Son dumped by gf -update

He was waiting to see if he got a better offer.

Not lacksidasical, correct! Outright lazy and foolhardy, yes!

3 years is more than enough time at 30 years old to know if you want to marry someone. Men know within months whether they see it as long term or not. He was stringing her along

You think that asking more than once if someone has any intention of marrying you is acceptable?

Are you a glutton for punishment or what?

Being told once that you’re not discussing any “silly timelines” is enough for anyone with some shred or self respect!

She wasn’t asking him to make sure he put the bins out or picked up after himself!

@DeftWasp

What on earth are you talking about?

She is going on holiday to Christmas markets with friends. What is wrong with ending the relationship formally and then making plans to cheer yourself up surrounded by friends who will distract / comfort you? What if the plans were already in place ages ago? Are people who end relationships not allowed to travel? WTF are you on about?

Allowing him to stay at the flat - to give him time to make alternative arrangements?! Surely after 3 years you would allow the person you loved / still love some time to organise things?

Blocking - because he was harrassing her with calls and messages?!

WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT? Your spin on things is wild. Do you always have such an over active imagination?

As for suggesting that she is cheating?! WHAT? Where did you even get that from? None of your comments have any evidentiary basis. You sound unhinged.

I hope you dont jump to unfounded conclusions like this in real life.

But it wasn't mutual. He didn't want to discuss it, and told her it was silly. She didn't agree.

I disagree, if she didn’t care the begging wouldn’t be too much. She’s probably also heartbroken that the person she wanted to spend her life with doesn’t care enough to give her a reasonably meaningless and unending commitment of engagement.

I could be head over heels in love with someone, but I’d lose all respect for myself for accepting a pity proposal and then marrying someone who I’ve effectively forced into it.

She wants a partner she loves and who loves her enough to be ready to commit to her without being strong armed. Your son was only one of those things, and so now she has to be strong and move on or in 5 years she will still be with your son, unmarried and childless and have likely missed her opportunity to be a mum.

lackadaisical ? because he did not want to be married at her time? it's a mutual decision and no one should do it just because of the other person and if it is not mutual, you have this result.

nothing lackadaisical about him at all.

The son is 30 not 18. Three years with someone is long enough to know whether you want to spend the rest of your life with them or not. They were living together so what more does he need?

He only changed his mind about marriage when he had lost her, when it hurt his feelings and he was having to find somewhere else to live. His gf's hurt feelings at his refusal to commit didn't bother him at all. Only his own comfort matters to him. I doubt it's out of the blue for her, she gave him enough chances. If he didn't want to marry he shouldn't have been with her, knowing she expected it. It can't have been a surprise to him however much he makes out that it is. It's a case of "she left me after 20 years because I left a cup out."

Please ensure he doesn't because that is legally regarded as harassment

Agreed. Can’t believe the amount of hate op’s son receives. He was very reasonable saying he’s not doing these timelines thing. Nothing good would come out of it. He’ll find someone else, so will his ex gf

I don't know how these threads have gone on so long. There are no bad guys here. Its just a situation which didn't work out.

GF is not being unreasonable to move on if she's not happy.

Son is not unreasonable to be upset, nor unreasonable not to get married if he didn't want to.

OP is not being unreasonable to be upset for her son.

OPs H is not being unreasonable with the tough love.

It is a sad situation but hardly a controversial one.

Relationships have to be growing to stay alive and it sounds like this one (from his part anyway) was just ticking along and he was very comfortable with the status quo. Well she wasnt. I have so much sympathy for her - in fact I was her when I was younger except I stayed in the relationship for FIVE YEARS before realising that it was going nowhere. So good for her.

Are you crazy? It is her house.

If this was Harry Potter world, OP would be sending the ex a Howler! "How dare you break up with my darling boy!".

I forgot to add - he got engaged to someone after me and didn’t marry her, and he’s been living with his current partner for over 30 years. She wears an engagement ring but…

I think you should give your husband some more credit, and your son a bit less sympathy and a bit more tough love. Your husband is absolutely correct, and I'm sure it's what countless people on here have already said: if your son really wanted to marry this woman, he would have asked her already. Asking her once she's broken up with him, because she wants to be moving forward in her relationship and life, was always bound to fail and would have made his ex feel even worse. Expecting to continue living with her once they'd broken up was incredibly foolish and selfish. He is probably a nice enough boy; but he really needs to grow up. If he can't manage it himself, you need to help him or step back and let your husband do it. We can love our children and still recognise they've made a mistake. We can feel bad for them being in an upsetting situation and still teach them how to better manage similar situations in the future.

It's exactly what he needs.
Your approach has got him blocked for harassing her.
You DH needs to advise him how to behave appropriately towards women as it seems like he's a lot to learn.

bollocks.

If he had married her and stayed for a bit? he might have been in with a chance of some of the proceeds.

She wanted to marry him! She had him in her apartment and from memory they were together three years (i might be wrong on the last point) but you susepct she didnt love him? Now we criticise women for being strong and letting go of a relationship they dont want. Op. I really dont want to be rude but you really need to check yourself! You're a woman yourself and the way you speak is utterly shameful. Your comments are the type that fly under the radar but in the bigger picture are harmful.

@OneGreenPoster so your son harassed her to the point she's had to block him? Wow.

Not such a good guy after all eh?

Your son sounds like a cuckoo who took his ex for granted and now wants to marry her because it's going to cost him more to get his own place. And OP sounds like an enabler.

At 27, no children mentioned, she is not going to struggle finding a decent man.

I agree with his dad. The son chose not to discuss marriage with her for a reason. It sounds like he never truly loved her but she was convenient. And now he's realised just how convenient she was. We will never know what has happened, just what he's told his mum and his mum's interpretation of that spun to make her little cherub look better.

I don't blame the ex for not wanting to be manipulated further by this man-child. The sudden panicked turnaround sounds disengenuous to me. I wouldn't trust him either.

He deserves sympathy for what? The consequences of treating as a convenience for years? Actions have consequences. And she had every right to change her mind about being treated like a mug. She's just bruised his inflated ego. Because he underestimated her and overestimated his own importance. He got too comfortable disrespecting her needs.

And I'm a boy mum with no girls.

nope, but that when a future GF tries to have the "shall we get married? where is our future going?" conversation he doesn't belittle it but adds to it with brain fully engaged. Even if it is "i love you but i don't want to get married"

Then when the GF, having taken time to think about it, ends the relationship, he doesn't bombard her with stupid shit to try to win her back, but accepts and moves on.

Like an adult.

i am seeing a financially independent woman. She has her own apartment and allowed a young boy to move in with her. He has less money and was happy to occupy her bed and have a roof over his head, possibly a mummy substitute.
Woman wants to make relationship permanent. She is probably thinking to the future and wants a child. Boy doesn't want this. He is still a child himself.
Woman ends relationship. Boy loves himself more than he loves her. Boy cries to mummy. Girl goes on holiday with friends - good for her.
She can spend Christmas quietly and look for a new boyfriend in the new year. Maybe play the field for a while. Someone will want a smart, clever, independent ,lovely woman. She may be incredibly ancient but there's plenty of grown up men in their 30's who are looking for a wife. Lots of them are financially independent too. Much more suitable.
Boy can go on tinder stating that he 'just wants fun' 'nothing serious' . he will be inundated with offers. He can then take them home to his mum's house.
Or, perhaps, he could get a place of his own and move in a young female who doesn't want a long term relationship with him.
The future is full of endless opportunities.