Son dumped by gf -update

Well hopefully OP's DH got the DS moved out yesterday so it can all die down.

You are wrong. That is the right thing for his dad to have told him. His dad is a realist ~ I wish so much that his dad had somehow had more input to his son's upbringing than you did. Still: if wishes were horses . . .

No we don’t! But based on what we do know it seems the begging and pleading was more than one day.

The OP stated he was blocked because of the begging and pleading, he’s bang out or order, that the only way to stop his behaviour was to block him.

No one should put up with that shit, even for one day.

This thread is getting a tad personal in my view. Hopefully it will reach the 40 posts limit soon and close.

No I am not victim blaming. If she wants to block him she is entitled to do so. I am just not on board with some of the other stuff that's been posted about the OPs son. Like most threads everything grows arms and legs so he's apparently proposed at the Christmas do. He's a cock lodger. He's done inappropriate things

I honestly can't be arsed with the way people jump on you the minute you post an opinion that's not exactly the same as other people on here.

I'm assuming you reported my post? I was genuinely asking if you were ok.

Your take on this situation is skewed, your boundaries are not great I'm afraid.

I'm not blinkered. The point that I have been trying to make is that none of us on here know the full story. Including you. The OP said in her first thread that he had texted her the following day asking for another chance

She’s on holiday with friends and doesn’t want to be bothered during it. She’s blocked him so her phone isn’t constantly going off while she’s trying to enjoy Poland.

What is there, though, to talk about? She’s definitively ended the relationship, but he doesn’t want accept this and is instead trying to beg, plead and argue his way back into it. That shit gets old really quickly, and it’s not something she’s obliged to indulge.

I don’t doubt that he needs support with processing and coming to terms with this, but she’s not the person that’s going to provide that. However upset he is, he’s not entitled her to attention because he wants it.

No he is being utterly truthful and your son needed to hear it

It’s almost like you’re victim blaming…

And there is always the blinkered that make out “it’s not to bad”, when a woman is forced to block the “begging and pleading” ex!

Nip that shit in the bud before it escalates!

What on earth makes you think it was “only” one day (which is a day too long).

Thank you. I'm just giving my opinion. People certainly don't need to agree with me.

I live in Scotland and the definition of section 39 stalking is at least two instances of unwanted behaviour where the sender knew or ought to have known that it would cause or was intended to cause fear and alarm

I was stalked for 15 months by a gang - they meant to cause me fear and alarm

I appreciate your point about some stalkers thinking that the contact was flattering - what I was trying to say above is that it's repeatedly being said that what this man was doing is harassment

He was calling and texting begging for another chance.

And in your case - even though the person sending the messages thought they were being romantic or flattering. It's the fear and alarm they caused you that saw them prosecuted under law

I just think we need to be very careful labelling someone a harasser at the end of a relationship for phoning and texting asking for another chance

Some people in those scenarios might take it too far unfortunately. Others will realise that the relationship is over and leave it there.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. I'm far from perfect. We can all do things that are out of character at times.

The OP didn't say at any point that the gf felt fear - she was just fed up with the contact

Do we label someone a harasser three days after a relationship ends when none of us know the full details?

The people who harassed me didn't stop when I asked them to. They didn't stop when I blocked them on social media.

If this man refuses to leave this girl alone going forward then people have every right to condemn him.

I just think sometimes people jump to the worst case scenario then add bits on. It doesn't just happen on this thread. It happens all over

The OP posted for advice and she's not been back. Probably because she's seen her son be painted in the worst possible light - when she knows more about the situation and the relationship than any of us do

The OP also stated in her first thread I'm sure that her son is now homeless - because it's her flat. I think anyone being dumped and homeless a week before Christmas might be upset and not be thinking straight

It was apparently all his fault too according to some posters because he didn't want to get engaged as fast as she did.

Both the threads have been gf good person and bf bad person on the whole. The blame has been placed squarely on him for the relationship breakdown.

I'm very sorry that that happened to you

As for the rest of your posts about this situation 🙄

My daughter went to the police two days after she finished with her then boyfriend due to what she was getting from him and they acted immediately by bringing in him in for questioning. The slight problem is that this is what they kept doing over the ensuing months while telling him each time "if you do it again we will arrest you". He kept agreeing he wasn't going to do it again but then......

I do understand that three days worth of texts probably wouldn't result in an arrest, but it should produce an interview at the very least.

@Roobarbtwo

It's actually not, the communication that's sent has to be seen to mean to cause distress and alarm

It's not what he believes or means. It's what “a reasonable person in possession of the same information would think the conduct amounted to harassment.”

Unwanted contact can be harassment if it causes distress and is persistent or intrusive and that includes emotional distress - anxiety, upset or disruption.

However, as the son appears to have stopped now he's blocked, it's not harrassment now, so all this is beside the point.

Although we've no idea how the exGF viewed his constant intrusion. For all we know she may have felt distressed and alarmed but probably was just mightilly peed off at him.

If this woman is feeling fear and alarm then she has every right to go to police and try and get him charged under section 39. I just think it's too easy to apply the word harassment to any given situation when none of us know what was said in the texts or in the phone calls - a three year relationship ends out of the blue -and then she immediately goes off on holiday.

I think many people in that scenario would try and make contact to talk things out - but if he texts more than once he's a harasser? Not just someone desperately upset. It could be one or the other - we don't know. That's the point.

As I said. People don't always behave rationally when they are heartbroken. My relative certainly found that out

The OP posted for opinions and she's not been back on. She's had to see people describe her son as a cock lodger and of having done inappropriate things other than has been described by her on here

None of us know the full story of what happened and what their relationship was like. Or anything about whether the OPs son has the potential for violence

Too many things get assumed when we don't know the full set of circumstances - on either side

The OP said that he texted and called her begging her for another chance and she found it a bit much.

He wasn't threatening her. There's nothing in that type of communication where someone is sending it trying to cause someone fear and alarm

That’s not correct. I think you’ve misunderstood the wording around those laws.

Repeated messaging that causes distress, alarm, or fear can qualify even if the sender thinks it is flattering or harmless. It’s not about what the sender means to make the recipient feel.

My stalker thought they were being romantic by sending novels of undying love to me despite me asking them to stop. They thought it would win me over if they kept trying. Needless to say that wasn’t the case. They thought they loved me and we were meant to be together. I was terrified and they were prosecuted and found guilty, and a restraining order was granted.

Why do people keep saying they'd lived together for three years. They'd been dating three years we don't know how long they'd lived together.

The bottom line is that she entitled to leave the relationship any time she wants and doesn't have to explain it. We only know what the OP has told us and that is presumably what he told her. I'll bet the gf could tell us a lot more. If its not working for her for any reason she can end it. There are no formal ties because he didn't want any.

Thank you.

You're right people don’t always behave rationally but that isn’t an excuse. That’s probably why she’s blocked him. He deserves that and it’s the right thing to do.
I’m not saying all situations will end up in the worst case scenario but that again shouldn’t be used as an excuse. If he’s contacting her to the point where she feels it’s too much then he’s crossed a line.

His feelings around being dumped are irrelevant here. Harassment is never okay.

It's actually not, the communication that's sent has to be seen to mean to cause distress and alarm

It's the same for section 39 stalking. Two occasions and the person making the contact knows that the recipient would suffer fear and alarm

I'm genuinely sorry for your loss. But the post you made to me gave no back story - and that's your right not to post it if you don't want to. But as I said earlier there's been no suggestion that this man has ever been violent or would ever be. Just because the OP said her son adored him

I'm not blaming her for anything. It was her choice to end the relationship and that's completely up to her.

But there's been a lot said on here about him that I think is completely unjustified. Comments calling him a cock lodger. Saying that he must have done something inappropriate in person. Proposing at the Christmas night out

This man could have been very upset at the relationship ending and simply wanted to try again. It surely doesn't need to mean the worse case scenario every single time

I've been in a situation where I was dumped completely out of the blue after a year and a half. I didn't contact him. I left him alone - 8 months later he decided he wanted to try again. He wasn't violent, no suggestion of it at any point - but he was pressing me to try again. We eventually did - but even after being in a long relationship with someone after we split again - he was still turning up at my door crying years later - when he dumped me. Twice

People don't always act rationally when a long term relationship ends. Their behaviour can be stupid. Idiotic. It doesn't always mean that it's the worst case scenario and that awful things will happen

And I didn't post what I was posting because of a race to the bottom. I was simply trying to say that even in cases where someone is being seriously harassed - police won't care and won't do a thing about it

Sorry @Rhubarb24 !

Stupidly wasn't expecting two rhubarbs on here and just typed it in

@rhubarbtwo

I never said it was about me. I just don't agree with you that his behaviour was harassment

Well in the UK it is as it's unwanted, uninvited and unwelcome contact that occurs on more than one occasion

Now you are surmising how out of the blue it was - and the OPs take on it probably isn't what happened? Why would you say that?

Well OP wasn't there and she isn't exactly impartial. She initially comtemplated contacting the exGF to "talk some sense into her" so I speculated that her version is coloured by her being too involved. I was just wondering whether the signs were there after the exGF's attempt to discuss their future was rebuffed and the son either ignored them or didn't pick up on them (or hasn't communicated that to his mother).

I'm simply saying she could have blocked him sooner if his behaviour was upsetting her

Well we'll never know her reasoning will we? But she shouldn't have had to block him in the first place.