Son dumped by gf -update

“ As soon as his behaviour made her feel uncomfortable she acted and we should be applauding that, not blaming her for his behaviour.”

I agree with this. Remember, she was willing for him to stay in her flat when she was away. So she wasn’t the ogre. She only blocked him when his behaviour became intolerable.

A lots of your posts sound like you’re blaming her for his behaviour.

And you don’t need to school me about domestic violence and men who ‘adore’ their partners but can’t cope when the relationship ends.
My mum was killed by her partner. Just because she ended the relationship. Guess what he did in the days leading up to killing her? Bombarded her with calls and texts saying how much he loved her.

I’m not saying this is how this situation would end BUT men need to understand how their behaviour can make women feel and how we all know that the end of a relationship is when women are most vulnerable to harassment and violence. Incessant texts and calls is NOT good behaviour and needs to be called out. Blocking him was the right thing to do.
It doesn’t matter what happened before or how she behaved post break up. As soon as his behaviour made her feel uncomfortable she acted and we should be applauding that, not blaming her for his behaviour.

It’s not a race to the bottom. Just because you have experienced worse than the woman in question doesn’t make his behaviour acceptable.

It was for me I think

Was this for me or @Roobarbtwo ? (Because I agree with you!)

It is harassment, though. I went to the police because after I'd blocked someone, he then started to send stuff to my work. The police told me I should have gone to them sooner, when it was 'just' messaging.

How did it come out of the blue when he knew they’d had the conversation a few months before? I don’t think the son is necessarily a bad person, but he wouldn’t be the first man to be completely dismissive of other people’s feelings and to expect whatever he wants to be what should happen. Hopefully next time he’s in a relationship, he will do better.

I never said it was about me. I just don't agree with you that his behaviour was harassment. We don't know all the ins and outs of what went wrong or what was said in the conversations.

Now you are surmising how out of the blue it was - and the OPs take on it probably isn't what happened? Why would you say that? Why do people always have to react to threads with what they think happened?

No. I'm not blaming her for his behaviour. I'm simply saying she could have blocked him sooner if his behaviour was upsetting her

BTW you've tagged the wrong person in. My username isn't rhubarb24

I'm quite sure you know that wasn't what I said. Please don't put words into my mouth. I was making the point that she dumped him out of the blue and then went off to get ready for a party - after a three year relationship. Obviously he was very upset and people don't always make rational choices when they are upset

By the way. You don't need to school me on what domestic violence is. I grew up in the time when battering your wife was just a domestic..

My mum still has scars on her face where my stepfather took his elbow off her face and split her lip and refused to allow her to go to hospital and she's very lucky to be alive because my stepfather tried to kill her and my brother - I'll say no more than that

There's no suggestion that this man has been violent to her or that she's at risk because his mum said he adored her

I honestly can't be bothered debating the "what ifs".

Are we all just supposed to sit and post that he's a terrible awful person because he reacted the wrong way to being dumped out of the blue?

Men who abuse women don't do so because they adore them. They do it because they hate them. My stepfather certainly did not adore my mum - his behaviour bore that out

With all due respect @Rhubarb24 this thread isn't about you.

The OP said in her first post that the gf dumped him out of the blue and then went off to get ready for a party

So? And that's the OP's take as though she ended it and marched out the door without a backward glance which probably isn't what happened. And I wonder how "out of the blue" it actually was? What was she supposed to do, cancel a social event to have an awkward evening with him?

They also had communication at some point clearly because he said he would buy a ring and she said no

Yes obviously she didn't block him immediately until he overstepped - that's reasonable - presumably she was open to them being in some form of contact as she said he could stay on for a few days? Not sure what your point is?

She could also have blocked him sooner. If someone is phoning you and you don't want to talk to them - block them

Are you blaming her for his behaviour? She wasn't expecting to have to block him but once he kept ringing and texting it got to a point where she had had enough and she had to. If she had had a crystal ball I'm sure she would have blocked him at the start.

So because ‘he adored her’ he gets to harass her?

It doesn’t matter if he adored her or not. She ended the relationship, which is her right. If she doesn’t want him to call and text her repeatedly (which is what we’ve been told he did) then she did the right thing by blocking him. His adoration is irrelevant.

Lots of us know of men who ‘adored’ their partners so much they ended up doing unspeakable things.

She could have blocked him sooner. None of us know what the dynamic of their relationship was. The OPs mum said he adored her. I think she knows better than people on here whether he cared for his gf or not than a bunch of people on here - myself included

Over a 15 month period between 2018 and 2019 I had unwanted packages sent to my home. I had multiple hate accounts on twitter dedicated to me. I was doxxed hundreds of times. I was reported to the dwp for benefit fraud I wasn't committing.

There were threats to come and find and harm me. One tweet threatening to maim me.

Photos of my house went on twitter. I had police sent to my door to harass me.

I know exactly what harassment is. I have lived through it to the point my life was almost ruined. If the OPs gf went to police and asked if that was harassment - they would show her the door. Because it took 7 attempts for police to do something to help me - even when photos of my home were going on social media -they couldn't have cared less

The OP said in her first post that the gf dumped him out of the blue and then went off to get ready for a party

They also had communication at some point clearly because he said he would buy a ring and she said no

She could also have blocked him sooner. If someone is phoning you and you don't want to talk to them - block them

But it was enough for her to block him. That’s all we need to know.

I think it interesting that his mum has tried to paint him in a good light and still the vast majority of us think he’s behaved poorly.

Just need to go on what the OP said:

my son kept texting and calling her

So a lot then

At the end of the day the exgf wanted to discuss marriage and the op’s son didn’t. They’re on different pages. Neither right and neither wrong.

What the ds shouldn’t do now is continue to contact his ex as she has made it quite clear she is not open to restarting their relationship. They can both move on and each find someone else who wants the same things and at the same time.

“Texting someone for three days when you are broken hearted isn't harassment in my view”

Broken hearted or feeling inconvenienced because he knows he has to move out? 😬

Either way it is harassment, and especially selfish in this situation when she was on a city break with her mates and clearly didn’t have the time or capacity to deal with it .

He’s 30 not 13, he should have more self-control and been able to send at most the one text saying “ okay I hear you enjoy your break, I’ll call you when you get back and maybe we can talk?” or words to that effect and then left the ball in her court z

Maybe after a few days of fun and things cooled down she would’ve been open to a conversation. Or maybe she wouldn’t have been - and that still would’ve been a valid decision.

However it was pure stupidity to inflame the situation like that by ignoring her wishes for you to leave her alone in the immediate aftermath of this. He will have actually solidified her view that he’s not the one for her through those actions.

No we don't. But there's always someone here to pop up with the worst version of what might have happened isn't there

Popular culture has lots of examples of men pursuing women and it all working out. They get these messages and think it's ok and even highly masculine behaviour which will be a winner when she realises the error of her ways . It's a real problem because the guys in the films are always successful- you don't see them get a restraining order slapped on them. She inevitably comes back.

We don't know how many texts he sent. If there were say 20 plus, that would be intimidating on its own, and we also don't know the tone or content.

Just because some people have had worse situations doesn't make the son's better @Roobarbtwo . He's carried on contacting her to the point she's blocked him and withdrawn allowing him to stay on for a few days.

Texting someone for three days when you are broken hearted isn't harassment in my view

Then you'd be wrong. And he was texting and calling.

Are people just supposed to get over a three year relationship in five minutes and have "self respect" so they aren't accused of harassing an ex they've tried to contact for three days?

Yes. When a relationship is over it's over and continually contacting someone against their wishes is harrassment. We all know break ups are painful but they shouldn't be used as an excuse for poor behaviour. Time frames are beside the point, he should have stopped as soon as she told him to.

BTW I haven't picked him and the OP apart or call him a cocklodger.

If you ask someone to stop contacting you and they continue then it’s harassment and the appropriate thing to do is block that individual.

Repeated contact when you've asked someone to stop contacting you is harassment.

Oh for goodness sake. How completely ridiculous. They had been in a relationship for three years. Living together. She ended it completely out of the blue and then went off on holiday. You don't think someone is going to be upset and want to talk?

Harassment? I know someone who when they split with their partner who they had been living with for 20 years in a house they both owned. Their partner threw them out. They threw their clothes out in the back garden

They texted and phoned them abuse. They reported the persons mum for council tax fraud as soon as they moved back home temporarily. They contacted the TV licencing to report them for not having a TV licence - when they don't have a Tv

That's harassment.

Are people just supposed to get over a three year relationship in five minutes and have "self respect" so they aren't accused of harassing an ex they've tried to contact for three days?

People don't always behave the way that people on these boards think they should when they are upset and broken hearted.

None of us know what was said between them or much more about the relationship apart from she wanted to get engaged and he didn't

Some people on this thread decided that he did something inappropriate or turned up at her work do and proposed - do people always need to fill in the blanks with what they think might have happened?

How is his behaviour appalling - you don't know that he was pestering her for three days. You've just assumed this. He was in a relationship for three years. He was dumped. I think it's pretty normal to want to try and contact someone when they've cut you out of your life very suddenly.

Honestly. The OP and her son have been picked apart on here - as if they are both the worst people on the planet

Someone referred to him as a "cock lodger". They were living together for three years. It's quite normal for people to live with one another in a flat that one person owns.

There's no indication that he made her feel unsafe

BTW I'm female and I'm speaking as someone who has been harassed over a very long time period. Texting someone for three days when you are broken hearted isn't harassment in my view

Harassment is months of unwanted contact - or worse.

Some of us have experience of the ex who wouldn’t stop trying to ‘convince’ an ex partner for another chance. We’ve seen it tip into harassment (or worse) and therefore won’t tolerate this type of behaviour.
If he was making her feel uncomfortable then she has every right to do what she needs to do to feel safe. He needs to respect that.