Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

My husband has been exactly like this in the past. Almost exactly. Kids similar ages - the absolute trenches. We became like room mates, separate beds, and he just sucked the joy out of everything. Right down to the road rage and acting like the world is ending every time milk is spilled.
I did temporarily separate as I just couldn't go on any more like that and refused to make the kids live on eggshells. During the temporary separation, it was the nicest and calmest he'd been to me in a long time - he was respectful and it was just absolute bliss being away from him.

After a few weeks we spoke - I told him what I wasn't willing to tolerate and why, and that we should separate if he can't change his behaviour. He opened up and actually admitted feeling extremely depressed. He saw his GP, and has been paying for therapy which he still has now nearly a year later, but down to once a month.

He is honestly like a different person.

I know you're leaving, and it does sound like your DH only has contempt for you. But I just wanted to offer this perspective. What I can say is he put in a fuck ton of effort and that has remained fairly consistent, and the therapy honestly seems to have made him much more perceptive and he can manage his emotions and anger much better.
If your DH isn't showing any willing to make things work better, then I would consider asking for divorce/ separation but remain living together and maybe try to parent amicably til then.

I really hope it works out for you. I know in the past I've thought about leaving and I didn't, because I just couldn't face the upheaval - and when you have little kids, having that support and set up is a huge factor in the decision, not just your happiness. So I can honestly relate. DM me if you do feel like you want to chat as I genuinely could have written your OP and dealt with similar behaviour for a long time. Xx

Children do notice. I remember my dad not getting out of bed to go on outings and not understanding why (he was depressed). I honestly had a much better and more relaxed and lovely home once he was gone which was not until I was very late teens.

You may just have to endure, OP, but I think the advice to ignore him and go about your business, and have a lovely time with the children is good, but I have to be honest that that glowering presence frightened me as a child, I hate unstable or inconsistent moody grumpy people now, it stresses me out so much.

Focus on yourself and the kids. He is his own responsibility, do not factor him in.

If you can, line up nice things for the children and you (a walk and a hot choc, simple things) and get a few things lined up just for you (coffee with a friend or something ) to help you through the next couple of weeks.

Before I don’t think the kids really noticed it as a lot of the negativity was aimed at me, but I think they are now.

They did notice. They do notice.

I really feel for you, OP. Don't underestimate just how bloody exhausting it is living with a partner like this. It will make you physically ill. I've been there. Please speak to a lawyer for advice before deciding you definitely can't leave before 2027. In the meantime, start building your life without him. And grey rock all the way.

Yep, sounds like me. I left, me and the kids are so happy now we don’t have to live with that crap every day. Leave sooner if you can, otherwise, use this time to get your ducks in a row, save some money and then leave as soon as you can. I promise your kids will thank you for it x

I just want to say, OP, as a child of a man like this, who was depressed, thank you - thank you for making plans to leave him while your kids are still small. I have utmost sympathy for anyone suffering with mental health issues (been there, done that) but the older I get the more I realise that its tough, butn it doesnt matter - children HAVE to be protected from living a life like you describe, like the one i had, as much as they can be. You are doing the absolute best for your kids and I wish you all the best.

Oh dear lord OP you take me back. I had one of those miserable bastards. I get it takes time to get away. It won’t be any better with time though and as others have said he may be horrible during the breakup and your children will be older then and so understand and remember more. Not ideal. My own were deeply wounded in the breakup process as their father descended into a rage that scared the hell out of me. So waiting may not make things better. In the mean time, really get those ducks in a row. Take out cash with your weekly shop and get your family to put into an account for you over those 18 months. Because he will likely not want to support his own children in the end. And try to speed things up if you can. Get to “enough” rather than perfect. My children and I breathe freely these days and we are so happy. I wish the same for you and your children.

OP I want to share with you that I once left an unhappy home environment when it started affecting my child.

I left one day while he was at work. With nothing but clothes, shoes, and a double airbed. We moved into a scruffy rental on a not very desirable street. I had debt he'd ran up. I couldn't drive.

That night I was sat in my empty house smiling.

My son was FINE. He didn't care about all the grown up stuff or the empty house. He was fine because I was fine! I'd worried so much about it.

Now my only regret is not jumping ship quicker.

Please don't wait all that time!

Bloody hell. At least plonk yourself in front of the tv now and then, and make him spend the evening in the bedroom.

And get proof of his income etc. If he realizes you want to leave he may start hiding assets.

Get a good lawyer and get everything you're entitled to. He's presumably a decent earner, and he doesn't get to opt out of supporting his children.

I am in a similar situation OP. My OH is a mental drain on me right now, he has slowly lost friends (for reasons like your husband) and for his bad behaviour when he’s had a drink. I walk on eggshells most of the time and he has a habit of picking a fight on Christmas over literally anything. I am also planning to leave and getting my ducks in a row and in the meantime I am not including him in any plans with the children and I, unfortunately I can’t uninvite him from Christmas Day but I will be asking him to leave if he ruins it as my eldest is 4 now and I cannot allow him to ruin her Christmas too. He blames it on his mum and dad’s nasty divorce but I’m beginning to think he’s just not a nice person. The house is different when he’s not here.

i hope you figure something out for you all and you manage to have a lovely Christmas xx

I'm just reading through OP and I understand wanting to be financially better but an inheritance could potentially be a shared asset. Do you want him to have half of that?

Leave him in your head if you can't physically leave. So stop expecting him to add any pleasure to any occasion and accept you need to create your own enjoyment with your DC as though he's not there. Arrange as many social events and outings as you can with friends and family or on your own. Go out as much as you can. When you're home sit in another room. When he's complaining, don't respond. When he looks miserable don't ask him what's wrong. Treat him like a miserable housemate. A peripheral irritant.

I dont understand why you'd be penniless? You're married. 60/40 or 70/30 split in your favour. That's not penniless?

Your youngest is only 2- surely this could be a bump in the road as you’re both exhausted? I normally say ltb but age 2 ye are in the thick of it!! I honestly think you should talk this out/ try counselling as opposed to jumping to breaking up. Also 6.30 in the morning isn’t a reasonable time (from a mum who used to have to deal with 2.30 wake ups!!! First thought- next time he says ‘yes?’ tell him you’re watching something and he can sit in if he likes!! Time to remind him ye are equal

Well he sounds depressed but I don’t suppose life is easy for you either. Having young kids is hard. Can you improve your finances over the next year? In a split (assuming you are married) everything is split 50/50.

Why does he commandeer the lounge every evening so you have to sit in the bedroom? I would maybe stick some earphones in and watch something on an iPad if you have one or read a book or even watch the tv programme he is watching. I would not accept him giving you grief just because you walk into your living room. Tell him it is your house too and he does not get total control of the TV. If he kicks off just tell him he isn’t very pleasant to be around but you will not be relegated to a second class citizen in your own house. Honestly some of these men need a reality check.

He’s a solicitor op
you won’t be “penniless”

Op it really sounds like he’s as sick of the marriage as you.

Have you thought about talking to him on the basis of”we both are very unhappy….”

I mean, yeah, posters are right that he sounds stressed and unhappy, but the problem is that he (like a lot of men) feels fully entitled to make that everyone else’s misfortune by stomping around spreading his foul mood far and wide. He’s making your life a fucking misery and he’ll be making the children anxious and upset too. I doubt it’s even crossed his mind that you are struggling even more than he is, because the fact that you can control yourself and not inflict emotional incontinence on everyone around you means that he has it worse.

your rationale for delaying the split sounds sensible to me, so you need strategies for minimising the damage he can do in the meantime. Plan stuff for you and the kids that doesn’t involve him. You can frame it as “giving him a break”. Can you plead your illness and sleep separately? You need to carve out space to enjoy at least some of each day without his glowering presence.

I'm so sorry OP. It doesn't sound like he is a reasonable person, but is there any way you would feel able to lower an olive branch and go to the lounge with a glass of wine (or whatever) for him and say "I know things are really hard at the moment, but I'd really like Christmas to be special for the kids, and for us too. Can we talk about it?" and see what he has to say.
He sounds bloody difficult, but if he is feeling unloved/unappreciated etc. and knows the relationship is failing, he might be feeling wretched in himself as well.
To be clear, this plan only works if

1. You can stomach having to lower the olive branch
2. You think he will respond with some level of warmth/kindness back to you. If not, then just grit through OP, do the best you can for the kids, and roll on 2027 and hopefully better times ahead.

When men are depressed they (unfortunately and horribly) often become very angry and full of rage. He really should go back to the doctor and try a different anti depressant.
It’s a horrible way to live for everyone. He probably hates himself but it expresses as rage.

If he is a solicitor, he presumably earns quite well, and assuming you are married you are entitled to half of everything, so taking the bus/run down estate may be unfounded fears. Talk to a lawyer.

Just look forward to the time when you can get rid of him.