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AIBU?

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Original poster

Break from OH

143 replies

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 12:12

I really need to leave my partner. We have two children together, he struggles to keep a job and is in a constant cycle of looking for a new role. He has been on sick leave for months now which is little to no pay. He did start counselling for his mental health and started medication although i fear he’s lying to me. He hasn’t been taking his medication because “he forgets” and has these mood swings. He told me his counselling is arranged for after Christmas although he told another family member he had it yesterday. He isn’t doing any work on himself to improve his situation, he has nothing behind him. The house, car, everything is in my name only because I have always been stable and in work. I would be reluctant to sell the house because that’s the only time he would eventually have some money and I don’t think that’s fair on me or the kids. He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person, however I fear that with things remaining like this he will never change. I will always make sure the kids don’t go without. If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis. I don’t want to cause conflict or arguments as I don’t want either of us in a bad mood that our children pick up on. How can I best navigate my way through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 14:59

I think you’re all right. I do have a flexible job so I wouldn’t be negatively impacted with childcare as I used to do school runs myself and then head to work when he was in employment so I’m not worried about that. I do also have lots of family to call on for support if needed. We are not married, mortgage is in my name, car is in my name etc

OP posts:
Zov · 17/12/2025 14:52

Zebedee999 · 17/12/2025 14:36

Jus the mention of cannabis tells you all you need to know. He's a loser and always will be. Avoid men that take drugs especially if they spend their last £10 on it.
Appalling role model for your kids too. Kick him out.

Show quote history

This. ^ LMFAO at the poster who said a spliff is no worse than a glass of wine. FFS there's always one...🙄

The few people I know who use cannabis/smoke spliffs don't seem to be very smart people. I avoid them as much as possible, as they tend to be quite boring, don't have much interesting to say, and tend to come out with outlandish, hard-to-believe stories... 90% of the time, their stories are found to be made up, or very exaggerated.

@Wherethewildthingsar You are enabling this man and making soooo many excuses for him, that I don't think anyone on here can help you. I'm not even sure why you posted really, because you're poo-pooing all the posts from people who are giving you good advice, by saying 'oh but he's such a nice man' and 'he's such a good dad!' Seriously?!

.

Zebedee999 · 17/12/2025 14:36

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 12:12

I really need to leave my partner. We have two children together, he struggles to keep a job and is in a constant cycle of looking for a new role. He has been on sick leave for months now which is little to no pay. He did start counselling for his mental health and started medication although i fear he’s lying to me. He hasn’t been taking his medication because “he forgets” and has these mood swings. He told me his counselling is arranged for after Christmas although he told another family member he had it yesterday. He isn’t doing any work on himself to improve his situation, he has nothing behind him. The house, car, everything is in my name only because I have always been stable and in work. I would be reluctant to sell the house because that’s the only time he would eventually have some money and I don’t think that’s fair on me or the kids. He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person, however I fear that with things remaining like this he will never change. I will always make sure the kids don’t go without. If he had £10 to his name, his priority would be to spend it on cannabis. I don’t want to cause conflict or arguments as I don’t want either of us in a bad mood that our children pick up on. How can I best navigate my way through this?

Jus the mention of cannabis tells you all you need to know. He's a loser and always will be. Avoid men that take drugs especially if they spend their last £10 on it.
Appalling role model for your kids too. Kick him out.

Mumofoneandone · 17/12/2025 14:31

The situation isn't sustainable. You have to reach a point in your own mind where you realise that you have to make your partner leave, for everyone's wellbeing.
If he makes the necessary changes that he needs to make than you can potentially consider the relationship again with him. However, at the moment you are enabling him to continue to avoid treatment.
He's got mental health issues, he's smoking cannabis, can't hold down a job and is lying/avoiding counselling. You and your children deserve better.

FigTreeInEurope · 17/12/2025 14:27

A spliff on a night is the same as a glass of wine. So long as it doesn't creep into more frequently, I don't see the difference.

MatildaTheCat · 17/12/2025 14:12

I’m guessing that in some respects it would negatively impact on you if he’s currently doing a lot of childcare and household stuff? And if he leaves where would he see the DC?

A lot of people here are very black and white about these situations, this man clearly isn’t a monster but is inadequate as a partner and unable to meet your needs @Wherethewildthingsar . And that’s really the issue regarding your long term future.

Separation sounds sensible but with planning and discussions that allow for minimal disruption for your DC. For your long term happiness it needs to happen. He might sort himself out periodically but he is who he is and is unlikely to miraculously change.

Do you have other support?

Andthatrightsoon · 17/12/2025 14:06

'I really need to leave my partner.' - correct

'He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person.' - incorrect

MO0N · 17/12/2025 14:04

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 13:44

Okay - so he’s present with the kids, very involved, loving, caring, will be involved with school runs, bedtime bath time cooking etc etc so it’s not that he does nothing. But that’s what makes it harder because if he did it would be easier to end things.

And that's why he's doing it!
Keeping you sweet and under a bit of a spell so that you don't realize the extent to which you are being exploited.

MO0N · 17/12/2025 14:02

Cut yourself loose from this dead weight ASAP OP.

MumoftwoNC · 17/12/2025 13:59

BlueJuniper94 · 17/12/2025 12:43

While everyone is saying "he isn't a good Dad" I think the OP means that he is loving and engaged with his kids but obviously struggling with his own demons. With their logic a great provider financially who is cold and emotionally distant would make a better father - I disagree.

But - you shouldn't have to carry him and I can see why you are resentful.

Why is the bar so low?! Yes there are multiple ways of being a shit dad. A druggie waster OR a cold and emotionally distant earner and many other ways.

They're still shit and we wouldn't put up with it in a mother.

Crunchymum · 17/12/2025 13:56

So the house is all in your name and you aren't married?

You don't need to leave him, you need to tell him to leave.

OnceIn · 17/12/2025 13:53

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 13:44

Okay - so he’s present with the kids, very involved, loving, caring, will be involved with school runs, bedtime bath time cooking etc etc so it’s not that he does nothing. But that’s what makes it harder because if he did it would be easier to end things.

What you’ve described there is an average Mum, he’s not amazing at all.

He’s a druggie who doesn’t have a job. Raise your standards

ldnmusic87 · 17/12/2025 13:53

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 13:44

Okay - so he’s present with the kids, very involved, loving, caring, will be involved with school runs, bedtime bath time cooking etc etc so it’s not that he does nothing. But that’s what makes it harder because if he did it would be easier to end things.

No wonder he's a present Dad, he has no job and you support his lifestyle!

ldnmusic87 · 17/12/2025 13:52

He's not being a good husband or partner, you deserve better.

monkeysox · 17/12/2025 13:48

toomuchfaff · 17/12/2025 12:22

He’s an amazing dad and a kindhearted person

No hes not. Stop making excuses for him. He'd spend his £10 on cannabis, he wont hold down a job, he lies. He ISNT A NICE PERSON OR AMAZING DAD.

You are enabling him.

Bin the tosser.

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 13:44

Okay - so he’s present with the kids, very involved, loving, caring, will be involved with school runs, bedtime bath time cooking etc etc so it’s not that he does nothing. But that’s what makes it harder because if he did it would be easier to end things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 13:42

@Zov hes contributing with his sick pay which is statutory so obviously doesn’t go a long way. The kids don’t see him smoking etc so I don’t want to paint the complete wrong picture because he does do a lot in other ways. But now it’s the fact he’s actually not doing anything to improve his mental health and I’ve reached a point where I’m sick of it

OP posts:
Zov · 17/12/2025 13:32

@toomuchfaff

No hes not. Stop making excuses for him. He'd spend his £10 on cannabis, he wont hold down a job, he lies. He ISNT A NICE PERSON OR AMAZING DAD.

You are enabling him.

@JudgeBread · Today 12:46

Mate you've described a lazy, unemployed, druggie bum. That is NOT an amazing dad. It's not even an adequate one.

Raise your bar for yourself and more importantly for your children.

THIS! ^

Raise your bar @Wherethewildthingsar

I get so exasperated when I see these dreadful selfish men who smoke cannabis, have no job, (or don't work half the time,) contribute nothing good to their partner's life, never lift a finger to help, and have zero respect for her, being called an AMAZING DAD! 🙄

I picked YABU, for enabling him, and calling him an 'amazing dad' when he is clearly useless.

You know you need to leave this relationship @Wherethewildthingsar

Zov · 17/12/2025 13:31

Coalday · 17/12/2025 12:54

He's a druggy.
Your poor children.
What an appalling role model.
Of course they will fully realise the truth about him.
He contributes nothing financially and does drugs daily?
You ask him to leave.
His family are thrilled he found a mug to live off.

You and your children deserve so much better.
He needs to be told to leave.

YEP! 100% this! ^

chaosmaker · 17/12/2025 13:23

He will still be the kids dad when you kick him out. He can still do things with them but you shouldn't be supporting all of you.

Original poster
Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 13:18

@Catwalking yes this cycle seems to be constant and isn’t improving over time. The longest he’s held down a job is around 18 months max.
this is why I have to depend on myself and I’m just glad that I can still provide stability for our children

OP posts:
Catwalking · 17/12/2025 12:56

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 12:38

I don’t want to sound like I’m naive he doesn’t smoke weed all day - but late evening. But regardless, I hate him smoking it but he tries to justify it

It’s only going to get worse with age.
He has to give up, & has to have given up for at least 10 years (most would say 13yrs) before he can say he’s no longer addicted. Even ordinary cigarette smoking needs to be 7yrs, so he absolutely needs to stop yesterday.
Guess he’ll need to leave now really, to give him something to aim for once he’s clean?

Catza · 17/12/2025 12:55

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 12:51

@BlueJuniper94 exactly that. He’s very engaged and present for the kids, involved with cooking / cleaning etc. however there’s this part of him that isn’t improving and I can’t see it’s going to anytime soon. So that’s what makes it harder because he is actually a good person

But that's OK. Nobody is going to stop him being a present father for his kids. You don't need to live/be together for him to continue being involved with children.

Coalday · 17/12/2025 12:54

He's a druggy.
Your poor children.
What an appalling role model.
Of course they will fully realise the truth about him.
He contributes nothing financially and does drugs daily?
You ask him to leave.
His family are thrilled he found a mug to live off.

You and your children deserve so much better.
He needs to be told to leave.

Superscientist · 17/12/2025 12:54

Wherethewildthingsar · 17/12/2025 12:38

I don’t want to sound like I’m naive he doesn’t smoke weed all day - but late evening. But regardless, I hate him smoking it but he tries to justify it

Is he then driving the next day? Cannabis can stay in your system above drug drive limits for 24-48h if a regular user.

What would you say to your kids if they were in a relationship of this type?
What message would you like to send to them about healthy relationships?