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Original poster

Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

185 replies

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 16/12/2025 17:40

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

OP posts:
SpicyMargarita1 · 17/12/2025 08:08

OP, your DH sounds so much like mine used to be that I had to check the username and date of your post because I thought it could be mine from a couple of years ago.

My DH was so bloody miserable and angry all the time. Like your DH, the road rage was off the charts. I refused to get in a car with him. And the total overreaction to minor things, like dropping something. Saturday mornings were the worst. He would wake up and just go into angry, shouting mode. It was so bad I used to dread the weekends.

Earlier this year, I made him go to the doctors. She diagnosed depression and put him on meds and honestly, he is a completely different person: kind, nice to be around, very seldom gets angry. It's like him but with the anger removed.

Could this possibly be an option for your DH?

Bobiverse · 17/12/2025 08:03

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Because she said she’d be able to afford to move near her sister 18 months but right now that’s unfordable. And her sister is a stay at home mum who was given a sincere offer to help.
she will also have a car by then which helps because managing the busses is not possible with the two kids and her disability, not without causing more problems.

Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:03

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Just go away, your constant stream of negativity is worse than DH’s this morning.

OP posts:
Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:02

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Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:01

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Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:00

LeadBubbles · 17/12/2025 07:49

I agree with you! I grew up with a dad like that, and he and my mom finally divorced when I was 11. I still remember a lot of happy times, and also despite the moods etc I've always felt loved by both and well cared for. I love my parents and I am still very close to them and now I am a parent myself, I can understand both of their decisions. It's not black and white.

Show quote history

Thank you! I think if these posters spent a day in our family home they would see describing it as ‘very dark’ is plain ridiculous. DH isn’t ranting in their faces 24/7 and punching things, he’s just far more negative and draining than I think if reasonable and want to be in a relationship with. Of course a more positive dad would benefit them but I think this would happen if we did 50/50 as I think having a few good nights sleep a week, time to exercise and see friends etc would improve anyone’s mood (including mine).

OP posts:
Bobiverse · 17/12/2025 07:58

Rhaidimiddim · 16/12/2025 18:29

Are you sure he doesn't have a legal claim to any of your inheritance?

Show quote history

It’s going to be spent on a car, and no court is going to order that someone about to become the resident parent to 2 small children must sell her car to split the money. She’ll be fine.

Barnbrack · 17/12/2025 07:57

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 16/12/2025 17:40

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

My husband finds Xmas hard for a multitude of reasons, actually so do I but because of grief and childhood trauma, however I channel mine into extreme Xmas enjoyment while he tries to avoid it all and wind each other up by our approaches. We definitely both have sworn under our breath before facing another rough bedtime or a millionth night wake up. But there's solidarity in it. While we annoy each other we chivvy each other along too. Ultimately despite being a many sod he pulls it together for all the festive activities for the kids, takes them shopping to get me a present and cooks Xmas dinner because he loves to cook and it saves him socializing too much on the day.

What I'm saying I got depends on ider context for me, I'd have sympathy if it's new misery and he maybe needs to see the GP, if it's actually him moaning to ultimately land everything on your plate then leave him

Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 07:55

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You’ve made your weird desire to scare and belittle me quite obvious at this point. I suggest DH isn’t the only person with an exasperating outlook on others. You’re not being helpful at this stage, just trying to stick the boot in as much as you can. Goodbye!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 07:53

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 07:49

It doesn’t sound dark to you because maybe you’ve got used to it

it sounds very dark place for the kids to the rest of us

With respect kids out there are living drug squats, witnessing domestic violence, living in B&Bs. If you think my children live in a ‘very dark home’ then you’re being very dramatic. Of course having a grumpy parent impacts you. But there’s a scale and it’s minor in the scheme of what some children’s homes are like.

OP posts:
Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 07:51

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Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 07:49

It doesn’t sound dark to you because maybe you’ve got used to it

it sounds very dark place for the kids to the rest of us

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 07:49

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LeadBubbles · 17/12/2025 07:49

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 07:09

This sounds like a very dark place to be a child

It’s not optimal but describing it as ‘very dark’ is a huge exaggeration. We don’t fight, shout, hit each other, there’s no aggression. Most of the time they’re at school/nursery or the youngest is with me while he’s at work. He’s not mean to the children, right now he’s patiently reassuring the toddler about something and I can hear him offering him a cuddle (presume it’s over not wanting another nappy change). His negativity is mainly reserved for me and that’s why I don’t want a relationship with him any more. A lot of it the kids don’t even see, although of course they’re used to him complaining and being a bit of a grumpy sod in general.

I agree with you! I grew up with a dad like that, and he and my mom finally divorced when I was 11. I still remember a lot of happy times, and also despite the moods etc I've always felt loved by both and well cared for. I love my parents and I am still very close to them and now I am a parent myself, I can understand both of their decisions. It's not black and white.

FreeTheOakTree · 17/12/2025 07:47

Lamentingalways · 16/12/2025 19:36

I would get on the dating apps at this point! You might as well go and have a decent shag while he’s watching his programmes instead of sitting in your room like a child. He shouldn’t mind seeing as he can’t bear you to be in the same room as him. Might as well have some fun for 18mths!

Edited

The OP works full time, has a toddler still, suffers a disability, and is sleep deprived..

But yeah, seeking out dodgy men on some hook-up app should help her 🙄

LeadBubbles · 17/12/2025 07:46

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 07:05

What does this even look like though? I imagine you don’t just click your fingers and it’s all there. I imagine it takes months anyway.

As I said im disabled, I absolutely would not manage the children with no support, no car, probably in a flat somewhere not of my choosing and having to move their schools while commuting. I don’t even know how I would do that, it would probably make me more stressed and unhappy than I am now.

life just isn’t a fairytale, or something where you can ‘just leave’.

Show quote history

It may seem long but you're right, you're thinking of what's best for you and your kids. Make the most of these 18 months to get all your ducks in a row, gather as much info (financial, legal, etc.) as possible, maybe build your savings, and find you future place to live. Having that plan solidly planted in your mind will help you get through those months, keep you focused and don't let slip to your DH what you're doing. You go this!

Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 07:26

Thundertoast · 16/12/2025 22:32

I just want to say, OP, as a child of a man like this, who was depressed, thank you - thank you for making plans to leave him while your kids are still small. I have utmost sympathy for anyone suffering with mental health issues (been there, done that) but the older I get the more I realise that its tough, butn it doesnt matter - children HAVE to be protected from living a life like you describe, like the one i had, as much as they can be. You are doing the absolute best for your kids and I wish you all the best.

Thank you, my own dad was just like this (plus alcoholic, the type who starts drinking at 10am every day). I’m well aware of the effect on kids but I don’t want to leave instantly then they’re trapped with their stressed disabled mum in temporary housing somewhere having been wrenched from their school and friends, while I navigate 2 drop offs and a journey to work via bus. Anyone who claims they would do that isn’t being truthful.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 17/12/2025 07:24

Inheritance is not counted as a marital asset.
I hope you get sorted op before you get more ground down.💐

Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 07:24

BitOutOfPractice · 16/12/2025 22:48

Before I don’t think the kids really noticed it as a lot of the negativity was aimed at me, but I think they are now.

They did notice. They do notice.

Thanks for that, yes I’m bloody aware

OP posts:
LottieMary · 17/12/2025 07:10

If you’re improving financially in 18 months I’d get cracking or he’ll be entitled to half of it too.

Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 07:09

This sounds like a very dark place to be a child

It’s not optimal but describing it as ‘very dark’ is a huge exaggeration. We don’t fight, shout, hit each other, there’s no aggression. Most of the time they’re at school/nursery or the youngest is with me while he’s at work. He’s not mean to the children, right now he’s patiently reassuring the toddler about something and I can hear him offering him a cuddle (presume it’s over not wanting another nappy change). His negativity is mainly reserved for me and that’s why I don’t want a relationship with him any more. A lot of it the kids don’t even see, although of course they’re used to him complaining and being a bit of a grumpy sod in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 07:05

JKLolling · 17/12/2025 06:45

OP what if you only had 18 months left to live, would you spend them like this? Every day if your life is precious. Leave now, go on universal credit, get a flat near your sister and start living your life, you deserve to be happy.

What does this even look like though? I imagine you don’t just click your fingers and it’s all there. I imagine it takes months anyway.

As I said im disabled, I absolutely would not manage the children with no support, no car, probably in a flat somewhere not of my choosing and having to move their schools while commuting. I don’t even know how I would do that, it would probably make me more stressed and unhappy than I am now.

life just isn’t a fairytale, or something where you can ‘just leave’.

OP posts:
Possiblyfamous · 17/12/2025 06:52

LVhandbagsatdawn · 16/12/2025 18:41

Hmm, I'm going to take a slightly different approach, given you say you won't leave for 18 months and in the spirit of trying to make those 18 months better.

These things jumped out at me:

The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us

he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

His road rage is getting worse

This sounds to me like someone who is burnt out and is at the absolute end of their tether and who is probably in crisis. You are both in the hardest stage of raising children with no help.

Is there any way you can get any help? Would he be open to seeing his GP?

You obviously can't help him if he won't engage. But I can't help but wonder if this could be solved if he's prepared to accept he needs help...

This was my thought too.

JKLolling · 17/12/2025 06:45

OP what if you only had 18 months left to live, would you spend them like this? Every day if your life is precious. Leave now, go on universal credit, get a flat near your sister and start living your life, you deserve to be happy.

Enduser1 · 17/12/2025 06:31

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