Son dumped by gf -update

I was going to write so much to your comment because a lot of it is wrong but then I saw your username and that explained a lot

She got a proposal out of him, and said no. She would have said yes if her intention was to force him.

“Surely you don’t fall out of love that quick.“

Of course you can. I have. Love can turn off in an instant, and when that happens there’s no point in dragging the corpse along.

I’m team son.

He’s completely allowed to feel the way he felt when she asked him if he wanted to marry her.

He felt the gf putting pressure on him and he sounds like he did not want to feel under pressure.

If the genders were reversed no-one would support a man applying pressure to a woman to get married.

The many posters supporting team gf because she knows what she wants are prime hypocrites.

If the gf wanted marriage she could have:
a) started the conversation a second and a third time.
b) proposed an engagement to him
c) proposed marriage to him.

It sounds like the gf stewed on one conversation and without a series of conversations or distress flares she went ahead and ended everything giving him very little notice.

That’s not marriage and partnership material behaviour. That’s not kindness in action.
And that certainly was not love in action.
The now ex-gf had only her needs in mind and clearly didn’t care about his feelings/wants and needs.

The conversation could have been the starting point of a beautiful dialogue of understanding each other’s needs, triggers, desires and vulnerabilities.

But no, the gf had to pull the trigger.

There’s another man somewhere, and she’s interested, I guarantee it.

The 30 year old son is well away from such petulant and childish behaviour.

She probably doesn't have anyone else. Just decided when he called her silly in their conversation that she wasn't going to go into another year of waiting for a ring.

It was clear he had zero intentions so she ended it.

People thinking she's moved on quickly is a sign of her having someone else- honestly, she's probably been building up the 'conversation' in her head for a while, and she was prepared for the 'no' to mean the end of the relationship. She'd come to terms with that long before the day of that conversation. She was prepared.

She's got a goal in mind. Maybe she already knew that it was going to be a no. Maybe she does have her eyes on someone else but would have settled down if he was ready to do so. At her age, I was at a similar crossroads and could have gone one way or another. She's got time to see if there's other people out there, or time to go enjoy being single a while while finding her feet again.

He's hurt at the moment but hopefully he learns from it. He's at an age where women are wanting to plan; if they want a family they will want a timeline. If HE wants a family he needs to start thinking of these things, too.

“And the break up just come out of nowhere”

I love how you think that your son has all the time in the world to propose but she’s getting on a bit to be starting again. You have raised a belter there. Well done.

Yes. It’s perfectly possible that the GF just felt that being single was preferable to being with him. That’s a tough pill to swallow—much tougher than ‘she’s cruel and he dodged a bullet’—but there you go. The idea that she’s pulled a crafty one and lined up his replacement already might make some people feel vindicated, but it doesn’t mean it’s what’s happened. As for him having to move out immediately, that’s just good sense. If he’s so much better off without her he should have no trouble finding his feet again in short order.

Your husband sounds very sensible to me. If your son keeps contacting her against her wishes he could end up with a restraining order against him.

The conversation when he called her silly happened a while ago so it's not like she tried to discuss marriage on Saturday and dumped him on Sunday.

There's also nothing to say she doesn't love him - not wanting to stay with someone who belittles her when she tries to discuss the future is a sensible choice even if she is still smitten.

Shock Horror, perhaps she left him for nobody

I had an ex GF who didnt even manage to move in with me and eventually the whole business went cold.

I was 10 years her junior but she lost any opportunity she might have had to have children

Could she have not done this to make him realise what he has lost and force him into a proposal 🤷‍♀️
I have to say she is being very strong if she loved him one minute enough to get married to him and then not enough the next to end things and kick him out. Surely you don’t fall out of love that quick.
Could she be playing a game?
if not I have to say hats off to her for ending it when she must still love him. I wonder what he would have said if he knew it was the ultimatum it turned out to be!

Poor girl, she just wanted to make sure she and him were on the same page. All very normal for her age. And he showed he wasn't. Why should she wait for him? Why is the man in control of her destiny?

I bet they've had the conversation quite a few times and this was the final straw. She can't waste more years on him if he won't commit.

Good for her for knowing what she wants.

He really needs to listen to his dad. His ex has made it clear she's done, and for good reason, so he needs to stop harassing her. It's not a good look and she could rightfully get the police involved if he refuses to stop.

Yes I have to say my experience is that me. Propose quickly if they feel it’s right

This was my first thought probably because twenty odd years ago I was the girlfriend in this scenario and that's what happened with me. My ex and I had been together longer (7 years ) but were younger (both 25) and I just got tired of waiting. I did love him and I do think he would have married me eventually but given that he met someone a year later and still didn't marry her for another 8 years, I still think I made the right decision. I was engaged within a few months and married 18 months later - I was just ready for that and he wasn't.

I waited and waited for my fiance to actually agree to the wedding. One day I just realised, he wasn't going to do it. The ring was to 'shut me up' basically. I kidded myself it's because he wasn't interested in marriage.

18 months later he walked down the aisle with someone else after 10 years with me. He just hadn't wanted to marry ME. A harsh lesson.

I might add we are still very close, he's like my brother really, and we still talk. Once, after a few drinks, he admitted he screwed things up and he was sorry. He proposed to his now wife because he didn't want to mess up twice (fair enough)

We are both now happily married to other people but I would always tell people, he's just not that into you - move on!

Nothing more unappealing than somebody who rejected and mocked you at your most vulnerable (ie, asking about if marriage/a proposal was on the horizon) to then show that he could have done it at any point only when she's already well and truly fallen out of love with him. Except for when they refuse to leave as they 'haven't got anywhere to go, I'll have to sleep in the park if you make me go now - IT'S CHRISTMAS' and then bombard you, showing that there is absolutely no respect for your decision.

I've experienced it (from somebody who was very similar with the gameplaying when it actually mattered to me). It's amazing how they suddenly decide they can't exist without you once their free housing is revoked and they're looking at moving into their old bedroom with a faded Power Rangers quilt cover and three boxes of stuff ready to go up into the loft once the tree's brought down on the bed.

She fell out of love when he mocked her and she realised that he'll never, ever be somebody she can trust not to hurt her. It took a few weeks for him still around quite happy that she had finally shut up about something so stupid as wanting to be married (and giving him a legal entitlement towards her property, pensions and savings, by the way). And that meant she could see all of him in cold, clear daylight - his selfishness, his belief that she's punching up, that he could do whatever he liked and she'd meekly go along with it because he was so fantastic.

Next part in the script of the dumped man child is 'She dumped me for another man'. Because they can't conceive that a woman would ever be capable of making a decision without somebody else's cock and balls doing her thinking for her. Which turns into 'She was cheating on me for months and dumped me at Christmas AND I'D BOUGHT HER A RING'.

She's done a marvellous job for your future DIL OP.

He's going to treat the next girlfriend so much better and appreciate what he has instead of taking her for granted.

Try to see it as a good thing. He really wasn't that into her but when he meets 'the one' he won't drag his heels.

I wish him all the best for the future.

We don’t know that she was or is in any sort of rush to get married. She may have been quite happy to wait a few years, or hell, maybe she was questioning whether or not she was really invested in the relationship anymore, and wanted to know where he stood. OP’s son didn’t bother to engage in conversation long enough to find out though, he just completely shut her down.

She was asking him if he saw marriage in their future, and if so on what sort of timeline. That’s a ‘where do you think we’re going?’ conversation, hardly a demand for a ring by X date and no later.

Someone who was actually trying to force him into marriage before he was ready would have accepted his panicked proposal.

Dh sounds very sensible.

I hope DS feels better soon and moves on quickly

She did instigate it and he belittled her. He only said he'd get a ring because she dumped him.

Tell your son to stop being a needy loser. He should’ve played it cool and had a conversation when she returned. He screwed himself. He needs to have some self-respect. The fact she hadn’t booted him out immediately meant there was still a chance, now. Well, he’s screwed now isn’t he. Life lesson learned I hope.

In fairness OP had the sense not to do this, and I honestly do understand it will be awful to see DS so upset, but in light of his mum's heavy involvement - and this with a 30 year old man - I do wonder if there were any other red flags for the ex ...

She had a lucky escape no one wants to be with a boy whose mummy feels she has the right to talk for him.