Sister in law asking we don’t do Christmas meal as dinner

Ummmm. No. Christmas dinner would be 6pm-7pm and I'm from up north, where we supposedly say tea. I don't know anybody who ever said Christmas Tea 😂

It needs to be one or the other, IMO. Either early enough that breakfast is out the way and it's 'lunch', or late enough that a mid-morning snack or light lunch can be had without spoiling it. We tend to go for sometime between 2 and 4 pm.

Spaghetti bolognaise is a lot easier to digest than a 3 course Christmas roast dinner

We usually have an evening meal on Christmas Day so we'll eat a light breakfast at 11 and then dinner around 6pm. It's not often we eat more than 2 meals a day even on Christmas Day. We're in our 50's - we are not able to eat as much as we used to, I'll stop eating on the first feeling of full, so I won't be bloated and uncomfortable all afternoon or all evening, I've learned my lesson. If it had to be lunch at someone else's house- we'd skip breakfast. It's not hard, we're still able to be flexible.

I think you'll find that people simply have a blow out at Christmas. We usually just have a sandwich for lunch most days and a cooked meal in the evening, but a much smaller cooked meal than a Christmas dinner (plus chocolates and other goodies).

Everyone saying it’s too big a meal for later evening, what do you normally do in a working week? Do you manage big lunches like that normally and then have small evening meals? I’m the opposite, due to having a very light lunch most days I couldn’t eat a Xmas dinner earlier than 4pm. Do people not go out for bigger meals in the evening?

I want my Xmas meal at 1pm.

I'd hate waiting till the evening so I wouldn't attend.

I wouldn't ask people to rearrange the day to suit me.

Arranging your christmas day entirely around the TV is not something I'd want to go along with - if I was visiting your house I would find the TV obsession imposing - and I'd wish that you switched it off and focused on people instead of screens - but of course I wouldn't say a thing.

If you're from certain parts of the UK 'dinner' is the meal eaten in the middle of the day, so Christmas dinner wouldn't be eaten in the evening (that would be Christmas tea or supper)

How does it waste the rest of the day???
We have ours around midday and have time to visit my mum in the afternoon (used to visit in-laws to when they were alive) then chill out in the evening with wine, chocolate and leftovers.

I haven't heard this retort for a long time. As someone who's desperately trying to shed my people pleasing tendencies, I'm bringing it back into everyday parlance.

Wow - no issue with a later dinner as such but that is a LOT of food in one day. No way I’d be eating a roast in the evening after all that. That is also a lot of pressure on guests to eat. I mean seriously, a person would need to be the size of a house for all that not to make them ill. And I would worry about seeming ungrateful if I didn’t eat something from everything you’ve provided.

When we did Christmas Lunch as an early dinner I found that in reality, a lot of people really like to watch Christmas TV and the schedule is set-up best for a Christmas lunch rather than dinner. So religious TV shows in the morning. Family-friendly cultural stuff like the ballet in the afternoon where lunch is fitted over the top of. Then family films from 3.30pm until 7ish when the big hitting Christmas specials start.

I know ‘live’ TV isn’t so important anymore but lots of people do like all the food and family obligations to be done by 7pm so they can settle into elasticated waistbands and enjoy a cosy evening.

Before children we would go for a long walk after a generous brunch of pastries and hot chocolate. Then we’d have an afternoon trip to the pub and then start cooking dinner 4.30 ish for a 6pm ish start. I learnt pretty quickly that everybody hated it and wanted to be watching Wallace and Gromit at 5pm with a full belly like the rest of the country.

Frankly, unless you have an east wing and a west wing in your home, your Christmas actually sounds pretty pretentious and too food-heavy. Don’t be surprised if some silently hate it.

We’ve moved into an earlier Christmas lunch model - although not so early that we are done by the kings speech. Everyone is much happier. I think that we have become so narcissistic as a society we’ve forgotten that being a gracious host means putting the guest’s needs first and ensuring they are having a good time - this means to your own detriment at times.

With this in mind, I’d urge you to reconsider the timings of your Christmas Day.

as a PS. I’ve just read some more of other people’s comments on here. I am genuinely shocked at what ungracious hosts everyone seems to be. ‘My house, my rules’ type attitude is for managing unpleasant things like smoking or swearing. If you’re hosting people for lunch or dinner, the polite thing to do is to find out if the timing and the dishes provided are likely to cause guests a problem. If it is likely to cause a problem, you adjust things accordingly. Why on earth would you host someone entirely in your preferred way knowing they absolutely hate it? That’s weird.

I can't imagine eating all that either, no cooked breakfast here Christmas morning (we have croissants, scotch pancakes or crumpets while everyone opens presents) Christmas dinner is at about midday, then visit family in the afternoon and if anyone is hungry at teatime they make themselves a sandwich. Eating a huge roast dinner in the evening would have me up half the night with indigestion

Your house, your rules.

When she hosts she can do what she likes.

No negotiation. Stick to this over all such matters. When I was confronted with this sort of disgruntlement from my own family years ago, I gave them the choice - mine or stay at home. Needless to say, me doing all the work and husband and I footing the bill soon changed their minds. After a decade even the simmering grumbling subsided.
I do Christmas on our own nowadays. It’s much easier to invite family for a specific meal so they don’t make unreasonable demands.

Since when did asking become dictating?

FGS she isn't dictating, she is asking.

It’s cheeky because it’s dictating to someone what they should do when they are the HOST. It’s not for her to decide. She should be grateful the OP is hosting her.

So if you could not change your plans, you simply say “thank you for inviting me to our family Christmas. However I shan’t be in attendance?” Not just a “could we do this instead? No issues if not!”

Christmas is typically done the same on repeat ‘just because’ as opposed to it being for a reason and as family grows and evolves, new partners, kids etc, it isn’t unreasonable to expect at some point in that families lifetime someone may want to shift the routine a little.

I don't think asking to shift Christmas around amongst family is the same as a friends event being planned, that you’ve been added to at the 11th hour.

Think we will agree to disagree on this one.

Have a lovely Christmas!

This is a classic case of people not communucating with each other. Why can't the OP, who appears to have disappeared, have a sensible discussion with the SIL instead of starting a post to stir everyone up?

No i simply would never expect others to change pre established plans to suit my needs. I would either decline the invitation if i couldn’t re work things to accommodate it or i would change my plans to accommodate it. Anyway OP has stated its purely because her Sil wants it at a more “ traditional” time not because of any solid reason. Its the same as when a group of friends make a plan to do something and then they add someone else to the group and already established plans who then tries to change everything to suit them better. Its the height of bad manners! I would never put my Sil in this position ( as i know she wouldn’t with me) even though i know that she would have absolutely no problem telling me no.

Does she have young kids who will struggle to stay up for a civilised candlelight evening meal? I'd adjust to accommodate kids. I expect they'd prefer pigs in blankets and roast potatoes over lobster vol au vents. But if you're all adults your plan sounds lovely and she's rude to request changing the timings.

But they aren’t expecting it, simply asking if it is a possibility.

Have you never asked to change plans or enquired about something as it may be more suitable to you? It doesn’t need to be aggressive or confrontational. A simple yes/no sufficed and everyone moves on.

If someone can’t say “sorry the timing I think works best for most so sticking as is” and truly feel really uncomfortable, why are they even hosting those people in their homes at all?

Because you are putting the host in a position of having to either say no ( which some people struggle with or are uncomfortable with) or having to change their plans. Its simply rude to expect things to work around your wishes.

SiL isn't wrong for asking but you're not wrong for refusing (your house your rules), but have you asked her reasons for wanting an early meal? Could it be she knows she'll have indigestion eating such a large meal in the evening (I know I would) We have a light breakfast (croissants, toast etc) while opening presents then Christmas dinner at about 12pm and a picky tea of leftovers if/when we get hungry (we have a large buffet on Christmas eve so there's usually plenty of picky bits left)

Do what works for you.
We do a posh breakfast then Christmas lunch and no tea. I wouldn't want to go to bed having had a big meal. It's your home though and it sounds like you enjoy it.