Son dumped by gf -update

My DH’s best friend dumped his GF of 10 years. They met at similar time to DH and I. Our timeline was moving in, engagement in 2 years, married, travel and bought a house. (Outside of that timeframe we had a DC).

For 10 years that woman waited for a commitment to move in! She should have done what OP’s ex-future DIL did and pulled the pin early on. The best friend is still chasing women, not committed, lives with his mum and he is now in his mid-40s.

How is it, that in a clear cut, thoroughly outlines situation, some people still wilfully manage to read it so wrong.

Is he upset about having to move out and cook his own meals? Or upset he didn't dump her before she dumped him?

Also from the previous thread: "she did ask him if he wanted to marry her". He said no not right now and that timelines were silly.

That was her instigating it. She asked, he answered. I don't know why you're surprised that she would decide to move on after establishing that they wanted very different things.

Also what has Christmas got to do with it? She decided she wanted to end the relationship. Should she stay with him (and keep sleeping with him) for a few extra weeks because of a random holiday?

Your son needs to leave her alone.

I’m glad she didn’t bend up like someone I know, whose BF kept saying ‘It’s just a piece of paper!’ for 9 years, before going off with someone else and marrying them less than 12 months later.

And in the meantime, Mumsy wanted to get in touch with her to tell her to pull herself together, that she was getting too old to expect to make a good match anywhere else and settle for what Mummy's Little Darling was willing to give her. She's dodged an entire firing squad!

I think if she wants to get married and he doesn’t then she has done the right thing. 27 is very young to meet someone else and have kids.
But…I don’t think in future generations as many people are going to get married. I don’t think it is something people “have to” do. I think couples have that conversation in the beginning then that would avoid anyone being messed around or made to wait, which isn’t nice.
I wouldn’t get married now for financial reasons. Eg I want my children to inherit from me not a future husband. That doesn’t mean I am being disrespectful to my partner of 4 years or that I’m not committed. Marriage isn’t right in every situation.

So without all the facts I think:
If he led her on and said early on that he did want to get married and didn’t propose then that’s awful.
If they agreed not to get married but she changed her mind then that’s fair enough and completely fine that she ended it.

But if he hasn’t promised anything and wasn’t ready to get married yet/ didn’t want to get married then I think that’s his choice and also her choice to end it because of that. It does sound like he was saying it would happen in the future at a time of his choosing rather than saying he was against marriage from the start though which isn’t very fair.

The only point I’m trying to make is that I think it’s fine for people to not want to get married as long as they are clear about this and don’t mess people around. It’s also fine for people to decide that’s not good enough for them and to walk away. I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to get married though when so many marriages don’t work out. It shouldn’t just be assumed that everyone will get married.

This!

Your DH seems like he has the full handle on the situation whereas you & your DS are still living in cloud cuckoo land!

And she did propose.
She asked him if he wanted to marry her and discuss timeframes.

He Shot down the discussion as “silly”.

But the GF wanted to get married! And she did put the question of marriage in front of him. And he, the BF, didn't say he didn't want marriage, he said he didn't want,' silly time lines'.

Ridiculous. It was a panic proposal. Nobody wants a panic proposal and a shut up ring.
She wants a man who WANTS to marry her
and is excited to do so.

Exactly.

I even admire her a little as well because no one - man or woman - wants to feel like they've had to force their partner into marriage. She's right to go looking for someone who is clear about whether they want to marry her.

Not accepting his insulting offer to go buy a ring, after he made clear he isn't interested in marrying her, just to stop her ending the relationship in no way suggests she's looking for a "showy" proposal.

She just wants to be marrying someone who actually wants to marry her. Not someone who labelled her as silly when she wanted to discuss future with him.

She's changed her mind because my son kept texting and calling her begging for another chance and she's said it's all a bit much

Is there any possibility at all of him realising what a mess he's made of this whole thing? And does he have any respect for women's agency at all?

There's absolutely nothing wrong in not being ready for marriage, even if his comment about silly timelines was very hurtful, but why on earth would he be surprised that's she's now made her own choice, and worse still keep pestering her about it?

Good. He needs to leave her alone now. He had his chance and he messed it up.

Even if there is someone waiting for her. As long as they haven’t done anything before they split it’s fine.

If IF someone else is waiting for her and she was possibly interested she still gave ops son the chance to be her fiancé and presumably go no chance sorry to the other chap.

Ops son went haha silly girl time lines hahaha marry when I want. She went hmmm dick move. Then dumped him. Free to sleep with anyone or marry anyone she likes at that point.

and you know what good for her if she became single and has found someone willing to give her the world by new years fuck it, it’s her life.

He is free to be on bumble or whatever right now looking for someone new as well.

From previous thread:

“He spoke to her yesterday and told her he'd go out tomorrow and buy a ring and they could start planning
She said no that isn't what she wants now!
So I don't think she knows what she wants
Starting again at 27 is risky she may not meet anyone for a few years”

I actually think he may have dodged a bullet. She sounds like she wanted a big romantic proposal, she wants the showy gesture, not just to get married. If she wanted to get married why didn’t she propose to him? It’s not 1950, she can instigate it.

He can move out and learn from this, if his partner discusses marriage it’s probably a sign that it’s important to them, if marriage isn’t important to him, maybe that’s not the right relationship.

It’s a pretty shitty thing to do this close to Christmas though.

She didn’t want all his silly behaviour, don’t blame her!

It’s better that he is moving out because he needs to think about everything and being at the same place is a bit confusing for both of them.
And yes, it’s better not to contact her as there might be a case for harassment.

These both threads have a lot of helpful advices. Some posts including mine looked probably harsh but it was about making message honest, clear and short.
The main lesson for you is that you don’t know what’s going on in others lives and how they behave at home even if it’s your own children.
Zero chance that everything was well in your DS relationship with his GF, no one goes to break up after one conversation, your DS certainly showed lack of understanding and missed a lot of clues.
A relative of mine was in the same situation. He was devastated a few months, then met his now wife. 10 years down the line he is married with children. He learnt his lesson and spent much less time dating his now wife- they were married and expecting a child after just a bit more than a year. 😉

I have one child, a son and yes I do think the son shines out of him! However, I would NEVER interfere in his love life. Clearly they were at different points in life and, sadly, she is under no obligation to wait around for him.

Also, women can't afford to waste time if they want children, especially when they are approaching their 30s. It's not fair, but it's true. Men can just carry on their merry way and decide to settle down when they are in their 40s. A woman doing the same has greater risks.

Absolutely. And I bet you a million quid @DeftWaspis male. Men don’t tend to let go of the vine until they’ve swung over and grasped the next one…women, not so much.

Some folks are so eager to believe she has someone in the wings, but that makes the least sense.

She asked the young man about marriage and he said his actions wouldn't be dictated by 'silly timelines'. That literally spelt the end of the relationship as they want different things.

There was nowhere else for the conversation to go, as a woman with a healthy level of self-respect and a clear direction for their life wasn't going to beg or hang around ad infinitum, waiting for him to finally be ready. She's done exactly what we advise women on MN to do.

And harrassment is just unattractive and unacceptable, so now he's blocked and needs to hurry along as he's made living together until NY untenable.