Son dumped by gf -update

After 3 years in the relationship she asked him about marriage and got a luke warm response - my heart would shrivel too 😧

Interesting. I've always viewed dating as the phase when you're checking to see if you're compatible - re worldview, long-term goals, wanting children etc. When dating I never hesitated to break up with someone once I realised we weren't aligned.

Marriage is very different. I saw marrying my DH as fully committing to him, dedicating our lives to each other long-term. It would take an awful lot to get me to walk away (e.g. abuse or maybe infidelity).

So dating is the trial period where you break up if you realise you're not suited while marriage is a promise that you're in it for the long haul. The gf and OP's son weren't married, so to me it makes perfect sense that the gf walked away after realising they weren't at all on the same page.

Haha

Of course she must have found someone else rather than being sick of waiting for him after more than 3 years.

Tbh it was probably not a good idea to give the ability to stay in the flat. It was too generous and he got the wrong idea. He seems very slow, this ex boyfriend, and didn’t seem to realise his ex girlfriend has her own agency.

If she owns a flat at 27, she is probably a very good catch. That is someone tenacious and driven. They do not sound like a good match

bloody hell, get your head out of your arse.

He pestered her - even though she ended it, and kindly said he could stay in HER house for a while - and so she told him to be gone when she got back.

Her self worth is spot on and i applaud her.

Not at all. You see it all the time on here. Women who have left themselves completely financially screwed by cohabiting with men for years, having kids without marriage. They get called foolish and naive all the time. It doesn't matter which way round it is.

Unless he's on the mortgage/ rental agreement it isn't his home. And it doesn't sound like he is.

Eh? She's the one who wanted to commit and get married! The son was the one who isn't 'long term relationship ' material, as he was the one prepared to string her along- and when men do this it is invariably because they think they will be 'off the market' in the fantasy land in their head and they want to leave if someone better comes along. I hope you don't teach your daughters to wait around for a man forever while they dangle them on a string! Or for that matter teach your sons that they can do what they like because women are desperate !

Why's all the blame.going on the poor woman?

She waited and waited.
And even sat down and talked to him about how important this was to her- and she got a dumb reply back- I'll do it on my terms.

Then she waited some more.

She's rightly had enough and doesn't want an engagement only because he's been pushed into it.

I can see her point.

She tried to help him out by letting him stay for a few weeks but he kept harassing her.

He needs to realise what he's done so he doesn't make the same mistake next time.

If he really likes someone next time don't wait 3 years.

Your sympathy and 'Oh she's not going to find a man now she's dumped you and she'll (presumably) come running back cos you're such a catch' attitude is going to do him no good. Some home truths from his dad is exactly what he needs.

he also needs straight talking. And i'm another who thinks that DH is right here.

You can do all the tea and sympathy if you want, but the person who is really helping your DS here is his dad.

I rather think my analysis is the right one seeing how devastated op and her son are at losing her!

She’s totally long term relationship material. Values herself highly and doesn’t let herself be taken for a mug. She will likely make someone a great wife and will be a good strong mum who role models not being a wet lettuce hanging about for a man to her daughters.

I think the concept of a "timeline" is silly, but she had clearly indicated to him she wanted to marry sooner rather than later, and he failed to act on that.

However, I think he will long term have done well to swerve her, she's not long term relationship material if she can do a 180 and end it just like that - sure, he's been silly in his reaction to her discussing a timeline - but just quitting like she has at a bump in the road means any marriage would likely be very short lived.

He's better off out of it.

No, that's exactly what he should have been told. Sounds like your son realised his dad was right, though too late

If anything the women are the straight forward ones. Clearly stated her terms. Walked away calmly when not met. There’s someone playing games here but it’s not the GF

A certain type of man likes to say that women are 'playing games' when the woman in question has a mind of her own and doesn't do exactly what a man wants her to do.

Then harassed her afterwards to the point he got himself kicked out and blocked and was still trying to prolong leaving until his father told him they were going to get his stuff before she gets back instead of waiting for the weekend.

Plus, if the girlfriend was really playing games (very heavily doubt it) then son is better off anyway.

His dad seems to be the only reasonable parent here; probably thinking, he wouldn’t want his own daughter to deal with someone acting like his son if she ended things with a man.

I see you’ve ignored the rest of my point and focused instead on one word.

Besides it’s not the word itself it’s what it represents - by calling her wishes to establish a timeline for planning a life together “silly”, he was dismissing her concerns and the things that mattered to her. Swap it for whatever word you like, it’s the same underlying principle of not taking her seriously.
And now he’s repenting at leisure.

Shakespeare has a lot to answer for "love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds," He was talking about physical beauty, but people interpret it to mean that you should love someone whatever they do.

The misogyny in some posts is unbelievable. There still seems to be a lot of people who think that women are supposed to be grateful because some Very Important Man gives her the time of day. She's supposed to be grateful for whatever crumbs he throws her way. Those days are thankfully behind us. Men need to shape up or ship out.

I posted on your other thread.

She has had a lucky escape. Her attempt to be an equal in a relationship and have a say on time scales such as engagement, marriage, having children etc meant his true misogynist colours were outed when he reply …
ha ha ha little girl you silly thing, we will get married when I decide could be a year, ten years or twenty. It’s when I am ready and not about you.

Women take huge risks in relationships particularly in relation to having maternity leave and the impact even that has on childcare. Pregnancy has a toll on the body and impact that a man rarely appreciates.
Some men do step up during pregnancy and when the baby and child is born. Not financially but the mental, physical and emotional load - but many don’t appreciate it and don’t. Men need to do more than 50/50. Same with finances.

It’s 2025, not 1950.

My husband had more money than me, when we got together. We decided to get married together and he on paper had so much more to lose than me. He sees everything as ours. Joint. We both have our own bank accounts but when he earnt more he put much much more in the pot. I didn’t have to ask he just did. I’m on holiday today, my husband has just done the getting our teenager up and ready, done the dogs and horses, done the bins, made me a cup of tea and taken him to school. My son left something so he came back and retrieved it with good humour (son is normally pretty good at remembering stuff!) . My husband I know feels lucky to have me and us (our children), I know we are lucky to have him.

Does your son own his own house at 30? What assets does he have? What contribution is he making to the pot? because he sure as hell wasn’t being equal in decision making with his ex girlfriend. And it isn’t just money - my husband talks about mental load. He does his own families presents and I will think the compost bin needs cleaning - go to clean it and he’s done it as he noticed it too. He keeps lists if something gets mentioned he puts it on his list. I don’t ask- he just does.

To hound her and try to coerce her back into a relationship when she finished it - shows his lack of respect for her. It’s over -she finished it. He should have accepted that - that’s the law and if he keeps on contacting her he is stalking and harassing her. He needs to start having respect for women and their thoughts and feelings.
No means no. We are finished means we are finished. Move out of my house / means move out. Etc

You aren’t helping. Neither is having him home. Neither is telling him she’s wrong and he’s a great catch - he isn’t.

I bite my tongue on here a lot as these are real people but we see women in particular treated as second class citizens time and time again. A recent thread a woman on holiday with her partner and he was so moody and grumpy. It’s her holiday. Her time.
He doesn’t want to go out and do anything. Why are women settling for partners that don’t add joy to their lives and encourage them and help them to enrich themselves.

The best thing you can do with your son is get him to read books like ‘ invisible women ‘ and listen to some podcasts and educate yourself about equality. He’s not treating women as equals.

Lmao tell us you've never been on the MN relationships board without telling us you've never been on the MN relationships board.

“The conversation could have been the starting point of a beautiful dialogue of understanding each other’s needs, triggers, desires and vulnerabilities.”

But instead HE dismissed her, he called her desire to discuss timelines “silly” and he let her know that it was up to HIM when the marriage conversation would happen and she had no say in. He shut down the “beautiful dialogue” before it could even start.

As crimes go does calling her “silly” rank up there with aggravated burglary or grievous bodily harm?

Hardly.

Like Ricki Gervais said, humans evolved over millennia to make their environment relatively safe and free from predators only to become fearful of words.

Get a grip.