Son dumped by gf -update

Cocklodger! That's the word I was looking for! I've spent too long away from MN 😁

Just remember when she throws your shit out in a rage she still cares. When it’s folded neatly she’s done done.

She gave him till after Christmas till he pushed his luck. She’s done done.

Sympathy is fine, but pandering to his nonsense isn't. This breakup wasn't out of the blue, it wasn't the newly single best friend's fault, and spouting crap like 'If she truly loved him, she wouldn't have done this" is ridiculous. You could also make the argument that if he truly loved her, he wouldn't have left her hanging.

And the way he's dealt with it just makes him look desperate. He shouldn't have rung her up and told her he would buy a ring. He should have put his money where his mouth was, gone and bought the ring, stayed quiet for a week then turned up on Christmas Day and proposed, telling her he was sorry it took her dumping him to realise what he had, and acknowledging she might need time to think about it. That would have shown some financial investment, and some effort on his part. Instead, he's taking the lazy way out. Ringing and sending text messages takes very little effort.

If he truly wants to win her back, he needs to respect her boundaries and step away. Use this time to work on himself and try to get into a position to buy a property of his own. In six months, he could try approaching her, apologising, and asking if she would give him another chance. That discussion would need to include a timeline for marriage (note, I said marriage, not a proposal.) She may have met someone else by then but it's the only way he will have any chance.

It will also give him time to contemplate whether he does really want her, or whether it is the comfort of having a partner and living together that he misses. After six months, he might realise that he wants to move on himself.

I think that after the 'silly timelines' comment, the scales fell from GF's eyes and she saw DS for what he really is: a gold-digging cock lodger who had gotten his feet well and truly under her table and was quite happy with himself for getting wife privileges without making GF his wife. He was well and truly taking the piss out of her. Good on her for discovering her self-worth and getting on with her life.
DS has FO and FO.

The son did not want her as a wife. She obviously wasn’t good enough. He stayed at her home for [his own] convenience.

Why can’t you all accept that he has the right to say “no thanks” by his behaviour?

How does his volunteering to buy her a ring after she has dumped him fit into that narrative?

It’s fine for him to say no thanks, but it is a bit cheeky to also be helping himself to home comforts and conjugals whilst saying No, or in my view anyway.

Irreplaceable- my favourite Beyoncé song

I'd say immature in three ways:

Doing the dumping and clearing off on holiday (bit of cowardice)

Allowing him to stay on at the flat (not going to work)

Blocking Him (childish)

I'm not saying the OPs son is a prince here, not saying he hasn't played his own part - but - I suspect that she has someone else, and further more I suspect that she might well be on holiday with that person right now.

I know statistically its men that usually cheat, but women do it too - and I'm not even scalding of her because of it, she felt she wasn't getting anywhere with OPs son, was treated as "silly" for asking about marriage, met someone more suitable.

Critical thing is for OPs son to get his stuff before she is back, drop the key through the letter box and not look back, for his own sake.

Because he wanted her as a girl friend and place to stay until he found someone he did see as wife material.

Something tells me a certain poster has a neckbeard and an X account filled with rants about “hoeflation” and pictures of Sydney Sweeney’s cleavage…

You expected her to pack his socks for him?

Bollocks to that. He's lucky he didn't get his shit slung out the window in bin bags in anticipation of him pulling the alien facehugger shit over the phone.

It really is very unlikely that the exGF will curse herself for letting a thirty-year-old man who lived with her at his convenience, and had no real interest in committing to her, get away.

It was a specific question to your assertion that the “She showed he true colours by the immature ending; which clearly many posters here agree with, extolling their own selfishnesses as well.”

In what way was the ending immature, and how could she have maturely ended it knowing that he didn’t with to commit to her, but wanted to continue living as man and NotWife until proper wife arrived?

Hear Hear!

I think your husband is being kinder than you are however upset your son is. Giving him the impression he's been treated unfairly will only enable him to claim victim status when in reality he screwed things up.

Imagine telling someone you claim to love that their request for a timeline was silly. His ex made her intentions clear and he thought he could fritter away her fertile years whilst he took his time deciding when he would formalise his commitment to her. He's been very entitled and it's cost him. Hopefully he won't make the same mistake twice.

You have a very strange view of relationships.

If you're right and he never wanted her as a wife but chose to string her along because it was "convenient," that makes him very wrong in my book. Your mileage may vary.

Also, as an aside, it's interesting that you say neither is more wrong than the other and yet your language about him is almost clinically neutral, whereas your language about her is very loaded ("diary out," "provoked him," "wasn't good enough").

Lots of women believe their adult son is God's gift. His dad is spot on, because he is a man, and he knows. Men know quickly whether they mean for a woman to be a wife or a placeholder.

Which is why everyone taking pot-shots at the son is crazy.

Like you said “We don’t actually know what transpired between them” and yet so many posters here are all team gf he’s a bad lad.

Pack of hyenas some of the people on here.

Well exactly. The gf wanted marriage and so realised they were not on the same page and it was best to break up. But somehow you're saying she's unreasonable for doing so? So what, the gf should have just stuck around and ignored what she wants? Why?

I think he needs the tough love he’s getting from his Dad. By all means look after him as a Mum does, but his ex-girlfriend is an adult woman who has made a choice. They might get back together if he wises up and realises what he’s lost. Depicting her as a sad old spinster in the Last Chance Saloon at the age of 27 doesn’t help either of them.

Because she wanted an emotional response from him, remember?

When he didn’t give an emotional response however long ago when she had her diary out asking for timelines you all jumped up and down on him for being emotionally uninvolved.

So she provoked him again, and this time he gave her the emotional response and like sheep you all follow each other with he’s wrong no matter what.

The son did not want her as a wife.
She obviously wasn’t good enough.
He stayed at her home for convenience.
She had enough and called it.

It doesn’t make any one of them more wrong than the other.

He has agency and he has choice, and his choice when she asked was “no thanks”.

Why can’t you all accept that he has the right to say “no thanks” by his behaviour?

His choice, his agency.

I briefly saw your other thread but not read it all. This is probably why you work well together as parents though - dad being blunt and you being empathetic.

Might be poor timing and not the best choice of words, but his dad's not totally wrong. If he wasn't ready to have an adult conversation about the future of the relationship and just dismissed her need for commitment as a "silly timeline" he wasn't ready for the kind of relationship she wanted. He's not ready for marriage, she is. He's not wrong or bad for not being ready. She's not wrong or bad for wanting more than he was willing to commit to. But they're not compatible, and this was only going to go one way.

At this point, your son probably needs support, empathy, and a bit of a dose of reality. Lots of couples at their age break up due to incompatibilities like this. He might learn something from it to take into his next relationship - don't dismiss your partner's needs as silly, don't kick the can down the road and hope problems will just go away, and if you are not in the same place as your partner regarding the future, be honest about it.

I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me to know whether I’m a hypocrite or not.

Really, in your view how should she have gone about this? Don’t forget that we don’t actually know what transpired between them.