Son dumped by gf -update

Sounds like he had an easy life and was too lazy/not committed enough to go through the faff of formalising their relationship.
When she decided that she'd had enough and dumped him, he suddenly decides she's the one... more likely he's panicking at the thought of not only having to find somewhere to live, but also to possibly explain why his relationship ended.

From what his mother wrote I'm almost certain he's going to play the 'poor me she dumped me at Christmas' card.

The fact that in her first post his mother mentioned his ex's newly single friend and mentioned she'd dumped him and then gone on to a Xmas party suggests he's already started.
I very much doubt his ex just casually told him 'by the way we are over, I'm just off to get changed I have a party to get to'.

No, dad is right.

Your DH is right.

But sympathy for what ? Messing around a woman whom he says he adores? His behaviour didn’t show that. He behaved as though he was careless of her feelings.

He thought he could string her along.

The dad's reaction suggests there's slightly more to the story though.

It's the begging for her to take him back that is interesting. He wanted to be with her but not marry her?

So he didn't want to marry at all and didn't want to say so?
Or he wanted to be 'in control'?
Or he just wanted somewhere to live?

If the gf wanted marriage she could have:
a) started the conversation a second and a third time.
b) proposed an engagement to him
c) proposed marriage to him.

If HE wanted marriage he could have:
a) started a conversation about timelines and any concerns he has.
He also should be darned grateful she has allowed him to live with her for so long esp AFTER he said No some months back.

I am intrigued by your headline. Are you actually the son looking for insights from women?

But now he wants her back!
Make it make sense.

Your grandad wore her down with the flowers. The flower shop were quids in. 😅😅
l wonder how often he got flowers 🌼 🌸 🌻 for her after the 6 months.

Some of the posts querying the girlfriend’s love given the “brutality” or abruptness of the break up are baffling to me.

Obviously we can’t know for sure whether she did or not but to me she seems to have behaved with admirable maturity and dignity and nothing suggests she didn’t love him.

They had been together for 3 years and they were living together, - so not in the honeymoon period; not in a long distance relationship but living like a married couple. She wanted the next step and instead of being passive aggressive about it or playing games, she asked him about getting married. He could have reacted in a number of ways, the ideal from her perspective would have been to be thrilled and they’d have gone on to get engaged within a short time scale. Now if he didn’t want that then that’s fine. What happened is while he said he would want to in the future he didn’t want any silly timelines, not ready etc. that will have been lead in her stomach and a knot in her throat. At that point she could have “had a strop” in the words of some posters and ended it then but she didn’t. After that conversation they both know she wants marriage and they both know his initial reaction was to reject timelines and pressure but there was hope in his reference to some time in the future. They continued to live together for three months after this conversation.

Now I suspect that her hope was that he’d been a bit taken by surprise and reacted in the moment a laddish immature way but that he’d think about it and join her in wanting to commit and get married. Unfortunately he seems to have assumed she’d gone back in her box and accepted the honour of his hand in marriage was not something she has a say in. Three months of him knowing what she wanted and her not pressuring further; just living together as they had been and would in the future if they married.

She must have experienced a horrible creeping disappointment. She didn’t want to pressure or wheedle him into marrying her; to give him an ultimatum. It wasn’t about a wedding it was about them both wanting to marry each other and commit to a future together and he didn't want it. Of course she rejected his panic “shut-up-ring” offer.

I’m not surprised she couldn’t face Christmas with him; exchanging gifts, facing time as an established couple with his happy family and with hers.

If she broke it off after Christmas the OP and his defenders would be clamouring about her venality in getting a present out of him and playing happy families with him whilst all the time planning to break his heart…

Of course OP wants to support her son but her husband is right. Her son will fall in love again no doubt and let’s hope it’s with someone as together and lovely as OP says this girl is. Hopefully her son will have learned that he doesn’t hold all the cards and will remember she has her own mind and agency just like him.

I have a wonderful friend who very nearly missed the chance to gave children because she stayed with a man who “wasn’t ready yet” in a mostly very happy relationship for 12 years. They eventually broke up over it and she was heartbroken. Thankfully she did marry someone lovely and had a single son but because of her age it took awful losses and heartache. It still hurts her that within two years of their break up her ex was engaged and went on to marry someone else. She wanted more children and it didn’t happen.

The OP’s son’s girlfriend has done the right thing. I really hope OP can support him sympathetically without feeding a narrative of him being hard done to by his ex. He made mistakes, common mistakes, and he’ll have other chances in the future. Just not with his ex.

The way your son brushed off a serious conversation about time lines is good reason to have his long term girlfriend doubt his long term committment.
Three years going out, including living together, is long enough to know if they love each other enough to make adult committments. A serious talk is all that she requested.

MN is littered with women who are suffering the consequences of cajoling men into marriage and children. She's gotten out ahead of this, as she's identified early and ACCEPTED that they are at different stages. Even the young man's father agrees with her.

Except, that's not what his mother says happened...

She's changed her mind because my son kept texting and calling her begging for another chance and she's said it's all a bit much.

Why is it okay for him to ridicule the woman he's been dating for 3 years, not want marriage, then propose in a panic and harrass her and stillbe allowedto remain in her home to harrass her some more when she returns? That's quite a level of entitlement that you're brushing over.

Wasn't he being cold when he laughed at her request for a timeline of what could be expected and called it silly? Or when he said that HE would be the one to decide when the time was right? Is that the indication that he was more in love with her, than she was with him? A woman made a decision to leave at age 27 because a man wouldn't commit and she's is being blamed. 27 is not an unrealistic age if you are looking to get engaged, marry in a couple of years and have children.

No. What he should learn is that when a woman is asking for a timeline of when engagement and marriage could be expected, not to laugh it off as silly, and then be surprised when she calls the relationship off, and then go begging for her to come back.

I can see this from both sides. Proposing/getting married should be a big thing, it's meant to be, and for him to do it when he's put in this predicament makes it seem less meaningful. With her friend newly single, IF she has been swayed by her, then I'd say that there was something lacking somewhere. The fact that she was able to end it in such a "cold" manner indicates that she has made a decision that she's ready to stick to. Maybe she was able to be "cold" because she wasn't as "in love" as he was. If she comes to realise she's made a mistake, then they'll have both learnt something - about themseves and each other. It's hard, but it is between them and you would be best off not getting involved.

A woman like his ex could have run her and his life better than he seems able to run his own.

@canklesmctacotits this is an interesting observation. I think it is spot on. The lady has her own pad and knows her mind. She can spot bullshit a mile off. I suspect that as a wife, she would be a very capable one. In a marriage of equals, that would be a phenomenal asset.

Unfortunately, OP's son is not good enough for her anymore.

To paraphrase the title of a dating advice book, he just wasn't that into her. Between that conversation about marriage that he remembers well enough to describe to you OP, and his day-to-day behaviour in the months since (which he won't recall in enough detail to consider it from his ex's point of view), his now ex realised that he wasn't that into her and accepted that.

He's panicking now because he thinks he'd rather be married to her than alone, if his first choice, of cohabiting with her without marriage, isn't an option. You should be glad for his sake that she's turning that down, because it would be an incredibly unhealthy foundation for a marriage.

I know you thought before Christmas was a bad time to break up, but how awful would it be to break up with him only after he had given her Christmas gifts? And how awkward would she have felt to receive Christmas gifts from her boyfriend's parents while simultaneously planning to break up with him?

Perhaps he will meet someone he truly feels passionate about in the year to come.

My parents gave both my DBs “the talk” when they’d been seeing their girlfriends for a while (I forget how long). Obvs I wasn’t present but I’ve gleaned it went along the lines of “don’t be a dick, you can’t string a woman along, either propose or let her find someone else”.

I had EXACTLY the conversation this ex-gf had with OP’s son after two years of dating my now DH. He didn’t dismiss me. He listened, shat himself (not literally), spent all his savings on a ring (he was a phd student), and proposed. I only learned of the shitting of self and spending of life savings some years after we were married (he can now afford a much nicer ring but that one is so meaningful to me that Tiffany’s finest wouldn’t sparkle half as much). We have DC and a full and happy family life years down the line. Your son needs to be more like my DH, OP. A woman like his ex could have run her and his life better than he seems able to run his own. Arrogant sod. Hope he’s learned a valuable lesson and been brought down a peg or two.

This is how the calculations played out in her mind.

It is three years.
She is not that into him but he is already a sunk cost and a cocklodger.
She wants children and being the bird in hand, she will give him a chance to step up by showing that he wants a future and a family with her.
She feels slightly humiliated to have to raise the issue of marriage but she does because she is close to an ultimatum.
Instead, he tells her to get back in her box, know her place as a little woman and that he gets to call the shots on when he commits.
She cannot quite believe it but hangs around for 3 months waiting to see if he has registered her desire for marriage and turn it around.
He acts as if nothing happened and makes her feel even less heard and even more belittled by his silence.
He has set the template of what a future with him looks like.
Christmas is coming round and she thinks f_ it, he has blown it.
She is going to throw this loser back and take her chances in the big pond.
She is better off finding someone who brings more to the table who loves her and treats her like an equal.
In the meantime, he is cramping her style by being in her home.
He needs to get out asap.
Except he harasses her and so she gets out instead, hoping he won't be there when she gets back.
In her heart, she has already moved on.

Why can't we talk about it?! Let's negotiate! You can't just decide to stop talking to us and present it as a fait accompli!!!!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@WomenAreNotEmotionalSupportAnimals @InterIgnis

I’m done with the ad hominem attacks for tonight.

Sleep well and sweet dreams.💤

I know what you’re aiming for is ‘Knowledgeable in the field of human relationship and how women work’, but you somehow keep landing on ‘Women? I’m familiar with those creatures. I read about them. Once. Thirty years ago’.

If I’m failing to extend enough respect to engage in a conversation with someone who I’m not only supposed to love, but am reliant upon for the roof over my head, then I would consider any resultant short shrift to be earned. No need for kid gloves and biblical angst.

Anyway, no one has said he can’t feel aggrieved. He can. That he feels aggrieved does not mean that she’s done anything wrong.

Callous, her? No. Him? Yes. 'Silly timelines' indeed.

Am I the girlfriend? Thank fuck but no! 😂😂😂😂

I find your tone unpleasant, and sexist, too! Hey ho! It takes all sorts to make a world go round!😘

Well honestly his may be be blunt .she hinted enough wanted a timeline.he told gf don't want silly timelines.she decided not to waste her young ish years on a man refusing to commit .so off she went .your husband was blunt but correct

The number of people here who think that it’s fine for the son to not want marriage, but not fine for the GF to end a relationship that clearly will not lead to marriage, is depressing. He’s allowed to put himself first, but she’s not. Why?

I really hope these people are not raising daughters and teaching them to be so grateful for a relationship with a man that they suppress all their own wants and needs.