Son dumped by gf -update

If you live with a partner for a couple of years you know if they are the one or not. Your DS blew it. Now she's asked him to leave he suddenly wants to buy her a ring. Let's hope h takes his next gf more seriously and not for granted.

Flip the genders and no doubt the story would be very different.

Patronising.

Your husband is spot on.

Three months is not a short time and we only have OP telling her what her son told her.

We have no idea if the gf brought it up again after that.

The gf wanted a proper discussion about it and he brushed her off. Just a discussion. Not ‘are you going to marry me now’ but to discuss plans for the future like the majority of couples and he couldn’t even do that.

If you don’t know if you want to marry the person you are living with after three years of being together, don’t even want to have the discussion, or even say I want to do xyz before marriage, then you either don’t want to get married or you don’t want to marry the person your with.

He could have easily said something instead of the answer he gave her. They had been together long enough for him to be honest about his feelings instead of dismissing her which tbh is an answer in itself.

His actions have only shown not only is he not ready, he isn’t mature enough for marriage.

If he was, he would have had the conversation.

My DH and I sat down and had the discussion before we were engaged, right around Christmas. We talked about marriage, children, how we saw the future, and we were on the same page. He proposed to me in the summer after that talk (he didn’t have the ring at the time and had just blurted it out while I was telling him something ) and we were married the summer after before my 26th Birthday. We had been together just over 2 years by time we married. It didn’t feel like a rush to us and we didn’t live together until we were married. Been together for 14 years.

If you know, you know.

To use a mn cliche, she got her ducks in a row, and threw him out.

I have absolutely no doubt she raised it more than once. His insistence that it was up to only him to decide when the time was right would have been the last straw.

Sadly he has very few rights in this situation as an unmarried cohabitee living in a home he doesn't own, presumably isn't on the mortgage or deeds for, and with no children. He has no automatic right to stay and can be asked to leave at any point with fair notice, which he was given. We also don't know how long he lived in her house for. Likely it wasn't 3 years, as most people don't shack up on day 1!

If he wanted to try to get something financially from the split, he'd have to prove financial contributions to the property, e.g. standing order for a share of the mortgage, contributing to repairs/home improvements, etc, on the understanding of a shared interest in the property. Effectively, he'd have to prove that his partner at some stage promised him a share in her house and he spent money on it to his own detriment based on the understanding of a future share in it, effectively leaving him in a worse financial position than he would have been not living with her. Difficult to prove.

He is very unlikely to be in a worse financial position by living with her if what he has paid her amounts simply to rent and bills, which he would have also had to pay living somewhere else. If he's paid for things like repairs and improvements of the sort you'd expect a landlord to foot the bill for if you were a tenant, then possibly it might be fair to ask for any recent contributions to those things, or to things like co-purchased furniture or appliances that she wants to keep, to be returned to help him afford to rent a place of his own. If he wanted that though, he'd have been wiser to try and keep things amicable, as she's now had to block him because he was harassing her so he can't even ask!

Silly boy.

That poster really does have salad for brain.

Aside from the fact he isn’t legally owed anything he’s not even morally owed anything.

Let’s say we assume he paid 50% of all bills including mortgage, it’s still probably less than he would’ve paid in a one bedroom flat himself.

And I assume he contributed not one penny to the deposit which isn’t cheap given the price of houses nowadays.

The question I have that the perhaps the OP can answer is did the ex-girlfriend frame the talk of marriage as an ultimatum or deal breaker? Because the son’s flippant “silly” remark suggests that he didn’t consider the conversation a serious one. Who knows, maybe he is a blockhead?

What I cannot get my head around is that if marriage was so important to his girlfriend, how could he be so tone deaf? Surely no one is that daft.

Which is why I am leaning towards the “there’s something we are not being told” scenario.

This is exacerbated by the misogyny online and some men’s behavior. All this talk of “body counts” and “women age like milk” “you’re finished by 25” etc. They just walk away. The men’s threat was echoed by the op “you’ll end up alone” their response “don’t threaten me with a good time !”

And it is an issue for professional women in their 30's and 40's, and 50's, whom love their own home, financial independence, and because they have no wish for children they aren't in a rush to share a home either.

Is some ahem person really arguing this man should have a claim on the ex’s property after no ring no kids no marriage 😂😂 fml heard it all.

As we tell women secure yourself marry the man don’t just live in his house with no protection or assets.

fortunately he didn’t give up his earning potential carry babies though so I’m sure he will be find with mummy holding his hand while dad shakes his head going ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

Nobody deserves notice of dumping. Nobody has to give you a reason for dumping you. Blocking someone who won’t stop messaging you isn’t childish it’s what the police tell you to do after asking them to stop. Kicking someone out your house when you dump them is also bloody normal, as is changing the locks.

They both had months after their chat. She’s clearly slowly detached and ended things. His just stuck his fingers in his ears and pretended not to notice her pulling away then after all shocked when she left him.

Perfect response from his Dad. GF made her position clear, he needed to talk to her about their expectations of the relationship or let her go to find someone else.
She has made her choice. He needs to accept that.

Saladbrains is right🙄🤣

This most be the most misogynistic site around.
Only on MN are women not to ask where a relationship is going, and suck it up when their question is dismissed as a "silly timeline".

So refreshing to read about a woman with some self worth not tolerating being messed around further.

She rightly has the Ick and has detached.

I see it with both my late teen girls already. Their friends travel / art / life / nights out comes first. A boyfriend is secondary. If they aren’t happy in the relationship they are quick to end it and revert to single girl life that is now pretty epic.

When with the boyfriend they get fomo about what their friends are up to. The old fashioned pining for a boyfriend and prioritising him is gone. One girl out of all of them does this and she is universally derided and is at risk of losing her friend group. In their world this is a million times worse than losing one boy. Honestly if you have sons you need to know this. The boots on the other foot.

Yeah, on the off chance this is real then the DH here is actually doing some excellent parenting. Some young men need to hear this, from older family men in successful marriages.

Absolutely this!

THIS
And it is a worldwide phenomenon causing falling birth rates.

Endless news articles that blame the rising cost of raising kids and women having careers
But this is the real and biggest reason IMHO.

He needs balance. You're there for the sympathy. His Dad is giving him the reality check.

At the end of the day he messed up and got his heartbroken. He's not the only person in the world to have suffered heart break. It's only a very small minority of people that haven't.

It's going to hurt but you have to let him feel that hurt and process it in a healthy way. A way that allows him to see where he was at fault and also where she was. She might be right for breaking up with him but that doesn't mean the relationship was perfect or that she was either.

The point is to not direct all the blame her way - because then you end up with a 30yr old man full of rage (not healthy).

She wanted more than he could offer but next time he'll know to handle a conversation like that better and not to be so dismissive.

I don’t think anyone’s tearing him apart for not wanting to get married. It’s the fact that he refused to discuss it and then is devastated when she ends it because she wants someone who IS prepared to get married. Now suddenly he’s ready to buy a ring after calling her wishes to know where she stands “silly” - that’s what people are criticising.

This “man” is 30 yet isn’t operating maturely. He sounds like a fool who is getting some very bad advice about trying to patch it up as if her opinion or wishes still don’t count. Obviously she has decided there is nothing to patch up and all further contact makes it worse.

How can you get to 30 and not know this stuff?

Parenting sons like this doesn’t do them any favours either in today’s world.. Young women have basically wised up.

Their preferred option is a decent mature man that values them and is a successful lovely Dh. Their second option is the single life with their friends which is now also a pretty appealing option. They have eschewed the third option which is stick with a lame compromise man. They’d rather be in Poland with their mates. This is leading to the male loneliness epidemic imo.

Not helped by toxic boy mums and Andrew Tate telling men like this son how marvellous they are they are and women would be lucky to have them. They are then deluded as to their own value and are complacent in their relationships. Then this happens and they are baffled and devastated. The world has moved on and this type of man needs to wake up or get seriously left behind. The dad knows this and is trying to help the son.

Luckily I don't like cats 😂

But I think the problem is your imagination is in overdrive. You've changed many things from what OP actually wrote and so aren't arguing from any basis in reality.

Seems like you're having fun though, so carry on!

No this poster is a very unserious person who is trying to rage bait other posters.

Haven't you noticed? We're all old, wrinkly smellies who are mean. OP's son is a total catch and any woman should feel blessed to be taken advantage of by him! Obviously the exGF is a game playing or cheating or trying to break off the relationship by asking about getting married, and by all rights should hand over all her worldly goods along with her dignity. She should have been counting her lucky stars whenever sunshine-out-his-arse-boy deigned to throw her a crumb or two. She'll get her comeuppance though, she's practically an ancient spinster at 27 after all 😂

It's a bit pathetic, but also a little amusing to see how much effort it takes these posters to skew things so this young woman, who is in reality totally reasonable, becomes somehow a bad person!😂

Anyone rushing a partner to commit to a timeline they're not comfortable with isn't the right person for them.

Three years might seem a long time for some people, but if it was your son's first long-term relationship, it probably felt nowhere near as long. In contrast to most, I can totally empathise with his position. People reach different life stages at different times, and quite clearly the thought of marriage at this point of his life was something daunting that he just wasn't ready for.

And that is completely fine. We live in a society where most people always seem in such a rush to do everything, have kids, get married, whatever, and then only find out afterwards that they're not really compatible. Rather than just take the time to enjoy each other's company and life naturally, rather than always be wondering what's next.

There's probably more to the story, though. For her to act so cold and indifferent to someone only a few months ago she was putting pressure on to propose to her, there's surely a good chance that her head has been turned.

Ultimately it's the best outcome for both of them, even if you son struggles to see it now.