Son dumped by gf -update

He denied her any agency by saying it was silly to discuss marriage and set a timeline, and that he’d decide. I’m glad she’s taken back her agency by kicking him out.

I had an ex who did this after I ended it, it was about 15 years ago and it still makes me shudder when I think about how he just wouldn’t leave me alone or just accept it and give me the space I needed.

I actually agree with you on this one. She's made it clear it's over and, once the shock of a break up has passed, he will probably realise it was for the best. They weren't on the same page. If he doesn't want to get married, he should find someone with a similar outlook.

I think age is a factor here. I think three years in your teens to late twenties isn't that long, but three years in your mid thirties onwards is long enough.

Regardless of that, it wasnt the answer that the gf wanted, so she's perfectly reasonable to end the relationship. The 'silly timeframe' attitude would have done it for me, too. It's so dismissive and patronising. She's entitled to want things and have her own timeframes.

A continuing long running thread.

Some very weird takes on this thread. So what would she have done if he had enthusiastically said yes, told him that she was only joking?

Your son sounds like a pathetic specimen. He made the bed he's currently weeping in. His ex GF sounds epic! A woman who refuses to be strung along and used for housing and easy comfort, wasting the best years of her life on someone who won't commit. She's better off alone and having fun and the chance to meet a keeper. Good for her!

It is, insofar as OPs son is going too far in trying to win her back - OP needs to support her son in getting moved out before she returns and not being silly and going from broken hearted dumped guy to guy in court for harassment.

Well now he’s learned two valuable lessons, 1. If a woman asks about timelines for getting married that means she wants to get married, if you don’t want to marry her be upfront about it and if you do then get on and do it. 2. Never harass a woman, why would he want to be with someone who had to be harassed into the relationship?

Nonsense, it's men that don't leave a relationship unless they've got someone else lined up, not women, as a rule.

Why is it so difficult for some of you to accept that a woman will throw back a decent guy just because she doesn't think it's right, women aren't all desperate to grab a man at any cost. As someone said upthread, she's a woman that knows her own worth, it's better for both of them in the long run.

Yes. I suspect the son was the one hedging his bets and thought he could just live in her house until someone better came along. Then got a kick up the arse when she behaved as a perfectly reasonable woman with agency. I would love either of my DS's to end up with a confident woman who knew what she wanted. Boys and men can be quite immature. Sometimes they need a strong woman to make them grow up. Even if that means dumping them. They dont need to be told the world owes Mummys little Soldier a favour!

I'm not saying OPs son is a bad person, he's immature and it's really shown.

She voiced clearly what she wanted and he dismissed her and called her silly, then is surprised she left to find what she wanted. After 3 years, living together, 30 years old - what exactly was he waiting for to be magically ready?

And then he makes it worse with a shut up ring. Suddenly the man that was no where near ready to even discuss engagement is offering to buy a ring tomorrow. If he genuinely wasn't ready before she broke up with him, he can't be ready now. Now she knows he's after engagement not because he wants to marry her and is excited for her to be his spouse, but because she dumped him. And now he's harassing her because he still isn't getting what he wants.

OPs son needs to take a good hard look at himself, see how this was precisely his own fault, and accept her decision. And not make the same mistake should he be lucky enough to find someone again.

it is not your problem op

Absolutely, I think he's gone a touch too far already - he needs to collect his stuff from her place (preferably before she gets back) and have no further communication with her.

Anything further would almost certainly reach the bar for harassment - OPs son does not want to be that guy - for one thing its deplorable behaviour, but also its a criminal record that will end up stalking him in terms of fitness for future employment checks and not relationship checks.

I don't disagree with you and the ball is very much in her court right now. I am not suggesting he carries on with his current harassment, quite the opposite, or he does risk being reported. In his current place, it is more about doing no further damage than he seems to have already done. Every now and then though, if someone does a 180 on their poor behaviour and demonstrates emotional growth and dignity in their dumping, their ex pauses and thinks again. Whether she does or not is up to her, but crying, begging, pleading, finding ways to get in touch etc (or turning up daily with flowers like PP's grandad) will sure as hell slam shut any slight crack in the door that she might have left open for him.

My daughter was stalked by her ex when she finished with him. It was really scary. Ended up in court because he would not leave her alone. What your son might see as reasonable might not be seen like that by her - or by the police if she contacts them and shows evidence of worrying attempts to get her back. This stuff can spiral very quickly.

Bollocks. That’s just a way of OP’s son avoiding acknowledging that he massively stuffed this up.
Why can’t people accept that it is actually very common to end a relationship just to be alone and never have to look at your ex again.

30 is a bit old to be being a bit immature though.

I don't think he should even contemplate "trying to win her back" he needs to get clear of her and move on - if he makes efforts to try and win her back he simply risks getting a collar from Mr Plod for harassment.

She's kicking him out and has blocked him, its done, he needs to move on.

By the way, when you said on the previous thread that she was taking a risk dumping him at 27, maybe I could remind you that he was that age when they met, and he found someone. The one taking the risk was him, being prepared to be flippant about making a commitment.

If he is serious about wanting to win her back, he will have to show her that he has learned and grown. Which means leaving her the fuck alone, standing on his own two feet and working on himself. I doubt it will be as straightforward as him just packing up and moving out, so maybe their paths will cross for long enough for him to show her his self improvement. And maybe he will get the opportunity to apologise for not taking her seriously, wish her well and offer her the sincere hope that in time, she may be willing to have him back. ON HER TERMS. Meaning if she says no, not interested, he walks away. In her shoes, I wouldn't have him back, but he has to do the work himself to even have a speck of a chance.

I dont think op's son is as bad as some posters are making out. He seems to be a bit immature and has made some mistakes in his handling of the situation. I agree with pp who have said the gf has obviously been mulling this over for some time and decided that if op son isnt willing to commit then she is out. That has to be respected. A pity proposal isnt what any women wants and is frankly insulting. Its clear the gf wanted to settle down quicker than op son who was dismissive of her attempts to discuss the matter, and therefore they aren't compatible. Hopefully they will both find more suitable people in the future.

Maybe. Although no evidence? But if so, she's still done the right thing.

“Momtoboys”.

Of course.

She’s a terrible person for asserting her agency and leaving a man who belittled her desire to future plan and discuss timeframes after 3 years.

I know I don't know him but I'm so proud of your husband 🤩

Nope, I'm simply stating I suspect there is someone else in the background, and I'm not saying that is wrong - she clearly isn't compatible with OPs son, and he was clearly disrespectful/dismissive of her marriage nudges -

I think in this case she will shortly be with someone else, might be wrong - but not saying it is wrong.