Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

Yes he was. I think he’s found family life harder than he expected but to give him his credit I can’t complain about doing more than my fair share because I don’t. He commented the other day that the phase of very intense hard work has gone on much longer than he expected (and I feel the same). It’s just small things like the 6 year old has only just started really occupying or playing by herself, until a few weeks ago she would literally follow you from room to room, wait outside the toilet etc - I think he finds it very claustrophobic (as do I tbh), plus I think he really thought they would sleep through very reliably from 18 months. I wouldn’t have believed a child could be waking for 8 solid months with a night time cough before we had kids, but here we are.

He is in a lot of pain as I’ve noticed his migraines have hugely ramped up since the moods began, he has a bad one probably weekly. He has some strong painkillers which help but leave him quite groggy and still with a dull ache he says.

Of course the GP appt for the painkillers was arranged by me.

Him being depressed or in need of help isn’t the issue, it’s his refusal to help himself.

We are seeing family this weekend but he’s staying in the accommodation so I can go out in the evening. I feel like we desperately need a monthly date night together but it’s just a pipe dream.

Covid started this all off to a degree, it just ended so many things which looking back he relied on for his MH

I know what’s happened, neither of us have slept properly for 6 years. The oldest started sleeping through at 1 but caught a hideous and never ending string of nursery bugs which all turned into a chronic viral wheeze and night cough, so for a good 2 years we didn’t sleep with that. Then DS was born, and back to square one. He’s nearly 3 and this month we’ve had a 2 week cold, hand foot and mouth, some kind of sick bug. Generally he sleeps through but of course they have regressions, wake up with endless snotty noses and coughs, have nightmares. It’s been relentless.

Add to that we have no family help and no babysitter (friends all have their own kids, nursery staff not interested, wouldn’t trust anyone else) and I think we have had time alone together probably once a year. I’m not kidding, it’s brutal.

His career is demanding with lots of deadlines (solicitor). He used to meet with his friends weekly but Covid put an end to that.

He’s also had a few health complaints including a knee injury 3 years ago which has stopped him from being able to exercise which was his main hobby. He’s had physio etc but just can’t get to the bottom of what’s wrong with it.

He did go to the GP and get put on sertraline but he said it made no difference.

I feel a bit sorry for him but equally I’m unwell myself a lot of the time and still don’t make his life a living hell by being so negative and miserable.

I know what’s happened, neither of us have slept properly for 6 years. The oldest started sleeping through at 1 but caught a hideous and never ending string of nursery bugs which all turned into a chronic viral wheeze and night cough, so for a good 2 years we didn’t sleep with that. Then DS was born, and back to square one. He’s nearly 3 and this month we’ve had a 2 week cold, hand foot and mouth, some kind of sick bug. Generally he sleeps through but of course they have regressions, wake up with endless snotty noses and coughs, have nightmares. It’s been relentless.

Add to that we have no family help and no babysitter (friends all have their own kids, nursery staff not interested, wouldn’t trust anyone else) and I think we have had time alone together probably once a year. I’m not kidding, it’s brutal.

His career is demanding with lots of deadlines (solicitor). He used to meet with his friends weekly but Covid put an end to that.

He’s also had a few health complaints including a knee injury 3 years ago which has stopped him from being able to exercise which was his main hobby. He’s had physio etc but just can’t get to the bottom of what’s wrong with it.

He did go to the GP and get put on sertraline but he said it made no difference.

I feel a bit sorry for him but equally I’m unwell myself a lot of the time and still don’t make his life a living hell by being so negative and miserable.

It did make me laugh though, the idea that somebody would consider it reasonable to prioritise my sex life at this point in time 😂

Thanks for that, yes I’m bloody aware

I mean it isn’t ‘traumatic’, I would reserve that for children in Gaza or are witnessing their mum being beaten black and blue. But yes obviously isn’t it’s optimal.

Thanks all.

Oddly (because I know how it sounds here) I have no concerns about him being difficult about money or splitting, firstly we have a joint account and all money goes into that, despite the fact he earns a lot more he’s never once tried to control my spending. It’s just that when I receive a pay rise our earnings will be fairly even, and if he wants to do 50/50 which I assume he will, he won’t owe me anything.

There’s a multitude of reasons why I can’t run off right now and like I said my priority is the DC, if they were in any way withdrawn or scared I would of course leave immediately but they’re not. He’s not aggressive or scary, just really negative. The only time he gets worked up is in the car but this involves just more muttering.

Finances wise it is much better for me to wait until summer 2027. I’m don’t have the energy to post the very complicated breakdown of what our circumstances are (then answer the inevitable questions which have misunderstood it, or say ‘that doesn’t add up..’, or ‘but why can’t you just X’ about something which for further reasons I cannot do).

Waiting would mean a very straightforward case of me being able to move into a nice house, which I can afford to run independently and without any help, in time for my youngest to start school, in my ‘support network area’ and just as a number of other loose ends tie themselves in terms of work and commuting etc.

I am categorically not moving my kids out into a dilapidated social housing flat somewhere then taking 3 bus journeys in the morning just to drop them off and get to work (I don’t even know if I could do this, we live fairly rurally). I don’t believe everyone advocating for this would actually do it themselves in my shoes, it’s just easy to type and the human curiosity side of them wants to see action ‘now’ rather than the OP frustratingly saying it can’t happen.

DH is very reasonable about money and has never been tight. I have full access to all his money, spend what I like, and he has never once mentioned it or criticised me. Money has never featured in our disagreements.

Little choice in the matter. We only bought this house early this year, because things did look like they were improving since last summer but have since gone downhill again. This last few weeks have been noticeably much worse though. Before I don’t think the kids really noticed it as a lot of the negativity was aimed at me, but I think they are now.

If I left now I would be penniless. I’m getting a substantial pay rise summer 2027, and by then will also have a car as I’m due a small inheritance and that’s what I plan to spend the money on. I’m disabled (autoimmune conditions - so physically able but feel unwell, tired etc a lot of the time) and would only cope if living close to my sister for support. She is a SAHM and has offered to help with school runs etc (she’s dependable and offered sincerely).

Leaving now would mean a dependence on UC, taking the bus everywhere, a rundown house on a rundown estate, a school move, and being further from family. I can’t face that