Son dumped by gf -update

He dodged a bullet with that one. I'm thinking she is interested in someone else and she pulled this to have a reason to break it off.

Some people can simply leave a relationship without a new person lined up.

Yes. I think that @DeftWasp is a person who NEEDS to be in a relationship and cannot fathom anybody leaving one without a new person lined up.

A couple doesn’t need a showy proposal. They can sit down and simply decide to get married. This woman tried to have that conversation and he said no. He rejected her first.

When your grandparents' love story sounds like an episode of Crime Watch...

Your husband is correct, your son needs to stop contacting his ex. She's made her decision, and he now needs to accept it. It's not surprising she's asking him to move out, it would have been difficult for the both of them living under the same roof. Your son needs to find somewhere else to live, even if that means temporarily coming back to the family home.

Your son was with his girlfriend for 3 years yet didn't want to commit to her. There must have been something holding him back from proposing, otherwise he'd have asked her. I suspect although he thought a lot of her, it wasn't enough to make him want to propose. In which case, it shows that she wasn't the right person for him. His ex, asked him for a timeframe and he couldn't give her one, and on top was dismissive of her question. It told her all she needed to know - he didn't want to commit to her.

She took the bull by the horns and decided that wasn't what she wanted and ended the relationship. She was correct in making that decision. You son may not realise it right now, but she has done them both a favour, giving them the opportunity to find someone else. Your son needs to understand that it's all too little too late, and he should have been adult enough to discuss their relationship, when she asked him a direct question.

People are bashing the son because his gf approached him about a serious topic, marriage, and he blew her off in a disrespectful way, telling her he wasn't going to be held to "silly timelines". He didn't address her or the topic with seriousness or respect. He addressed it like an asshole.

Now, he still is not respecting her. He's calling and texting trying to get her back when she has said they're done.

IOW, he is still not listening to her.

She's dodged a couple bullets here.

She didn't wait for him to ask, that's the whole point. She asked if he wanted to get married, he said no, she didn't want to hang around on hold and so she broke up with him. It's pretty straight forward.

I like the ex-girlfriend so much. It’s wonderful to see a young woman taking care of herself these days.

so often, reading about women that age on mumsnet, I find myself alternating between wanting to scream at the screen and just bang my head against the wall muttering “where did we go so wrong”

It's incredibly uncomfortable to have an ex beg to take you back. I don't blame her for blocking him. I knew a girl who had a guy turn up at her work, sit outside her house at night in his car....I'm not saying OP's son did this, but just the constant texts and calls made my friend so nervous. No means no. Why can't some men (and women in some cases) accept that? OP's husband sounds very sensible. I hope the son listens to his dad

According to OP' opening post in the first thread: "she did ask him if he wanted to marry her" and he said not now and that timelines were silly.

Asking someone if they want to marry you is a proposal in my book.

Beautifully stated and I completely agree.

I think at some point he will be honest and realise that, after 3 years there was a reason he did not even want to discuss timelines. He is comfortable in his current situation but she is not the one for him.

I know!

I also think that even if there is another man 'waiting in the wings', she gave her BF first refusal and he turned her down so there is nothing wrong with her looking elsewhere.

I predict she will be married and pregnant within 2 years.

She is already interested in someone else.

if it was that important she could have made the proposal

Why would she do this? She asked him if he wanted to get married and he said no. She asked about when he thought that answer might change and he refused to discuss timelines.

Responding to these clear answers by planning a proposal would actually be toxic. It shows you don't respect the answer you were given and you're going to try to put them on the spot to get them to give in to what you want.

This goes for both sexes - if your partner tells you point blank that they don't want to be married yet and don't want to even talk about a date to get married (which is the entire concept of an engagement) then do not plan and carry out some big proposal scene. It's manipulative.

Yes she wouldn’t let him
stay at her place if she had someone else
lined
up

Sorry your son is upset. It cant be easy for you as a Mum to watch him learn this hard lesson in love. But I do think yabu. I think when he said he is not into 'silly' timelines was a little dismissive. If this woman is serious about her future and family planning, then 3 years is about the right time to be asking what the future holds. She gave him the opportunity to show her how serious he is and he showed her he is not that serious. She obviously loves him but loves herself more as it should be right? It is probably for the best for him. He could meet someone who sees marriage in the future but is just as relaxed about it as he is. Or he could meet someone and really love them and learn from this experience and show how serious he is about the future and not let her slip away again. Hope he can find some perspective in all of this and he is able to move forward positively.

That was such a weird thread! The lengths people go to to blame others for their problems...

OP, it's normal enough to message/phone and try to apologise but there comes a point where it crosses the line into harassment. I'd encourage your ds to listen to his dad for the next while.

I think there is a lot of bashing of the OPs son, they are not compatible because she wants a commitment and he does not.

She has dumped him, which she is quite within her rights to do.

He has begged for another chance (unwise as it rarely works) but he'll not be the first man or woman to do so.

He's not the devil, he's just not right for her or vice versa, and they have broken up, looks like its going to be a bit acrimonious, most break ups are to some extent

You should both listen to your husband. What the hell was your son thinking texting and calling her after the suggested pity "proposal" call after she dumped him? He sounds a bit dim.

Why would she propose.
She asked about timeframes and he clearly is not ready. How would her proposing change that?

And there is nothing wrong with not wanting to marry. But that means you are incompatible with somebody who does want marriage so separating is correct.

Ooh, I haven't seen that. Just a thread or a whole topic? I purposely specified AIBU because the juxtaposition is particularly fine.

She did ask him and he put her in a holding pattern, expecting that she would wait indefinitely if that was his preference.

Thank goodness she had enough self respect to say, actually O have made my own decision to walk away.

I am also of the opinion that it is much much more likely that you are projecting your own value system, than it is that she has a replacement lined up. My guess is she will take some time alone to revel in her fabulousness and then come out ready to meet men.
She is a total Queen.

In what way? Its mostly accurate from what the op has said in both threads (the inaccurate bit being that she's visiting Poland to see family)

You are absolutely psychic! 😆