Anyone else’s DH ruining Christmas?

OP, you are doing absolutely the right thing.

I had to leave my ex partner suddenly and I can't describe to you the stress I had to endure with living in temp accommodation, using my savings, going from solicitors to council offices, trying to put my stuff in storage. It was a while ago but the stress still affects my health and my savings have depleted enough to make future home ownership difficult.

I can't imagine many posters asking you to leave now have been in your position.

Stick to your plan, it is a solid one that will secure your kids future.

Best of luck!

........

Edited to add, well done for realising early on that your DP's MH is his own responsibility and not being guilt trapped into being stuck with someone who behaves badly to you.

I agree that it must be awful for you but I think that maybe your DH is suffering from severe depression. He may also not be sleeping well so is tired. I know some people will say he shouldn't moan at little things etc but if you are in crisis mode and can only see blackness in front of you, it can be very difficult to be pleasant to anyone, even the person (s) that you love. I have had. and still do sometimes, that rage when other people's lack of driving etiquette has worn me down. It seems nobody is indicating when turning. Suddenly slamming on the brakes so I have to. Weaving in and out of traffic when I want to get home in one piece and at a decent time so don't want to be held up due to someone having an accident and the road being shut for an hour or more whilst the Police do an appraisal of what has happened and who was in the right/wrong. There are times when someone just breathing sets my teeth on edge and though some of the things that got/get on my nerves some people don't have a problem with, believe me it's like someone with long nails dragging them on a blackboard. It does not affect me as much now as I'm older and learnt to try and ignore people/things that set me off. Please don't think I'm being flippant as I'm not. Feeling depressed and so angry that you could literally injure yourself, injure the person who is the reason for your despair, anger, depression or even smashing the car up with a hammer because of so many problems with it and things I have felt. I have dlive alone now for over 30 years when my long term relationship ended and apart from my 2 dogs and 2 cats I hardly see anyone. I retired at 71 due to serious health issues which I still have and a few more since the affirmation of my Cancer diagnosis in early 2023, that I believed I had but GP Nurse did not think so. I had to persist in going to GP service until I was sent for appt with Specialist on the 2 week referral procedure and CT I had that day showed Bowel Cancer. It has now, the Specialist thinks, spread to my lungs but he tried to take Biopsy but was unable to do so and is thinking of another way in to the lung as he was restricted due to narrow airways. My illnesses have actually calmed me down as I try and not get mad over what most people may not see as a problem, but to me are unsurmountable problems that I cannot see a solution to. Sorry did not mean to waffle OP. Are you both still in love or do you both dislike each other intensley. If you still love one another then it may be wise to seek professional help before you do resort to ending your marriage. I must add that I would feel very unwanted if a partner/husband made a comment when I waked into the lounge. Please try and have a serious coversation with your DH and share what is getting on each others nerves and are their compromises you both are willing to undertake. I do hope you manage to save the marriage if that is what you wish and if it isn't I hope your life ahead runs smoother. Take care OP.

Just read the thead and wondered how you are? Was Christmas ok?

We have had similar sleep issues with our 3yo. I work a mentally demanding job with a long commute and my husband is full time. No family help and only time we've had together is when someone watches the monitor after DC is in bed for maybe an hour or two. We've done this 2 or 3 times. It's relentless and exhausting and we may each have a few brief phases of grumpiness but on the whole do not treat each other like this, we still love and respect one another and work as a team. He sounds very depressed and taking it out on all of you, unfairly. I would suggest trying to carve him out some time to decompress, along with yourself. Perhaps a further attempt at medication. More ways to reconnect when kids are in bed. However if you have reached the end of the road with this, that's entirely fair and I would just exclude him from family plans rather than have him there but miserable.

Leave him out. Get on with your day like you’re already single. Don’t include him. Humans want to be included, he’ll soon realise this beautiful family life, while hard at the phase you’re at, is also beautiful and much nicer than being alone.

I dont get all the posters saying leave sooner. How will that help? The children will still see him after they split . It wont change that much .
Op I think you sound very sensible and practical.
Even if you had millions your children would still have to spend time with him . And I doubt he will suddenly be a really positive chirpy dad when you are not together. Its sad but some people are just like this . And dont realise the impact it has on those around them .

I'd have a back up plan OP. You might not be the only one planning to leave ❤

Just remember - there's never a 'good time' to divorce. It will always involve some upheaval, for you and for the children.

However, living with a snarling, resentful, nasty man who loses the plot over spilled drinks is extremely damaging for your children. This is all they know of family life. You at least have a different frame of reference. But this is their formative experience of life.

My exH was like that, interspersed with episodes of terrifying rage.

I'm glad you're leaving. Can you speed up your plans at all?

Cultivate friendships with nice families for the sake of your children. My DCs benefited enormously from seeing normal men being nice to their wives and children (and their friends) in their homes.

What absolute BOLLOCKS!!

Your mental health can be affected by all sorts of things, with my DH, it was his fear that he wouldn't be around to take care of me, because I myself am disabled.

Anti-depressants help modify the chemicals in your brain, much like going out for a long walk in nature might, but as we're both disabled, that isn't possible for us. The OP's husband, is unable to get the exercise that his body was used to, due to his knee injury, and therefore his dopamine levels have probably dropped, causing him to feel down in the dumps and depressed. Therefore taking anti-depressants will likely help his mood, and improve the atmosphere in the house.

You clearly don't know what you're talking about 'BurntBroccoli', as we are very happily married, and have been together for 34 years, and are often asked what the secret is.

Honestly - if you have to take meds in order to stay with someone, it’s not working.
Relationships are easy with the right person, difficult if not.

LTMB!
Life is short - before you know it - you’ll be late 40s and still with the miserable bugger.
Just take a deep breath and do it.

Yes my husband was like this, when I finally challenged him and said I'd had enough of his moods affecting the rest of us earlier this year, he told me he didn't love me. I think he was just going to keep being horrible until I eventually got fed up and left. He moved out in Oct and things are hard financially but not as bad as I thought due to universal credit. Im very grateful. We are getting on a lot better because he seems much happier now he just has to see his kids twice a week at his mothers house (she does the real parenting for him). It's baffling to me how angry and resentful he was towards me for giving him the kids and family life he actively said he wanted. I can categorically say i put no pressure on him to have kids- if anything it was me that was on the fence but he was desperate. Mind blowing.

I agree with a previous poster that it may well help if you can get him back to the doctor and get the dose of Sertraline increased. I've suffered with depression for many years, and was on Citalopram for a long time, then suddenly I could feel myself going downhill, I figured it likely that my body had got too used to them, so spoke to my GP, who agreed and moved me on to Sertraline. I gave it a few weeks, but still didn't feel right, so went back to the GP, and he increased the dosage quite considerably. Now I'm back on an even keel, and everything is fine. It can be as simple as getting the dose right.

Meanwhile, my DH used to be extremely anti taking medication for depression, and was of the 'pull yourself together' mindset. However, after months on end of struggling with health problems, I could see that he was also struggling with his mental health, as he was behaving similarly to your DH. At the time we were in the middle of moving house, in order to make life with his health problems easier, so I told him that once we'd moved, he was going to the doctor, and getting himself onto anti-depressants, no ifs, or buts about it, as I wasn't prepared to put up with him sitting there feeling sorry for himself, and making my life miserable. To my surprise, he agreed. Now he's the first one to extoll the virtues of anti-depressants, calls them his 'happy pills', as he now sees that life doesn't have to be miserable, just because you have problems. His health hasn't improved, and isn't likely to, but at least he doesn't sit and brood, and make life miserable for the people around him anymore.

I hear you. Six years now of freedom, I hear you oh op .. j had the muttering, the insults, the misery. When my children began to imitate him ( 8 and 10) I booked a plane and left with 5 suitcases.

God im so happy now alone with the ds
We live on benefits
Rent
Its been hard but nothing like as shit as those miserable 10 years with him.

Do it as soon as you can !

Exactly the same here!

When there are kids involved, you do whatever you have to do to ensure they are set up for a decent life and you don’t drag them away in poverty. Obviously.

He doesn't sound great but its also not great integrity to kid someone for a year and a half

It sounds to me like you both are in a bad place.
You feeling disconnected and him experienciencing negativity.
Obviously we are only hearing your side.
But I do wonder if there is a need to step back from this.

It sounds like there is no 'you time'. The fun in life has gone. Two children are in the middle of this.
When I had my children we had no support at all so we had to be creative in making time so on Saturdays children went to bed early and we sat down and ate nice food and this was our time.
When children are young there is little time but it does pass over quicker than you realise.

Do you think your love for him is gone?
If so that might be different.

Have you considered the issue for him could be at work and he is not coping?
Childcare is not easy and those who say it is are lying. It has its ups and downs but as a parent you are always on duty. That is difficult without support.
Maybe accept the difficulties and that despite that these children are wanted, appreciated etc. It is clear you are a good parent etc but when life is difficult it can be easy to plan escape but will that be the sunny uplands you are expecting it to be?

Moreover will the current issue have changed. Is this a temporary dip rather than a permanent downturn?

If he doesn’t want the £2k expense of getting away for a week - can he not go and stay with someone? parent, sibling, friend, cheap Premier Inn.
(and the same for you later)
if the issues are caused by never getting sleep with small children

I’m h I’ve just had a thought… why don’t you go to your sisters for Christmas? Dh won’t be able to ruin Christmas then, or the very least his behaviour will be diluted and you’ll be distracted

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @Nastyoldbastardatchristmas. You seem really smart and kind and you are clearly motivated by doing right by your kids.
On the immediate question of how to get through the Christmas season, you mentioned you have no help and don’t trust anyone but nursery staff or friends. I totally get this, but wonder whether you could compromise and find a babysitter through a local recommendation? You could be at home and doing jobs the first time you meet the babysitter so you can build up trust. I know it’s expensive, but even a few hours might just take some of the pressure off you and allow you to have some time to yourself and get a proper break. It won’t fix the grumpy storm cloud, but might help you get a little space to yourself?
Of course you know best what you’re comfortable with so this may just not be a possibility, but if there’s any chance of a break from the grump it might be worth considering.

Is he a high earner? Any any debt or debt free and comfortable savings etc?

It is a real positive that he’s open and reasonable with money at least

@Nastyoldbastardatchristmas I haven't read the thread, only your replies so apologies. I was in your position with my husband about 6 years ago, exactly as you describe. He was severely depressed and wouldn't get help or try tablets so I was left feeling hopeless and that we had to break up inevitably. He eventually saw the GP and broke down. They convinced him to try Prozac and he did. It changed him almost instantly and hes been on a low dose ever since.

I know you said he's tried Setraline, how long was he on them? Did he up the dose? Or try a different one? You are clearly a very caring woman and you're both at your wits end which is very understandable with 2 young kids and no support. I wonder if for now you could take it in turns to have alone time? We used to take turns to have a night in a hotel. I really think you still love each other and this will get better and in 18 months you might feel like you can stay together. I would try to pursue the medication route if he hasn't tried. It could help massively, enough to make him feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck x