and the household has to adapt to a different dynamic. It’s causing a split in the house tbh.

i would not recommend unless it would make significant improvements to your income, or can be used short term for like 18 months as a career stepping stone.

Has he said to his old boss that he'd love the job but can't work away from home at this stage what with young family responsibilities. Maybe old boss wants him enough to accept this condition.

He doesn’t see why the proposed new job wouldn’t work, because it ‘not working’ wouldn’t impact him. None of this affects him because @Hercthro mops up all the impacts. I had similar, my dc’s dad would just announce that he was working or going out (even if I already had work booked, or a hobby or whatever) and go- I was left to deal with it and of course you don’t let your child suffer, which means the father never sees the real effects of his behaviour.

OP you sound very wise, and I hope your DP steps up and starts to see you as an equal person in the relationship, rather than an adjunct or an executive assistant who’s there to facilitate his work and social status. But if he doesn’t, bear in mind that being single with kids is infinitely easier than being with an unsupportive partner and kids. You end up with much less work and much more free time!

You can reduce the emotion of this by saying ‘let’s keep things the same til the kids start primary school’

if he pushes back remind him it’s only a couple of years and other opportunities will come up

@Hercthro do not marry this man. He’s not interested in being part of a family with you. He sees you as a domestic appliance, who exists solely to facilitate his life and make him look good. Being a father tends to lead to promotions for men. Not so much for women.

Even if you choose not to take the above advice - stand your ground on the job issue. It does not benefit you and will be to your detriment. A compromise would be that you reconsider in a few years time when both DC are at school And then I’d segue the conversation into the need to have a reset on family life. He needs to step up and do more.