Son dumped by gf -update

I agree with everyone else saying your husband is right. You need to stop babying him. He’s messed her around and she had enough. Good for her. And someone needs to tell him straight. Heartbroken he might be, but this will happen again unless he hears what your husband is telling him.

“If you don’t want to be with someone you don’t have to be”

Which is exactly why the son shied away from ‘marriage’ - she might have been a gf but she wasn’t a wife.

Yes, by all means pander to him and sympathise with him and give him all he needs to ensure he doesn't learn from this and continues to mess future women about in the same way and blame them for his shortcomings.

Your dh is right on the money and your son is the problem here as actually are you. The internalised misogyny is strong with you isn't it.

Did he fanny around making you beg for some commitment? Or did he get on with it and ask you to marry him?

I disagree.

You can love someone very deeply, and then something happens that is like a bucket of ice being tipped over your head and suddenly, you're seeing that familiar face as if for the first time and it's not at all what you thought it was. Often referred to on Mumsnet as 'getting the ick'.

She saw her future with OP's son, but that conversation a few months back showed her that he didn't really see his future with her; she saw that he didn't think of her as Miss Right, he saw her as Miss Right-Now.

Bucket of ice, slap in the face, woke up and smelled the coffee, shock to the system, wake-up call, scales falling from her eyes, getting the ick - call it what you will, it happened, and as a result of that conversation.

Or, more likely in my opinion, it's been building slowly, her love dying the death of a thousand cuts served up by his thoughtless taking her for granted; and that last-hope conversation crystallised that she'd been kidding herself for years and he wasn't committed to her at all, so why flog a dead horse?

(Apologies for all the cliches, but sadly I see what has happened to this couple as just that.)

The mother of adult sons, I’d offer little sympathy but echo your DH who is spot on. Stop mollycoddling your son if you want him to learn and avoid a similar situation.

We have no idea how many chances he's already had. If you've got an image in your head of the man you love going down on one knee and asking you to marry him, it takes a lot to chuck that wish away for a conversation where you are worried he might laugh at you or get stroppy. And she's taken that chance, abandoned that little, silly, romantic dream where for once, she's got the fairy tale - for him to laugh and say he's not interested in her emotions about it and won't do it even as a completely unromantic 'yeah, alright, let's buy a ring on Saturday'.

Sometimes blunt is kind

She did. He said no.

He then called her wish to discuss timelines "silly".

No your son doesn't need sympathy.

His exGF is the one who has had her heart broken (by your son) and he needs to learn from this monumental faff-up. His dad is spot on.

I think you should reflect that instead of blaming the gf, perhaps you should have had a conversation with him about his plans some time ago, OP. Or your DH maybe. If my son were three years into a relationship, I'd be asking about any marriage plans. If it was clear he was stalling while she was willing, I'd ask why, and point out that the pitfalls of stringing her along any further.

Anyway, he's in the find out phase of fucking around, and you'll have to support him now.

Sympathy for his feelings, but only in the framework of the relationship being over and he needs to learn from it if he doesn’t want it to happen again.

It will be good for him to learn that good women are not to be taken for granted. He really underestimated her, didn’t he.

As his mother, you definitely at some point over the next few weeks need to say that his actions showed he didn’t really see her as long term, and that she is fully right to walk away with her dignity intact.
His words and actions demonstrated to her that the relationship wasn’t that important to him- and if it was important why did he choose not to communicate openly with her.

She did. He said No.

HOW ARE YOU STILL SO BLINKERED? Seriously. She probably did, very much. So much so that she wanted to plan a future with him. But HE rejected her. So she’s given it time and mentally prepared herself for the split. He hasn’t understood what she wanted (or was too selfish to) and that is reinforced by all his subsequent behaviour. It also looks like it’s behaviour learned from you. Please wake up and take these posts to heart. Hopefully you’ll have read that 27 or 30 isn’t too old to start again and he can make someone else a much better partner. But it won’t happen without a bit of introspection. Stop blaming her!

Nah. That is probably what 2 of my exes thing. But I tried to talk to them. They ignored me. Love ends when your feelings are ignored.

And TBH, he sounds a little unstable, bordering on stalkerish. That'd push her away even faster. I have been there. Nothing permanently slams the door, incites active dislike, more than being hounded.

You really need to let him know that if he doesn't full-on stop now, that she could end up going to the police.

I love the if she loved him. That’s just another be nice be kind thrown at women.

How about if he loved her he wouldn’t have called her wanting to know a possible future silly. He wouldn’t have waited till she was ready to leave to be ready to commit. He wouldn’t have let her believe he didn’t really truely want her.

This whole if you love me is some teenage bullshit.

If you loved me you’d clean the toilet. If you love me you’d buy me a £5,000 necklace. If you loved me you’d (enter sex act). If you loved me you’d put up with it. If you loved me you wouldn’t leave.

Childish bullshit

Be nice. Be kind. Till it hurts someone’s man child son 🥱

I agree with this. A lot of posters who get a hard time (which you have) don't come back. I don't agree with what you've said etc but do appreciate you coming back

Better to make a clean break of it than dragging it out.

Yes, it was a very fair comment, and quite correct, and it did need to be said. Hopefully it's not being repeated though, as the OPs son will be grieving the loss of the relationship for a while, and even though it's really his own fault, it would be unkind of his dad to keep repeating this information.

Hopefully they will just now both help keep him distracted while he learns from his mistake and gets on with the next part of his life, without his ex.

Well she did, didn’t she.

Like it or not the tradition in the UK is for the man to propose to the woman, so she asked him in a roundabout way so that he wouldn’t feel emasculated and had the opportunity to ask her in the usual fashion, as people are bound to ask how the engagement came about.

My husband and I jointly decided to get married in a conversation initiated by me, I even paid for the engagement ring because I had a credit card with a good cashback offer on it, he still wanted to get down on one knee and ‘do it properly’.

Hahahahaha! I love a comedy comment 😅😆

Thanks for returning with an update op!

@OneGreenPoster

your husband is only speaking the truth though.

Why should she chase a man to love and marry her? She waited 3 years, let him live in her home. Asked him for a serious conversation. He laughs her off at 30’years of age like a child.

She left him. He tried to win her back saying he would propose, his then constantly Rang and messaged her. His the loser in the story chasing after the women who no longer wants him. He had his chance.

so yes team ex gf she knows her self worth

He is perfectly entitled to feel anyway he likes but, other people have sovereignty too.

They had that beautiful conversation where she was told “some indefinable time, now don’t be a silly moo.”
And don’t forget OP as his Mum is going to get the sanitized version, perfect for her rose tinted spectacles.

He wasn’t being pressured at all, he was asked a question, he gave the answer he wanted and she acted on that. When he did his panicking “I’ll give you a ring tomorrow” she recognized what was really happening and said No Thanks.

She isn’t required to wait indefinitely.
She isn’t required to get his permission to end the relationship.
She isn’t required to initiate further multiple conversations where it is wrong and pressuring for her to tell him that she is thinking of ending the relationship due to his stalling; and also wrong of her to not let him know that he is unwittingly killing her love for him.

The reason he felt it was pressure is because he knew he wouldn’t marry her, but he liked the convenience of her until his Wife turned up. She is well rid of him.