Son dumped by gf -update

Not on something this fundamental, and after so long no.

With him 30 and her 27. Especially if the GF wants to have children. Why would she? He made his feelings clear, she was 'silly' for trying to discuss it and her wants for the future. He was the big I am and would make the decisions unilaterally so she could just sit down, be quiet and wait for the day if and when he decided that he wanted to discuss it.

This guy had lived in the GFs house and had all the benefits of a marriage, but when asked about a discussion on the future possibility of getting married he belittled and demeaned her. He could see she was upset and didn't address it, or offer any further discussion.

As others have said, it's fine if he's not ready or will never be ready to marry, but he doesn't get to shut down discussion about it. That's not how loving relationships work, you're supposed to communicate honestly with each other.

He's lucky he got three months grace while she processed all this and dealt quietly with her hurt. He's even luckier after that shoddy treatment of her, that she was going to let him stay in her property till after Christmas but he shot himself in the foot by harassing her.

I think there's more to this than OP is letting on, or possibly it would be kinder to say that there more to this than the OP actually knows.

There's little hints that the son is actually a bit of an arsehole frankly. Future faking and possible cocklodging #1, Son's attitude over the possibility of marriage discussion #2, then the co-dependant 'shut up' panic ring #3, the harassment to take him back #4, and then the planned ambush after she asked him to leave because of the harassment #5.

I think we'd hear a very different story if the GF were able to tell her side. I think she's suffered the death of this relationship through a thousand cuts. I think she's been very smart, and I wish more young women knew their worth and had such iron self esteem as she did.

I think the OP's son has treated his exGF very badly, cruelly in fact. I don't think he's the catch he or his mum thinks he is 😂

Nothing you have written is wrong per se, but do unto others as you would have done unto yourself, surely?

If you and I were dating for three years and one morning I, over breakfast, and without warning, told you to get the Hell out of my house, would you not feel suitably aggrieved?

I mean, my house my rules, right?

We don't know how many times she raised it - not sure OP does either. All we know is that when she did attempt to talk about the future of the relationship that he shut it down, refused to discuss it and called her silly and that he made no attempt to take it seriously in the following months.

He also has responsibility to raise his own issues . doesn't sound like this was the love of his life but more convenient right now

@BruFord Absolutely.

I believe they both have a poor communication style - he is a poor listener and she passive-aggressive.

As you say, ultimately this outcome is best for both.

I don't see that at all

Doing the dumping and clearing off on holiday (bit of cowardice) - or - good idea to give them both a bit of space to process the breakup

Allowing him to stay on at the flat (not going to work) - probably thought she was being kind to give him a few weeks to find somewhere - but I agree it's not going to work with him playing the victim

Blocking Him (childish) - I don't think it's childish to block someone who cannot accept a no- OP stated clearly that she only blocked him because he wouldn't accept the breakup and he stop hounding her with calls and texts. Better to block him than allow it to get worse IMHO

If she did want to marry him, she’s changed her mind. That doesn’t mean she didn’t genuinely want to at one point.

’Giving him short shrift’ - she was kind enough to give him until after Christmas to move out, but he ruined that for himself by hassling her. She’s ended the relationship, and isn’t obliged to engage his attempts to remain in it. It isn’t like they’ve built an intricate life together that requires untangling - he just needs to move out of her house.

@Bungle2168 Tbh, I think they’ve both dodged a bullet.

At 30, after three years together, his first reaction to the mention of marriage to someone he truly loves would surely be “Wow, this amazing woman wants to commit to me, I’m so happy.” Even if he wasn’t ready to get married right away, he would be delighted.

But he didn’t feel that way and that’s why I think she’s moved on so quickly. She realizes that he’s not deeply in love with her so there’s no point them carrying on.

I think what’s happened here is that she was very hurt a few months ago when they discussed a proposal and he gave no time line. He broke her heart that day but it’s taken her a few months to actually end the relationship.
Emotionally, it ended then for her, so she’s already moving on.
Please don’t get involved. He’s an adult and needs to realise he’s made his own bed now needs to lie in it.

We don’t know that she actually was in any rush to get married to him. She tried to open up a conversation about where he saw the relationship going, which isn’t at all the same thing as presenting a ‘marry me or I’ll dump you’ ultimatum. He just shut her down. It may very well be that she was starting to look upon their relationship as a dead end, and his response confirmed that for her. Why would she give him more opportunities when she’s already over it?

She’s an independent 27 year old homeowner. It could very well be the case that she’s happy to be single and in no rush to find someone else. Whatever she decides, I didn’t doubt that she’ll be fine.

Hey OP, you need to get a life of your own.

Even posting an update. Jesus......

I'm a solo mum myself. Never would I get involved in his relationships.

Or him in mine.

Harmony at home is the way to go.....

No, she didn't want a forced 'commitment' she wanted to be with someone who wanted to discuss & plan their future together. Not to be told he wasn't going to discuss 'silly timelines' & she just needed to wait around until HE decided to move things forward.

While living in HER apartment.

This is a man she had been dating for three years, one she supposedly wanted to marry. We are not talking about an indifferent Tinder date.

With that in mind, would you not say that writing him off and giving him short shrift is a tad… callous? Or perhaps she never did have a genuine interest in marrying him?

I am afraid I find your tone unpleasant. Are you the girlfriend?

Mummy's taught him he's a prize catch as he is, I'd guess - no effort or commitment required from him. Prince Charming gets to call the shots and pick the girl when he's ready, she doesn't get a say in the matter!

And for the 109th time, your DH is RIGHT.

But if you are leaving a person because of a reason is it not normal to raise the issue more than once and give an indication as to the strength of your feeling on the matter (if it doesn't change I'm off type thing)? Wouldn't you expect this from a partner?

He said he didn't want to do things on a "silly timeline" according to OP. Which is his right - if he's not ready, he's not ready. In which case, when your partner ends it because you want different things, you can't be a whiny wee wet wipe about it, or harass your ex to see you when she's made her boundaries clear.

You make it sound like you think it should have been a negotiation . She was entitled to end things whenever she wanted. Fait accompli 😂

I hadn't picked up on him laughing, which obviously would be wrong.

No, he hadn’t done anything wrong per se, @MayeJane4, he laughed when she mentioned marriage and made it clear that he wasn’t ready to commit. Then she dumped him!

What’s surprising is that he obviously didn’t realize that she might react in that way.

💯 % agree

But didn't he just say he wasn't able to put a timeline to it? That sounds reasonable to me. I agree though that there is a lesson that people can walk away, but I still don't actually think he did anything wrong based on what OP has said. Obviously none of us will ever know exactly how it all played out for sure.

See, I agree with this. My DH and I met at 22/23 and he wasn’t ready to settle at all within 3 years of dating. In fact it was nearly 8 years (around 30) when he proposed and 18m later (at 32) that we got married - so 10 years in total. We’ve been together 33 years, 23 of them married.

I think it’s totally fine if the GF wanted to end the relationship without further discussion - and leave to find someone else, but really I think this says she loved the idea of getting married more than she loved the OP’s son. She will now have to start dating again and then it will likely be at least another 2-3 years before she gets a new partner to commit. She may not actually be married and settled by the time she is 30, whereas OP’s DH would likely have ‘felt ready’ in another year or so. 27 and 30 is still very young.

Had I been her, personally, would have had one more conversation and said - if you cannot give me a timeline then this relationship is over - which I don’t think she did. That conversation would have forced him to really think about what he wanted and whether he wanted it with her. Then the splitting up would have been mutual. I don’t see the sudden dumping, blocking, evicting him as being particularly mature or an act of self-empowerment.

I suspect he could well be married to his next partner before she has found hers - having seen precisely this sort of scenario play out several times, myself.

Honestly, I don't think that's why OP's son is getting a hard time. It's not because he didn't want to get married. That's fair enough, if someone is up front and honest about it. He's not getting good press here because he belittled his gf when she wanted to discuss the future, then buried his head in the sand hoping it would all go away. Enabled by his mother, he is now being a whiny baby and playing the victim when he's been dumped, even after having been given fair warning. And he's been going full El Creepo on his ex to boot. OP might be well advised to appreciate that her son bears at least 50% of the responsibility here, and not to encourage the poor innocent victim son, bad evil gf narrative. But "boy mums" gonna "boy mum".

I have teenage sons, and as hard as it is to see them sad or downcast, and I'll always show them love and support, I hope to God I won't be utterly blind to them having faults, making mistakes or treating women poorly.

You most definitely should let your husband handle this. It may have been harsh, but telling your son the truth is what he needs to understand and do better in the future. Agreeing that she didn't love him very much does nothing but reinforce to him his mistaken belief that he did nothing wrong. She probably loved him very much, but after he made it clear he wasn't interested in getting married yet, she began leaving the relationship at that point. She gave up when he wasn't even prepared to give her a timeframe for when he would discuss it. In her heart, she began ending things then, so it wasn't out of the blue for her. She's had time to begin letting go, and will be way ahead of him because of it.

I'm sorry that your son is so hurt, but a large part of getting past this and being ready to commit in the future is dependent on him understanding what happened and his part in it. If he was my son, I wouldn't tell him she didn't love him enough. That will hurt for a long time and he might become angry and bitter, blaming her and not trusting women. If you help him to understand that she loved him but broke up because it felt like nothing would change and that he wasn't sure about marriage to her, it will support him better and will go a long way to help him build successful relationships in the future.

I respect how much you love and support your son, even though I think you're going about it in the wrong way. Good luck to all 3 of you; your husband sounds like a keeper.

@MayeJane4 Not at all. What people are saying is that going forward, he knows that if after three years together, a future partner talks about getting married/committing and he isn’t keen, that will likely mean the end of the relationship.

The same in reverse-if he mentions marriage to a partner of three years and she laughs/blows him off, he’ll realize that they’re not on the same page and he may decide to walk away.

At 30, you do know whether you’re committed to someone after three years, you’re not a teenager/young adult anymore.