Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

185 replies

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 16/12/2025 17:40

We’re the typical couple of 2 small children. Both work, no family help, kids 6 and 2, never spend any time alone together. Life is generally very full on, and I won’t pretend I’m a saint who never gets grumpy/upset/tired but he is MISERABLE.

He doesn’t shout but he relentlessly rants and moans and swears under his breath. The first thing I hear in the morning is him muttering ‘for fucks sake’ as one of the kids shouts out for us (even if at a reasonable time like 6.30). All day he grumps, complains, strops, nags the kids. Nothing is ever to his liking, he treats every day setbacks (like spilling something, or one of the kids knocking something over) like the house is on fire.

It’s utterly draining but worse right now because it’s noticeably ruining what are supposed to be happy Christmas events. His road rage is getting worse, he’s so negative and just like a black cloud which saps the joy from everything. I’m treated with nothing but contempt, like my presence is actually unreasonable. He plonks himself in front of the TV every night and if I go in the lounge he pauses whatever he’s watching and says ‘Yes?’ In a really shitty voice.

Yes I’m leaving but this cannot be for another 18 months, for complicated reasons. So please don’t bombard me with ‘YOU NEED TO LEAVE NOW’ comments as I’m pretty sure nobody here would change their DC’s schools, move away from their friends and plunge their kids into virtual poverty just to speed things up by 1 year. In 18 months I will be in a much better financial position and some other ducks will be in a row.

Just looking to vent really to women in the same position.

OP posts:
Talullahspolkadotbikin · 17/12/2025 09:21

If you wait until you’re in a better financial position, he will be entitled to half of it…leave now, struggle for a few months and then reap your rewards

TwoTuesday · 17/12/2025 09:18

You say you'll be better off financially in 2027 but that means you'll get less in a divorce settlement. Can you start the process now, as you're planning to start divorce kin 2027 anyway? There is never a good time to leave but 18 months before you even start the process means it will be about 2.5 to 3 years until it's resolved. That is an absolute age. Can you get a small car on a lease or get a loan or something and start looking for a place near your sister now? You could be settled by next Christmas, instead of having another one ruined. Life is so short, especially the childhood years which can be the happiest.

Sunshineo · 17/12/2025 09:11

This was me in Christmas past. 14 years later and Christmas is jolly. My DH is a beautiful person, everything that ex wasn’t!

Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 09:09

Sharptonguedwoman · 17/12/2025 08:54

Is there any way at all you can make this happen? Can you send him off to a relative/cabin in the woods/hotel/whatever for a week to sleep and think and then perhaps swap? If you are both exhausted, even if light is at the end of the tunnel, it's difficult to see it.

Show quote history

I actually offered this but he said no, because it would cost about £2000 and we just don’t have that to spend on something like this. I wish!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 09:04

MarbleDrive · 17/12/2025 08:42

That sounds utterly miserable, OP. I’m glad you have plans to leave and hope your children are young enough that their miserable home atmosphere won’t stick as a horrible memory or trauma.

I mean it isn’t ‘traumatic’, I would reserve that for children in Gaza or are witnessing their mum being beaten black and blue. But yes obviously isn’t it’s optimal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 09:00

HuskyNew · 17/12/2025 08:55

he is a solicitor and you’re holding out for 18 months for 5k?

something not right there, you need more acces to finances

Show quote history

No, that’s not what’s happening.

OP posts:
uhtredofbattenberg · 17/12/2025 08:56

Sorry to hear this. My mother was like this and I can remember dad reminding her one time that it was Christmas eve, not that it magically turned her into a cheerful person..! Parents did eventually divorce.

It did spoil the childhood magic of Christmas tbh, and as an adult I've never spent a Christmas day with her to this day - I'm now mid 50s.

There was a thread last year about husbands who did none of the Christmas work - no present buying, couldn't be arsed to help put decs up and that was quite illuminating, many replies saying that their ex-h's were like that.

Good luck with getting your ducks in a row..

HuskyNew · 17/12/2025 08:55

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 16/12/2025 19:54

No I’m not ‘willingly damaging my children’ and the inheritance is £5k.

Show quote history

he is a solicitor and you’re holding out for 18 months for 5k?

something not right there, you need more acces to finances

Sharptonguedwoman · 17/12/2025 08:54

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:00

Thank you! I think if these posters spent a day in our family home they would see describing it as ‘very dark’ is plain ridiculous. DH isn’t ranting in their faces 24/7 and punching things, he’s just far more negative and draining than I think if reasonable and want to be in a relationship with. Of course a more positive dad would benefit them but I think this would happen if we did 50/50 as I think having a few good nights sleep a week, time to exercise and see friends etc would improve anyone’s mood (including mine).

Show quote history

Is there any way at all you can make this happen? Can you send him off to a relative/cabin in the woods/hotel/whatever for a week to sleep and think and then perhaps swap? If you are both exhausted, even if light is at the end of the tunnel, it's difficult to see it.

MarbleDrive · 17/12/2025 08:42

That sounds utterly miserable, OP. I’m glad you have plans to leave and hope your children are young enough that their miserable home atmosphere won’t stick as a horrible memory or trauma.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 17/12/2025 08:41

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:15

And you sound unpleasant in general, the type who reads other people’s misfortune with glee and wonders how to rub salt in under the guise of ‘have you considered how much worse it could be..’

Only unhappy people do this in my experience.

Show quote history

This particular poster has had a vast number of different usernames and always has the same MO. I have no idea why Mumsnet can't do anything about them, but I always call them out when I spot them.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 17/12/2025 08:40

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:08

Yes I saw that, but wondered if this would be sufficient to rely on a sister who also has children and presumably her own life.

It was only a question but op didn’t like it

Show quote history

I recognize your posting style, you are the same poster who constantly is rude and goady to OPs. You think you aren't obvious, but you are. Knock it off.

Imgoingtobefree · 17/12/2025 08:38

Just a thought, but if you did answer back or tell him his behaviour was untenable and it did lead to an argument (when the kids are out of the house) - is there any chance he’d have a strop and fuck off for a few days?

Then you could have a few days of peace and quiet. Obviously not advisable if he has a bad temper - but sometimes the sulky type are more likely to just disappear?

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 17/12/2025 08:33

ZippyPeer · 16/12/2025 19:51

I agree with the posters who have said that your DH sounds depressed. You've explained all the things you've done to try and help him, I just wonder whether maybe you have different and conflicting styles of how you 'help'.
You've said he would not help you practically, but would listen to you vent (for lots of people this is exactly what they want/need in a partner or friend), whereas you have primarily tried to do tasks for him - perhaps he doesn't see that as support, it might feel sort of undermining if he doesn't ask for it?

Anyway, if you are done you are done, but just my thoughts on a factor that is within your control that you may or may not have considered before

Stop trying to minimise what an asshole her DH is and suggest she just puts up with it. She needs to get out.

willathewisp · 17/12/2025 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This lady is on here needing support and compassionate advice. Why are you wasting your time at 8am being rude and callous on a thread that is totally optional to comment on. If the responses are so unsatisfying to you, simply disengage with the thread. All too often people on here delight in arguing with stressed out, vulnerable posters seeking community. I don't even know what the point of this website is anymore.

Izzywizzy85 · 17/12/2025 08:27

Op you sound really switched on and a great mum 💐 please ignore all the dramatic doom filled posts! I get it. He isn’t an abusive swearing screaming twat. It’s death by a thousand cuts. No one incident of him being an arse is that bad in isolation but over time it’s worn you down. It must be so emotionally draining being around someone like this all the time. FWIW I think you’re doing the right thing in biding your time. Will make the transition easier and smoother for your kids. Good luck!

Megifer · 17/12/2025 08:27

I know/know of so many men who have turned into miserable bastards once they hit middle age. They resent getting older, probably resent not having the life they thought they'd have, a lot of them are thinking they are now the most oppressed in society so they resent that. Resent answering to people because I Am Man. Blah blah.

tbf a lot of them were probably always like this, or it was developing, we just put up with it to keep the peace, but as we get older we get more confident, less accepting of shit from people, we see things more clearly. So its the perfect storm and probably why IME many relationships break down when middle age hits. Men get more miserable, women get less tolerant of it.

I dont buy for one minute the poor lamb is in crisis. Hes just a common garden variety miserable, draining twat.

Squeakingmousey · 17/12/2025 08:25

My dh has had to contend with similar issues to yours recently @Nastyoldbastardatchristmas including job, serious injury, friends gradually drifting, limited sleep, lack of time to himself….but his attitude to life and his family couldn’t be more different to your dh, and he is lovely to be around. Your dh has a choice in how he copes with his situation, so don’t make excuses for him. He could choose to go to the doctor if he is really struggling with his mental health.

Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:15

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:14

I agreed with most of the others that this sounds very unpleasant for the children

Show quote history

And you sound unpleasant in general, the type who reads other people’s misfortune with glee and wonders how to rub salt in under the guise of ‘have you considered how much worse it could be..’

Only unhappy people do this in my experience.

OP posts:
Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:14

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:11

’Your children are in a DARK PLACE OP! Much worse than you think! Trust me, DH will be glad to be rid of you! And you’re disabled - you probably won’t be able to manage your kids one day. Your sister won’t help either, you’re going to be left high and dry - she has her own life!’

🥱🥱🥱

Show quote history

I agreed with most of the others that this sounds very unpleasant for the children

Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It did make me laugh though, the idea that somebody would consider it reasonable to prioritise my sex life at this point in time 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:11

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:08

Yes I saw that, but wondered if this would be sufficient to rely on a sister who also has children and presumably her own life.

It was only a question but op didn’t like it

Show quote history

’Your children are in a DARK PLACE OP! Much worse than you think! Trust me, DH will be glad to be rid of you! And you’re disabled - you probably won’t be able to manage your kids one day. Your sister won’t help either, you’re going to be left high and dry - she has her own life!’

🥱🥱🥱

OP posts:
Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:09

Nastyoldbastardatchristmas · 17/12/2025 08:03

Just go away, your constant stream of negativity is worse than DH’s this morning.

Show quote history

I don’t see it as negative that your DH feels the same way. It’s a positive because the two of you can work together to make the next year or so better

Premierinnok · 17/12/2025 08:08

Bobiverse · 17/12/2025 08:03

Because she said she’d be able to afford to move near her sister 18 months but right now that’s unfordable. And her sister is a stay at home mum who was given a sincere offer to help.
she will also have a car by then which helps because managing the busses is not possible with the two kids and her disability, not without causing more problems.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes I saw that, but wondered if this would be sufficient to rely on a sister who also has children and presumably her own life.

It was only a question but op didn’t like it