To not believe him

Can you articulate why you don't believe him?

I agree. You need to really drill down into the reason(s) why you don’t believe him.

I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. ☹️

This doesn't make sense to me. If you know your husband and know he barely swears plus you know how toxic his workplace is, why would you not believe him? Why do you believe some random woman over him?

I don’t have any advice, @VoidIfRemoved1, just want to say I am so sorry for what you are going through. You will get through it and things will get better for you 💐

I think that none of us can completely rule out our loved ones having a side to them that we have never seen.

However, I also think that I do know roughly what that side could be in my husband. I can imagine him being incredibly unpleasant to someone and calling them a “fucking idiot” if the situation arose. I really can’t imagine him making sexual comments. Because I know him and I know his weaknesses.

Does what your husband is accused of match the worst thing you can imagine him doing?

Some of this does sound decidedly odd.

You describe an extremely stressful work situation, where other people are not up to the job and are lying about being unwell so that they don’t have to come in, and your DH is having to work over and above which he should work in order to cover for them.

You also say that you cannot believe that he would say anything like this because it’s completely out of character.

You describe that he is clearly unwell with mental health problems and he is so distressed that he is staying in bed, yet you haven’t spoken to him for a week and you think you could coerce him into stating that he did say what he’s accused of saying?

It seems to me that you do not want to believe him and you do not want to do anything that would suggest that you’re backing him or believing in him. I cannot see how you can stay together in these circumstances. No wonder Christmas is going to be grim for both of you because you’re determined not to heal a rift.

Would you expect him to believe you if you were accused of something awful and told him that you hadn’t done it?

@VoidIfRemoved1 so your DH rarely even swears, the thing he allegedly said is nothing like the language he would use, there is a history of people making false allegations yet you've told him you don't believe him??

Are you serious? It's not surprising he feels depressed!!

It's really interesting that you say you dont believe him but also that you cant imagine him saying such a thing.

He should speak to his union, or ACAS.

How long have you been with your husband? You are the person who knows your husband best. Could you imagine your husband saying an inappropriate comment to a female colleague? I'm guessing she's significantly younger? It depends on the comment obviously, but could she have taken something out of context or the wrong way? Was the comment supposedly directed at her in person? Or the comment said to someone else who told her/over heard? Could it be that the woman has an idea she's likely to be sacked and this is her revenge? No one knows on MN if your husband is lying or not, we can't answer that one. You say the comment would be out of character for your husband as he barely even swears, yet you seem convinced he's lying. There must be a reason why you think this?

I used to manage complaints like this. Sometimes the man was totally in the wrong (and there were other complaints that came out of the woodwork, from other women) - however on several occasions I had women admit they’d made up the complaints or accusations, mainly because they know it’ll help them keep their job if the man is in any position to fire them and they think their job is at risk. It’s really shitty, and as much as I’d like to think women never pull crap like this, they absolutely do.

Did you start a thread about this last week?

I've known my husband for 42 years and been married to him for 25 years.

If he was accused of making a comment to a woman so disgusting that I couldn't bring myself to type it, I would know it wasn't true and my default would not be to believe anyone over him just by virtue of being the opposite sex.

If you don't believe your husband is innocent, you must have a better reason that your 'default is to automatically believe a woman', surely?

Why dont you believe him?

"I can’t imagine him saying such a thing though. He barely swears let alone say disgusting things."

Surely you know him better than anyone, and if you cant imagine him saying such a thing, then why dont you believe him?

Is it the woman who the manager wants rid of but your DH is keeping on until can find someone new that has made complaint? If so i would guess shes got wind of the situation.

Either way your lack of support to your husband in this situation is terrible.

Any chance there’s been a formal letter to him setting out the context of what was said, where, following what confrontation (if any) just to try and add contextual clues about whether the allegation has the ring of truth to it?

I can’t really see why the allegation would be made up and attributed to your DH considering he was the one not firing her when others were gunning for her. I wonder whether a lack of motive on her part and a growing frustration with her on your DH’s part has contributed to which side you believe? In anger and high stress situations people can say truly awful things.

Was it a sexual comment or racist or offensive in a specific way? Were there any witnesses to it that you could talk to or that add weight to the colleague’s account as they corroborate it?

That sounds horrendous. Im so sorry