Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

Have you actually spoken to him about how you feel and how he feels??? Sounds to me like compromises need to be made on both sides.....I feel sorry for your kids, growing up in this atmosphere....

I feel very sorry for your husband and for you. Is there no possibility of getting through this? Do you still love each other? It sounds very difficult, these early years are so so tough and even harder when you have no help, but they do pass.

As hard as it is, try to document everything before he claims date of separation is in the future/he didnt know this was coming. E.g "ive tried to speak to you and to help you. You treat me with contempt. You are damaging the children and I. As you refuse to reflect or accept there is an issue, I dont consider we are in a r.ship" id avoid relying on whatsapp - if you need to get a new phone, you lose the messages. Or take screenshots and be sure they are stored on a cloud etc.

Just plan and organise you and your children's life as if he isnt there.

If no spare room id have the kids share a bed or me share with one of them.

Its really hard living with this. Can you have your sister or anyone over for weekend visits - that helped me as
a. I looked forward to it and
b. He behaved a bit better with company.

I had two wee ones, worked FT as a solicitor also with pressing deadlines and a stressful workload, and i have chronic pain, and am disabled with long term conditions. I wouldnt dream of treating anyone like shit. My kids and I left 14 months ago and its wonderful. His abuse continued through the veil of the family court and beyond that - but not living under the cloud is priceless. We are all much happier. I also had no family help. I still dont.

If you do buy vouchers, look out for expiry dates.

Take photos of all of his financial documents - even those that seem insignificant. I did that and it became helpful as he went to every length to protect "his" [our] matrimonial assets. Documemts i thought were insignificant proved very helpful. All the best

I am divorcing a man just like this, and no it isn’t awful and ‘dark’ - it’s not as happy as I want it to be, so it’s over, but the hyperbole isn’t helping the OP is it?

Maybe try finding out why he is like this,.if he doesn't know, ask if he is happy etc.... if he won't talk then give him an ultimatum

OP, start buying supermarket cards as a way to squirrel money away that he won't see.
Get as much legal advice as you can as he will be well able.
You are being emotionally abused, but I can well understand your reasoning for staying.
Buy uniform etc, shoes, gifts in advance if you can.
Ask your sister can you leave stuff at hers that will help you set up a new home.
Avoid him as muchvas possible.
Move to a spare bedroom if you can.
Spend time getting as organised as you can and buildung up your network of support.

Good god the the typical Mumsnetters Mums..divorce him now,get his money,you're ruining your kids lives,they'll be traumatised for life 😂😂😂 in no way shape or form did this post need any of this..
Good for you OP on getting everything sorted for when you eventually move on..i hope you have a tolerable christmas with the kids and everything goes your way xx

Very well said. What a ridiculous comment from Nutmuncher or Nutcase, whatever their name is.

Just keep looking forward - hopefully will happen as soon as it can for you, I remember my ex being the same and the first Christmas away from him was so peaceful and happy and has pretty much been great ever since, never in a million years will I live with another man or give up my home for one , life is bliss, you’ll love it as will the kids, good luck getting through but you have a goal and are clearly working towards it, best of luck 🤞

I am going through this! And our kids are the exact same age! And for the same reasons I have not left yet but I find myself bitching to my best friend about my partner everyday to where I had to just tell myself to stop because its just negativity. I would love to message with you if you're open to it!

You will be doing it all alone in 18 months so I'd start doing it all now. In no way do I think you should have to be appeasing him by picking up the slack and making life easier for him but it may make the next 18 months more bearable. Do all the morning get ups, take the children out alone, make plans with family and friends for special events, do all homework, bath times and bed times alone. It isn't fair for you to do it all but if you can just pretend he isn't there and enjoy the time with your DC it will make the next 18 months easier.
Find yourself an evening hobby, don't go into the lounge. Stay in another room relaxing and enjoying your time.

Wishing you the best OP. I grew up in your house and it was really hard, leaving lasting scars. Get your ducks fully lined up and get out as soon as you possibly can. Your power is in your plan.

He sounds like a typical man realising being the family type maybe isn’t for him anymore. Why men ever decide to be dads then resent everything that entails is beyond me. However you should have been more aware of his potential disdain for responsibility with a penchant for selfishness before you considered allowing him to father two children with you.

There’s a lesson to be learned here for any prospective parents out there.

Choose wisely.

This isn't right. It's a very common myth, but there is no legal mechanism which automatically grants OP the right to stay in the home til the children are 18.

OP, if you want legal advice on how a separation or divorce might look, I would see a solicitor.

Actually, you're allowed to legally stay in the home until the children are 18, if you're the main carer. I would look into this.

I would also sit down and ask your husband if he wants you there anymore and if he resents you so much ask him why is he still here? Why doesn't he move out. Be blunt. Use shock questions to startle him.

In all honesty, his behaviours all point to severe depression. I think he needs to see a GP, ASAP. Depression can make you aggressive and nasty, but it's not a justification. He needs to want to help himself. Tell him to leave if he doesn't. Don't be afraid to pack his bags and to call the GP for him.

"Unfortunately though there’s no magic wand with small children and no help. You just have to get through it"

You seem very wise, and I think you will get through this.

But the getting through it really shows you who the other person you are getting through it with is - and I think you've made a really reasonable decision that he's not turned out to be a person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You can't rely on him to be in things with you, or to show you the care and attention you deserve from a partner.

My kids are grown up now, and I'm with a new man. He's lovely, but not perfect, because none of us are. He has periods of being super stressed about work and taking me for granted and this has caused some arguments. But afterwards he's always admitted I have a point, and apologised. And I have periods of being stressed about my work or my chronic illnesses, which can make me snappy and bitchy. And when he points this out to me I admit he has a point and apologise. Relationships survive people being less than perfect - which is a good thing! But only when people accept responsibility for their imperfections and strive to work on them.

Can you not agree a split now and either he moves out temporarily (with a view to getting things sorted finally when ducks are in a row) or cohabit with clear agreement in place?

It can take at least 18 months to sort the finances and get yourselves out of the emeshed situation of a marriage anyway.

Don't leave, kick him out. My neighbour did this over the summer and she and the kids have never been happier.

Has to be said though once you see how they respond in times of mutual hardship - either rallying with you or turning on you - it's hard to unsee. OK things may ease up in a few years, but she'll always know that if things hit the skids again - illness, bereavement, teen troubles, redundancy, hell plain old old age - she cannot rely on him to have her back is not something you can just ignore. It kills love.

I’m guessing nothing would happen other than her feeling uncomfortable and upset. And who wants that?

Yes, counseling doesn't provide all of those things, but all those things are transitional/logistical - if that is all that was wrong with your relationship, it will improve when those things change. But, I expect there is more given a lot of the angst/anger/nastiness is directed at you. Kids grow up and become much more independent, and have longer days in school, sleepovers/playdates - you will have time and social life back at some point. Counseling might help you both navigate these years with more kindness towards each other (sounds like he in particular could benefit from this).

Do you still love him? It sounds like you do.