Sister in law asking we don’t do Christmas meal as dinner

OP please can I have your "picky bits" menu; it sounds perfect!

I begrudgingly shift meal times for the elderly and toddlers; both seem to like eating 'normal' main meals at 5pm; 6pm at a push but otherwise it is mostly "we're hosting; our rules".

You are just playing with words. I don't think 'refusing' is that dramatic IMO. Of course the SIL would be refusing to come if she didn't get her way - she'd be making a point. I'm sure if SIL rang them to say "I'm just choosing not to come for Christmas as your plans don't suit me" they would fall about laughing.

However, if OP had started a thread "my SIL is choosing not to come for Christmas unless we eat at a time that suits her" you'd get pretty similar replies - as I said.

The implication is that despite the fact Op is laying everything on, the SIL would like to dictate her schedule
It isn't to me. If I were asked I wouldn't infer that in the least. I just wouldn’t see a request to change the plan as important or significant as a request. Now if that person was told no and then kicked off that's a totally different scenario where the words like "dictate" would become relevant. In the lack of any further info from OP they remain hyperbole.

the person who's hosting and cooking it Get to choose the time and if that's at 6:00 AM and I'd be up and eating it at 6 Or say no thanks to the invite. She's got an absolute brass neck to try and dictate time you serve the food. Id reply and say we're doing it this time but if it doesn't work let us kn9w if you're wanting to do it yourself at home at your chosen time,

How can you not take it as ungrateful, though? The implication is that despite the fact Op is laying everything on, the SIL would like to dictate her schedule. Surely if someone was willing to go out of their way to put on a lovely spread for your family, expecting no help or financial reimbursement, they should be allowed the grace of choosing dinner time. To make it clear that your ideal schedule is known is just rude at that point tbh.
People can say "I only just asked" but that oversimplifies things. Asking = I won't be happy if it's not the case and I want you to know that and more importantly, I'd prefer if you completely change your plans to fit in with mine even though you are the one going to all the effort and expense.

This.

Personally, I like to have a traditional turkey roast around 1pm / 1.30 and then feel able to relax. People are welcome to have cold meats / buffet things as and when they want through the evening BUT if I accept an invitation to be hosted elsewhere, I do so understanding it is up to the hosts to dictate what happens when. As long as people know when they are invited, and any medical needs are catered for, then it is what it is. When we host, we get to choose to do it the way that suits us.

Whomever is kind enough to host does it their way. If it doesn’t suit you, you have the option of not coming on the day

Such dramatic language, refuse, demand, dictate...

She wouldn't be refusing, just choosing not to if it didn't suit her. If I was hosting but a guest would rather not come due to timings I'd rather at least know why so I could decide if I could fix it.

“So SIL, let me check that I have understood you correctly…. You want me to rearrange Christmas for me, DH, kids, PIL, (every other member of both sides) - You want me to rearrange the plans of X no of people just for you? Yeah…. I’m not doing that.”

I think our relaxed Christmases started theh year my Mum started making champagne cocktails late morning and everyone go so sozzled no-one could see straight let alone cook and everyone said they needed to go and walk it off first @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER ! Now champagne cocktails are very much a Christmas day tradition in our house, but maybe not quite so many.

YES.

Well yeah, she can. But maybe she likes the OP and wants to spend Christmas with them, and thought suggesting something a bit different wouldn't be an act of horror and outrage. Even though the OP clearly doesn't like her!

I wouldn't think it cheeky at all, I wouldn't even think it "not polite", and I don't think those are synonyms either. Some of the reactions on here are truly astonishing to me.

No, I don't k ow what asking means. In my world I would take someone asking entirely at face value and respond based entirely on whether it suited me or not and whether the rationale for the question was sensible.

Wouldn't be so precious about my hosting to consider it someone sticking their oar in or that anyone was trying to dictate anything to me.

Life is so much nicer when you don't take simple requests as offensive.

It's opinions not 'drama'. That would be SIL's choice if she was that bothered, and a different scenario, but I'd imagine OP would be a bit sad about it. If there was a thread "my SIL is refusing to come for Christmas unless we eat at 2" you'd get pretty similar replies.

In fact the reason we started having it later (many years ago now) instead of at the usual 3-ish, was because I’d had so much Bucks Fizz, I completely forgot the potatoes - when the turkey was coming out of the oven they weren’t even parboiled!
But as per my pp, everyone was that much more ready for it, and the turkey stayed hot with foil and a tea towel or two.

b

Only asked? You know what asking means, come on! It's outrageous whens she has nothing to do with the day's catering! I just can't get my head around people having the day laid on for them but still needing to stick their oar in! It's appalling!

In fact the reason we started having it later (many years ago now) instead of at the usual 3-ish, was because I’d had so much Bucks Fizz, I completely forgot the potatoes - when the turkey was coming out of the oven they weren’t even parboiled!
But as per my pp, everyone was that much more ready for it, and the turkey stayed hot with foil and a tea towel or two.

b

I agree, a fuss about nothing. She's asked, you can say no. Move on, end of story.

Why would she think it was okay to even ask, is my question. I wouldn't ask my own siblings to change their plans if they were hosting, never mind asking my BIL or SIL! They're the hosts. It's only one day, I can be flexible, and I'll do things their way, if I'm their guest.

It doesn't matter how polite you ask, you're still trying to control a situation you're not entitled to control!

It is super cheeky to try to dictate when Op does things while she's hosting!

A lot of drama over nothing, she only asked.

Would people complaining about the absolute cheek to demand (ask) prefer if the SIL just decided not to come rather than ask if things could be changed?

I think an early evening Xmas meal is actually much more sensible!

I’m hosting this year, all my guests are local so I’m
going to suggest a 5pm lunch so we can relax and not wake up early to book, and everyone can sta as late as they want to.

I found early Christmas lunch odd when I first when to PIL. Breakfast was a non-event - tea and a bit of toast. MIL getting stressy in the kitchen and refusing any help (FIL lovely but pretty useless) - they went to midnight Mass so she must have been knackered. Lunch around 1. Clear away and watch the Queen's speech (not something my family does) which was the only time the TV was turned on that day - and no music. Games after that until leftovers in the evening. I found it a tad boring. Also the heating was barely on, but that's another story. None of their children have followed in their tradition. My family are much more oppulent and laid back at Christmas - and wanting everone to be enjoying themselves.

I don't necessarily. I just don't think a request to consider it is rude. By the same token I don't think a polite response of "no, sorry that doesn't work is rude either".

I don't think either party is beholden to act in any particular way in what is an informal family gathering.