Sister in law asking we don’t do Christmas meal as dinner

I suppose, I have a small salad for starter and no dessert ever so I’m never too full

Imagine living your life thinking people are being sly

I don't know about sly, but passive aggressiveness seems to be a national sport. MIL is a past master at it. I prefer people to be upfront with me, but I would think anyone asking if we could change our traditional Christmas day timetable just for them was plain rude (and potentially having a PA dig). Although I'm not great at handling PA and I'm sure a lot goes over my head!

Exactly, assuming no tensions and everyone is nice: even if someone asks nicely, because they have asked the host will feel obliged to consider it because they are also nice. The fact the host has planned things down to a T for particular reasons and someone comes along saying why not do it this other way, will lead to friction. Believe me. Don’t forget this is not the sister but SIL, so not really ever going to be close enough to say that. Even a sister is at risk asking this. The host could feel criticised. Read the OP!

i think asking is taking quite a risk, some people find it rude, some don’t. Given you don’t know which side the host is on you risk being seen as rude - this is rarely a good outcome, even if they change their times - they will have you pinned as rude and imposing and likely you won’t be invited back.

I have no idea what she might wish to consider accommodating because I don't know the details of the request. I never said she needs to accommodate anything, she doesn't need to even consider accommodating anything. Doesn't make the the request rude or the refusal.

Why would what someone else thinks the timings should be trump the actual host’s? Nobody said they do. That's the point. Making a request is not requiring the request to take precedence over the original plan and certainly isn't a suggestion that the requested change trumps the original.

You choose to see a request as putting an imposition on the person being asked to do something. It isn't. You can just as easily take it at face value as an open request and decline it or even decline to consider it.

Well you’re really missing the point. Where did you get sly from exactly? Why would what someone else thinks the timings should be trump the actual host’s? Unless there’s an actual reason, like medical, or the time genuinely being completely unreasonable, you go along with the plans of the host. Certainly what I would do. I can’t see any justification here for asking.

What exactly does she need to accommodate. There’s no medical reason or small children to consider. It’s therefore unreasonable. She’s not serving dinner at 9pm lol.

I think you're not getting it MumsTheWorldYouKnow....
Imagine living your life thinking people are being sly, but they're just asking a question. People like you scare me, you hide in plain sight don't you?

No, I just disagree with what you consider the subtext of an inquiry. The inquiry could be made rudely of course but not necessarily. The act of asking, if done politely, if plans could be changed to accommodate something else is not rude in and of itself.

It is also not rude for the person asked to say no. The asking does not create an obligation on the person being asked to acquiesce.

You’re simply not getting it…

No, I'm saying believing there is a subtlety to it that insults you is a choice.

As I say, you’re not understanding the subtlety…

I choose to take questions at face value and not ascribe rudeness to them unnecessarily. Therefore if it was asked of me I wouldn't consider it rude at all and I'm not convinced at all that politely asking a question is ever rude. It certainly isn't dictating.

You don’t understand the subtlety then. Asking someone to change THEIR plans for hosting meals they are making for others, unless there are very young children involved, is rude and entitled.

I wouldn’t be happy if I had to eat Christmas dinner in the evening, I’d be trying not to eat too much all day, and then would have horrid indigestion later when trying to sleep! Yes we often have a main meal in the evening, but Christmas dinner is much bigger and richer. If I was close to my SIL I’d suggest earlier, but no I wouldn’t demand to change it if that’s what they prefer. I’d try to host next year!

When she hosts she decides

I prefer to eat at lunchtime too (about 2pm), but I would never ask someone else to do it my way - when in Rome and all that!

TEAM SIL depending…

Sadly, your plan wouldn’t work for me OP as I prefer to eat my main meal around lunchtime/early afternoon. If I eat my main meal later in the evening, I end up feeling very ill with digestion problems.

I cook a meal for DS and myself and eat mine late afternoon. DS eats around 7pm and DH eats a separate meal he sorts himself around 9pm every day. It is a pain that we never eat together but at least I don’t inconvenience anyone else.

As you’re a decent host, I think it’s worth finding out why she wants to eat earlier. If it’s just because they’ve always done it that way, then you should stand firm, with your planed day as it’s perfectly reasonable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

However, if she suffers from a digestive issue like me, I think you should discuss it further and try to find a solution that she can cope with. If I was your SIL, I’d eat more food around lunch time then probably have a tiny side plate of vegetables at dinner just to be sociable.

Do people still bother watching live TV these days? I haven’t done that at Christmas since the 80’s and Morecombe and Wise Xmas specials. 😂

Tell her to jog on. I also enjoy having a nice breakfast (although nothing as fancy/indulgent your in laws do!) and snacking on other treats so usually none of us are ready for dinner until 4/5pm. I can’t imagine having to rush to produce a dinner for 2pm! Maybe that works for some families and that’s fine, but you are hosting so you do what suits you.

In this case, it’s because the SIL thinks a Christmas lunch is more traditional. I’d be very embarrassed to suggest to my host that they alter the day, simply because I thought it more traditional to eat at 12.
As a host, I’d accommodate children needing to eat at certain times, people needing to eat for medical reasons and of course, dietary restrictions. I absolutely wouldn’t accommodate someone’s asinine whims and I don’t think that makes me a bad host. It’s my Christmas too.

That’s why you talk about it in advance. I’m not a TV person either and encourage games and conversation but a lot of people do plan their day by the TV. As long as I know I can account for it. I agree, if you’re hosting a few people for Christmas it IS hard work making sure everyone’s needs are met as much as possible. That’s why it’s a task worthy of gratitude and not a task to be taken-on lightly. Inviting others to sit-in on what you are definitely going to do your way come-hell-or-high-water, isn’t really hosting.

If there are a few different people wanting different times then there will need to be a compromise finding a time that works for most, and maybe someone will be disappointed. There is sometimes not a perfect answer. Nonetheless, the hosts preference is immaterial.

I’ve had to push things back to allow for guests travel, bring things forward to allow for children’s bed times and serve in a very precise window because of diabetes and I’m glad my loved ones feel close enough to let me know what they need.

If it makes no material difference to the OP, I can’t see why the main Christmas roast can’t be switched with the lunch and a lighter breakfast consumed (probably sensible anyway).

Sure, the ideal guest is easygoing, but if they aren’t, it’s usually for a reason important to them. Maybe it’s a me thing, but if I care enough to invite them to Christmas dinner, I also care enough to do it in a way they will enjoy. I mean, I’m sure there are limits to my goodwill, I’m not a saint, but I think the time of the main meal is totally negotiable.

Is there a reason for sail request? does Sil have younger kids?

Gosh that sounds exhausting for the person who has offered to pay for and cook a Christmas dinner. What if several of your guests had different opinions on what they wanted Xmas day to look like? How would you be the gracious host you like to be, catering to a number of different requirements? For example Aunty Carol wants dinner at 7pm but Grandma wants hers at midday? How would you accommodate every individual whim?
Where do we draw the line when it comes to guest requests? Does one person’s request trump everyone else who are in agreement with each other?

I personally think that a good guest
is easygoing and accepts the host’s schedule, because they are the ones providing the hospitality.

ETA - we’d never watch tv on Christmas Day, we’re too busy chatting and playing games. An early evening dinner works perfectly for us. Just goes to show, you can’t possibly say what most people like to do on Xmas day because everyone is different.

On Sundays we call it having Sunday Dinner at teatime.

It wouldn't work for us due to evening commitments but if you are hosting, you get the say.

We generally eat breakfast around 9am then have Christmas dinner about 3pm. In the past we have then gone to either my parent's or my brothers house for tea which is usually a buffet & eaten around 8pm. This year we have an early start on Boxing Day so will probably still do the same but be back home a bit earlier.