To not believe him

OP I’m very sorry you are going through this.
I don’t know if a lot of pps have picked up that your DH has bipolar 2, not just is depressed because of what happened and hence might do/have done something most of us would consider out of character sometimes… and the more significant fact that he’s lied to you before.
Of course the past lies are going to make you doubt him - possibly over very many things, not just this.

I never ascribe to big ideas like believing every woman or indeed that you should stand by your husband by default (not saying anyone has said those specific things).
Im sure women make up shit plenty of times just like men do and just like those employees calling in sick with hangovers.

You don’t need to say why it might be your intuition that makes you not believe him. You know you and you know him ..and none of us were the fly on the wall.

I can say that from personal experience (to counter some of the pps above referring to investigations into such matters with women making shit up.. when I reported someone who assaulted me to their employer (I was a service user let’s say) he was believed unquestionably by his colleagues. He had staff laughing at me. The female investigators laughed (during interview) and smirked at me. (The police found it less funny). I wonder what they think now that I’ve taken him through civil court (he stopped denying it by then and just pretended he couldn’t remember).

I wish there was a way for you to KNOW. There isn’t. Workplace investigations aren’t going to solve much necessarily and anyway the important thing at the moment is that you have to live with him for the near future.. what can you and he do to make that tolerable and workable?

I wish you the best OP (I’ll bow off this thread now because actually it’s “triggering” as people say for me and I have to be careful not to allow rumination to start up again. All the best.

Believe me.

Out of you and I, one of us definitely knows how I feel.

Spoiler alert: It isn't you.

Try to get him an appointment with his GP or mental health specialist. He sounds like he needs support and may also need to be signed off sick if he is not well enough to go into work atm and he is then asked to go back in. Even if he's not asked to return to work he may be asked to go in for an interview as part of an investigation and he shouldn't be pressurised to do this if he is not well enough to handle it. Contacting acas for advice is also a great suggestion, they will have seen this situation often whether the accusations are real or false.

My friends husband was once accused of something. His wife was told rather than him. He flat out denied. I'm usually the one that is the first to back a woman, and doubt a man (years of lived experience). That said, I just couldn't believe this story. There has never been a millisecond in my decades around him that he's made me or any other woman around him feel uncomfortable. His wife told him she didn't believe him. Turns out, it was all made up. By the boyfriend of the woman in question. This was proved. She felt awful that she hadn't believed him. But there are some occasions that stories are made up.

I agree. He is your husband. You should know whether he is likelyto have behaved badly. You shoukd stand by him unless you know he could be horrible,

Quite frankly I'd never believe some random woman over my husband unless I had some prior info that he was capable of what he was accused of and if it was as bad as you siggest, id bot want to be with someone like him. I don't know what your husband has supposedly said to this woman but if my husband showed me he didn't believe me or have my back, honesty the marriage would be over imo.

You really need to get to the bottom of way you feel the way you do. Honeslty it feels he's almost being set up the environment sounds so toxic at his work place. Hopefully he can clear his name and use this as a reason to get away from this horrible environment. I wish you both the best and hope you both get through this

I hate comments like this. You don't know because you're not, and I'm assuming never have been, in the OP's position. You just think you would feel that way but the reality could be very different if it were ever to actually happen to you.

If it was me, and I hadn't done anything and had told you as such, and you wilfully didn't believe me over some other persons word, any outcome of a disciplinary, I'd probably still leave you.

Poor man!

You are acting like he is guilty. You may never know the truth. All you can do for now is stand by him. Do you love him? Is he a good father?

Oh love 💔 sending you a big hug, you are not alone - keep posting here if it helps 💐

What have his parents advised him to do ?

Do they believe him ? Would he lie to them?

Go and make amends with your husband. You know for sure he's definitely and generally a good person, so have faith in that.

Do you believe he may have acted out of character and said disgusting things because of his bipolar? If so, it might be worth a trip to his GP.

On the other very very similar thread a lot of posters were suggesting early onset dementia.

Hey OP, am sorry this is happening to you and your hubby.

What concerns me is that you've not spoken to each other for a week. This is going to put mountains between you and the longer it goes on for, the harder it is to get around them.. Whatever happens with his work, you guys need to get talking. Please, is there anything you can do to get talking together?

It doesn't sound like you hubby is making it up if you say that he's been sound for some time with his meds but of course, none of us were there to see. If everything he says about work is as toxic as it seems it lends again towards him telling the truth. However, until this is investigated at work I think it's important to stick together, for at least the time being and be a team, for you and for him. If it turns out something isn't toward, you can then decide what you wish to do later.

I worry about other women too but there is no way that a female stranger would come above a male who was part of my life and who I knew to be a good person. Men are people too, with real feelings as you can see with your DH who is going through a really difficult time. Who's looking out for and worrying about your DH? He matters too.

I've bipolar and said things in the past that aren't pleasant when I've been hypomanic. (Less severe than manic) so you may not have realised this.

Your best call of action now is to get in touch with the home treatment team and ask that they pay a visit. Stand by him until you know otherwise. Can you share what he said?

If this was roles reversed and it was me (do have MH) when.....not if, when I was proven not guilty, I would be taking active steps to leave. If my own spouse doesnt have my back, who does??

For what it's worth, I think this is a malicious act and I wouldnt forgive you for not supporting me.

I'm usually inclined to believe women. But I also know my husband and if allegations were made against him I would have a good idea of what is completely false. You said you can't imagine him saying these things so I think you need to apologise and support him. It's not going to be good for either of you as individuals or as a couple if you accuse him of lying. I'd have a different response if you hadn't said you can't imagine him saying it, trust what you know of him.

The truth is that you’ll never know for sure if he did or didn’t say this as you weren’t there and it’s a he said/she said scenario.

All you can do is ask yourself if this sounds like something your husband would say and if not you have to make a conscious decision to accept he didn’t. You can’t keep toying with the question of did he didn’t he.

He sounds like he’s in a pretty bad place mentally right now and could do with your support. You need to decide if this is worth losing your marriage over and if not get by your husbands side and start supporting him.

I have said and done some awful things whilst in the depressive stages of bipolar. What I have said and done just is NOT me at all.One was quite recent over a text message so it's all in black and white and I cant take it back and I am so ashamed. My bipolar starts with mania and I have gone through some very life changing circumstances recently which set it off.

Maybe your DH has gone through some kind of trauma recently.

If he did say something , its obviously quite bad for him to be suspended. Were there witnesses or recordings? I can't see anything holding up if it was just someone's word without proof.

Hope you can both get through this and hopefully your can be more supportive to help him work out how to navigate the investigation.

At this point I think you should be worrying about what if it transpires he hasn't?

You should be supporting him until such time as there is proof that the claims are true.

If it's never proven, then why would you not trust your husband?

You know, the husband who never uses vulgar language and who you can't imagine would've done this?

What a difficult position you are in and I am so sorry.
Are his parents alive ? Can he talk to them about this ? Did he come out and tell you about this incident straight away ?
Has he ever lied before ?
Can you see a solicitor or citizens advice and go with him and support him?
I think as his wife you owe him that . See what his reaction to this idea is .